So let down

[Kriskris]

Hello!

 

My name is Kristen, im a 27 year old. A little background on me from the relationship standpoint: I have been single for a year and have not wanted to pursue any kind of dating/relationship until i felt i was over my last relationship. So, for the past year I have just focused on myself and moving on. I had no men in my life at all.

Now for my dilemma... I am a nurse I work in the Er and one of the firemen voiced his interest in me to another nurse, long story short ended up giving me his number. We hung out, went on dates.. he went above and beyond for me..cooking me dinner...letting me know how great and beautiful i was daily. We did end up having sex but it was by the 5th time we hung out after a really hot and heavy start to getting to know eachother. Anyways, we continued hanging out and he continued talking about the possible future ..he would say "if you play your cards right.." and then would say something we would do in the future. He even came over when i was sick and saw me at my worst! Lol. He even hung out with me and my friends numerous times and told them how much he liked me. He told me he talked to his friends about me too.

Soooo i was driving to South Carolina to visit my dad and started thinking on the long drive...i ended up calling this guy and basically asking where it was going and what his intentions were. I hardly heard from him while on vaca and when i got home he did not reach out to me. I did finally reach out a few days after being home and asked if he wanted to hang out. We agreed that friday would work..friday came and i didny hear from him so i texted him that it was cowardly the way he handled it. He sent a mean text back saying that im too quivk to jump to conclusions and that us dating was a horrible idea with everything he has going on. There was more to his text and i was so upset and i still am.

My question is how can someone pursue you.. show so much interest..and then just drop you. And why do i hurt so much and why do i want to call him? It was only a few weeks of us.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

 

People who come on hot and heavy are to be viewed with a degree of skepticism. Sure, feel free to enjoy the ride if you want to, but don't take them any more seriously than the guys who just act regular.

 

By the way, if a guy talked about a future together "if I played my cards right", I'd be giving him the side eye. Such an arrogant thing for him to say.

[Mkn1010]

Hi Kristen,

 

 

I think it's great that you took a year off after your relationship ended, many people don't bother with this necessary step. I did that too when I was your age, no men at all for a year+. I then started dating again as I felt ready and that I had healed in my time alone. However, when I started dating again, I realized how wrong I was. The new guys seems to trigger past insecurities of mine and I had an uncanny habit of attracting emotionally unavailable men. So, in some cases, depending on what happened in your long term relationship, a year isn't very long at all. It's hard to say without knowing more details, but if it was one that involved trauma, counseling to re-train your thinking and behaviors is imperative. I know I'm just starting to piece together the puzzle and all the required 'a-ha' moments three years on.

 

 

Anyway, now to the recent sitch.... well.... I get the vibe that you may have been a little reactionary in the way you handled his distant attitude (again, hard to know without more details about what you said to him specifically so hopefully I'm not offending you) and that happens a lot in the early stages of dating again for the first time. Anxieties are massively triggered etc. And it may be worth reading up on what kind of attachment style you have.

 

 

As to him, he sounds like a huge ass and I say that as the line "if you play your cards right" really stood out to me. It sounds like a manipulative thing to say and/or that it's only you who needs to impress him and he holds all the power to decide if he wants to continue with you while you apparently have no decisions to be making yourself :/ .....could have been just a throwaway line but it alarmed me nonetheless.

 

 

This scenario sucks, especially as your first experience back in the dating pool. But I really believe there will be a lot to learn from here if you're really honest with yourself. Please don't think I'm insinuating that you did anything wrong, I don't think that at all, some things just don't work out and could be due to where you're both currently at. It also, in my opinion, doesn't sound like he was really wanting a serious relationship and I say that because he seems to have distanced himself and got mean when it became apparent that you had expectations (which you rightly had).

 

 

Be kind to yourself! You've got plenty of time girl

[Titanll]

I'm not going to be my usual jerky self and be snarky. First, that sucks and I hope you get past him/hurting soon.

 

Sounds like he basically got what he was after...some guys will do most anything and promise the moon and stars just to hit it and quit it.

 

Try maybe going for an ex soldier next time. Firemen and cops are usually just cocky jerks with low IQs, tiny penises and big mouths. Shallow women crawl them because they wouldn't know what good lovin is if it slapped them in their coochies!

