Do I reply????

[Jamespete]

So this is my first time at doing this sort of thing so apologies if it ends up a mess!

So I have been seeing my GF for 5/6 months but last week she ended it saying she'd had enough. Basically we get on brilliantly 90% of the time however we have these moments where we fight, whether it's about not replying to a text or taking something that's said the wrong way.

Over time this has caused me to begin to question her. She said it my questioning and 'paranoia' that have driven her away. I know I asked to many question or said stupid things-for example we went away for a week and I jokingly said she only wanted me to go so I could help with the kids..she took this the wrong way and blew up. However the comment was made as a joke. When she does stuff like that it's ok but a different story if I do it.

Since we met I have done a lot for her, helped her out financially, bought her gifts, basically been there for her whenever she wanted.

Now I know I suffer from anxiety and worry about stuff I shouldn't. I trust her but get worried she spends all her time on Facebook. I say I love her and miss her but do t get that back. She says she's does too but just isn't as affectionate as me so doesn't say it. I get everyone is different but I say just now and then it would be nice to be told. She says I always looked for a problem when there wasn't one and that my constant questioning has taken its toll.

She also said I need to get other stuff in my life so I'm not 'lost' when we didn't see eachother. Again I know you can't spend 24 hours a day with someone but we both fell into that trap.

She said that she's decided that it just won't ever change and that we clash. Although 2 weeks ago she was on about moving in and children. I'm felt like I was getting pulled in all directions hence the questions about the relationship and her feelings.

It was left as it's over, she doesn't want to be with anyone but she cares for me. She said she can't promise anything but I need to leave her alone get better and then 'maybe' we can see about meeting up.

I'm guessing she is letting me down gentley and hopes I get the message but I'm struggling with out her. I haven't messaged or been on touch like she asked but she has blocked me and unfriended me on FB.

Do I sit it out for a week or so before getting o. Touch or do I just accept that I pushed her away and she's just hoping I get the message?

I think about her all the time. We were best friends and did so much together that it actually feels like a death. I'm down and maybe a little depressed but o know I can fix the problems if she only gave me a chance. What can I do? I have no one to talk to about it and am suffering in silence. I miss her so much but fear she's over it and already moving on

 

James

[FoundLove]

Hi James,

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so much... As far as advise go, I would give her some space and not contact her. I know that's very difficult to do, but it will give both her and you time to come to terms with it all.

 

The more you beg and plead, the further you will drive her away, so keep your distance for a while. Maybe she'll reach out to you, who knows? And if she doesn't, then it is time for you to move on and find someone who will be a better fit for you, someone who will reciprocate the love you have for her by telling you she loves and misses you too. This woman obviously didn't give you the affection you needed from her.

 

Good luck!

[Maldives]

Hi James,

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so much... As far as advise go, I would give her some space and not contact her. I know that's very difficult to do, but it will give both her and you time to come to terms with it all.

 

The more you beg and plead, the further you will drive her away, so keep your distance for a while. Maybe she'll reach out to you, who knows? And if she doesn't, then it is time for you to move on and find someone who will be a better fit for you, someone who will reciprocate the love you have for her by telling you she loves and misses you too. This woman obviously didn't give you the affection you needed from her.

 

Good luck!

 

I agree wth the above

[Jamespete]

Thanks guys. It really is a difficult time for me as basically my whole live has evolved around her. I was used to the routine, of getting messages during the day etc. The silence is deafening. I know she's not feeling the pain I am and that makes it harder but I read about the NC rule and maybe that's best. Although out of habit I did text her earlier to say o could feed the horses as she's at work. I know I shouldn't have done but I just could help it. I'm the master of my own downfall.

[Jamespete]

My constant insecurity and questions about the relationship e.g-are you happy/do you miss me/how serious are you have pushed my GF away.

 

As as it stands I've been told to 'go away and get yourself better', to give her space and to not keep texting her as that makes it worse. She said the relationship is over and that even if I do sort myself out she can't promise anything. She said about being friends in the future but can't promise anything else.

 

This has been boiling up for a while but I still couldn't stop myself from asking stuff I shouldn't. Eventually I pushed her away but I live in the hope that I can prove to her my anixety can improve with help and that we can get back on track.

