Annieh Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 Hi guys,my boyfriend and I split up around 6 weeks ago,I felt like I wanted the relationship more than him so moaned about it,he ended it cause said he couldn't make me happy. Since then he would message me daily,general chit chat and funny pics etc. This was fine for a week or so but then I needed to know what was happening so said we either met up and talked about if we were worth saving or not to contact me again...he replied with a "how's your day?xxxx" I didn't respond and haven't done since (21 days) he's only messaged once since on day 13 saying he saw a pet like mine Andrew it made him sad....he's 35, not a child despite the burying head in sand. Help!! I'm 33,I love him and don't know if NC is the right thing or whether I need to stick to it and see if he actually acts like he wants me or let him move on to another (a massive fear I have with NC) sorry for the essay! I hate feeling like this
Zahara Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 Hi guys,my boyfriend and I split up around 6 weeks ago,I felt like I wanted the relationship more than him so moaned about it,he ended it cause said he couldn't make me happy. Since then he would message me daily,general chit chat and funny pics etc. This was fine for a week or so but then I needed to know what was happening so said we either met up and talked about if we were worth saving or not to contact me again...he replied with a "how's your day?xxxx" I didn't respond and haven't done since (21 days) he's only messaged once since on day 13 saying he saw a pet like mine Andrew it made him sad....he's 35, not a child despite the burying head in sand. Help!! I'm 33,I love him and don't know if NC is the right thing or whether I need to stick to it and see if he actually acts like he wants me or let him move on to another (a massive fear I have with NC) sorry for the essay! I hate feeling like this OP, dumpers do this because while they cannot be invested in the relationship anymore, just like the dumpee, there's a certain degree of fear moving into singledom. So they keep the dumpee in the background as a transitional crutch. They still want the familiarity because it feeds their temporary needs. He's ended the relationship with you. He's evaded your question about saving the relationship. The only two things you need to know. All the breadcrumbs -- you need to ignore. If he actually wants you he will show you. He isn't showing you anything other than throwing you bait for attention. Go straight to NC. He knows where to find you if he wants to be with you. 3
alandru Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 OP, dumpers do this because while they cannot be invested in the relationship anymore, just like the dumpee, there's a certain degree of fear moving into singledom. So they keep the dumpee in the background as a transitional crutch. They still want the familiarity because it feeds their temporary needs. He's ended the relationship with you. He's evaded your question about saving the relationship. The only two things you need to know. All the breadcrumbs -- you need to ignore. If he actually wants you he will show you. He isn't showing you anything other than throwing you bait for attention. Go straight to NC. He knows where to find you if he wants to be with you. +1 @Zahara: The breadcrumbs thing... that just made me think of all the times I read into the littlest of things and wasted years of my life and ruined my health.
d0nnivain Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 he's 35, not a child despite the burying head in sand. Help!! I'm 33,I love him and don't know if NC is the right thing or whether I need to stick to it and see if he actually acts like he wants me or let him move on to another (a massive fear I have with NC) sorry for the essay! I hate feeling like this You misunderstand NC. It's not about causing the other person to miss you. It's not an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing. It's about not picking at your emotional scabs. When you interact with an EX you delay your healing by not moving on. If you want to fix your relationship you have to talk & work together. You two are already at cross purposes. When you asked if he wanted to talk about saving the relationship he changed the subject & dodged the Q. Therefore his answer is no he doesn't want to save the relationship. Knowing that, you can't fix what's wrong all by yourself so YOU have to move on 1
fromheart Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Hi guys,my boyfriend and I split up around 6 weeks ago,I felt like I wanted the relationship more than him so moaned about it,he ended it cause said he couldn't make me happy. Since then he would message me daily,general chit chat and funny pics etc. This was fine for a week or so but then I needed to know what was happening so said we either met up and talked about if we were worth saving or not to contact me again...he replied with a "how's your day?xxxx" I didn't respond and haven't done since (21 days) he's only messaged once since on day 13 saying he saw a pet like mine Andrew it made him sad....he's 35, not a child despite the burying head in sand. Help!! I'm 33,I love him and don't know if NC is the right thing or whether I need to stick to it and see if he actually acts like he wants me or let him move on to another (a massive fear I have with NC) sorry for the essay! I hate feeling like this Any self respecting man would walk away if a woman said he wants the relationship more than her. There is no other option. If you get back together, you're probably just going to come to this conclusion again. Sounds like he hasn't let go and is still hoping for reconciliation, as are you. You told him he wants the relationship more than you, its possessive of you to not want him to move on to another who would actually want the relationship as much as him.
