BetterLateThanNever Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Is it normal to just disappear after three months of dating? For a bit of background, I met him about 3 months ago online. We went on dates and hung out for the past three months, not too often but whenever we had time to do so. I wouldn't say that it was perfect or amazing, but there weren't any signs that he wanted to end it. So, about texting games... Sometimes he takes hours/days to respond to my text, sometimes right away, but he has never ignored any of my text before. He obviously initiated most of the texts in the beginning, but recently I felt comfortable enough to initiate too. I think he and I were initiating messages about the same amount of time. Then about 10 days ago, we were casually chatting and I said something like, "Oh, then what did you end up doing instead?" as a response to his text. Ever since then, he disappeared. My own rule in any conversation is that if it ends with a question, it needs to be answered, no matter how short/lame/obvious/stupid the question is. So I let it stand hanging there until he responds, but now I am fretting as it is getting up to nearly 10 days now. Does this mean that he is over and moved on? Should I move on or ask him if everything is ok? Ghosting is completely normal in online dating these days, but I've never seen it after dating a few months in. I've disappeared on guys too, but it was only when we never met in person. If it's after at least one legitimate date, I clearly tell them straight that it's not going to work out. It might be harsh, but I say it politely and I think it is much better than completely ignoring them. So I feel like I want to know and be treated as I treat other guys. I don't care about his reasons but I just want to know whether he wants to end it or not. Is this legitimate/rational way of thinking? Should I text him for his answer or treat his silence as a rejection already? I am so confused by this.
Miss Spider Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 (edited) Sorry this happened to you.I have heard it happening to my friends and on here months in..so it does happen. Ghosting even in months long rships. There are some callous people out there. Did you meet this guy online? Did you not see anything that constituted a red flag before all this? Were y'all not seeing other people? To confront or not to confront. That's an individual thing. But. I think we regret the things we don't do more than the things we do... He'll either keep ghosting, break it off(maybe give you explanation why) or *and this happens a lot* apologize and keep you on the back burner. Don't be there. If he's not returning your texts for 10 days he's either dead or no longer that interested. Edit: sorry u said you met him online Edited March 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
act00 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Yeah, I'd say he's not interested anymore, and at this point, don't bother writing him again. Let it go. Don't be surprised if he pops back in, in a week or month from now, or even further out. He probably met another girl, but he'll tell you things got crazy at work, family issues, etc. He'll want to go out again. Whether you decide to give it another try or not is up to you, but if you do, don't take him seriously, and by all means, continue to pursue other men. If he was into you, he would maintain communication, even if his life was crazy-busy. Don't expect anyone to follow your communication rules. It's courteous to respond to a question, but don't expect everyone to be on the same page, and don't expect everyone to follow your set of rules. If you were to develop a relationship (with any guy), then of course you can express that certain behaviors are important to you, but right now, you just can't. Ghosting is so much easier, and more the norm. Take the hint. Move on.
preraph Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 He's probably been dabbling online this whole time and got excited over some other poor girl. Sorry. Jeez. 1
ashy555 Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 I've had someone disappear on me at the 5 month mark. Boy it was awful. I had someone try to disappear at the 3 month mark. Even after discussing what we are after. Its not fun at all but is very common. Just shows a clear lack of respect on their behalf, so consider it a bullet dodged. Did you ever discuss what you were looking for with each other? 5
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Normally I would say no, but in this case he never was all in. It was pretty much inevitable that given tne neglect all along, he'd only get more neglectful. He has spent days not even returning a text (before this time, I mean). He already was pretty obviously one foot out the door. So I would say it is cruel, but not really unexpected given he has always been men about all this. I'm sorry. 1
ashy555 Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Oh yeah and if he does decide to message you, which he very well could. Don't bother replying. 10 days without a reply, he is not interested. He'll just be keeping you at arms length for convenience. Stand strong. Show him that you won't put up with that and move on. 1
BaileyB Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Sadly, I'd say that he has decided he is not interested. It's time to move on...