 

I truely love this girl and before all this happened we talked about living together and kids. We have the same interests, like the same food but seem to clash. She says I'm insecure and don't trust her. My last relationship I was cheated on and lied to so I feel maybe I'm damaged from that. I don't want to lose her (although I'm guessing I already have)

 

The NC rule...is that good or bad. Friday she said I need to respect her and get better, give her space and 'maybe' we can talk in a week or so. Stupidly I text her this morning saying I could feed the horses as she was at work. Didn't get a reply so I sent another one saying I was sorry but I just miss her. I'm guessing I shouldn't have done that but I'm really struggling. She seems to be getting on with things and over it already. I've been blocked on FB and my friend said the pictures of me and her are no longer her profile:background pics. Memener of her family have also unfriended me. I'm not a huge fan of FB but I'm seeing this as a sign it's done.

 

If I do as I've said get help sort myself out and get back I touch will she answer or is this just her way of letting me go gently and hoping I get the message?

 

She says that she can't cope with the constant questions but I don't know how to stop. Do I need help? I'm not depressed but do feel very down. I miss her so much I worry that I'll never see her again.

 

Anyone out there....what shall I do. I'm very confused as to whether she offered a olive branch or was just saying what I wanted to hear. Help!!

 

J

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you need help. Your anxiety is so bad you suffocated the life out of the relationship and you need better coping mechanisms for when you feel insecure.

 

The signs are all there that this is over for good, I'm afraid. That constant badgering from you killed the attraction, and she has been firm in telling you to back off. Stop texting her, don't offer to do things for her. Don't worry about losing her, because she's already gone, my friend.

 

Focus on yourself now, and get the help you need to manage your anxiety. It's not fair to project that all on to a partner and now you're seeing how toxic it is. Anything is possible, but I don't think she's coming back. Do this instead for you and the health of future relationships.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what has happened and that you are hurting. Break-ups are incredibly painful, no doubt about it.

 

She has told you she can't cope with your questions. The question is, were you over the top on this or was she just not as interested as you? If you are not as interested as the other person, then any attempt by them to 'claim' you by asking questions, asking about your happiness, commitment, can seem oppressive. It is hard to know whether she was just less interested - in which case in the long run you are better off without her - or if you were over the top and pushed her away.

 

I think it would help you to see a counsellor or therapist to try to figure out what was going on. All sorts of things can happen in a relationship. You can get one partner who needs reassurance every so often and another who never gives it. You can get both people pretty evenly matched on that front. You can get other couples where both are very needy. The point is, it depends on whether you are evenly matched and equally interested.

 

I can't imagine that if I was madly in love with a guy that it would bother me if he checked in with me regularly and wanted to make sure I was happy. But, if he checked in on me and quizzed me as to who else I might be talking to or where I was, what I was doing, that would seem controlling. There is a difference between care and connection and control. You'd need to think how both people were acting in this situation. It could be that your girlfriend was less interested, less connective than you and that you were not well matched.

[Jamespete]

Yes, you need help. Your anxiety is so bad you suffocated the life out of the relationship and you need better coping mechanisms for when you feel insecure.

 

The signs are all there that this is over for good, I'm afraid. That constant badgering from you killed the attraction, and she has been firm in telling you to back off. Stop texting her, don't offer to do things for her. Don't worry about losing her, because she's already gone, my friend.

 

Focus on yourself now, and get the help you need to manage your anxiety. It's not fair to project that all on to a partner and now you're seeing how toxic it is. Anything is possible, but I don't think she's coming back. Do this instead for you and the health of future relationships.

 

 

I kinda knew that but sometimes you need to hear it from someone who is neutral. I hate that I ruined what we had because when it was good it was perfect. She appears to have moved on already which hurts too as I thought she cared more. My trouble is I get lonely. Live on my own and my friends are spread far and wide. Evenings when I would have been with her are now spent wondering what she's doing etc. Hopefully in time I'll be ok but right now I'm clutching at straws hoping for something that isn't going to happen

[jamili]

I kinda knew that but sometimes you need to hear it from someone who is neutral. I hate that I ruined what we had because when it was good it was perfect. She appears to have moved on already which hurts too as I thought she cared more. My trouble is I get lonely. Live on my own and my friends are spread far and wide. Evenings when I would have been with her are now spent wondering what she's doing etc. Hopefully in time I'll be ok but right now I'm clutching at straws hoping for something that isn't going to happen

 

This is a sad story, im sorry. This really sucks.

