Dating a Military Man - Is This Worth It?

[selinaluv]

Hello,

 

As always, dating can be interesting and my new situation is no exception. Really I am wondering if this is worth moving forward.

 

I recently wrote about a man I started talking to a month ago. He is setting up dates, courting me, calling me, and consistently showing me his interest. I like him and we have great rapport. There is true potential here and his interaction with me is on a level very different from the typical dates. He has made it very clear that I am someone of potential and he likes me.

 

We started out talking for a week and a half, then have had two great dates, and one scheduled tonight... so it is very early. Admittedly we got intimate on our first date, but I have zero regrets. I wanted it.

 

We have only been on two dates, but had four scheduled. One he needed to cancel because of an allergy attack that put him in the ER and one cancelled last night because he is out of town dealing with family business. He immediately rescheduled for tonight and I am awaiting his plans.

 

I was also out of town for 10 days and he consistently stayed in touch the entire time I was gone. Calling and texting me when appropriate. Last night's date was set last minute the night prior when I returned from my trip because he couldn't wait to see me.

 

The problem?

 

One he has a lot on his plate. Four kids and a career in the military. He has a high security job and it is the kind of role that can take him out of commission at the last minute.

 

Two (and this is the kicker), last Wednesday he received word he will need to transfer to a base out of the country for a year. He will then return to my city to take up a permanent job at a nearby base.

 

He called me to discuss when he found out and expressed to me that he likes me very much and would like to keep seeing me for the 1.5 months he is here before he leaves and keep in contact while he is gone. We did agree that there is a lot of good here and it may be worth continuing the communication and seeing what happens. He was very excited when I told him I may be open to it.

 

But I am wondering if this is realistic, if I can handle it on my end, and whether he just has too much on his plate. I like him and think he is worth it at this point and he says he wants me in his life.

 

At this point, he can get frantic with planning to see me. For example he asked to see me Monday night and I said sure. Then his plans changed with family commitments and had to stay out of town one more day. He called me to ask me to reschedule for tonight and I said okay. I am arranging childcare and need to be sure if we are set, but I am not confident his schedule will allow it to happen.

 

If he does it again, I may tell him to call me when he is totally free. I imagine it will continue like this before he leaves. It is frustrating for me, but I understand what he is dealing with. He is very aware of his limitations, but doesn't want to cut me out. I don't want to do that either, but I am wondering if this is all just for not. I also fear him pulling back anyway because of the circumstances, but he continues to tell me he really doesn't want that.

Edited April 11, 2017 by selinaluv

[Tressugar]

I'm a pro when it comes to dating military men. I say let it go and see where things are when he returns from TDY. Chances are that the two of won't be on the same page ( a lot factors change and come into play as time progresses), but miracles have been known to happen.

 

GL

[selinaluv]

I'm a pro when it comes to dating military men. I say let it go and see where things are when he returns from TDY. Chances are that the two of won't be on the same page ( a lot factors change and come into play as time progresses), but miracles have been known to happen.

 

GL

 

I understand. It just hurts when you can see this could go somewhere, then circumstances get in the way. He had taken a break from dating and finally thought he was in the clear and could settle down.

[smackie9]

No don't do it....if you want stability, don't go there.

[Gaeta]

I was married 15 years with an army man. You have to be ready to uproot yourself and your children many times in your life. By the time my daughter was in grade 6 it was her 6th school. We moved often and we don't get to decide where we move. You can end up in a cool city or on a base that doesn't see the sunlight for half the year. While married to my military ex I didn't see my parents for many years in a row, we were thousands of miles away and we could not afford the 5K round trip to me to visit them.

 

Think twice about it. This is not just a relationship you'll be getting but an entire different life style and I am not talking about the months spent alone raising your kids on your own because he's somewhere oversea.

[selinaluv]

I was married 15 years with an army man. You have to be ready to uproot yourself and your children many times in your life. By the time my daughter was in grade 6 it was her 6th school. We moved often and we don't get to decide where we move. You can end up in a cool city or on a base that doesn't see the sunlight for half the year. While married to my military ex I didn't see my parents for many years in a row, we were thousands of miles away and we could not afford the 5K round trip to me to visit them.

