lostgirl97 Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 My boyfriend of nearly 5 years broke-up with me a few weeks ago. We were fighting to much, about silly stuff - like him lying about talking to a girl he said he blocked, event though they weren't talking about or doing anything wrong, and me getting jealous over stupid things. We were best friends, too. We've lived together for long time (a few years), he's 21, I'm 20 (he moved in with my family cause he had no where else), and now we live together with roommates. He told me he still loves me, cares about me, and wants to be friends - but he doesn't want to be with me and wants to move on, & be single and probably sleep around. I'm willing to wait for him to experience what he needs to, and I want to tell him I'll wait but I don't want to seem pathetic/needy. It's complicated, we've had sex a few times since, fought a few times (I got pissed at him for chatting up girls only a week after the break-up - I know, my mistake). Lately he was acting mushy, cuddling me, kissed me on the forehead, acting all cute, singing songs and such around me, telling me to sleep in his bed. But then he would turn cold and be like - so, when are you moving all your stuff out, in case I have someone over? I sent him an email saying I wasn't going to stand for this I need to move on if he's not interested etc, & that I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. He flipped, sent angry snapchats, making fun of me saying he only let me sleep in their out of comfort, said that my email didn't even sound like me, etc I feel like he's unsure about his decision but I don't know for sure, I want to move on but I still love him, so if theirs any chance I'll wait for it if you guys think that he could be still interested. (I tried no contact once a week ago, he acted sweetly and said losing me all together would be like death to him - so very different reaction this time). I feel like this biggest problem was he felt like I was controlling him (he said this often). I want to make it work, but I don't want to embarrass myself and be rejected by him again. Should I continue no contact? I only just started today. Or should I ask to meet for lunch on Thursday to talk? What would I say?
Lilyana76 Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 You still live with him? Hard to go no contact if you are still living with him. Is moving back to your family an option? If I were you, I would take him at his word, he wants his freedom and to do what he wants and not be tied down in a relationship to you. I would go no contact, and stick with it! Start getting yourself out there and meeting new people. DO NOT MEET HIM FOR LUNCH... he knows he can have his cake and eat it too with you... he can tell you he doesn't want you anymore, and invite some random girls over, then the next day run back to you and tell you he misses you and wants you to sleep with him...and you'll do it. STOP Just STOP. You know you deserve better than this, and he knows he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Do you really want to be his second choice? His fallback?
Author lostgirl97 Posted April 11, 2017 Author Posted April 11, 2017 No... I don't. I was just thinking that by his behaviour maybe he was just confused about his feelings. He is being so weird. But I can't convince him to be with me. How will no contact help me here? I stay at my dad's some nights, sometimes at the house - I still have to pay rent so why would I not? I sleep in a friends room there though.
Author lostgirl97 Posted April 11, 2017 Author Posted April 11, 2017 I also don't know if I believe all this no contact rule - I read that it can be damaging and just separate you further because it's about manipulating the person into missing you. I don't want to mess this up.
jamili Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 I also don't know if I believe all this no contact rule - I read that it can be damaging and just separate you further because it's about manipulating the person into missing you. I don't want to mess this up. No Contact isnt about manipulation. Keeping in contact with an ex is an exercise is very poor boundaries and its very unhealthy and immature. No contact is simply being mature and doing the right thing.
Author lostgirl97 Posted April 11, 2017 Author Posted April 11, 2017 (edited) Thats what I don't understand - isn't it the opposite? Isn't it immature to assume that ignoring is the option? I mean clearly I shouldn't try and spark conversation, but cutting someone out of your life completely making them feel abandoned can't be right. This: [] This is what I'm referring to. I had completely decided on no-contact until I read this and now I feel conflicted, because I really trust the opinion here. Edited April 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator commercial link redacted ~6
Lilyana76 Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 If you constantly bring yourself into contact with this person, you are always reopening the wound and it will never heal. You will always be a victim, which in the end will be your fault for not walking away and moving on.
Zahara Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 (edited) Thats what I don't understand - isn't it the opposite? Isn't it immature to assume that ignoring is the option? I mean clearly I shouldn't try and spark conversation, but cutting someone out of your life completely making them feel abandoned can't be right. This: [] This is what I'm referring to. I had completely decided on no-contact until I read this and now I feel conflicted, because I really trust the opinion here. You're not ignoring him. You're just placing a boundary and keeping someone that treats you like crap and doesn't want to be with you at a distance. This so that you can accept the break-up and move-on/heal. Making him feel abandoned? HE has decided to leave you. And no, you don't wait for him to get it out of his system. It looks like he has emotionally checked out. I don't think he's going to go out there and get it out of his system and come back to you like nothing ever happened and resume a relationship. Edited April 11, 2017 by Zahara 1
Author lostgirl97 Posted April 11, 2017 Author Posted April 11, 2017 I don't feel like a victim, honestly I don't. I'm really tired of hearing cut him out of your life, forget it, move on, etc. I love this person, that hasn't changed. They love me. We hadn't spent (not purposely) even 24 hours apart since we were 15 - we were making a guest list for our wedding like 3-4 weeks ago. No one cheated, the fights were fickle and small. Yes, I'm hurting. I have no idea what he is feeling. I will give him space, but why would be so angry about it?