 

The Insta-moving on thing is pretty standard with female dumpers, but you have you understand sometimes that is a defense mechanism. They flip a switch to protect their emotions, but if they truly loved you, many months from now, if you stay AWAY, she will revist this all and finally will feel her emotions.

 

At this point, the breakup is fresh. You annoyed her to the point where im sure shes just glad to be rid of you (being blunt with you here). Shes probably releived. She thinks you insecure, needy and pathetic. She expects you to keep contacting her because she has lost all respect for you and thinks very lowly of you at this point. Women are truly attracted to confident and secure man, so if you start showing insecurity it will kill it for them FAST (as you found out).

 

But, i disagree with the above poster that its donezo for good. Now is your chance your chance to turn things around. Here is what you have to do. Go NC immediately. Never, EVER text or call her again. Do you understand? Never!!! Block her on social media right back too. Disappear. No more questions about feeding the horses, nothing. Each time you reach out to her, even if its just "hey you left your sock here", it will REPULSE her and push her farther away. Sounds extreme but im not kidding. When dumpers are in this mindset where they are trying to escape tou because your neediness has suffocated them, literally anything you so will disgust them and validate their reason for leaving you.

 

So stay NC. Read the sticky on this site for more info on No Contact if you havent already. Read Altair's recent post on the stages of a break up too. During NC you have to do your best to move and and forget about her (very very difficult but you have to do your best).

 

I think after many months, and in this case i mean MANY months, she might start to wonder about you. She wholeheartedly expects you to keep contacting her like a needy pathetic loser. Show her you arent by just disAppearing. It will be extra shocking to her because she thinks so lowly of you now. In 6-12 months i wouldn't be surprised if she contacts YOU, as by that time the negative feelings about you will have faded, and she will start to think about the good times, and maybe even start to miss you.

 

At that time, she might send breadcrumbs. You should probably ignore those too. You did a lot of damage here im not going to lie, so it will take a lot of TIME and distance to do damage control. And it will take you ignoring her and moving on asap for her to second guess herself. For you to change her highly tainted opinion of you, you will have to appear freakishly detached to counter it.

 

In the meantime you need to work on your insecurity. Men and women both find the behavior unattractive and if she did come back someday, trust me she will be sniffing that out given your known propensity. So you will have to have REALLY changed. Same with other future girlfriends. The trick is to be happy and comfortable enough with yourself that you feel relaxed and confident in relationships. You know you will be OK no matter what because all you need is you. Its really something you will need to work hard on and it wont change overnight. Being single for a good long while will help, you need to learn to be perfectly happy snd complete alone, before you can be in a relationship, or it will just fail again for the same reasons.

 

P.S.: I live alone too and i moved across the country, leaving all my friends and family beind. When i met my ex, she became my best friend and when we broke up i became very lonely. When you are totally alone in a location far away from friends and family, its easy to become dependent on your partner and grow too close to them. Truth is if you dont have a life outside of the relationship, the relationship will fail. During this time you need to actively work on making friends and social connections. Your lonliness attributed to your neediness and insecurity, and i can relate to that because i know the feeling, trust me. You will find once you build a social circle of your own, outside of your girlfriend, the relationship will be much healthier and she will have much more respect for you. So #1 goal should be getting over her and making lots more friends and expanding your social circle and your hobbies/activities. You will be less lonely and it will naturally make you less needy in relationships.

Edited April 9, 2017 by jamili

[Jamespete]

Thank you so much for the reply. We actually messaged yesterday but her stance was the same...she said I was controlling and was enjoying not worrying about doing or saying the wrong thing. I thought this was a bit uncalled for (I don't agree I was ever controlling) but i didn't bite back. I just said I knew I had made mistakes that I was sorry and that I was trying to sort my head out. I told her I missed her and would like to get better and maybe in a few weeks meet up as friends.

I made the mistake of saying that even if there was 1% chance I'd be willing to try but she kept saying she can't promise anything and that at the moment she just wants to concentrate on being a good mum and to get myself better, start eating and she'll see.

 

Part of me thinks she's just letting me down gently another part thinks ok in a few weeks call her and see although I don't want false hope. It's a horrible feeling

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you're shooting yourself right in the foot. You're showing her you haven't changed a bit by continuing to ask the same questions and seek reassurance.