 

Think twice about it. This is not just a relationship you'll be getting but an entire different life style and I am not talking about the months spent alone raising your kids on your own because he's somewhere oversea.

 

Yes I am starting to get a small view into the commitment level and how much you do not know. My heart hurts for his kids.

 

He is 42 and states that he will be back for sure and the job my way in a year is stable and will keep him there for good. That is what he says. His kids are with his ex in my city and will stay there, so he has ties to the area.

 

In his role he can't tell me some things and can disappear with me wondering where he went. He will then pop up a day later stating he is working overnights and got called in without warning. And this is not a ruse, he checks out and it appears to be the facts.

 

It is just frustrating. He insisted on seeing me tonight. It was his idea and even when I balked at it he said he will make it happen. I sent a text this am to confirm and have not heard from him. I am sure all is set, but I can't be 100% sure. I am torn between throwing in the towel and holding on because I do like him a great deal.

[Simple Logic]

You do understand the concept of orders? Yes, you aren't in the military be every order he receives will affect your life. So basically you too are in the military like it or not.

[d0nnivain]

Enjoy the next 1.5 months. Might as well. He's still here & he's a good guy.

 

 

Wish him well with the transfer. Continue to be in contact . . . . not daily, maybe weekly or less while he's away as long as it's fun for you with no expectations. You are "broken up" and both of you are free to date & sleep with whomever you want.

 

 

If he actually gets transferred back AND you are both free & still interested -- a lot of contingencies -- revisit the issue of dating then but for now do not even try to make a commitment. Do not let him leave thinking you are "keeping the home fires burning."

[selinaluv]

You do understand the concept of orders? Yes, you aren't in the military be every order he receives will affect your life. So basically you too are in the military like it or not.

 

You know I thought I did, but I am getting a better understanding now and a new found respect for women who do date men in the military.

[selinaluv]

Enjoy the next 1.5 months. Might as well. He's still here & he's a good guy.

 

 

Wish him well with the transfer. Continue to be in contact . . . . not daily, maybe weekly or less while he's away as long as it's fun for you with no expectations. You are "broken up" and both of you are free to date & sleep with whomever you want.

 

 

If he actually gets transferred back AND you are both free & still interested -- a lot of contingencies -- revisit the issue of dating then but for now do not even try to make a commitment. Do not let him leave thinking you are "keeping the home fires burning."

 

This is actually how I planned to treat this and definitely will keep note of your last sentence.

 

Unfortunately I am not sure what is happening now. After we set our date yesterday morning I have not heard from him since. I checked in this morning to get details and nothing. Very unlike him so far, so I am confused.

 

I know it's early and we will see, but I did wonder if he would just pull away because it would be "easier" at some point. He does come off as a very impulsive person sometimes and doesn't seem to think about the consequences.

[d0nnivain]

He's probably pulling away a little bit to lessen his own pain at leaving plus if he's leaving in 45 days he has a lot to do -- pack etc. Don't get hung up on it.

[selinaluv]

He's probably pulling away a little bit to lessen his own pain at leaving plus if he's leaving in 45 days he has a lot to do -- pack etc. Don't get hung up on it.

 

Unfortunately that is what I am thinking and I would understand. I wish he would just tell me instead of trying to force it and insist on meeting if he can't. He is probably doing me a favor.

[Dis]

Ohh I'm sorry girl It must suck to meet someone great only for this to happen

 

Think of the big picture though...theres plenty of guys out there that are willing to offer you stability..why settle for a guy that cant?

 

Ya he might be a great guy who you mesh well with but I dont know that a brand new, unexclusive relationship can survive 1 year of him being away. I dont think thats realistic at all

 

If you guys had been together a several months or longer than I'd say def wait for him but this early on??? Nope

 

I'm sorry things worked out this way, but at least you met a good guy for once! Progress!!

[selinaluv]

Ohh I'm sorry girl It must suck to meet someone great only for this to happen

 

Think of the big picture though...theres plenty of guys out there that are willing to offer you stability..why settle for a guy that cant?

