Copter Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Hi guys, I'll keep it short. Lately, I had been dating a girl (8 dates) and it had been going amazingly, I think we are a great fit. She - however - just came out a relationship that went quite wrong and mentioned to me that she was not looking for something serious at the moment. I, on the other hand, was looking for something serious, so we decided to take it slow. A week later, she called me and mentioned that it might even take her a couple of months and she didn't want to string me along. Even though I ticked all her boxes and she "could be making the biggest mistake of her life", but she owed it to herself to see more and experience more. I then said, I wasn't going to wait for that, as a couple of months in uncertainty weren't going to do it for me. She just moved from a village to a big city for an internship, but is traveling through Asia in 3 months, after which she will return to her village for a job. I don't believe in 'the one', but I do sincerely believe that I haven't seen any girls that fit this good to me. What do you guys think, should it be good to have NC for a couple of months, and after her return from 'the big city' and holiday to contact her again and see whether we might start over?
Jedfont Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 You're not going to experience the fullness of love if it is not both ways. While you may love her, it sounds like she isn't so sure about you. Give her time and accept that if she isn't in love with you now, she may not be in the future. Pack your bags and be ready to move on. Some gals have a lot of excuses. While you may be "perfect" she doesn't love you enough to go all in. With a long-term perspective, I would second guess pursuing her. Even if she comes back, her lack of commitment after 8 dates is alarming. 4
Erik30 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 She just doesn't want a relationship... with you. She wouldn't need a couple of months for the right guy. Move on. Be prepared to find out she's suddenly in a relationship with some other guy while you were doing NC, so don't wait for her 3
Author Copter Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 Thanks for the answers, much appreciated. I am not planning on waiting on her, definitly not. But I am just wondering, that if I haven't found anything in that time, I might contact her in the future. It somehow feels as if the timing just wasn't good. On the other hand, timing shouldn't be an issue if you both love each other.. 1
basil67 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 I know I'm not much help - but all I could think was "8 dates and she's not ready for a relationship. She's a time waster" Wondering if you paid for all eight dates. 1
basil67 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 On the other hand, timing shouldn't be an issue if you both love each other.. This ^^ I met my now partner of 25 years when I was recently separated from my ex-husband. My new guy had penciled in a work contract overseas. He cancelled his work contract and I didn't contemplate returning to the failed marriage. It was bad timing for both of us (and frankly too early to declare love) but we saw a heap of potential and ran with it. 1
Danger Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Hi guys, I'll keep it short. Lately, I had been dating a girl (8 dates) and it had been going amazingly, I think we are a great fit. She - however - just came out a relationship that went quite wrong and mentioned to me that she was not looking for something serious at the moment. I, on the other hand, was looking for something serious, so we decided to take it slow. A week later, she called me and mentioned that it might even take her a couple of months and she didn't want to string me along. Even though I ticked all her boxes and she "could be making the biggest mistake of her life", but she owed it to herself to see more and experience more. I then said, I wasn't going to wait for that, as a couple of months in uncertainty weren't going to do it for me. She just moved from a village to a big city for an internship, but is traveling through Asia in 3 months, after which she will return to her village for a job. I don't believe in 'the one', but I do sincerely believe that I haven't seen any girls that fit this good to me. What do you guys think, should it be good to have NC for a couple of months, and after her return from 'the big city' and holiday to contact her again and see whether we might start over? Here we have a girl who isn't "ready" for a reltionship and tells you she needs to "experience more". This also happena to be at a time when she is going to live in a big city for awhile, where she will presumably "experience more". What she is really saying is that she does not want to be locked down for her adventure, as she may find a higher value male who wants her. Sounds to me like she knows she has you, the safe bet, and wants to shoot higher while she keeps you on the hook should she fail.
Tribble Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 She just doesn't want a relationship... with you. She wouldn't need a couple of months for the right guy. Move on. Be prepared to find out she's suddenly in a relationship with some other guy while you were doing NC, so don't wait for her Normally, I agree with this. However, I have been known to put the brakes on a great guy due to bad timing. I'm a really bad over-thinker and I don't get in to relationships lightly. If I'm not feeling ready, it doesn't matter who the guy is, I will put a halt to things. On the positive side, she's been really up front. She told you she wasn't ready at the beginning and she is reaffirming she isn't ready still. Also bearing in mind she has this big trip coming up, she isn't going to want to get into something heavy only to disappear for three months. Personally, I'd break it off and go date other people. If you happen to be single when she gets back, see how you feel then. But don't think on it, don't keep tabs on when she's back and don't fantasise about how it will be when she gets back. Live your life as if you'll never see her again. If your paths cross in the future, you can see where you both are then. 2
minou23 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 I don't believe in no contact. I think if a person matters to you you'll stay in contact. How can you maintain the feelings you had if you're not exchanging them back and forth? She may change a lot during those 3 months. I think if I don't talk to someone for 3 months or more I will have forgotten about them. Not that I won't remember them, but I'll have stopped thinking about them probably completely. I'd say remain friends if possible. I started talking to this guy shortly after my breakup with my ex and looking back I think he actually wanted to get to know me but all I wanted was to hook up so I didn't give him the time of day. I couldn't think of anything more because of the recent break up, it had nothing to do with him as a person. Then a couple months later I regretted not giving him a chance because he's a catch. And now I think about him more than my ex. So maybe she just needs time to come around after she's fully healed.
