When you feel you have no choice but to end it - a potential dumper's perspective

April 10, 2017

*Apologies in advance for the long post*

My relationship will likely be coming to an end soon. You can read some background info here, but in a nutshell:

- We were FWB for over a year on and off, have been officially together for just over 2 years and living together for just over a year

- We are very different people and have had recurring issues of compatibility (or lack thereof) since day 1.

- He smokes pot and drinks beers most nights and has a lack of motivation problem which impacts his career (he's quite behind professionally and salary wise for his age (35), and has around 10K in debt and no savings). He is also a slob and doesn't help me much around the house

- He has a bit of a temper issue and I've even considered if he might be bipolar. One minute he's happy, the next he's grumpy for no apparent reason, seems to get annoyed at me over little things, gets snappy and has trouble keeping a low/indoor tone of voice when we fight - often also resorting to name calling, which I have repeatedly asked him not to do

- I'm unsure he will ever want to marry me or have kids with me. He doesn't have his own **** together yet so these things are not a priority in his mind.

- He says he's going to stop drinking, will heavily reduce the smoking, plans on getting out of debt within a year, go to counselling. But so far, it's really all talk. I'm 33, I own an apartment (overseas, but i plan to sell it in the future to possibly buy a place where we live), don't have much savings but have zero debt, a decent paying career and am ready for marriage and children, and can't wait forever for him to grow up.

For the reasons mentioned above, I feel like I have no choice but to leave him, even though I love him deeply. It's not all bad - he can be quite loving and affectionate, our sex has always been amazing, he makes me laugh and we have a lot of fun together (when we're not fighting). I feel like if he worked on the smoking/drinking, his temper issues with a counsellor and got his **** together financially, we could have an amazing future together - but I cant wait forever for him to grow up, when it may never actually happen.

Our fights have gotten horrible in the past 1.5 months, so we mutually decided to live in separate places at the end of our lease (end of April). We just came back from a great 8 day holiday overseas which we booked months ago, and it went well despite a couple of fights, but we're sticking to our decision. He says living separately for a while will be good for us to take a step back and both work on our emotional issues and heal the relationship, but I just dont have much faith or fight left in me. I have cried a freaking ocean over the past few weeks and I know deep down love just isn't supposed to hurt this much. I'm reaching the end of my rope and feel like once we move out, I have no choice but to end it, so I can get rid of all the anxiety and uncertainty that's plagued me during the relationship and the endless questions in my mind: "Will he ever stop smoking/drink less?" "Will he become more financially responsible?" "Will he want to marry me and have kids?" "Why is he grumpy again? What have I done this time?". I'm tired of feeling like I'm in the passenger seat of my own life and he's driving the car - I need to open up space to find a man who's more mature and ready for the things I'm ready for.

I have been the dumpee in a couple of relationships in the past, and although now I see those men definitely weren't right for me, at the time it hurt like hell, and I couldn't possibly believe someone could be capable of leaving someone they claim to love/care for/want to be with. I thought if there's still love and attraction, you can work through any issues. Boy, was I naive. Now I find myself preparing to leave the man I love - whom I still laugh and play and have great sex with, but who also brings me a world of anguish and pain on a regular basis. I just do not see any other way - we tried couples counselling last year and while it helped for a while, now it seems he's forgotten everything we learned and we're back to square one.

I think it would take him years of individual counselling to get over the emotional issues that get him to smoke, drink, be moody/angry often and grow up. He says I also have a ton of emotional issues (I get very emotional and cry a lot during our fights, he thinks I'm demanding and sometimes needy etc) - but I honestly think it's his behaviours that trigger most of my issues, and if I was with a man who's more emotionally mature, I wouldn't be so triggered. I go to counselling, read a lot, meditate and am a pretty emotionally aware person - but his actions do trigger my anxieties, insecurities, lack of self esteem, and I just do not feel like the best version of myself in the relationship.

