Is SO being sincere?

[Ms.Leo]

You should feel happy. He CHOSE you!” – That’s what I hear from friends and his family... but instead I can’t STOP feeling hurt, angry and betrayed from his A.

 

 

My SO and I have been together for 15 years (high school sweethearts) and we have 3 small children together. I found out he was having an A last October through text messages. The A started in August and was with a coworker who he had voiced to me many times how much he found her immature, annoying and childish. I never in a million years saw this coming and especially with someone like HER. He’s been confused by it and has expressed how sorry he is for hurting me and our children. He’s taken 100% responsibility for the A and never once blamed me for his reason for straying. He said he never imagine he would become that type of person and that he didn’t know who he was. That he was consumed with so much guilt and shame, that he wished he got caught because he didn’t have the strength to walk away from the A. – this was confusing, because he still remain in contact with her after I found out.

 

 

Even though he held himself accountable, I feel I should take some of the blame as well. The financial burden and having 3 small children have taken away our affection and appreciation toward one another. It felt like we were roommates and was only there for the children; although our intimacy in the bedroom was still the same we just didn’t do the I love you’s or any type of public display of affection. I always found that odd, but just assumed we’ve been together for so long that we were in that comfortable stage. Finding out about his A and how he did all those sweet gestures that I longed for, was a big blow to my ego. He said he did those things with her because he knew he could manipulate her into staying whenever she threatened to end things. He said he never once consider leaving me for her and that he saw no future with her. I never understood this. Why continue putting so much effort into something that he never saw long term??

 

 

After the A was exposed, I thought he would be relieved and try to fight for me… instead he did the complete opposite and continues to remain in contact with the OW and lie about it. At this point, he was livingwith his parents again. I was suffering from depression and anxiety badly. I didn’t eat and sleep for 3 weeks and was having panic attacks 1-2 times a week. It didn’t help that my own father (who is both their employer) didn’t believe me and continue to defend and protect the OW. My father claimed I was making up lies and false accusations toward the OW, who he believed was a good and loyal employee -– yes, his exact words!

 

 

Feeling so unworthy and unloved, I tried to commit suicide.My SO and his sister found me before I could do anything. After my failed attempt, 2 days later the OW tried to commit suicide as well. Before this happen, her family heard about the A and spoke with my father about having a meeting with everyone. They believed their daughter was innocent and that I was spreading lies-- the OW had denied that she had an A with my SO. I already had evidence of the A thanks to my SO. He recorded their phone conversations and printed out the phone bill statements – his ideas, not mine. He said this was to help me get my closure and to showthis at the meeting if my father and her family continue to bash me. By doing this, he showed me where his loyalty lies…. However, what confuses me so much is that before she tried to kill herself, she called him crying and wanting to talk. She rented a hotel room that night and they agreed to end things so he can focus on rebuilding his family. He admitted to sleeping with her 3X that night. Why?? Was this a pitysex? Or was this somewhat closure for him? How could he help me gather evidence and then go back and sleep with her?

 

 

It’s been 5 months since DDA, and he has kept his promise of NC with the OW. He has given up all pw for his phone, emails, fb and phone statements. He also quit working for my toxic father and found a better job that has helped our financial situation tremendously. I ended all contact with my father as well.

 

 

I should be happy like everyone says, but why can’t I stop second guessing all his intentions? I keep wondering that if she didn’t try to commit suicide, he would have chosen her. I see all the changes he made but I can’t stop feeling hurt and angry. I have been in IC since January and next Friday will bethe first time we start MC together. Am I being paranoid and overthinking? SO doesn’t know that I’m still obsessing over the OW and the A. I don’t bring it up since we are trying to move on and everything is better between us.

[aileD]

You can't be expected to pretend like nothing happened. It's only been a few months. It sounds like he got his act together and is doing SOME of the stuff needed for R (open book, no contact, new job)

 

But you can't just rug sweep the affair and pretend it didn't happen. You guys need counseling, you need to get your questions answered. And it's going to be a long long time before things are "better".

