healthyhopes Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Hey guys! How are you? Recently, about a month or two ago, I met a guy who is really nice and who I have developed a crush on. At first, I thought he liked me (obvious flirting) but now I'm not sure, and I feel like I've ruined it. I just get a bad feeling about the whole thing, but at the same time I am a very anxious personality and tend to overthink things. (however, gut instincts are right, right?) Why I think he's interested: -has said that I look good -Put his arm over me and cuddled with me twice -Is very nice to me, acts and speaks differently with me (at least compared with guy friends... not sure how he speaks with girls) -We text often (every day), but recently I get the bad feeling that it's winding down and it worries me a lot (but.... it might actually be fine. Maybe I just want to talk more than he does? Regardless, I've been the one starting conversations more than him recently) -Twice, he has bought me a snack from the store. Today he bought me a snack and a drink. I feel like he might do this for other people though. -other people are asking if I have a thing with him I'm worried that he's just a flirt and acts like this with all girls. He hardly ever initiates plans with me, and my shy self has asked him to hang out a couple times. I've never hung out with him one on one. He forgot some plans that we had made once, which is understandable because they were never solidified and only made very briefly (then again, if you really like someone you wouldn't forget, right?) We haven't texted at all today, and only spoke in person for a short while before he left to do his work elsewhere. Sometimes he take a WHILE to answer text messages, though I guess he might be busy. I think it might be that he's never been in a serious relationship before, but I feel like if a guy is interested in you, things would be moving much faster. I was thinking on cooling it on initiating conversations and not asking him to hang out anymore.... I'm caught in between removing all signs of interest and giving up and also deliberately indicating interest. What do you guys think?
Lilyana76 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Why not just ask him if he'd like to go out on a date? What have you got to lose? If he says no hes not interested in you like that, at least then you know where he stands. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 You give little to know info about how he acts around other people. If he's not cuddling or buying snacks for other women, then his behavior is a stronger indicator that he likes you. Do cool it with the texting. You can't build a relationship electronically. Do something to make it clear to him that if he risks rejection by asking you out, he will not be hurt. For example, I'm pretty bold so the next time a guy like that bought me a snack, I'd probably say something like "thanks for the snack but when are you going to ask me on a real date?" Don't do exactly that if you are shy because it has a lot of potential to come off as pushy rather then flirty. Anyway, you still have to help make it clear to him that you are interested. Or you could do as Lilyana76 suggested & be direct by asking him out.
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 You being shy means he cannot READ YOU. You have to flirt with him, you initiate touching, smiling, strong eye contact, be more open with him. If you don't get over your shyness you will never get asked out. 3
curiouslysearching Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 You being shy means he cannot READ YOU. You have to flirt with him, you initiate touching, smiling, strong eye contact, be more open with him. If you don't get over your shyness you will never get asked out. I have heard this referred to as "working it" .....I think a lot of men like to get at least a minimum of feedback that SHE is remotely interested. 1
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Friendly banter works great if you have a good sense of humor and wit. It creates a connection. 3
curiouslysearching Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Friendly banter works great if you have a good sense of humor and wit. It creates a connection. Along with being FUN...way too many people forget to just have fun and be themselves. For me, being a little adventurous is also a plus 3
Author healthyhopes Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 I have no idea how he acts towards other girls, that's the problem. I get so worried in these situations! I'm half in between making a fool out of mysel and asking whether he's interested or just a flirt (and then receiving an embarrassing answer of -- "we are just friends") or just slowly trickling out. I'm not sure why he never asks me to hang out-- he's got lots of friends who he hangs out with often. I guess in regards to dating or close interpersonal relationships I have a low self esteem... I was bullied a lot when I was younger (some of which were people I had a crush on, and this really hurt) and also had lots of very bad toxic relationships. I'm beating myself up over this and am just afraid to be a laughing stock again (even though I think he thinks well/highly of me) I am considering asking whether he acts this way to everyone / is a flirt or not, or even asking a mutual friend for advice just to get it over with... is this a good idea?
Miss Spider Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 You asked him to hang out a couple times and he blew them both off. You are right. If he wanted to get to know you one on one, he would. He wouldn't forget and if he couldn't make it, he'd be sure to reschedule. He doesn't seem shy. He seems flirty and outgoing. I wouldn't waste any more of my time with him. There are plenty of interested guys out there. 3
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 I am considering asking whether he acts this way to everyone / is a flirt or not, or even asking a mutual friend for advice just to get it over with... is this a good idea? This is a terrible idea. Keep flirting. Do not ask Qs that put him on the spot (unless you are willing to go all in & actually ask him out). Flirt. Have fun. Your goal is to signal to him that if he's brave enough to ask you out, you will say yes. It takes a lot out of guy to work up the courage to ask a woman on a date & risk rejection. As an example: I met a guy at a singles event. I thought I was being very friendly & flirting. The conversation turned to work because he happened to be in the market for a professional service I provide. At the end of the event I gave him my business card & told him to call me. I added that I would be happy to talk to him about work but I'd be happier if he called me for social reasons. On date 2 he "confessed" that had I not said that he never would have called because he didn't think I liked him. (Inside I was dumb founded because I thought I had been flirting my tail off) Men are NOT mind readers. Make it easy for them 1
florida94 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 It really depends on how he treats other people. Is he like that to other people? Does he put arms around others almost right away? Sometimes a guy could be interested but other times it's just him being real genuine and nice to everybody he meets. A lot of guys do this actually, and it could be annoying when you think he likes you but he's really just like that to everyone. The most important thing is just to go with the flow. When the opportunity to flirt comes along, you grab that chance haha In the end, I see that he is interested to some degree. Feel it out and see how it goes.