elaine567 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Even though I ticked all her boxes and she "could be making the biggest mistake of her life", but she owed it to herself to see more and experience more. That sounds like a "letting you down gently" speech to me. She is telling you, that you are a good guy but she needs to go find someone she likes better. People who are interested, act interested and they DO NOT want to let go of anything they feel that has any chance of working. She is letting you go here. If you are looking for something serious then stay away from women who tell you they are not looking for a relationship. Do not hang around for 8 dates and find you are then emotionally attached and she is still not looking for a relationship... Life is difficult enough, without trying to make it even harder. Much easier to push against open doors. 4
marksaysay Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Hi guys, I'll keep it short. Lately, I had been dating a girl (8 dates) and it had been going amazingly, I think we are a great fit. She - however - just came out a relationship that went quite wrong and mentioned to me that she was not looking for something serious at the moment. I, on the other hand, was looking for something serious, so we decided to take it slow. A week later, she called me and mentioned that it might even take her a couple of months and she didn't want to string me along. Even though I ticked all her boxes and she "could be making the biggest mistake of her life", but she owed it to herself to see more and experience more. I then said, I wasn't going to wait for that, as a couple of months in uncertainty weren't going to do it for me. She just moved from a village to a big city for an internship, but is traveling through Asia in 3 months, after which she will return to her village for a job. I don't believe in 'the one', but I do sincerely believe that I haven't seen any girls that fit this good to me. What do you guys think, should it be good to have NC for a couple of months, and after her return from 'the big city' and holiday to contact her again and see whether we might start over? I'm currently on day 24 of NC with a girl I just experienced this same thing with. She told me exactly the same thing. Recently out of a long relationship and not ready for a relationship, etc. What it boils down to is she wasn't as into me as I was her and I think the same is going on with you. She's definitely trying to keep her options open. You haven't created enough of an attraction to make her want to be with you exclusively. Unless you are willing to wait on her the next few months, my opinion would be to cut the string and just move on. Get out and date some other because she's definitely doing it or planning on it!
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 We just don't want you to have false hope. It's more than just the timing. When someone says they are not ready for a relationship right now you have to tack on the phrase "with you" to the end. If the chemistry was otherwise there, timing would not be an issue. She was letting you down gently. At least she didn't ghost. She is also a nice person so that is evidence that you pick nice people. You have a definitive answer; you are not wondering. I'm sorry it didn't work out but now that you met her you have a better idea of what to look for in someone who does work for you. Happy hunting. 4
kendahke Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 What do you guys think, should it be good to have NC for a couple of months, and after her return from 'the big city' and holiday to contact her again and see whether we might start over? No. The "psychological moment" will be over by then. I'd just get on with my life and put my focus on meeting someone else. You will always have unavailable energy by waiting her out, which may put off someone better suited to you. 2
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Hah, I remember using that excuse................... 2
curiouslysearching Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Hah, I remember using that excuse................... Well??????? How did it GO OVER Smackie????
central Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 I think many posters here may be wrong. She had a bad relationship, and doesn't trust herself to make a good choice so soon. She needs time to heal from that, before she's ready to commit again. I suggest you stay in touch with her, but let her do her thing for the next several months (she won't be around, anyway). You should keep meeting and dating other women. If you find someone who is a good match and it's mutual, then you've reached you relationship goal, and can let this one go. If she returns and is still interested in you, AND you don't have a better prospect, you can see where it goes. However, if she is still undecided about you after a month or so, cut her loose because then you can be sure she's not right.