 

You're not helping by hiding your feelings. Get intto counseling asap. You're feelings are all normal. Do some research online about recovering from an affair.

 

You also need IC, since you had a suicide attempt.

 

I'll pray for you

Edited March 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lavvylady]

You should feel happy. He CHOSE you!” – That’s what I hear from friends and his family... but instead I can’t STOP feeling hurt, angry and betrayed from his A.

 

 

My SO and I have been together for 15 years (high school sweethearts) and we have 3 small children together. I found out he was having an A last October through text messages. The A started in August and was with a coworker who he had voiced to me many times how much he found her immature, annoying and childish. I never in a million years saw this coming and especially with someone like HER. He’s been confused by it and has expressed how sorry he is for hurting me and our children. He’s taken 100% responsibility for the A and never once blamed me for his reason for straying. He said he never imagine he would become that type of person and that he didn’t know who he was. That he was consumed with so much guilt and shame, that he wished he got caught because he didn’t have the strength to walk away from the A. – this was confusing, because he still remain in contact with her after I found out.

<snip>

 

 

First of all nobody should be told " be happy they picked you". People aren't gifts or possessions to be picked. At this point I feel like he should feel lucky that you stayed.

 

As far him not being faithful, well, it doesn't sound to me that he would be the type to fully stop. Seriously, pity sex.

 

You ARE NOT unworthy. Don't let someone make you feel that way.

 

He cheated. Now it's time for you to decide if he's worthy of your love.

Edited March 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Simple Logic]

You should feel happy. He CHOSE you!” – That’s what I hear from friends and his family... but instead I can’t STOP feeling hurt, angry and betrayed from his A.

 

 

My SO and I have been together for 15 years (high school sweethearts) and we have 3 small children together. I found out he was having an A last October through text messages. The A started in August and was with a coworker who he had voiced to me many times how much he found her immature, annoying and childish. I never in a million years saw this coming and especially with someone like HER. He’s been confused by it and has expressed how sorry he is for hurting me and our children. He’s taken 100% responsibility for the A and never once blamed me for his reason for straying. He said he never imagine he would become that type of person and that he didn’t know who he was. That he was consumed with so much guilt and shame, that he wished he got caught because he didn’t have the strength to walk away from the A. – this was confusing, because he still remain in contact with her after I found out.<snip>

 

Think of yourself as being in a terrible car crash. You have suffered a lot of trama. You are not going to get better from that crash in a short period and some parts of you may never recover fully. That is just the facts of bad car crashes and EAs.

Edited March 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[BluesPower]

First off.. Sweetie take a deep breath. Breath...

 

Everything you are feeling if completely and totally normal. You are not crazy you are still in a state of shock for the most part.

 

What you are going through is one of the most horrible things that a person can go through.

 

Second, You need to realize that you have to take care of yourself, not just for you but for your kids.

 

Third, what has happened is complex, emotionally devastating and a host of other negative adjectives. So take it easy on yourself and realize that infidelity takes at least 2 to 5 years to recover from.

 

Fourth, His affair is in no way your fault. It is 100% his fault and it is his responsibility to own that and it is his responsibility to help you heel from his infidelity.

 

Sixth, you are responsible for 50% of the issues in the marriage but in no way responsible for his cheating.

 

Seventh, I may not make you feel better, but your husbands affair was about new, convenient, NSA sex. He saw an opportunity and took it, knowing it was wrong. She was no better or worse than you, she was just different and available.

 

Further, He was never in Love with her in any way. For most women, it seems that the emotional aspect is the most important, but not always.

 

Eighth, his not stopping contact with her was typical for a man in an affair, it is an addiction to the excitement and the sex that keeps them coming beck.

 

Ninth, your father, and maybe your entire family, are abusers. What he did to you was abusive to you and your family. This is something that you will have to deal with in the future, but you should put it on the back burner for now.