Author healthyhopes Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 ugh, i texted him and he didn't reply. I'm not sure if it's because it's not something that should be replied to (it's just a video) but I can see he's active on other social media. I would reply to a text like what I sent him. I feel like I'm too clingy or something. I think I'll just be done with him (what I've constantly decided for the past two weeks, on and off) and give him a book he let me borrow back. Ugh! I really liked him :/ It would suck if he messaged me or snapchatted me in the next couple of days and reeled me back in (as he has in the past). I'm not sure why this whole scenario bothers me so much. I need to clear my head.
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 I don't understand your logic. You sent him a video that you admit does not require a response yet you are upset & contemplating never speaking to him again because he didn't respond. If this is an example of how you behave around him, he's probably very confused about what you want or expect from him.
Author healthyhopes Posted April 18, 2017 Author Posted April 18, 2017 (edited) No, I was upset because he would normally reply to something like that, or at least would have in the past, even if it's not something I guess 100% of the population would reply to. It's just like he's gone cold out of nowhere, or lost interest very quickly and it's so frustrating. This past week I had been initiating contact with him for a bit of time because I felt like something was up. He replied each time, and we had some short and friendly conversations but I still felt very off (maybe just my insecurity??? I don't know) because he was definitely speaking to me less. I read some of those dumb articles bout how a girl should sit on her hands so I said alright and felt extremely embarrassed for putting my interest in him out in the open like that and "chasing". I hate feeling vulnerable and clingy and haven't contacted him in two days. He hasn't contacted me either, except for liking my instagram photo yesterday which makes me think the interest he had in me has evaporated within the period of a week and I feel so dumb for continuing to contact him afterwards. I can't figure out what happened. I'm trying not to think about it but also feel let down by the situation. I'm not sure if he lost interest because he thinks I'm into other guys/don't like him, or because I showed too much of my own. I'm really not a flirty person but I did contact him first for a period of days, and have outright asked him to hang out 2 or three times. First time we did homework together, second time we hung out with his other friend, third time was this weekend where he said he couldn't (he couldn't hang out this weekend because he was going home for Easter... except he lives within the same city, 20 minutes away... and was hanging out with other friends who live near him late saturday night...). He's only asked me to hang out very casually-- like moment of-- twice. I still have a book he let me borrow and I know I'm going to have to finish it and then give it back to him, meaning I'll have to contact him first again. Also, I kind of want to tell him that I finished a movie that I had started with him (while we had been cuddling :/) with another friend (male) and that I liked the movie. Is this too petty to say? I had originally planned to finish it with him. Edited April 18, 2017 by healthyhopes i posted prematurely and it was unfinished
EmilyJane Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 (edited) Honey I have no idea which way or another this guy feels about you. But what I used to find helpful when dating is reflect on what signals I was giving out. Messaging him about half the time is not chasing him. Wearing next to nothing and cooking him dinner or offering to pick up his drycleaning is debasing yourself. Showing an interest in a fellow human being isn't. It does sound like things cooled. But what were you doing to give him go ahead signals? Like even on here I know that when people haven't replied to messages etc it's usually because my headspace means I'm just not extending myself enough. Trust me on this, it is way way easier to live with putting yourself out there and being rejected than it is to have what if regrets. And you do not want to live the rest of your life missing out because you're more afraid of rejection. This gets easier to handle with practice and it's usually not even about you. Plus in all honesty in all the times I have put my interest on the table I can count on one hand the number of times the guy wasn't into me. Edited April 19, 2017 by EmilyJane
coolheadal Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 No, I was upset because he would normally reply to something like that, or at least would have in the past, even if it's not something I guess 100% of the population would reply to. It's just like he's gone cold out of nowhere, or lost interest very quickly and it's so frustrating. This past week I had been initiating contact with him for a bit of time because I felt like something was up. He replied each time, and we had some short and friendly conversations but I still felt very off (maybe just my insecurity??? I don't know) because he was definitely speaking to me less. I read some of those dumb articles bout how a girl should sit on her hands so I said alright and felt extremely embarrassed for putting my interest in him out in the open like that and "chasing". I hate feeling vulnerable and clingy and haven't contacted him in two days. He hasn't contacted me either, except for liking my instagram photo yesterday which makes me think the interest he had in me has evaporated within the period of a week and I feel so dumb for continuing to contact him afterwards. I can't figure out what happened. I'm trying not to think about it but also feel let down by the situation. I'm not sure if he lost interest because he thinks I'm into other guys/don't like him, or because I showed too much of my own. I'm really not a flirty person but I did contact him first for a period of days, and have outright asked him to hang out 2 or three times. First time we did homework together, second time we hung out with his other friend, third time was this weekend where he said he couldn't (he couldn't hang out this weekend because he was going home for Easter... except he lives within the same city, 20 minutes away... and was hanging out with other friends who live near him late saturday night...). He's only asked me to hang out very casually-- like moment of-- twice. I still have a book he let me borrow and I know I'm going to have to finish it and then give it back to him, meaning I'll have to contact him first again. Also, I kind of want to tell him that I finished a movie that I had started with him (while we had been cuddling :/) with another friend (male) and that I liked the movie. Is this too petty to say? I had originally planned to finish it with him. You gone overboard with him he's not into you as you had thought. Just in the friend-zone. Go with your plan and finish it with him. Remember not everyone going to be attracted to each other. This guy lost interest but he won't be so polite to tell you so. Then he just drags you long with his friends. So you see you are a friend only too. But that's not what you want you want to be more than that. But he's not into you like you had hope. Please take that as hint move on and get a guy who interested in you and wants to be with you. That's what you need in your life.. You have done all you can not working get out of it now.