Still, despite all this, I can't help but feel immense guilt every time he puts his arms around me, every time he is affectionate or says he loves me, when I know in the back of my mind I'm thinking every day that we need to break up. I shouldn't feel guilty, after all it's not like I never told him what's wrong, but I still feel like I would be giving up on us, and I always had the mentality that if you love someone you just do not give up on them no matter what. I feel disloyal and this is making me hurt even more. He's had a rough life - he's come out of addictions, a bad car accident, two years in a wheelchair on and off, his health isn't the best, and sometimes I feel I should stay, give him the time and space to become the man I know he can be, but I also know how delusional I sound when I say this.

3 weeks until we move out. I don't want to live together while broken up, so I feel like I should just wait it out, but every day feels like the relationship is on a death sentence, a countdown to the end. It's driving me insane. I don't want to leave him, but I can't stay. I've left relationships before when I was no longer in love, and this is the first time I feel like I have to leave someone I still love so much. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision, watching him transform in the best version of himself for another woman after me, not being able to find love again and ending up single and childless at 40 (although that's still 7 years away), not finding a man with whom I have the chemistry we have...etc.

How do you leave someone you still love? This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make.

April 11, 2017

and sometimes I feel I should stay, give him the time and space to become the man I know he can be, but I also know how delusional I sound when I say this.

From a male dumpee's perspective, your thinking isn't delusional.

I was in a 9 year relationship. Unfortunately the last 2 years I hit a wall with some personal issues. My dog got deaf in a botched operation which forced me to become a carer almost 24/7 which heavily affected by outlook on life and my ability to push forwards in the relationship.

During this time, everyday I though about my girlfriend and I so desperately wanted to fix the situation but I simply had no answers because I wasn't ready to euthanize my dog.

I stayed quiet because I did not want to dump my negative feelings on her. In the end she broke things off and it hurt me immensely. It's been 2 years and I still hurt everyday.

A lot of people on here say that people never change. Although I tend to agree that dumpers do not change, I do believe dumpees or people going through a tough period in their lives change dramatically.

When my gf broke it off, I was so devastated because it was about 6 months after I had come out of my hole, the dog was no longer there and my life was back on track. But it was too late. she met someone else and decided to leave.

Look, I understand addictions like smoking and alcohol are hard to drop but let me tell you his. Right now he is hurting right now too, he's just not telling you. Instinctively he would have already felt like you have pulled away which actually makes him act more depressed which in turn pushed you away further.

In my situation, my gf basically just sat back and watched me drown and looking back, had she been supportive and BELIEVED IN ME, things were going to be great between us but she chose not to believe in me and assumed I would be STUCK forever.

Only reason you think that statement is delusional is because like all dumpers you have created an image in your mind of who he is. Even in years to come if he becomes the great man you wanted him to be, for your own self-preservation you will comfort yourself by convincing yourself you know who he is and you dumped for those reasons.

The fact is, as humans we can never fully know or understand another human being. A lot of dumpers make the mistake of thinking that their perceptions of someone mean they fully understand that person and their situation. You did say you have talked with him. I hope you made it clear how serious things are or you will regret that you didn't later on.

Look, you have a right to leave. That's what gives dumpers immense power. But let me tell you once the dumpee goes hard NC on you, the power shifts and you soon learn there is no winner in a breakup, just 2 losers.

Good luck.

April 11, 2017

*Apologies in advance for the long post*

My relationship will likely be coming to an end soon. You can read some background info here, but in a nutshell:

- We were FWB for over a year on and off, have been officially together for just over 2 years and living together for just over a year
- We are very different people and have had recurring issues of compatibility (or lack thereof) since day 1.
- He smokes pot and drinks beers most nights and has a lack of motivation problem which impacts his career (he's quite behind professionally and salary wise for his age (35), and has around 10K in debt and no savings). He is also a slob and doesn't help me much around the house
- He has a bit of a temper issue and I've even considered if he might be bipolar. One minute he's happy, the next he's grumpy for no apparent reason, seems to get annoyed at me over little things, gets snappy and has trouble keeping a low/indoor tone of voice when we fight - often also resorting to name calling, which I have repeatedly asked him not to do
- I'm unsure he will ever want to marry me or have kids with me. He doesn't have his own **** together yet so these things are not a priority in his mind.
- He says he's going to stop drinking, will heavily reduce the smoking, plans on getting out of debt within a year, go to counselling. But so far, it's really all talk. I'm 33, I own an apartment (overseas, but i plan to sell it in the future to possibly buy a place where we live), don't have much savings but have zero debt, a decent paying career and am ready for marriage and children, and can't wait forever for him to grow up.