 

Read here on LS so that you can learn about infidelity and affairs. I know all of it feels like the end of the world but you can recover from this, but it takes time. Your H's A was really very typical, not that it make a difference, but it is not out of the ordinary.

 

Hang in there, take care of yourself and your kids, and keep your chin up...

[BTDT2012]

Has he been in IC? Feeling hurt, angry and questioning everything is normal.

 

Even though he held himself accountable, I feel I should take some of the blame as well. The financial burden and having 3 small children have taken away our affection and appreciation toward one another. It felt like we were roommates and was only there for the children;

 

His affair is 100% on him. You were in the same marriage. Did you cheat?

“You should feel happy. He CHOSE you!” -– That’s what I hear from friends and his family...

Say all the people who have never been cheated on.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ms. Leo, are you in a common law relationship or are you married to your SO? Also, do you want to maintain the relationship with your SO or are you contemating divorce/ breaking up with him? If you were to divorce or separate from him would you be able to support yourself? How old are you and how old is your SO.

 

Answers to some of these questions can help the good folk here focus their advice to help you better than with the information you have currently given. All the very best to you and keep your spirits up. Warm wishes.

[amaysngrace]

He broke your trust so of course you're going to doubt what he says. Who wouldn't?

 

Take your time in feeling however you want to feel. Don't let anybody tell you how you should be feeling.

 

They aren't being very nice by expecting you to be over it just because they're tired of hearing about it or whatever is making them say that. You're allowed to feel however you want to, not how they tell you to feel.

 

Wishing better days for you!

[whichwayisup]

I feel I should take some of the blame as well.

 

For marital issues, yes but NOT for HIS choice in cheating. Everybody goes through ups and downs in marriages and in life, and that's not an excuse to go and cheat/have an affair.

 

You have every right not to trust him yet. It hasn't been that long.

 

I hope marriage counseling helps and that he gains your trust again, proves he's worthy of this second chance.

 

One thing, some just can't get over an affair. Not all can accept it and work through it so remember there are other options... Give it your best and see how things go but you're not obligated to stay for the sake of the kids or him. You need to do what feels right for you.

[William]

Folks, thanks to the eagle-eyed member for the report on the duplicate threads; I cleaned that up and deleted the duplicate content and references to the duplicate threads and retitled the thread and will advise respondents that the starter hasn't been around since posting the threads this morning, so give them a chance to respond to questions and comments. Thanks and please continue!

[jenkins95]

(((Ms Leo)))

 

I totally agree with the other posters. You have been through an awful trauma. Forgiveness as reconciliation doesn't just happen. Both spouses need to give 100%to the process and rug sweeping just isn't good enough.

 

What you are feeling is quite normal. Do lots of reading and follow the advice already given in this thread. He needs to understand exactly what a POS he's been and what he now has to do to make you feel secure and loved again.

 

This thread is a severe warning to all cheaters or potential cheaters - both OW and BS attempted suicide. If that isn't enough of a deterrent, i don't know what possibly could be.

 

Good luck Ms L. We are here for you, keep posting.

[NTV]

Bring it up every time you feel like bringing it up (except around the kids). He'll either deal with it or he won't.

[Ms.Leo]

Thank you all for you kind words and wisdom. To answer some of your questions, SO and I are 31 years old. I have been in therapy since January and next Friday will be our first session in Marriage Therapy. Where we live, common law marriage isn't recognized. I don't want to separate and we are at the point where our relationship feels stronger than before, however I always have those lingering feelings of doubts, which I know are normal. I think the main problem I have is that I'm bottling up my doubts and feelings, because I don't want to bring up the past.

 

 

I've been reading tons of self help books and they always seem to communicate one thing: if you forgive your cheating partner, then the past needs to stay in the past and digging it up will not help you move forward. I know communication is the key, but for some reason I can't bear to express how I feel in fear of ruining all the hard work we have overcome. These are my insecurities and my therapist is trying to work on ways to build my self-esteem.