 

Yes, I am ex military haha! I hear Montanans are also great guys...

 

Keep your head up, don't become jaded and think that we are all like this numbnut.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

He wanted you for a piece of ass and nothing more. I'm sure he was banging some other chick while you were on vacation.

 

Any guy who says to a woman "If you play your cards right" is a guy who has no issue with jumping from bed to bed getting what he can, play the fireman card and get laid and move on to the next chick who will do it. He has a little too high an opinion of himself. Guys like that are usually on the news after getting shot by an irate husband catching him in bed with his wife.

 

You need not feel bad. You are not the first girl he has done it to and you won't be the last.

 

Block him from contact and get on with your life.

[Titanll]

OP,

 

He wanted you for a piece of ass and nothing more. I'm sure he was banging some other chick while you were on vacation.

 

Any guy who says to a woman "If you play your cards right" is a guy who has no issue with jumping from bed to bed getting what he can, play the fireman card and get laid and move on to the next chick who will do it. He has a little too high an opinion of himself. Guys like that are usually on the news after getting shot by an irate husband catching him in bed with his wife.

 

You need not feel bad. You are not the first girl he has done it to and you won't be the last.

 

Block him from contact and get on with your life.

 

Sound advice and spot on!

[Kriskris]

I also want to add that he had just caught his ex cheating on him a month before we started talking...i know i know i should of ran for the hills but i was fooled by him! It sucks that i hurt and it wasnt even a legit relationship. I feel like i might just have past feeling resurfacing.

[Kriskris]

He was ex military as well lol

[curiouslysearching]

Hi Kristen,

 

 

I think it's great that you took a year off after your relationship ended, many people don't bother with this necessary step. I did that too when I was your age, no men at all for a year+. I then started dating again as I felt ready and that I had healed in my time alone. However, when I started dating again, I realized how wrong I was. The new guys seems to trigger past insecurities of mine and I had an uncanny habit of attracting emotionally unavailable men. So, in some cases, depending on what happened in your long term relationship, a year isn't very long at all. It's hard to say without knowing more details, but if it was one that involved trauma, counseling to re-train your thinking and behaviors is imperative. I know I'm just starting to piece together the puzzle and all the required 'a-ha' moments three years on.

 

 

Anyway, now to the recent sitch.... well.... I get the vibe that you may have been a little reactionary in the way you handled his distant attitude (again, hard to know without more details about what you said to him specifically so hopefully I'm not offending you) and that happens a lot in the early stages of dating again for the first time. Anxieties are massively triggered etc. And it may be worth reading up on what kind of attachment style you have.

 

 

As to him, he sounds like a huge ass and I say that as the line "if you play your cards right" really stood out to me. It sounds like a manipulative thing to say and/or that it's only you who needs to impress him and he holds all the power to decide if he wants to continue with you while you apparently have no decisions to be making yourself :/ .....could have been just a throwaway line but it alarmed me nonetheless.

 

 

This scenario sucks, especially as your first experience back in the dating pool. But I really believe there will be a lot to learn from here if you're really honest with yourself. Please don't think I'm insinuating that you did anything wrong, I don't think that at all, some things just don't work out and could be due to where you're both currently at. It also, in my opinion, doesn't sound like he was really wanting a serious relationship and I say that because he seems to have distanced himself and got mean when it became apparent that you had expectations (which you rightly had).

 

 

Be kind to yourself! You've got plenty of time girl

 

 

It almost seems (from the limited information) that YOU were a conquest

of sorts (I AM SORRY FOR USING THAT TERM).....and I totally agree with

Titan and SR. Kristen, you are worth much more than the respect this guy showed you. He sounds quite arrogant and not much of a gentleman at all.

I will never fully understand why SOMEONE (man or woman) that is no longer interested simply DOES NOT SAY JUST THAT. I conceded that it is better done in a civil and respectful manner but say it nonetheless.

[Dis]

Firemen and cops are usually just cocky jerks with low IQs, tiny penises and big mouths.