Author Annieh Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 I felt that I wanted it more than him and he said he felt that he wasn't making me happy-he's a lovely guy and we have so much in common, he said nobody will ever be as perfect for him...but wont meet to talk and is happy messaging all day long! I did No contact not to play games but to see if he wanted me enough to sort it out....one message in 21 days and that was about seeing a dog like mine which he said made him sad!!
Zahara Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 I felt that I wanted it more than him and he said he felt that he wasn't making me happy-he's a lovely guy and we have so much in common, he said nobody will ever be as perfect for him...but wont meet to talk and is happy messaging all day long! I did No contact not to play games but to see if he wanted me enough to sort it out....one message in 21 days and that was about seeing a dog like mine which he said made him sad!! Take those type of statements with a grain of salt. That's just dumpers speak -- that's what they say to alleviate the pain and impact that the dumpee is feeling. It means nothing but just their way of gently letting you down. He won't meet to talk because he knows what you want and he knows he cannot give you what you want. So he avoids you. Yes, he is happy messaging because he can hide behind that and still get the attention that he needs. Go NC and stay there.
Bromeo Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Take those type of statements with a grain of salt. That's just dumpers speak -- that's what they say to alleviate the pain and impact that the dumpee is feeling. It means nothing but just their way of gently letting you down. He won't meet to talk because he knows what you want and he knows he cannot give you what you want. So he avoids you. Yes, he is happy messaging because he can hide behind that and still get the attention that he needs. Go NC and stay there. I'm very sorry you are hurting. I've been in this situation as well. Zahara is absolutely right. My ex would text continuously, but never call and ditch plans when we made them. Looking back, she was too weak to end things, and I had to shoehorn her into talking on the phone. When on the phone, "I love you, I miss what we had, I still feel our bond, etc" However there was no action to back things up. The last straw were the emails, and then the memes and quotes sent at 4am, but still with no talking. I had to cut it, it hurt very badly. He likes the attention, and is too immature and weak to end things and consider your feelings unless everyone in this community is way, way off. I had to love myself, and want to stop hurting more than I loved the other person. 2.5 months NC later and I see things much clearer. Be safe.
marky00 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 The reason why NC is a difficult option to choose is because its such a slow process of healing and that can get frustrating. Don't aim too high at first. Initially, just be content you have cut the contact so you are no longer being hurt by the lies which is all his talk is right now. That in itself will start to make you feel a little better. After a couple of months of that, you will enter the next phase where you have to face the big picture of everything that is happened. This is the slow frustrating part but unfortunately there is nothing that can be done about that. I've been NC for almost 10 months and I'm still working my way through the second stage but mind you my relationship was a rather long one. As long as you keep NC up, your always past stage 1, so your always going to feel about 50 percent better. With stage 2 but, you really do ebb and flow which is frustrating but that's just the way it is. I think what makes stage 2 even harder is you get no validation of how much you have healed. For example, if you did meet up with your Ex and you were not too affected by that, it would start to en-force the fact of how far you have come. But since that rarely happens, you don't really ever get to fully know how much you have healed.
Author Annieh Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 I know you're all right in what you say,he really was just telling me what I wanted to hear! Doesn't make it any easier though!! I also know I need to stop Feb stalking and seeing that he has liked other girls pics etc....I think he has Peter Pan syndrome and never wants to actually settle down...just hard to come to terms with possibly never speaking/seeing him again! I've got over a 12 year relationship,I'm sure I can get over this in time!
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