For the reasons mentioned above, I feel like I have no choice but to leave him, even though I love him deeply. It's not all bad - he can be quite loving and affectionate, our sex has always been amazing, he makes me laugh and we have a lot of fun together (when we're not fighting). I feel like if he worked on the smoking/drinking, his temper issues with a counsellor and got his **** together financially, we could have an amazing future together - but I cant wait forever for him to grow up, when it may never actually happen.

Our fights have gotten horrible in the past 1.5 months, so we mutually decided to live in separate places at the end of our lease (end of April). We just came back from a great 8 day holiday overseas which we booked months ago, and it went well despite a couple of fights, but we're sticking to our decision. He says living separately for a while will be good for us to take a step back and both work on our emotional issues and heal the relationship, but I just dont have much faith or fight left in me. I have cried a freaking ocean over the past few weeks and I know deep down love just isn't supposed to hurt this much. I'm reaching the end of my rope and feel like once we move out, I have no choice but to end it, so I can get rid of all the anxiety and uncertainty that's plagued me during the relationship and the endless questions in my mind: "Will he ever stop smoking/drink less?" "Will he become more financially responsible?" "Will he want to marry me and have kids?" "Why is he grumpy again? What have I done this time?". I'm tired of feeling like I'm in the passenger seat of my own life and he's driving the car - I need to open up space to find a man who's more mature and ready for the things I'm ready for.

I have been the dumpee in a couple of relationships in the past, and although now I see those men definitely weren't right for me, at the time it hurt like hell, and I couldn't possibly believe someone could be capable of leaving someone they claim to love/care for/want to be with. I thought if there's still love and attraction, you can work through any issues. Boy, was I naive. Now I find myself preparing to leave the man I love - whom I still laugh and play and have great sex with, but who also brings me a world of anguish and pain on a regular basis. I just do not see any other way - we tried couples counselling last year and while it helped for a while, now it seems he's forgotten everything we learned and we're back to square one.

I think it would take him years of individual counselling to get over the emotional issues that get him to smoke, drink, be moody/angry often and grow up. He says I also have a ton of emotional issues (I get very emotional and cry a lot during our fights, he thinks I'm demanding and sometimes needy etc) - but I honestly think it's his behaviours that trigger most of my issues, and if I was with a man who's more emotionally mature, I wouldn't be so triggered. I go to counselling, read a lot, meditate and am a pretty emotionally aware person - but his actions do trigger my anxieties, insecurities, lack of self esteem, and I just do not feel like the best version of myself in the relationship.

Still, despite all this, I can't help but feel immense guilt every time he puts his arms around me, every time he is affectionate or says he loves me, when I know in the back of my mind I'm thinking every day that we need to break up. I shouldn't feel guilty, after all it's not like I never told him what's wrong, but I still feel like I would be giving up on us, and I always had the mentality that if you love someone you just do not give up on them no matter what. I feel disloyal and this is making me hurt even more. He's had a rough life - he's come out of addictions, a bad car accident, two years in a wheelchair on and off, his health isn't the best, and sometimes I feel I should stay, give him the time and space to become the man I know he can be, but I also know how delusional I sound when I say this.

3 weeks until we move out. I don't want to live together while broken up, so I feel like I should just wait it out, but every day feels like the relationship is on a death sentence, a countdown to the end. It's driving me insane. I don't want to leave him, but I can't stay. I've left relationships before when I was no longer in love, and this is the first time I feel like I have to leave someone I still love so much. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision, watching him transform in the best version of himself for another woman after me, not being able to find love again and ending up single and childless at 40 (although that's still 7 years away), not finding a man with whom I have the chemistry we have...etc.

How do you leave someone you still love? This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make.