 

Ya he might be a great guy who you mesh well with but I dont know that a brand new, unexclusive relationship can survive 1 year of him being away. I dont think thats realistic at all

 

If you guys had been together a several months or longer than I'd say def wait for him but this early on??? Nope

 

I'm sorry things worked out this way, but at least you met a good guy for once! Progress!!

 

Thank you, this really made me smile.

 

It is true that I am happy to meet someone who is putting in effort and also someone I connect with. It's funny cause we matched on both Tinder and POF within an hour. We were clearly meant to meet.

 

Yesterday he got caught up dealing with family and court issues he needs to tie up before he leaves and called me as soon as he was available to apologize and discuss.

 

I know he has A LOT on his plate and it was me telling him so. And yet, he says he doesn't want to let me go. And I don't think he will for the time he is here, but the proof will be when he leaves.

 

He texted me this morning on his way home and I am going to take this day by day. We will see how this plays out and I won't cut him off. But I am also still looking and won't be putting myself completely off the market.

 

Someone else started pursuing me yesterday and he is a friend of a friend. I am not sure he is the most stable person either, but at least I am keeping options open. But it is hard when you are thinking about the other guy. I know he would be hurt at the moment if I cut him out and I don't want to do that.

[Dis]

Thank you, this really made me smile.

 

It is true that I am happy to meet someone who is putting in effort and also someone I connect with. It's funny cause we matched on both Tinder and POF within an hour. We were clearly meant to meet.

 

Yesterday he got caught up dealing with family and court issues he needs to tie up before he leaves and called me as soon as he was available to apologize and discuss.

 

I know he has A LOT on his plate and it was me telling him so. And yet, he says he doesn't want to let me go. And I don't think he will for the time he is here, but the proof will be when he leaves.

 

He texted me this morning on his way home and I am going to take this day by day. We will see how this plays out and I won't cut him off. But I am also still looking and won't be putting myself completely off the market.

 

Someone else started pursuing me yesterday and he is a friend of a friend. I am not sure he is the most stable person either, but at least I am keeping options open. But it is hard when you are thinking about the other guy. I know he would be hurt at the moment if I cut him out and I don't want to do that.

 

I have a one track mind too, its hard to look elsewhere when you're focused on someone else...I personally think thats a good thing

 

I think he's keeping you on the hook because he wants someone to fill that empty space until he leaves. He cant possibly want to know if he'd want to be with you a year from now after going on what, 4 dates?

 

I dont think he's a bad guy at all I just think he's very emotionally driven and isnt being realistic. I've been guilty of doing that in the past

 

Its up to you whether you want to keep the door open with him

 

I'm really focused on the future so if I know I cant have a future with someone...I cut it off right there so I wont be more hurt later on....but thats just me

 

I think you kind of got caught up with this guy because he's the first nice guy (who you click with) that you've dated in awhile. I think once you get some space from him you'll see that you deserve and are perfectly capable of finding a stable/present guy to be in your life for the long haul

 

I know this is super disappointing and I totally understand where you're coming from. But this is a step in the right direction. Right now you're dating a nice guy who might not be meant to be in your life long term....maybe next you'll date a nice guy who is

 

Keep your chin up girly Xoxo

[selinaluv]

I have a one track mind too, its hard to look elsewhere when you're focused on someone else...I personally think thats a good thing

 

I think he's keeping you on the hook because he wants someone to fill that empty space until he leaves. He cant possibly want to know if he'd want to be with you a year from now after going on what, 4 dates?

 

I dont think he's a bad guy at all I just think he's very emotionally driven and isnt being realistic. I've been guilty of doing that in the past

 

Its up to you whether you want to keep the door open with him

 

I'm really focused on the future so if I know I cant have a future with someone...I cut it off right there so I wont be more hurt later on....but thats just me

 

I think you kind of got caught up with this guy because he's the first nice guy (who you click with) that you've dated in awhile. I think once you get some space from him you'll see that you deserve and are perfectly capable of finding a stable/present guy to be in your life for the long haul

 

I know this is super disappointing and I totally understand where you're coming from. But this is a step in the right direction. Right now you're dating a nice guy who might not be meant to be in your life long term....maybe next you'll date a nice guy who is

 

Keep your chin up girly Xoxo

 

Yes this all makes sense. He is definitely a very sweet guy, so it makes it hard for all of us to be realistic. I think the problem was we both set out with the expectations that we could be in this for a relationship and see the potential. Then life got in the way. We both need to see the bigger picture and it may take some distance to do that.