 

 

SO has expressed many times that his focus is fixing our financial situation, rebuilding our family and getting back to his hobbies (fishing & hunting). Whereas, I seem to focus on the wrong things such as their A, replaying images of them together on REPEAT and doubting everything he does. He says he doesn't even think of those things.

 

 

I will take in everyone's advice and try to communicate better with SO, but I might start doing that in marriage therapy. I would like to have a mediator who can explained things better in context when we can't get our point across. We tend to let our feelings rule us and have trouble communicating. In the beginning, there were lots of yelling and finger pointing -- mostly from me. I don't want to go through that again.

It was physically and emotionally draining... which is the result to rug sweeping.

[NTV]

The past staying in the past sounds like rugsweeping...

[Ms.Leo]

How can we move on if I keep bringing up the A and throwing it in his face? I forgiven him but I can't forget it and he knows this. I don't want to point fingers and throw accusations. I just want us to be able to communicate better, without feeling defensive and the need to throw jabs at one another.

[NTV]

So if he does something suspicious you don't say anything? If you're hurting real bad today thinking about the betrayal you don't say anything?

 

It's one thing to fling it in his face to win an argument. Or with the intention of trying to make him feel bad.

 

It's quite another if you are hurting and need to be reassured. Or doubting. Or suspicious.

 

The topic shouldn't ever be off limits when you two are alone and you need to discuss. That is if you ever want to heal.

 

For me, I decided I was fully healed when I know longer felt the pain of the betrayal and our marriage was healed when I was once again proud to be married to her. Those were the goal marks I set for myself. .. maybe discuss them or your own with your husband?

[jenkins95]

How can we move on if I keep bringing up the A and throwing it in his face? I forgiven him but I can't forget it and he knows this. I don't want to point fingers and throw accusations. I just want us to be able to communicate better, without feeling defensive and the need to throw jabs at one another.

 

I agree that for successful reconciliation to occur then it eventually has to be left in the past. But to get to that point, it has to be dealt with in the present to the point that the BS is ready to really move on. If you feel ready for this then great, but if you still have unresolved conversions and questions, much better to get them all out now, then you will feel much less need to drag it up in the future. That's why we use the term carpet sweeping - you can sweep dirt under the carpet and it may disappear from view, but it's still there and will eventually need to be properly dealt with.

 

You could make it clear to him that you want to leave it in the past as much as he does, but you need to talk about it a little more now to get to that point, if that is how you feel. Good luck anyway!

[aileD]

You can bring up the affair without "throwing it in his face". I tell my h all the time that I have and will probably continues to have for a long time insecurities because of his affair. That if anything seems weird I'm going to say something to him because if I don't then I'm just going to be thinking the worst and hating on him quietly inside which isn't good for our marriage.

 

It's not the act of bringing it up, it's the way it's communicated.

 

SO has expressed many times that his focus is fixing our financial situation, rebuilding our family and getting back to his hobbies (fishing & hunting). Whereas, I seem to focus on the wrong things such as their A, replaying images of them together on REPEAT and doubting everything he does. He says he doesn't even think of those things.

 

MC should be able to help you with this. This is very common. The WS most times has a turning point where now he is sure he wants the marriage and he's committed to working on it, as yours seems to be. They know that in their heart and it's easy to go forward. But for the BS, we don't have that sureness in our hearts because we were betrayed and he's lied before so really can you trust him? That's normal. You don't have to be on his timetable.

 

Me and H had a MC appt one time where I wanted to talk about something and H had the attitude of why can't we just move on from it. MC caught onto that and did an excercise where h had to purposefully empathize with me, put himself in my shoes, express how he thinks I feel, etc.

 

My H (and your partner) don't have empathy for what we are still going through. They were selfish for having the affair and this is an extension of that selfishness.

 

This is something that needs to be brought up in counseling.