 

I've dated these types before and will never do it again

 

I'm generalizing but IME.....Cops, corrections officers etc have huge egos, little compassion and jump from woman to woman while they profess their 'love' for you

 

I'm in the nursing profession too. Be careful who you give your big heart to

 

Also want to point out this guy probably love bombed you. Google it so you can avoid it in the future

 

There are good guys out there! I promise! But most of them arent the law enforcement types

 

I also do recommend you holding off on sex until an exclusive relationship is established (unless you want casual sex and nothing more)

 

Give it time girl and let yourself heal.....a good guy will come along eventually!

[Gaeta]

OH dear, so sorry you came across one of 'those'.

 

When a man comes on too strong at the beginning and when he makes it a 'game' if you play your cards right (rolling my eyes) than he's bad news. The other huge red flag is this man was recently out of a relationship, don't touch those not even with a 6' pole ok! You've learn a lot here. Remember all this next time. Now just dust yourself and get back on your saddle.

[mortensorchid]

I was with one of those years ago, came on very strong, got me interested, then vanished or said he didn't know how he felt about this. I ditched him eventually.

 

I know what that's like to get lead on. But you'll be okay, move on.

[Dtrain2EtOWN]

You are feeling ego slight and nothing more. Consider, as a clinician, what objective findings would support your symptoms? None. Wouldn't it be lovely if the collective conscious made heroes of those whose healthy sense of trust and self worth got high jacked by an emotionally impotent male. And that is what he is. And that is what really happened.

 

Women and men alike devalue a woman who has multiple sex partners. Pity masks contempt for those who admit they were "used" under false pretenses. No matter how accomplished we are we remain the benefactors of shame for seeing good where there was none. Or more popularly "for seeing what we wanted to see."

 

This de facto right is extended to all males but the quintessential man has no need for it. This lesser male simply mimics what he sees other males doing to incite receptivity. All humans mimic but this one is compensating for failing where it hurts him the most. Work, career or lack there of. He feels powerless and bagging babes like it's his job is the best that he can do. Hey maybe his girl dumped him for his lack of mobility. Double whammy. Perhaps his brother is an Ivy League trained MD. Who knows. Who cares. Do not blame yourself for his lack of sophistication.

 

We do recover. Soon enough his power will fade. His misfortune will scarcely register. Twisted bright side: we don't belong to a collective conscious that sees clitoral castration and genital mutilation as an appropriate measure toward alleviating societal male insecurity. WTF?

 

I wish you a rapid recovery and I certainly hope his jackass was a one off in the ER. I would strongly consider limiting details and discussion with co-workers regarding this man. Incivility and bullying is a well documented problem in the nursing profession. If I had nickel for every time I regretted being friendy at work I'd be rich.

[Titanll]

He was ex military as well lol

 

Must have been Navy or Coast Guard, haha!

[Leigh 87]

OH dear, so sorry you came across one of 'those'.

 

When a man comes on too strong at the beginning and when he makes it a 'game' if you play your cards right (rolling my eyes) than he's bad news. The other huge red flag is this man was recently out of a relationship, don't touch those not even with a 6' pole ok! You've learn a lot here. Remember all this next time. Now just dust yourself and get back on your saddle.

 

Yep nearly ALL men who come on strong and talk future plans, are fakers.

 

Or maybe they believe their own spiel. Highly doubtful.

 

Coming on strong isn't always a bad sign. It is the future planning! Always every time, the premature future talk is a sign to run for the hills ........

 

Don't discard hot and heavy OP- sometimes two people are just very into each other. But you are still virtual strangers during the first month or two, so any future talking is hugely concerning since nearly ALL that do it, are bad news.

[Titanll]

Yep nearly ALL men who come on strong and talk future plans, are fakers.

 

Or maybe they believe their own spiel. Highly doubtful.

 

Coming on strong isn't always a bad sign. It is the future planning! Always every time, the premature future talk is a sign to run for the hills ........

 

Don't discard hot and heavy OP- sometimes two people are just very into each other. But you are still virtual strangers during the first month or two, so any future talking is hugely concerning since nearly ALL that do it, are bad news.

 

Good advice, here.

[Kriskris]

Thank you everyone!

Edited April 13, 2017 by Kriskris