Zahara Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 I don't feel like a victim, honestly I don't. I'm really tired of hearing cut him out of your life, forget it, move on, etc. I love this person, that hasn't changed. They love me. We hadn't spent (not purposely) even 24 hours apart since we were 15 - we were making a guest list for our wedding like 3-4 weeks ago. No one cheated, the fights were fickle and small. Yes, I'm hurting. I have no idea what he is feeling. I will give him space, but why would be so angry about it? He's 21 and you are 20. Too young to be getting married. Yes, you have a long history together but chances of a young relationship standing the test of time is few and far between. It's run its course. It's natural that he wants to go out there and experience life. You need to let him go. And when someone is telling you that they want to move on, let them go. Love isn't enough. He's angry because he wants to keep you on the backburner. A crutch so that he can ping pong from other women and you -- sex, company and familiarity. He wants it all. Don't be a side piece. Focus on what he said -- he doesn't want to be with me and wants to move on, & be single and probably sleep around. That's all that matters. He's checked out. 1
Author lostgirl97 Posted April 11, 2017 Author Posted April 11, 2017 We weren't going to marry at that point, but the big "rumour" with all our friends, the he was being very obvious about, was the was going to propose on our 5 year anniversary (next month) and marry 2 years later. I want to let him go, but I didn't want it to be forever. I don't want to be a side piece either. I just can't stand losing my best friend, yea we were lovers and partners and all - but when my grandma go sick, when she died - he held me through every single night crying, when I was sick, he was there at the hospital to take me home. He always said if we broke up, he'd always want to get back together in the future, no longer how long after because he couldn't imagine anyone else. What if love could be enough? maybe? more than anything - despite everything - I just want to be there for him....
jamili Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 We weren't going to marry at that point, but the big "rumour" with all our friends, the he was being very obvious about, was the was going to propose on our 5 year anniversary (next month) and marry 2 years later. I want to let him go, but I didn't want it to be forever. I don't want to be a side piece either. I just can't stand losing my best friend, yea we were lovers and partners and all - but when my grandma go sick, when she died - he held me through every single night crying, when I was sick, he was there at the hospital to take me home. He always said if we broke up, he'd always want to get back together in the future, no longer how long after because he couldn't imagine anyone else. What if love could be enough? maybe? more than anything - despite everything - I just want to be there for him.... You are very young still and you have a lot to learn, and thats OK. People in this site arent trying to mislead you or hurt you, we are trying to help you. Maintaining contact with an ex is objectively unhealthy. I know walking away from someone you love is the hardest thing to do, but its the RIGHT thing to do. It was his decision, if you respect and love him, you will let him go. And let him go means no contact . Your not cutting him out of your life, he has cut YOU out of his life and now you are giving up all self respect and sacrificing your boundaries. What this is is codependency and its not healthy, you need to shake this mindset asap
Bromeo Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 If you constantly bring yourself into contact with this person, you are always reopening the wound and it will never heal. You will always be a victim, which in the end will be your fault for not walking away and moving on. This right here. Each time I chased my ex it hurt worse, and I didn't realize it. Then when I backed off, she would reel me back for more fun. This lasted months until I felt like I would burst, and went NC for good. You are hurting, and because of that the communities advice sounds blunt and uncaring. Let me assure you, as someone who hurt beyond measure for months, that the advice given is correct. Everyone here on your thread has been there, and cares. Back off of him, give him his space, let things cool down. Maybe in the future something will happen, but he has been clear with you, and now its time for you to heal, which will only happen through NC. 2
Zahara Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 I want to let him go, but I didn't want it to be forever. I don't want to be a side piece either. You don't have control of those things but only that he has ended it with you and you need to cut ties with him. Relationships end. It's a fact that we all have to live with. I just can't stand losing my best friend, yea we were lovers and partners and all - but when my grandma go sick, when she died - he held me through every single night crying, when I was sick, he was there at the hospital to take me home. I understand. It's hard when you've had history with someone. And it feels like you have a hole in your soul now that he is gone but it won't always be this way. Your denial is setting in and that's completely normal but try to come to grips that he is telling you he wants to move on. He always said if we broke up, he'd always want to get back together in the future, no longer how long after because he couldn't imagine anyone else. That is a very unrealistic statement to make. If someone does not want to be with you now, how do they know that they will want to be with you in the future? It's irrational and makes zero sense. It's a statement that one makes only to give the other hope for selfish reasons or in some cases, it's a cowardly move because they're avoiding telling you the truth. What if love could be enough? maybe? more than anything - despite everything - I just want to be there for him.... You are in denial. You're desperate. Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship especially when it's one sided. Hold on to your self-respect. Be there for yourself. He's off wanting to sleep with other women. I'm not trying to be harsh but to shake you into realizing that contact isn't going to hurt him but it's only going to hurt you. He's not as invested as you are anymore therefore, your need to cling for dear life is only going to keep you in a very bad place.
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