 

You are right that I deserve someone, but I have been doing the online thing for a while and it really can be like finding a needle in a haystack. It will be hard for me to let this one go and get back into it. Makes it harder when it is clear we both want to talk every day.

 

But I will let him take the lead and see where this goes. It isn't so much about being together a year from now, but not necessarily closing the door quite yet.

 

I will say that it is funny cause this is the story that happened to my parents. They met and three weeks later my dad got drafted into the army during the Vietnam war. He pretty much told her he had love for her (crazy I know), he wanted to keep seeing her, and then he left almost immediately. They kept in touch through letters and have been married for more than 45 years.

 

Not saying that is the case here, but sometimes I think in this day and age of fast dating people are so quick to turn others away because they want "convenience". I know I am guilty of that. But I often wonder what is missed because of this.

 

I have been married and divorced and pretty much looking these days for someone to connect with. I don't know if I want to get married again and it really is about friendship and intimacy with me. So I am in no rush and willing to see it out a little bit more to ensure to myself that I have not acted too soon and regret something later. I don't want to burn a bridge, but will also keep my options open with others.

Edited April 13, 2017 by selinaluv

[Popsicle]

Do it! Yes, it will be worth it!

[selinaluv]

Do it! Yes, it will be worth it!

 

Well that is a vote of confidence! I hope?

[Popsicle]

Well that is a vote of confidence! I hope?

 

Yes, it is!

[Dis]

Yes this all makes sense. He is definitely a very sweet guy, so it makes it hard for all of us to be realistic. I think the problem was we both set out with the expectations that we could be in this for a relationship and see the potential. Then life got in the way. We both need to see the bigger picture and it may take some distance to do that.

 

You are right that I deserve someone, but I have been doing the online thing for a while and it really can be like finding a needle in a haystack. It will be hard for me to let this one go and get back into it. Makes it harder when it is clear we both want to talk every day.

 

But I will let him take the lead and see where this goes. It isn't so much about being together a year from now, but not necessarily closing the door quite yet.

 

I will say that it is funny cause this is the story that happened to my parents. They met and three weeks later my dad got drafted into the army during the Vietnam war. He pretty much told her he had love for her (crazy I know), he wanted to keep seeing her, and then he left almost immediately. They kept in touch through letters and have been married for more than 45 years.

 

Not saying that is the case here, but sometimes I think in this day and age of fast dating people are so quick to turn others away because they want "convenience". I know I am guilty of that. But I often wonder what is missed because of this.

 

I have been married and divorced and pretty much looking these days for someone to connect with. I don't know if I want to get married again and it really is about friendship and intimacy with me. So I am in no rush and willing to see it out a little bit more to ensure to myself that I have not acted too soon and regret something later. I don't want to burn a bridge, but will also keep my options open with others.

 

Do what feels right for YOU

 

Trust your gut

 

I was just throw a little bit of a curve ball.....so its back to the drawing board. I dont blame you for not wanting to go through that hassle. In my case I'm relieved it didnt work out so I'm happy to get back in the saddle....but I think your case is different....you see a long term potentional so its hard to let go

 

You're a smart woman. I think you'll do the right thing

 

Keep us updated girl Xoxo

[selinaluv]

Do what feels right for YOU

 

Trust your gut

 

I was just throw a little bit of a curve ball.....so its back to the drawing board. I dont blame you for not wanting to go through that hassle. In my case I'm relieved it didnt work out so I'm happy to get back in the saddle....but I think your case is different....you see a long term potentional so its hard to let go

 

You're a smart woman. I think you'll do the right thing

 

Keep us updated girl Xoxo

 

Thank you. I will listen to my gut. Right now it is kind of neutral.

 

He has pulled back slightly (which is to be expected) and in the mountains with his kids and family this weekend.