Thanks for for sharing and at least u hav a heart to by the sounds of it. There's an easy solution here. Have u told him u will leave if he doesn't stop wat he's doing as in actually told him u will leave the relationship? Have that conversation and go from there im afraid us men are a lil dumb because we think where not wrong because ur still there in the relationship and only realise wen its too late. I can only comment on myself but wen my ex left me i changed lol. At the end of the day it's only how much u can tolerate. I think about my current ex who dumped me i kept tal8ng her back and back and back until one day wen she was in a stronger position in liFebruary she dumped me lol so go figure lol. Im afraid it's one of those situations where u wont know wat will happen till u leave. I'm pretty loyal I stay and stay but in the end I end up getting dumped because I'm unhappy but trying and trying lol I can only speak for myself.

April 11, 2017

I mean a lot of the time we wake up only wen its really over and the pain had opened our eyes it takes that sometimes to change having said that my ex wife told me the issues and I changed but it was too late a break up hurts and can make things worse as u well know wat it feels like wen u get dumped then it's broken good luck tho

April 11, 2017

From a male dumpee's perspective, your thinking isn't delusional.

I was in a 9 year relationship. Unfortunately the last 2 years I hit a wall with some personal issues. My dog got deaf in a botched operation which forced me to become a carer almost 24/7 which heavily affected by outlook on life and my ability to push forwards in the relationship.

During this time, everyday I though about my girlfriend and I so desperately wanted to fix the situation but I simply had no answers because I wasn't ready to euthanize my dog.

I stayed quiet because I did not want to dump my negative feelings on her. In the end she broke things off and it hurt me immensely. It's been 2 years and I still hurt everyday.

A lot of people on here say that people never change. Although I tend to agree that dumpers do not change, I do believe dumpees or people going through a tough period in their lives change dramatically.

When my gf broke it off, I was so devastated because it was about 6 months after I had come out of my hole, the dog was no longer there and my life was back on track. But it was too late. she met someone else and decided to leave.

Look, I understand addictions like smoking and alcohol are hard to drop but let me tell you his. Right now he is hurting right now too, he's just not telling you. Instinctively he would have already felt like you have pulled away which actually makes him act more depressed which in turn pushed you away further.

In my situation, my gf basically just sat back and watched me drown and looking back, had she been supportive and BELIEVED IN ME, things were going to be great between us but she chose not to believe in me and assumed I would be STUCK forever.

Only reason you think that statement is delusional is because like all dumpers you have created an image in your mind of who he is. Even in years to come if he becomes the great man you wanted him to be, for your own self-preservation you will comfort yourself by convincing yourself you know who he is and you dumped for those reasons.

The fact is, as humans we can never fully know or understand another human being. A lot of dumpers make the mistake of thinking that their perceptions of someone mean they fully understand that person and their situation. You did say you have talked with him. I hope you made it clear how serious things are or you will regret that you didn't later on.

Look, you have a right to leave. That's what gives dumpers immense power. But let me tell you once the dumpee goes hard NC on you, the power shifts and you soon learn there is no winner in a breakup, just 2 losers.

Good luck.

I totally relate to the above, as i was saying wth my ex wife she just wasnt patient enough. we men always wait and support our partner wen theyre down i think wat he needs is u to support him as in steer him in the right direction. i donno cause ive never had those issues mine were about having kids and money this is different i donno much about how people deal or change or cope wth that kind of addiction.

April 11, 2017

What is it about stoners and great sex? You think it would be the other way around.... I digress.

You truly love this man..... continue to show him. Love is patient. Love is kind.

Good luck my friend.

April 11, 2017

He's not making the effort to sort himself out. You're doing the right thing by leaving him. The loving thing in fact, for both of you.

April 17, 2017

Thank you guys for your responses. It took me a while to write back as we went on vacation together (we booked it a few months ago, before things took a turn for the worse). The trip was good, despite a couple of fights, but things spiralled down again after we got back.

We're currently pretty much broken up and I moved to the living room last night. I might stay there for the next two weeks until I move. We both have to move out in 2 weeks as it's the end of our lease - he will be staying at a friend's for a while until he figures out what to do, and I got a month to month lease in a nice one bedroom a few blocks down from our current place.