 

You aren't going to forget. THis is silly example but Just 1/2 hour ago me and H were coming back from the gym and I was saying how this is going to be the year of me (my birthday is tomorrow). I commented that I had this same plan when I was 40, but then chaos happened and I never did it. He squeezed my knee and just said, "well we are back on track now and this is your year!" And that was it. I said what I needed to say, he knew I was thinking about what A stole from me.....and he acknowledged it but we didn't have a bad exchange.

 

If I had said "40 was supposed to be my year but you ****ed it up for me and I lost two years of my life to your crap". Then his response would have probably been different and we would have had a negative exchange .

 

So, keep working on it. You'll be hurt for awhile, but it can get better.

[BluesPower]

How can we move on if I keep bringing up the A and throwing it in his face? I forgiven him but I can't forget it and he knows this. I don't want to point fingers and throw accusations. I just want us to be able to communicate better, without feeling defensive and the need to throw jabs at one another.

 

You don't really understand. YOU can't get over the affair unless you talk about it. That is something that your H has to get used to. He has to be able to deal with what you are going through. He has a lot of work to do in order for the reconciliation to work.

 

I can't remember if you guys are going to MC yet. But know this, very few MC's know how to deal with infidelity in any way. It seem that most of them read the same book. What they usually try to do is: "Let's talk about the issues in the marriage that led to the affair..." Wrong place to start. You have to explain how you actually feel about the affair and your H has to do his best to understand the amount of pain that he caused you.

 

He has to figure a way to make you feel safe in the relationship and he has to help you heal. Those are his responsibilities. Just to name a few.

 

You actually have to feel your emotions in order to get over them. And you think you have forgiven him, but you have not yet. There is really no way that you could at this early stage.

 

 

You need to read and understand more about the healing process so you can understand what you are going through...

[road]

How can we move on if I keep bringing up the A and throwing it in his face? I forgiven him but I can't forget it and he knows this. I don't want to point fingers and throw accusations. I just want us to be able to communicate better, without feeling defensive and the need to throw jabs at one another.

 

 

 

How since D day?

How long since the affair was over?

How long since NC place?

Why are you talking about the affair?

What are you talking about that is affair related?

How often do you talk about the affair?

[Ms.Leo]

Sorry everyone for not replying back so soon. My oldest has extracurricular activities that keeps us on our toes on the weekend. To answer some of your questions I don't use the A as ammunition to hurt him. I have triggers that would send me in a depression state and SO see this. At the beginning, he would ask me what was wrong and would answered my questions and concerns. I feel like I keep asking the same questions because my mind wants to fit all these puzzles I have floating inside. He was very patient and understanding in the beginning, but I can sense he wants to move on and not answer anymore questions that are similar to the 50 other questions I would ask him.

 

I don't like the needy person I've become. He says I need to talk to my therapist and work on ME before trying to repair us.. That our relationship will be strong, when I'm strong.-- I understand what he's saying. That I need to work on my insecurities, but I don't think he understands that I need HIM to help me with this process. I don't even think he knows how to do this.

 

My problem is I like to compare our relationship to his A. For ex; we rarely text or call each other unless it's to let the other person know if the kids are sick or we're going to be late coming home. We usually just wait until we see each other to talk about our day. So when I saw the phone bill and how much he and the OW text and called each other, I have been trying to do the same with him. I send him texts asking how his day is, what happen at work etc. and tag him in videos that I think he would like. I would get upset when he doesn't reply back or if his texts are short. There was one week where he worked over 55 hours and I told him how much I love and appreciate how hard he was working to support our family. His reply, "it's nothing. I'm getting use to the hours." UGH! Is it him or am I just making everything a bigger deal than it is?

 

Another ex; is date night. He and the OW went out to bars and dinner all the time. I find myself trying to compete with the OW and she's no longer in the picture! I ask him if we can do date night and would get upset when he would rather stay inside. SO is happy with just staying home and making dinner and watching a movie. Says he's tired and would rather relax at home. In the past 4 months, we did go on 2 date nights but now he's content with just staying at home. I use to like doing this as well, but the A has turned me into this weak green eye jealous monster. I want to stop this toxic behavior and stop comparing myself with the OW. Please help!