Author healthyhopes Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 You gone overboard with him he's not into you as you had thought. Just in the friend-zone. Go with your plan and finish it with him. Remember not everyone going to be attracted to each other. This guy lost interest but he won't be so polite to tell you so. Then he just drags you long with his friends. So you see you are a friend only too. But that's not what you want you want to be more than that. But he's not into you like you had hope. Please take that as hint move on and get a guy who interested in you and wants to be with you. That's what you need in your life.. You have done all you can not working get out of it now. the two times I had hung out with his friends he had his arm around me and treated me differently though.... The last two posters gave some very conflicting advice, haha. I have no idea what to do. I'm not sure what go-ahead signals are, honestly. Is asking him to hang out a go-ahead signal? He took long hours responding to my messages last night (he had messaged me first, after we hadn't spoken for two days) and the conversation finally ended earlier today. Do I take this as proof that he doesn't like me and just move on? Or should I put ahead some "go-ahead" signals and see how he responds?
Author healthyhopes Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 Should I just ask him out and face major embarrassment when he rejects me (but then I would at least KNOW) or leave it?
Author healthyhopes Posted April 20, 2017 Author Posted April 20, 2017 Hey guys! Sorry for the constant updating. I asked him today about everything, and he said that we are too different so he doesn't forsee a relationship with me. Of course, this doesn't explain anything else but we've made it clear that he's not putting his arm around me anymore. I actually feel so much better. I feel (and hate to use this word) empowered. When I asked the last guy out, I had debased myself in the process but here I put forth exactly what I wanted, and when he said no collected myself and thanked him for being honest with me. I feel relieved that I have an answer, finally. I just hope that we can still be friends (I feel like I've moved on already??). I'm not going to contact him until he contacts me first because I don't wanna seem like I'm pressuring him. It would be cool to have him around. Thanks everyone! 1
Ronnys93 Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 Hey guys! Sorry for the constant updating. I asked him today about everything, and he said that we are too different so he doesn't forsee a relationship with me. Of course, this doesn't explain anything else but we've made it clear that he's not putting his arm around me anymore. I actually feel so much better. I feel (and hate to use this word) empowered. When I asked the last guy out, I had debased myself in the process but here I put forth exactly what I wanted, and when he said no collected myself and thanked him for being honest with me. I feel relieved that I have an answer, finally. I just hope that we can still be friends (I feel like I've moved on already??). I'm not going to contact him until he contacts me first because I don't wanna seem like I'm pressuring him. It would be cool to have him around. Thanks everyone! Good for you for setting everything straight. My ex did that, kissed me, claimed he liked me, said I was worth it and turned out he wasn't ready for a relationship. I'm glad that you set your boundaries which was MY big mistake. Continue to set your boundaries if you are okay with being friends BE friends, but don't let it transgress to FWB. Just be cool if he even does contact you first.
coolheadal Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 (edited) Hey guys! Sorry for the constant updating. I asked him today about everything, and he said that we are too different so he doesn't forsee a relationship with me. Of course, this doesn't explain anything else but we've made it clear that he's not putting his arm around me anymore. I actually feel so much better. I feel (and hate to use this word) empowered. When I asked the last guy out, I had debased myself in the process but here I put forth exactly what I wanted, and when he said no collected myself and thanked him for being honest with me. I feel relieved that I have an answer, finally. I just hope that we can still be friends (I feel like I've moved on already??). I'm not going to contact him until he contacts me first because I don't wanna seem like I'm pressuring him. It would be cool to have him around. Thanks everyone! Now that you know the truth, very proud of your efforts in this matter. Now let him chase you if he does or not. Do not call, text, follow him in anything just move on. Better that way you do not want to be come a stalker and I no your heart is in the right place, but you tend to forget who your dealing with. Your in a friend-zone keep that way. Now move on look for someone who wants to be more than friends with you. Your need that we all need that, your never alone in the LS community welcome home friend! Edited April 20, 2017 by coolheadal 1
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