He told me he was going to stop drinking on week nights after we came back from our trip. We came back a week ago and he has drunk every night since. We then fought about it and I became super emotional, threw some things (mostly my phone lol...and pillows), shouted and cried. I'm not proud of it, but I felt really frustrated, and whenever he drives me to this point, he then uses my reactions against me, saying I have 'mental issues', don't have control over my emotions, I'm crazy. He doesn't realize it's his repeated behaviours that are triggering these emotions in me. I'm not excusing myself - I've started counselling to work on my own emotional issues and triggers, but he has done nothing I've asked him to do. He hasn't started counselling, hasn't stopped drinking, hasn't begun a plan to get out of debt...nothing.

I'm tired of waiting for change. I love him and I do believe people can change when they're ready, but maybe he just isn't ready. Maybe he needs shock treatment and will only be ready when he sees me gone.

He knows my new place is big enough for the 2 of us, and he can move in with me later if we work out our issues. But I'm going to have to see some real effort and change to even consider that. Right now I'm not sure if it's best to keep seeing each other while living separately, or if I should just break up altogether and see if that inspires him to action - and if it doesn't then at least I can begin to really move forward with my life.

April 17, 2017

I totally relate to the above, as i was saying wth my ex wife she just wasnt patient enough. we men always wait and support our partner wen theyre down i think wat he needs is u to support him as in steer him in the right direction. i donno cause ive never had those issues mine were about having kids and money this is different i donno much about how people deal or change or cope wth that kind of addiction.

Well, money and kids is part of our problem. My partner has 10K in debt and no savings whatsoever, and does nothing to sort it out. He's always saying he needs to get out of debt, but always has money for weed and beer...priorities. He's also not sure he wants to have kids...I'm 33 and dont have 10 years to wait for him to figure this out.

I have a decent paying job. I'd be willing to pay 80% of our rent for a year to help him get out of debt, if i saw he was cutting down on the weed and booze and making a real effort to straighten himself out. But i don't see that, so i dont want to invest the time and money into someone I may not even have a future with.

April 17, 2017

see there's the problem - you're waiting for him to change. Are you sure you love him deeply? How can you love someone and want to change them? It doesn't make sense. You love what he could be and he knows it. Hence the behaviour.

I'd suggest for both your sakes end it and go no contact. You will find someone who ticks all your boxes eventually.

Edited April 17, 2017 by breadbin
Added a bit

April 17, 2017

see there's the problem - you're waiting for him to change. Are you sure you love him deeply? How can you love someone and want to change them? It doesn't make sense. You love what he could be and he knows it. Hence the behaviour.

Sorry, but I disagree with this. It's not like I'm trying to change his personality - he's not as into travel/adventures as I am, more of a homebody, not as tidy as me etc, and all those things I can live with, they're not deal breakers.

The things I want him to change (work on his addictions and finances) are heavily impacting his own health and our life together. How could you love someone and want to change them? If I could watch the person I love waste his health away on a daily basis and NOT want to change that, well that would be a sure sign I don't give a crap about them.

April 17, 2017

I'm not saying you don't care for him. I know you do. That's why you're in turmoil. You have to know that if you go ahead with the split it's more than likely over forever. That is huge.

You need to be talking to him about it. You're completely right to end it if you're not happy but I think you're confusing love with something else. When you love someone you don't want anything else.

April 17, 2017

I'm not saying you don't care for him. I know you do. That's why you're in turmoil. You have to know that if you go ahead with the split it's more than likely over forever. That is huge.

You need to be talking to him about it. You're completely right to end it if you're not happy but I think you're confusing love with something else. When you love someone you don't want anything else.

I don't think you understand love as much as you think you do. Love is complicated, people love each other in many different ways. You can love people and still have deep, serious problems with them that can't be resolved (look at some people's relationships with their parents, just for a start).

It's not as simple as "well, this relationship isn't 100% perfect so I guess it's not love, bye!" No relationship is 100% perfect, and the starry-eyed "I will be happy with absolutely everything about you, even if you are an axe murderer with a deadly contagious disease" phase of crazy limerence is not lasting love.

Every relationship has its good and bad points and everyone has to make their own decisions about when the problems are too much to go on.

