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His ex still has feeling for him


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Posted

So I have been dating a guy for around 8 months. We are official exclusively dating. We call our thing is a relationship but not a committed one, there are no bf-gf titles here.

We went on a holiday, spending a lot time together and things are great. And he said he loves me. He cares about me and we discuss a lot about our relationship but he always says that putting a title for it is a bit too sudden for him now.

Sometimes he suddenly asked me some strange question such as : "Do you like me?" or "Are you happy with me?" and worry about if I get bored with him. We are about to adopt a cat soon. A cat was adopted under my name and gonna live with him.

 

Before me, he was in a 3 year relationship, they were in the same friend group. Also travelled together for more than a half year, moved in together for almost a year, and had strong connection with each other's family. They broke up more than a year ago, mostly because there wasn't romance anymore and some conflicts that they couldn't work them out. After a while, they started being friends again, he's like her emotional support or so. His ex kept traveling and was dating and lived with a guy in a year, after breaking up with that guy, now she's back. She with him and some friends are gonna open a new bar in town, so they have been seeing, meeting, talking to each other a lot. And as I said, they are in a same friend group since beginning and a lot of mutual friends, so now all the friends' meeting, she will show up, he will show up. Big group, small group, she's always there. I'm not gonna joining his life that way btw. We need a bit of personal space in our relationship. His friends know about me, I posted our stuff on fb, tagged him and he's ok with that (so it means he's not trying to hide me). Also She knows about us dating now and always be nice to me. But right before our holiday, she sent him a message, said something that she still kinda has feeling for him, that she tried to hide but after a while she was still only thinking about him. And she's renting an apartment, and looking for a housemate and asked him "if you want to try us again" then let her know.

 

I don't think that I have the right to question him about that because we are not bf-gf categories yet. But I talked to him about what I think about him and his ex remaining the friendship and he said he doesn't want to get back with her, it's too much for him, things between them are over.

Right after the holiday, we were browsing imgur on his phone together, her message came again, and she asked him if he want to grab some foods for lunch. He didn't say anything, read the message in front of me, but didn't reply right away. And when we met later in the evening, he said that he met her a bit in the afternoon.

 

It's scared me, and I don't feel safe about this situation. But I don't know that I should keep cool or keep nagging him about his ex hanging around?

Posted

If he loves you and really cares about you, I think you should talk to him about how do you feel when he keeps seeing his ex privately and being good friend with her. If he does care, he will understand and find a way to make you feel good.

It's hard to see they are working in a project together, you have to accept that they will have to see each other a lot especially if they are working in the same field. But being straightforward, talk to him. Tell him that you're ok if they work together (if you really feel that) but set the boundaries, no privately meeting, no talk about intimacy and so on. If he loves you and wants to keep you, he will have to work it out and find a way.

 

P.s : 8 months and still no official relationship? Have you ever tried to call him out as your boyfriend?

Posted

DO NOT bring a cat into this.

This is a casual "exclusive" relationship.

He does not even want to call you his gf, so stop trying to make this into something it isn't. A cat can live for 15-20 years, do you really think he will hang around that long with you?

YOU are trying to inject some permanency and seriousness, into what he probably sees as a temporary arrangement.

Miss Right now as opposed to Miss Right.

 

The ex hanging around is a huge problem for you and I guess why he doesn't want to label your "relationship".

 

YOU are accepting second best here, why are you doing that?

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Posted

It's hard to explain. He has been stuck with his career for a while now. Opening this bar and getting back to work recently only. He's always stressful and all over the place but still trying to make time for me. Once I asked him if he wants me to be his gf, he said that He wants me to be his gf, but not now, because he needs to focus to finish all the missions in his life and he's afraid that the relationship is gonna make him lose focus and he can't take all the responsibilities along with it. So it's the reason I'm still hanging around.

 

We got the cat btw. At first he's not sure about the cat cos he's always busy recently but then now he loves it and want to keep it with him. She has been running around when we were sleeping whole night yesterday.

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