boyfromhouston Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 (edited) hello once again guys, newbie here...need a bit of advice. so to make an incredibly long and tedious story short.... around january, i reconnected with an old friend from 2015, we worked @ the same place and were strictly friends back then. she recently came back & we began texting. i made it very clear that i liked her. she'd just recently got out of a relationship with the father of her 1 year old son. although i wanted her badly, i can understand not wanting to jump right back into something that soon. so it was natural for me to be completely understanding when she told me a relationship wasn't what she was looking for. although, she would constantly tell me how i was the perfect guy and i was perfect for her and i'd make a great boyfriend, yada yada yah...all that crap. she would even joke and ask god to send her signs that i wasn't right for her so she'd have a reason to stop talking to me. we'd flirt heavily at work, all touchy feely kinda stuff & we talked almost every day for at least a full 30 days, we even kissed a couple times. forgive me if it seem slike i'm taking this all too seriously but i get attached really fast. a few things happened in between and i started seeing red flags (i'll elaborate if someone anyone wants details, im trying to keep this short as possible lol) but still wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and just wait around for her to maybe get over him & realize i could be right for her. well those red flags quickly went from small-dismissable red flags to gigantic-in ur face red flags. and all these red flags were noticed between the end of january and mid march. now i'm in a space mentally where part of me is content with just being platonic friends with her but in the back of my mind i know it'll only be toxic for me because if i'm in contact with her, the romantic feelings won't go away. but at the same, she always tells me how she's never had any REAL friendships so the last thing i want to do is turn my back on her completely and just cut her off. i assured her i would be there for her and all that stuff(which i probably shouldn't have done) but now that i look at the bigger picture, there's no way i can get over her completely if we're still talking, texting and hanging out. EDIT: by the way, i've left that job so there's no way i'll have to see her on a constant basis. Edited April 12, 2017 by boyfromhouston
Lilyana76 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Explain to her you need some space to give your heart some time to heal. And then go no contact for a little while, until you are in a space where you can handle being her friend. My fear for you is, even if you have limited contact with her, she will leave you breadcrumbs... meaning placing ideas that she might be with you later. In order to heal you may have to go full non contact for some time. When someone suffers a heartbreak, they need time to heal. She should be understanding to this if you explain to her that you need space. The fact that you are posting here means you know what you need to do for yourself. You are just afraid of hurting her feelings. Did she consider yours when trying to get involved with you then backing away? Take some time for you to heal. You know what you need to do.
Danger Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 This is a simple case of words versus actions. Her words seem to mostly tell you what you want to hear, but her actions tell you what she really wants. Ultimately this means she wants some other guy, and all you get are words.... Best to move on. 1
Author boyfromhouston Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 Did she consider yours when trying to get involved with you then backing away? Take some time for you to heal. You know what you need to do. thanks for responding....actually yes to answer the question above. after me giving her a ride home the first few times, she told me she didn't want a relationship at the moment...but a day or two later we kissed. it's like regardless of her telling me she didn't want a relationship, her actions said otherwise. and i kind of put myself in hotwater cause i made up a BS friendship contract as a joke, stating that we'd facetime each other once a week lol and be friends....now i wish i would've never done that. before last night, i hadn't spoke with her since the very beginning of april, i'm completely content with not talking to her
OatsAndHall Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 There would be too many mixed messages for me on this one. And, I have a problem with over-the-top flattery, even if I know someone well. It just doesn't seem sincere when you're getting blasted by it. I know there are people on here who are religious but I would have an issue with her comment about "God sending her a sign". That is a seriously off-the-wall statement, in many ways. I'm agnostic but I'd hope that statement would be a red-flag for most people. Even those that are religious.
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 You can't be friends with somebody you have romantic feelings for. It's not fair to you & too painful. On the theory that friends share everything & talk, what are you & her doing to talk about your next romances? Do you really want to hear about the guy she likes or how many times she has sex with her baby daddy? I'm not suggesting you be mean but put a lot of distance in here for your own sanity. 1
ChatroomHero Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 That will be the tough part of being friends. On Monday, she'll tell you about how you are perfect for her, how she wishes she was ready to date, how when she is ready she hopes you'll be single...and then on Tuesday she will say how she met another guy and how much she loves him. She probably really likes you but does not feel attraction. She wants to like you, that's why she says how great you would be for her, she just doesn't feel that way for you. Her kissing you was probably her trying to see if she could feel something but didn't. Move on. If you kept to your 'friend' contract, she'd break it before too long anyway when she meets some guy she is into.
kendahke Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 You being her friend means you listen to her talk about her feelings about her ex, who she may not be emotionally done with. Just because they broke up doesn't mean they're emotionally done with one another, especially with a child in the picture. Are you ready to listen to that and just listen like a friend would? If not, you need to let this go work out her issues with her ex. In the first place, you don't want to be her friend: you want to be her man. She's not going to give you that opening and will remind you when you do cross a line. I'd look elsewhere for a girlfriend for now and keep the contact to a minimum. Unless you want to be her male girlfriend who she cries to about her relationship woes, put the brakes on this.
Author boyfromhouston Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 I know there are people on here who are religious but I would have an issue with her comment about "God sending her a sign". That is a seriously off-the-wall statement, in many ways. I'm agnostic but I'd hope that statement would be a red-flag for most people. Even those that are religious. definitely agree about the mixed feelings part lol, i'm actually agnostic also... You can't be friends with somebody you have romantic feelings for. It's not fair to you & too painful. On the theory that friends share everything & talk, what are you & her doing to talk about your next romances? Do you really want to hear about the guy she likes or how many times she has sex with her baby daddy? I'm not suggesting you be mean but put a lot of distance in here for your own sanity. exactly, i guess the tough part for me is explaining to her that i want the distance...the pissed off part of me wants to just cut her off completely(ie. the title) but the rational nice guy part of me wants to at least tell her how i feel. That will be the tough part of being friends. On Monday, she'll tell you about how you are perfect for her, how she wishes she was ready to date, how when she is ready she hopes you'll be single...and then on Tuesday she will say how she met another guy and how much she loves him. She probably really likes you but does not feel attraction. She wants to like you, that's why she says how great you would be for her, she just doesn't feel that way for you. Her kissing you was probably her trying to see if she could feel something but didn't. Move on. If you kept to your 'friend' contract, she'd break it before too long anyway when she meets some guy she is into. lmao, exactly man...i honestly wasn't taking the contract too seriously, not like i signed my soul over the satan. You being her friend means you listen to her talk about her feelings about her ex, who she may not be emotionally done with. Just because they broke up doesn't mean they're emotionally done with one another, especially with a child in the picture. Are you ready to listen to that and just listen like a friend would? If not, you need to let this go work out her issues with her ex. In the first place, you don't want to be her friend: you want to be her man. She's not going to give you that opening and will remind you when you do cross a line. I'd look elsewhere for a girlfriend for now and keep the contact to a minimum. Unless you want to be her male girlfriend who she cries to about her relationship woes, put the brakes on this. OMG, i think ur reply just helped me figure out how to verbally say everything to her, thanks lol
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