Poutrew Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 This thread brings up a memory.... A friend of mine was ghosted in much the same way as you. He thought the gal dumped him, until I saw her name come up in a local obituary. Car accident...and I was the one who got to tell him
curiouslysearching Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 He's probably been dabbling online this whole time and got excited over some other poor girl. Sorry. Jeez. this is terrible simply terrible 2
curiouslysearching Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Sorry this happened to you.I have heard it happening to my friends and on here months in..so it does happen. Ghosting even in months long rships. There are some callous people out there. Did you meet this guy online? Did you not see anything that constituted a red flag before all this? Were y'all not seeing other people? To confront or not to confront. That's an individual thing. But. I think we regret the things we don't do more than the things we do... He'll either keep ghosting, break it off(maybe give you explanation why) or *and this happens a lot* apologize and keep you on the back burner. Don't be there. If he's not returning your texts for 10 days he's either dead or no longer that interested. Edit: sorry u said you met him online what do you mean by using the term "ghosting"??? but I do agree
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 This thread brings up a memory.... A friend of mine was ghosted in much the same way as you. He thought the gal dumped him, until I saw her name come up in a local obituary. Car accident...and I was the one who got to tell him Yes, and this is what the rejected, cruelly and thoughtlessly neglected person will tend to think: "But what if something HAPPENED to him?" I'm sure such a thing can happen, yes. The OP's boyfriend could have met with a tragic Craigslist stalker accident or succumbed to Immediate Onset Unconsciousness Fatal Leukemia (IOUFL) in which symptoms begin just eleven seconds before death ensues, hence making it impossible for the woozy victim to reach his cell phone in time to text his SO to say "I just wanted to let you know...we won't be going out anymore because I just found out I'm dying." It could happen. But I have to think sudden tragedy is in the overwhelming minority of thoughtless-ghosting cases (I repeat. OVERWHELMING minority), particularly those that have involved an already neglectful, thoughtless, "meh" partner. I suppose the OP could check the obituaries. Just in case. I really don't think she's going to find him. Call it a hunch. OP, wipe this stain off your bottom and kiss him good-bye. You're on to bigger and better things. And next time, don't invest your heart in a person who literally waits days (days????) to respond to a simple text, yet claims to care. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 what do you mean by using the term "ghosting"??? but I do agree Just disappearing...like a ghost 1
Author BetterLateThanNever Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 Did you meet this guy online? Did you not see anything that constituted a red flag before all this? Were y'all not seeing other people? No I didn't really see any major red flags. The last time we hung out was probably the best, so I thought it was actually picking up its momentum. Maybe he got scared of it. Ah, this sucks.
curiouslysearching Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Just disappearing...like a ghost leaving no dough? and taking his cookies with him? perish the thought 1
Author BetterLateThanNever Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 I've had someone disappear on me at the 5 month mark. Boy it was awful. I had someone try to disappear at the 3 month mark. Even after discussing what we are after. Its not fun at all but is very common. Just shows a clear lack of respect on their behalf, so consider it a bullet dodged. Did you ever discuss what you were looking for with each other? We sort of did, casually saying that how we are looking for something more serious at this point of our lives as people of our age are getting married and having kids. And talked about being exclusive but it wasn't much serious. So none of this talk was really set in stone. I should have made sure on these... Well, I guess it's too late
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 No I didn't really see any major red flags. The last time we hung out was probably the best, so I thought it was actually picking up its momentum. Maybe he got scared of it. Ah, this sucks. But you did have red flags. You said it took him hours or even days to return texts and that you didn't see each other very much. 2
dumbass2 Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 The question is this. Let's say he finally sends you a reply in a few more days. Unless the excuse is that he was in the hospital during that time or a close family member passed away, do you really find his actions acceptable? Because if he was to contact you again with a less than credible excuse and you decided to reply and try to continue dating, you've just lowered your self worth and he'll probably do it again. I find ghosting/ignoring to be totally unacceptable unless it's an excuse as I mentioned. It is one of the worst things that you can do to a romantic partner or even a friend. It should tell you all you need to know about that person and I would hope you would not want someone like that in your life. 5
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 The question is this. Let's say he finally sends you a reply in a few more days. Unless the excuse is that he was in the hospital during that time or a close family member passed away, do you really find his actions acceptable? Because if he was to contact you again with a less than credible excuse and you decided to reply and try to continue dating, you've just lowered your self worth and he'll probably do it again. I find ghosting/ignoring to be totally unacceptable unless it's an excuse as I mentioned. It is one of the worst things that you can do to a romantic partner or even a friend. It should tell you all you need to know about that person and I would hope you would not want someone like that in your life. To me, even these "excuses" wouldn't be acceptable. Not in this day and age when a text literally takes three seconds. In hospital for 10 days...what, unconscious? If not, you'd KNOW the person you were supposed to care about was frantic, wondering if you were dead or something. Deceased relative? Again. You can't send one text? Guaranteed during that time you're texting like mad. Making arrangements, accepting condolences, ordering flowers, all sorts of stuff. You couldn't spare five seconds to keep your supposed beloved from literally thinking maybe you met with a fatal accident, or maybe you just suddenly hated her? Not five seconds? Unacceptable. There IS no acceptable excuse for this sort of thing. After a couple dates...fine. After three months? Not fine. Go and don't let the door hit ya. With that said, I said before and I do believe there were plenty of red flags. The OP shouldn't be surprised. BUT allow him back into her good graces? For what? Next time, will it go a whole month? Who wants that sort of roller coaster? What is the OP getting out of it? This guy keeps pushing the boundaries, then checking back in casually. NO. OP, you are not a button to push when this guy needs something (sex, I'm guessing? Or just to kill some time between whatever it is he's doing for these long periods without you?). You're a person. Insist on being treated like one and if not, toss that person out the door. 6
Author BetterLateThanNever Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 The question is this. Let's say he finally sends you a reply in a few more days. Unless the excuse is that he was in the hospital during that time or a close family member passed away, do you really find his actions acceptable? Because if he was to contact you again with a less than credible excuse and you decided to reply and try to continue dating, you've just lowered your self worth and he'll probably do it again. I find ghosting/ignoring to be totally unacceptable unless it's an excuse as I mentioned. It is one of the worst things that you can do to a romantic partner or even a friend. It should tell you all you need to know about that person and I would hope you would not want someone like that in your life. THANK YOU. I think I needed to hear this.