 

He sent me a text Thursday night telling my his deployment was pushed back and he will tell me more later. I do want to hear more.

 

I do like him but he just has so much going on. I am keeping options open with others and considering a date with another.

 

It is all to protect myself cause he is so unpredictable. I have no doubt he likes me for something further, but I just have no idea what that means to him and I'm not sure he does either.

 

And I am right with you. If it becomes too much of a hassle, I am usually out.

[Emilia]

Thank you. I will listen to my gut. Right now it is kind of neutral.

 

He has pulled back slightly (which is to be expected) and in the mountains with his kids and family this weekend.

 

He sent me a text Thursday night telling my his deployment was pushed back and he will tell me more later. I do want to hear more.

 

I do like him but he just has so much going on. I am keeping options open with others and considering a date with another.

 

It is all to protect myself cause he is so unpredictable. I have no doubt he likes me for something further, but I just have no idea what that means to him and I'm not sure he does either.

 

And I am right with you. If it becomes too much of a hassle, I am usually out.

 

It will not get more predictable because he is used to living like this. I don't even know whether he would be able to adjust to something more stable if he left the military tomorrow. The expectation would be on him then to be around and be reliable and turn up when he says he is going to, etc etc

 

If you like a man being around, being there for you, available then this man is not for you.

 

It's not fun when you pop out for a pint of milk and he is gone by the time you get back in the house. You will start wondering whether perhaps you give too much and not get anything in return.

 

Don't forget, living like this is his choice so you coming 2nd or 3rd or 4th (work, kids, etc) is his choice.

[selinaluv]

It will not get more predictable because he is used to living like this. I don't even know whether he would be able to adjust to something more stable if he left the military tomorrow. The expectation would be on him then to be around and be reliable and turn up when he says he is going to, etc etc

 

If you like a man being around, being there for you, available then this man is not for you.

 

It's not fun when you pop out for a pint of milk and he is gone by the time you get back in the house. You will start wondering whether perhaps you give too much and not get anything in return.

 

Don't forget, living like this is his choice so you coming 2nd or 3rd or 4th (work, kids, etc) is his choice.

 

This is all very good insight and it is how I am starting to feel.

 

Is it the nature of a career military man? I agree I am not sure he can be any other way. He is here and there and everywhere, committing to things and then not following through.

 

He has been like this from the beginning. He is attentive and has been great, but on his terms in a way. Saying he will call at a time and not doing so, but then calling when he is ready and available. Not a big deal, but seems to be becoming the norm.

 

Who knows... it has gotten tiresome. He is away with family, but I haven't heard from him for a day and a half after he teased the part about the deployment date being extended and he will tell me more.

 

Again not a big deal and I understand, but doing it on his terms and time when he was the one who brought it up in the first place.

 

I understand work, kids and family come first, but he is the one who kept pushing for me to be a part of it. Now it feels like I am being pushed to the back because he knows he may have me. But problem is I am losing momentum here and not caring much any more about what happens.

[selinaluv]

So after all this and me trying to put up and stick out with him to see how things proceed, it looks my military man may be ghosting.

 

I have not heard from him since last Thursday and I sent a text this morning to say hello... nothing.

 

I know I was unsure and he is probably doing me a favor, but I was hoping we could at least talk it out after he was the one pushing so much that he really liked me and wanted to keep getting to know me. I even gave him a couple outs and he persisted and then teased that his deployment date was being pushed out and he would tell me more. That is the last time I heard from him.

 

He said he was going to be with family over the weekend, but who even knows with what he does. That may or may not be the truth. Still slightly hurtful with someone who went from texting and calling multiple times a day to nothing.

 

I know this is all in some ways to be expected and some of his behavior was almost textbook with potentially ghosting. But I believed him when he said he wanted me in the picture.

 

I am not even so sad about him, but more of the "here I go again"... I thought he was different and turns out he wasn't.

 

In the end, he understandably has a lot on his plate. But considering all the bs he dragged me into to discuss all this and keep me in the mix, you think he would at least have the decency to tell me that it won't work. I know the reason why, but still think I deserve at least a good bye, talk to you later.