 

Desperation is very unattractive. I know you're hurt, OP, but you have to stop this. The more you push, the more certain you will make her that she made the right choice in ending it.

 

As a woman myself, I do think she's trying to be gentle with you while feeling deep-down that she won't be back. I once said similar things to an ex who would not stop asking if we could ever be a couple again. Look, she can't predict the future so she cannot possibly tell you if she will have a change of heart either. But as of now, she does not want this relationship. That's all you can go on.

 

Do not call in a few weeks. Do not try to meet up "as friends." (We all know that's not what you really want, you are still in love with her.) Disappear from her life. You need to give yourself time to heal, and if there's even the slightest chance of reconciliation, it will only come after you show her you respect her decision to end the relationship. No, she might not come back at all. But if she doesn't, then she was never going to.

 

Work on filling in the gaps in your life. I live abroad and my first breakup here was rough too, with no close friends or family even on my continent. But I learned from it. I learned how to cultivate my own life and depend on myself for emotional happiness. Now is the time for you to do the same.

[PegNosePete]

Part of me thinks she's just letting me down gently

Yes, she is letting you down gently. She has told you in no uncertain terms that it's over. You're just refusing to listen.

 

As to her moving on quickly, well chances are this isn't all that much of a sudden shock to her. Your smothering has been going on for a long time. She has been suffering it for a long time and her attraction for you has died long ago. Finally the straw that broke the camel's back has been placed and she split up with you, but for her the relationship was dead long ago. That is why it appears she has moved on quickly, whereas in fact she has been in the "moving on" phase for a long time, probably several months at least. Whereas for you it's all a shock and new and seems sudden.

 

Your constant badgering her now is only making her get more and more annoyed with you. You need to cut it out, else her patience will break and she'll say something that is painfully blunt. You don't need to hear that.

[Jamespete]

So I've posted a couple of other threads on he about my break up. It's been very hard and I'm struggling. It wasn't my decision and I want to get back together. I've been trying the NC rule for the last 2 days (not very long I know but we have to start somewhere)

She has told me that for its over and that I need to go away and sort myself out (I suffer from anxiety) which I have started doing. When we last spoke face to face she said she couldn't promise me anything but if I 'got better' who knows.

I asked if we left it a week or so and maybe we could meet up at the field where the horses are kept and just spend an hour or so there tidying up etc and just being friends, she said she'd think about it.

This morning I got a text 'hope your session went well yesterday, I've been thinking about this weekend and I think it's too soon to meet up as it will just confuse things. I'm going to spend some time at my sisters and get my hair done x'

 

So the question is...I kinda knew that I was going to get sent that text at some

point...I have a feeling she is letting me down gently. Do I respond to this text or just carry on my NC and wait and see if she gets in touch again? (I'd say a 50/50 chance of that happening)

 

Any advice??

 

Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

You're right, she's letting you down gently.

 

I don't think think there's any need to reply, honestly.

[Spring23]

So I've posted a couple of other threads on he about my break up. It's been very hard and I'm struggling. It wasn't my decision and I want to get back together. I've been trying the NC rule for the last 2 days (not very long I know but we have to start somewhere)

She has told me that for its over and that I need to go away and sort myself out (I suffer from anxiety) which I have started doing. When we last spoke face to face she said she couldn't promise me anything but if I 'got better' who knows.

I asked if we left it a week or so and maybe we could meet up at the field where the horses are kept and just spend an hour or so there tidying up etc and just being friends, she said she'd think about it.

This morning I got a text 'hope your session went well yesterday, I've been thinking about this weekend and I think it's too soon to meet up as it will just confuse things. I'm going to spend some time at my sisters and get my hair done x'

 

So the question is...I kinda knew that I was going to get sent that text at some

point...I have a feeling she is letting me down gently. Do I respond to this text or just carry on my NC and wait and see if she gets in touch again? (I'd say a 50/50 chance of that happening)

 

Any advice??

 

Thanks

 

You can respond and say "OK," or not respond at all. It really doesn't matter. She has broken up with you and she wants you to move on as it appears she already has.

 

Do yourself a big favor and go shopping for something new to wear and then go out with your friends and chat with other girls.

[whatnot]

There's probably a good chance you will hear from her again. But there's no chance you will be her boyfriend again.