April 17, 2017

Breadbin, I still have to disagree. I used to think like you, that true love is unconditional but I realized loving someone doesn't always mean choosing them. I do love him with all my heart, sleeping in the living room and not next to him in our bed is killing me and I'm crying myself to sleep at night but I just can't resign myself to a life with a partner who has addictions, debt, is constantly losing jobs, and isn't doing anything to address those issues. That would mean abandoning myself, my own goals and dreams, and that wouldn't be love either, it would be co-dependency.

I have lots of friends who have been unhappy in their relationship for years and haven't been strong enough to leave and just decided to settle. I have considered the same. I've contemplated resigning to a life of anxiety and frustration just to keep the man I love next to me. I still consider that everytime he puts his arms around me. But I just cant do it to myself. I wont lie, I still hold out hope for change, but moving out and getting my own place is the first step to getting my life back and moving on in case I see no effort from his part.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Nothingtolose

April 17, 2017

I never confessed to knowing or understanding love. I'm just the poor fool that had the misfortune to be at the end of a similar decision. I can empathise with your partner and I wish you both well.

April 17, 2017

I really like this thread.

OP, what you are hoping for is something that will take a couple of years to figure out. My x boyfriend had the SAME exact issues. Smoked weed everyday, no sense of financial responsibility, mood swings, anger problems, messy childhood.

I had SO many discussions with him about going to therapy. So many. What happened? He took all those bad habits to a new woman. She actually ended up sending me a message on Facebook after they broke up. She was in disbelief at what a loser he turned out to be. She wanted validation for what she experienced.

No amount of bargaining will change him. Smoking weed and excessive drinking is NOT the problem. It's actually a symptom of an internal issue. Depression probably. Depression is also a symptom of an imbalance in the brain or gut.

Either way, he has to come to the conclusion that he needs to change. And it may take many, many years. Sometimes they never change.

Are you willing to give up on your potential and your talent, to carry his burden? That's not love. That's codependence.

So many women waste their pretty, their best years on these guys. Don't be one of those women. Don't waste your pretty.

April 17, 2017

I really like this thread.

OP, what you are hoping for is something that will take a couple of years to figure out. My x boyfriend had the SAME exact issues. Smoked weed everyday, no sense of financial responsibility, mood swings, anger problems, messy childhood.

I had SO many discussions with him about going to therapy. So many. What happened? He took all those bad habits to a new woman. She actually ended up sending me a message on Facebook after they broke up. She was in disbelief at what a loser he turned out to be. She wanted validation for what she experienced.

No amount of bargaining will change him. Smoking weed and excessive drinking is NOT the problem. It's actually a symptom of an internal issue. Depression probably. Depression is also a symptom of an imbalance in the brain or gut.

Either way, he has to come to the conclusion that he needs to change. And it may take many, many years. Sometimes they never change.

Are you willing to give up on your potential and your talent, to carry his burden? That's not love. That's codependence.

So many women waste their pretty, their best years on these guys. Don't be one of those women. Don't waste your pretty.

Thank you <3 I've been doubting myself every day. I also feel this very strange guilt over not being able to accept him for who he is and making him feel not good enough. I think it's cause I've never accepted that his addictions are "who he is" - he is so intelligent, has a great sense of humour, is a loving guy (when his moodiness/anger issues don't take over), and to me THAT is who he is...the addictions are just an issue that needs to be addressed, but perhaps they are more a part of him than I've been willing to realize.

He agrees that the drinking/smoking etc are symptoms of a bigger issue (likely depression) and that he needs to go to counselling, but so far he's just talked about it, and hasn't booked any sessions. I think he's contemplating a change, but doesn't have the willingness or willpower to execute it at this stage.

What hurts me the most is this horrible feeling that as soon as I leave him, he will go and address these issues and will be an amazing man to the next woman. His girlfriend of 5 years before me left him for another guy, now he's about to lose me, maybe losing two relationships will be what it takes for him to not make the same mistake again with the next one. It just hurts that he isn't capable of making those changes for me.

April 17, 2017

1. You can't control him. You have to stop thinking in terms of "shoulds". So no more, he should stop drinking. He should stop smoking pot. He should be more financially responsible. He should go to counselling. Stop thinking like that and realize that he should be doing exactly what he is doing. And then decide whether or not you can live with that. You can't control him, but you can control you.