Miss Spider Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 (edited) I think many posters here may be wrong. She had a bad relationship, and doesn't trust herself to make a good choice so soon. She needs time to heal from that, before she's ready to commit again. I suggest you stay in touch with her, but let her do her thing for the next several months (she won't be around, anyway). You should keep meeting and dating other women. If you find someone who is a good match and it's mutual, then you've reached you relationship goal, and can let this one go. If she returns and is still interested in you, AND you don't have a better prospect, you can see where it goes. However, if she is still undecided about you after a month or so, cut her loose because then you can be sure she's not right. I agree with you and tribble for the most part. Most of LS has this stance that everyone wants and is emotionally ready to be in a relationship at any given time, and if they claim they are not, then it's just the other person's fault for not being good enough for them. While giving [somewhat contradictory] advice that people aren't emotionally ready (especially after breakups) for relationships. Some people are introspective enough to realize this and want to date casually or NSA and tell people that. I get people often do use people they have little to no interest in for company, money, sex, emotional support, etc., but this girl has laid out her cards honestly so OP can make the decision to walk away. I used to think the same thing, but after some retrospect, early last summer I felt "not ready" with a person I was head over heels for. I didn't want the responsibility of a relationship after the horrible disintegration of my last one that I mostly blamed myself for. The fear of that happening again and all the other responsibilities overrode my desire to be in a relationship with a man of the caliber I was dating(he was way out of my league) Honestly, I'm still not sure I'm ready for a R With that being said, certainly don't wait around, OP. Edited April 12, 2017 by Cookiesandough 5
tetrahedral Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Hi guys, I'll keep it short. Lately, I had been dating a girl (8 dates) and it had been going amazingly, I think we are a great fit. She - however - just came out a relationship that went quite wrong and mentioned to me that she was not looking for something serious at the moment. I, on the other hand, was looking for something serious, so we decided to take it slow. A week later, she called me and mentioned that it might even take her a couple of months and she didn't want to string me along. Even though I ticked all her boxes and she "could be making the biggest mistake of her life", but she owed it to herself to see more and experience more. I then said, I wasn't going to wait for that, as a couple of months in uncertainty weren't going to do it for me. She just moved from a village to a big city for an internship, but is traveling through Asia in 3 months, after which she will return to her village for a job. I don't believe in 'the one', but I do sincerely believe that I haven't seen any girls that fit this good to me. What do you guys think, should it be good to have NC for a couple of months, and after her return from 'the big city' and holiday to contact her again and see whether we might start over? Most young people aren't going to be interested in settling down with someone they hardly know, right before going on a long adventure. Yes, she wants to be single while seeing the world. Wouldn't you? If you are having sex, I'd consider contacting her again later with no expectations. She said she isn't looking for anything serious, so it's plausible that she's not interested enough to start a LDR, but interested enough to want to give it another go later. I wouldn't count on it, but there's an off-chance you reconnect and grow on each other. If you are not having sex, I'd question why you think she's interested in you to begin with. 2
Author Copter Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 I agree with you and tribble for the most part. Most of LS has this stance that everyone wants and is emotionally ready to be in a relationship at any given time, and if they claim they are not, then it's just the other person's fault for not being good enough for them. While giving [somewhat contradictory] advice that people aren't emotionally ready (especially after breakups) for relationships. Some people are introspective enough to realize this and want to date casually or NSA and tell people that. I get people often do use people they have little to no interest in for company, money, sex, emotional support, etc., but this girl has laid out her cards honestly so OP can make the decision to walk away. I used to think the same thing, but after some retrospect, early last summer I felt "not ready" with a person I was head over heels for. I didn't want the responsibility of a relationship after the horrible disintegration of my last one that I mostly blamed myself for. The fear of that happening again and all the other responsibilities overrode my desire to be in a relationship with a man of the caliber I was dating(he was way out of my league) Honestly, I'm still not sure I'm ready for a R With that being said, certainly don't wait around, OP. Thanks for the answer, and the rest as well, it is truly much appreciated! I was thinking the same thing you mentioned above. That was what I was trying to post in my opening post. I am just going my own way, but if I haven't found anyone, contact her again and see where it leads. If I get a no then, I will never keep wondering if it actually was timing. 1
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Well??????? How did it GO OVER Smackie???? They were devastated of course!
jjb117 Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 I've been in this situation so many times. It's so easy to believe that maybe, just maybe one day she'll change her mind and see all the amazing things you have to offer. It's so hard because everything feels perfect so it doesn't make sense as to why it can't go to the next level. This is what I'll tell you. Give it as much time as you can handle. I say 1 more month. If she still isn't ready it is best to move on. Trust me. You want someone who truly wants to be with you. Nobody else. You deserve that. So why settle for less? I say give it a month, enjoy her company, dont bring up the subject until the very end. At that point it's either now or never. Also, mentally prepare yourself for the worse because there might be a time where you don't talk anymore and you need to be ready if that day comes. 1
Mkn1010 Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 I agree with you and tribble for the most part. Most of LS has this stance that everyone wants and is emotionally ready to be in a relationship at any given time, and if they claim they are not, then it's just the other person's fault for not being good enough for them. While giving [somewhat contradictory] advice that people aren't emotionally ready (especially after breakups) for relationships. Some people are introspective enough to realize this and want to date casually or NSA and tell people that. I get people often do use people they have little to no interest in for company, money, sex, emotional support, etc., but this girl has laid out her cards honestly so OP can make the decision to walk away. I used to think the same thing, but after some retrospect, early last summer I felt "not ready" with a person I was head over heels for. I didn't want the responsibility of a relationship after the horrible disintegration of my last one that I mostly blamed myself for. The fear of that happening again and all the other responsibilities overrode my desire to be in a relationship with a man of the caliber I was dating(he was way out of my league) Honestly, I'm still not sure I'm ready for a R With that being said, certainly don't wait around, OP. Excellent post! Couldn't agree more!
mortensorchid Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 She's saying she doesn't want to be with you for some reason. I had a friend T who was with this woman D for a few months. I barely knew her, she seemed alright. Him I still talk to once or twice a year through Facebook, but in the time they were together they seemed alright. Then one day she took a new job and she told him she didn't want to be in a relationship while she was adjusting to the new job. I thought that was odd, maybe she was saying she didn't want to be with him because she'd met someone else or something. Then a week or two after she took the new job she came back, then he became disenchanted and walked away. When I told her through a Facebook message that I was sorry to hear they had broken up she unfriended me over it. Good riddance on all parts apparently. Move on.
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