[whatnot]

"When we last spoke face to face she said she couldn't promise me anything but if I 'got better' who knows".

 

It's not "letting you down gently" when you tell someone you might see them again if they ever "sort themselves out". (Those are the words of someone who takes no responsibility and is just making someone else feel bad about themselves).

 

The next time she brings this up (and she will)....the best thing you can do for yourself is to, as nicely and tactfully as you can....is to tell her...."You know, there's something I've been wanting to tell you, but I haven't known exactly how to. So....I guess the only way to say it is to just say it..."You mean a lot to me. And I care so much for you. So I hate to have to say this to you, but....'Go F' yourself".

 

If you are face to face...be looking her in the eye and smile, with compassion towards her as you say it. And mean it.

Edited April 11, 2017 by whatnot

[Tulipwood]

If you can do it, don't reply. In the long run you will be glad you didn't otherwise you will be stuck in limbo while your ex moves on.

[jamili]

I dont recommend whatnot's advice on this one. Wayyyy too bitter. There is no need to tell her to F off and it will only serve to reinforce her decision to dump her. If you are going to assert your boundaries, i advise that you do it in a more professional way.

 

I dont think you should go to the meeting though, and if you are going to respond at all, best to inquire as to what the meeting is about - and if it isnt about reconciliation (highly doubt it is), then respectfully and politely decline. Or just stay NC.

[whatnot]

I agree. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn". Brett should never have said that. Take the high road.

[Bromeo]

I dont recommend whatnot's advice on this one. Wayyyy too bitter. There is no need to tell her to F off and it will only serve to reinforce her decision to dump her. If you are going to assert your boundaries, i advise that you do it in a more professional way.

 

I dont think you should go to the meeting though, and if you are going to respond at all, best to inquire as to what the meeting is about - and if it isnt about reconciliation (highly doubt it is), then respectfully and politely decline. Or just stay NC.

 

In some cases, there absolutely is a need to tell a person off, especially if the ex played games, strung along, or caused related breakup trauma.

 

It depends on the individual dumpee, and how that person finds the closure they need. Its not for the dumper, or to cause pain to them. The relationship is over, and each person finds what they need to move on.

 

The issue is what the dumpee expects from the delineating of woes. In my case, for the first week or so I expected an apology, then I processed through that and was fine with nothing.

 

Jam, you and the others know my story. I told mine off after months of BS which I shouldn't have allowed. Partly my fault for allowing, mostly her fault for doing.

 

No cussing or swearing, and I was professional about it. Its what I needed to restore balance to my force.

 

Do what you need to, just be realistic about the outcome.

[magnesium]

She owes you nothing.

 

You owe her nothing...not even a response of any kind. The best emotional state to be in is one of indifference.

 

Don't let her use you to ease her guilt.

 

Learn to find closure W/O her, and move on.

 

What matters more, mind games from a dumper or your peace of mind?

 

Whats more important, her approval of you or your approval of yourself?

 

Do you really need someone outside of you to make you feel validated?

 

Do you value your affection of someone else more than your own self-worth?

 

Is she perfect? If not, what right has she to judge you?

 

Think about this.

[Altair0770]

When someone says, "in the future, who knows?" is saying there's a chance you could get back together, and there's a chance you won't be. And that chance of getting back together is the same as everyone else here who has been told that ship has sailed.

 

Go complete NC. As I said before, exes are like dogs. Once someone else pisses on their tree they get curious and want to know everything. She'll keep tabs on you no matter how hard you try to disappear if she even gives a damn. Focus on healing yourself. Don't worry about what she's doing, especially if you have an anxiety disorder. It'll only make it worse.

[jamili]

I agree. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn". Brett should never have said that. Take the high road.

 

Lol welllll.. now that line was both classy as **** AND it tells them off

 

 

I too got the "maybe in the future..." line from my ex during the breakup. Its a bunch of BS. I agree with Altair that breadcrumbs could totally be our exes just keeping tabs on us. If yours was anything like mine, shes nosy as hell and all these weird inquiries we get via breadcrumbs are just to ease their curiosity, and thus menaingless .

 

Assert your boundaries and/or keep NC. An ex contacting you after a breakup for anything other than reconciliation is NOT OK, its not healthy and its wayyy overstepping your boundaries.

Edited April 11, 2017 by jamili