anzhoulau Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 The question is this. Let's say he finally sends you a reply in a few more days. Unless the excuse is that he was in the hospital during that time or a close family member passed away, do you really find his actions acceptable? Because if he was to contact you again with a less than credible excuse and you decided to reply and try to continue dating, you've just lowered your self worth and he'll probably do it again. I find ghosting/ignoring to be totally unacceptable unless it's an excuse as I mentioned. It is one of the worst things that you can do to a romantic partner or even a friend. It should tell you all you need to know about that person and I would hope you would not want someone like that in your life. Well, unless he's dead or lost his arms in an accident, I don't see any excuse to not reply in 10 days. Even a close family member passes away, he always got 15 seconds to send a message if he really cares about the girl. No man would leave his cared one for 10 days without a simple message. To OP: he's not interested, don't make any excuse for him even he comes back to you later. Move on and find a guy who cares about your feelings. 4
Miss Spider Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Why not pick up the phone and CALL him? Like a real LIVE voice and phone call... Or drive over to his house and have a real talk? Why not? Drive over to the dude's house uninvited? You srs?
coolheadal Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 (edited) Is it normal to just disappear after three months of dating? For a bit of background, I met him about 3 months ago online. We went on dates and hung out for the past three months, not too often but whenever we had time to do so. I wouldn't say that it was perfect or amazing, but there weren't any signs that he wanted to end it. So, about texting games... Sometimes he takes hours/days to respond to my text, sometimes right away, but he has never ignored any of my text before. He obviously initiated most of the texts in the beginning, but recently I felt comfortable enough to initiate too. I think he and I were initiating messages about the same amount of time. Then about 10 days ago, we were casually chatting and I said something like, "Oh, then what did you end up doing instead?" as a response to his text. Ever since then, he disappeared. My own rule in any conversation is that if it ends with a question, it needs to be answered, no matter how short/lame/obvious/stupid the question is. So I let it stand hanging there until he responds, but now I am fretting as it is getting up to nearly 10 days now. Does this mean that he is over and moved on? Should I move on or ask him if everything is ok? Ghosting is completely normal in online dating these days, but I've never seen it after dating a few months in. I've disappeared on guys too, but it was only when we never met in person. If it's after at least one legitimate date, I clearly tell them straight that it's not going to work out. It might be harsh, but I say it politely and I think it is much better than completely ignoring them. So I feel like I want to know and be treated as I treat other guys. I don't care about his reasons but I just want to know whether he wants to end it or not. Is this legitimate/rational way of thinking? Should I text him for his answer or treat his silence as a rejection already? I am so confused by this. Well you know the game play online when it comes to dating.. But you have been played by him. You have allowed this to happen. You got caught-up in his charm, wit, cleverness. You have let your guard down. Pretty boy has smiled and winked at you hasn't he? You fell for it. While texting you he has been texting other women while you waste your time waiting on him to reply back. So now he has dealt his last text to you. Why do you put yourself though all of this you can have any guy you want and this guy really doesn't give a dam about you. If he did he wouldn't have just vanished on you. To much teasing, flirting and etc today no one really knows what to make of it. But rest assure this player knows his game. Now you must step-up your game as well. No text quick means he's texting others. Don't fall for these games you can do better than him. Now get out there and look for someone who appreciates you for you and not the other way around. No one really cares about you but yourself does. Until the right guy comes along that wants to talk to you as much as you want to talk them. That's all you can do now! Edited March 16, 2017 by coolheadal 2
ercolgemi Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Don't text him back. I have been through this exact thing two weeks ago, and it hurt like a mother!@#$%&. Mine was just 1 month of dating, but still. We were always having a great time on dates, and though she said she wanted to keep seeing me, she never wanted to agree to a time & place for our next date. We ended up seeing each other very rarely. She started sending messages less and less frequently, always with crazier excuses (though I do believe most of what she was saying happened; she still had time for a million other things in between, by her own admission), until she just disappeared. I wrote her back three times, no answer. It's been almost 2 weeks. These people are not worth wasting your time on. Life is short. Move on and find someone better!
BikerAccnt Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Just disappearing...like a ghost Yeah, back in my day, before the internet...oh gawd..we used to call it "the fade"...same thing though. However pre-internet days when the only way to contact someone was by phone or driving over there...fading happened a bit less frequently, or so it seemed. Maybe because it was so easy to tell if someone was ditching you, if they didn't answer their phone. In this case, I'm sorry it's happening to you, especially mid conversation. That is exceptionally odd/thoughtless. 3
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