2. Other people aren't responsible for your emotions or happiness. In other words, he does not trigger things. You do that to yourself...

3. You can accept him as he is, and love him as he is, and still break up with him.

April 17, 2017

I really like this thread.

OP, what you are hoping for is something that will take a couple of years to figure out. My x boyfriend had the SAME exact issues. Smoked weed everyday, no sense of financial responsibility, mood swings, anger problems, messy childhood.

I had SO many discussions with him about going to therapy. So many. What happened? He took all those bad habits to a new woman. She actually ended up sending me a message on Facebook after they broke up. She was in disbelief at what a loser he turned out to be. She wanted validation for what she experienced.

No amount of bargaining will change him. Smoking weed and excessive drinking is NOT the problem. It's actually a symptom of an internal issue. Depression probably. Depression is also a symptom of an imbalance in the brain or gut.

Either way, he has to come to the conclusion that he needs to change. And it may take many, many years. Sometimes they never change.

Are you willing to give up on your potential and your talent, to carry his burden? That's not love. That's codependence.

So many women waste their pretty, their best years on these guys. Don't be one of those women. Don't waste your pretty.

This right here so much.

My ex bf drank and went to 30-day rehab twice in our first 8 months together. TWICE! He had some problems and I suspected that the alcohol had nothing to do with those problems - that they were internal. I think I am right. Plus, we stopped having fun anymore and I was there for the fun. Last I heard he is back drinking again. I got out when I saw the writing on the wall and I think you should too. You can't spend your whole life waiting for this dude to get his **** together and going on his smoke and promises. It may NEVER happen. Once he gets his **** together he can come back to you if he wants, but don't let him bring you down.

April 18, 2017

Hi, read your story as if about myself, with an exception that my bf quit pot himself about 2 years ago (now I don't get how i tolerated it, every morning began with a joint) and he is not a homebody. He is very sociable and has always liked going out and drinking, as a result he is a bar owner now, not bringing much money yet, debts, but will be successful in few months. He comes back late drunk nearly every day. Loves me and I love him. But can't see my future together (I have just turned 30). I am not sure he will be responsible enough to have children within 5 years. He’s got no plan for the future. Just day by day- work, drinking with customers, sleeping until 3 pm. Talked to him many many times, says that he is tired of drinking, of the night life, wants to go out of all of it.

Around 3 weeks ago I had enough and said that I am leaving him. Bought a ticket to my hometown, where I am writing from now. All he answered was "you are absolutely right; i see no reason why would you stay with a person like me". I moved out the same day, 2 weeks later he said that can’t promise me anything but promise to try to change his lifestyle. He looks shocked. He started to look for new business opportunities not connected with bars and booze (now he is at a neighboring city). Well, as I can see a man CAN change, but only if HE decides to, you can’t help him, only HE can help himself. My boyfriend wrote me on FB “you are very brave and strong having taken this decigion, you have been trying hard, but I have to sort my life out, and I haveto do it myself”.

I am still not sure if he is capable of drinking less, or if we should stay together. I didn’t take a decision to come back or cut it off. We keep in touch, yes.

Just I think for you an option is to leave him and not to look back, live your life, keep busy, take a dance class or Spanish course whatever! Just be busy. Look at him, his life without you. Probably after a while he ll try change something, maybe not now, not in a month, maybe will take months and he will change (by his own decision), maybe he won’t. If this person is YOURS you will be together, if he is NOT for you, well, move on! Wish you strength and patience!

April 18, 2017

Hey girl!

Wow, I swear I couldve written something very similar 2 years ago when I was with my ex

The most important thing you need to know is that you're doing the right thing by breaking up. What a lot of people fail to realize is, we canNOT change others. We cant will someone to grow up or to stop smoking pot or to start making good decisions. If you do stay in the relationship...you'll be waiting until your hair is gray and you've lost the best years of your life

I can assure you 100% that the women in his future will get the same version of him as you have (actually probably worse). Like I said, people dont change. You either stay with someone because you're happy with who they are, or you leave because you arent.