[Ms.Leo]

So if he does something suspicious you don't say anything? If you're hurting real bad today thinking about the betrayal you don't say anything?

 

It's one thing to fling it in his face to win an argument. Or with the intention of trying to make him feel bad.

 

It's quite another if you are hurting and need to be reassured. Or doubting. Or suspicious.

 

The topic shouldn't ever be off limits when you two are alone and you need to discuss. That is if you ever want to heal.

 

For me, I decided I was fully healed when I know longer felt the pain of the betrayal and our marriage was healed when I was once again proud to be married to her. Those were the goal marks I set for myself. .. maybe discuss them or your own with your husband?

 

 

 

 

 

Whenever I feel doubts or suspicions, I would check his phone bill and text messages or even went as far as to track him. I did this for 2.5 months and everything would come up clean. I know if he wanted to cheat, he can and will. That I can't control him. Thankfully I came to my senses and stopped this crazy obsessive behavior. My doubts are I never felt worthy and I felt like I was his second choice. I know I should tell him this, but I can see it in his eyes he feels guilty for putting me through this and embarrassed by his A, that he wants to move on from it.-- I do too, but I can't silence the voices in my head.

 

How long did it take for you to become fully healed and proud of your wife?

[Ms.Leo]

It's not the act of bringing it up, it's the way it's communicated.

 

--- I feel I bring it up too much and that I have to hear 100x before I'm satisfied with the answer. SO has told me he doesn't have a problem answering my questions and concerns, I just feel that he's tired of it and wants to move on. I wish I didn't have overanalyze everything..

 

 

 

Me and H had a MC appt one time where I wanted to talk about something and H had the attitude of why can't we just move on from it. MC caught onto that and did an excercise where h had to purposefully empathize with me, put himself in my shoes, express how he thinks I feel, etc.

 

My H (and your partner) don't have empathy for what we are still going through. They were selfish for having the affair and this is an extension of that selfishness.

 

This is something that needs to be brought up in counseling.

 

You aren't going to forget. THis is silly example but Just 1/2 hour ago me and H were coming back from the gym and I was saying how this is going to be the year of me (my birthday is tomorrow). I commented that I had this same plan when I was 40, but then chaos happened and I never did it. He squeezed my knee and just said, "well we are back on track now and this is your year!" And that was it. I said what I needed to say, he knew I was thinking about what A stole from me.....and he acknowledged it but we didn't have a bad exchange.

 

---I feel like SO does this. That he doesn't know how to empathize and communicate with me. His replies are always so short and that frustrates me. How long did it take for MC to help your husband overcome this?

[Ms.Leo]

How since D day?

How long since the affair was over?

How long since NC place?

Why are you talking about the affair?

What are you talking about that is affair related?

How often do you talk about the affair?

 

 

 

The A was exposed on 10/17/16 and ended 10/29/16. The NC took place on 10/31/16 only because the OW tried to commit suicide and I think he just decided then to stay away. He originally wanted to visit her in the hospital and apologize for everything, but quickly changed his mind. Things I would bring up is why he did it, what was missing in our R for him to stray, what did she do that was different from me. Mostly a lot of comparisons on my part and revelation about our past relationship, such as the lack of communication and affection that were obviously missing.

 

 

In the beginning, I use to bring it up a lot by asking him questions about the A, but now I haven't bought it up since January. I just keep it to myself now, but the wheels in my head are always spinning and he can feel something is bothering me. He would ask me and of course I would say nothing and blame it on exhaustion.

[aileD]

---I feel like SO does this. That he doesn't know how to empathize and communicate with me. His replies are always so short and that frustrates me. How long did it take for MC to help your husband overcome this?

 

That appointment was like two weeks ago. So . Yeah.

 

We went to a marriage retreat thing this weekend called "retrouvaille". Google it. It was great for this, all focused on feelings, and personal work together . H was crying at the end when they took questions and comments . It helped I think with empathy and communication