Addiction and mental illness are such tricky things to deal with because the person suffering from them will only get better IF they want to. And it takes a whole lot of will power to make those changes. Your bf sounds very unmotivated and frankly, at the age of 35, he's a leopard who isnt going to change his spots...believe me when I tell you that

My ex and I were together for 2.5 years. He, just like your bf battled with addiction and emotional issues from being abused as a child etc etc. I stayed with him because I loved him so much, so very much. (He was also cheating on me but I didnt know at the time) and like you and your bf, we had amazing chemistry, we knew each other like the back of our hands. He was also financially unstable and seemed to be mentally stunted. He was also abusive towards me. It was like he was still in his early 20s even though he was 35. I swear, I cried and felt more pain in that relationship than I ever did after I left him. When I kicked him out I felt the most massive sense of relief and release.

Two years after the break up my ex is still a mess...he just got fired from the last decent job he'll be able to get because of his extensive criminal backround. Yup....I'm still glad I left

'You never know how heavy a weight is until you put it down.'

You're holding him together. You're keeping him afloat. You're using all your precious energy trying to will him to change. None of this is fair to YOU! Plus your efforts will continue to be fruitless...nothing is going to change

I also had a fear that I'd never find that connection again. Its been almost 2 years since the break up and I'm dating, havent found that awesome guy yet but I can honestly say..I'd rather spend my efforts looking for a guy that deserves me than be in that heart wrenching relationship ever again.

When you do part ways...I think you'll be suprised by how relieved and free you feel

I know you're scared. But its going to feel so freeing to drop that weight

Keep us updated girl

Edited April 18, 2017 by Disillusionment373

April 20, 2017

Hey girl!

Wow, I swear I couldve written something very similar 2 years ago when I was with my ex

The most important thing you need to know is that you're doing the right thing by breaking up. What a lot of people fail to realize is, we canNOT change others. We cant will someone to grow up or to stop smoking pot or to start making good decisions. If you do stay in the relationship...you'll be waiting until your hair is gray and you've lost the best years of your life

I can assure you 100% that the women in his future will get the same version of him as you have (actually probably worse). Like I said, people dont change. You either stay with someone because you're happy with who they are, or you leave because you arent.

Addiction and mental illness are such tricky things to deal with because the person suffering from them will only get better IF they want to. And it takes a whole lot of will power to make those changes. Your bf sounds very unmotivated and frankly, at the age of 35, he's a leopard who isnt going to change his spots...believe me when I tell you that

My ex and I were together for 2.5 years. He, just like your bf battled with addiction and emotional issues from being abused as a child etc etc. I stayed with him because I loved him so much, so very much. (He was also cheating on me but I didnt know at the time) and like you and your bf, we had amazing chemistry, we knew each other like the back of our hands. He was also financially unstable and seemed to be mentally stunted. He was also abusive towards me. It was like he was still in his early 20s even though he was 35. I swear, I cried and felt more pain in that relationship than I ever did after I left him. When I kicked him out I felt the most massive sense of relief and release.

Two years after the break up my ex is still a mess...he just got fired from the last decent job he'll be able to get because of his extensive criminal backround. Yup....I'm still glad I left

'You never know how heavy a weight is until you put it down.'

You're holding him together. You're keeping him afloat. You're using all your precious energy trying to will him to change. None of this is fair to YOU! Plus your efforts will continue to be fruitless...nothing is going to change

I also had a fear that I'd never find that connection again. Its been almost 2 years since the break up and I'm dating, havent found that awesome guy yet but I can honestly say..I'd rather spend my efforts looking for a guy that deserves me than be in that heart wrenching relationship ever again.

When you do part ways...I think you'll be suprised by how relieved and free you feel

I know you're scared. But its going to feel so freeing to drop that weight

Keep us updated girl

Wow, so similar to my story, except that my boyfriend doesn't have a criminal background (that I know of!).

Some days I feel so ready to let him go, then other days the mere thought of it still hits me like a ten tonne brick and I find myself in tears all over again. We're moving out of our place in a week and a half, and the thought of it is so sad, knowing we'll no longer have a home together. At the same time, once I finally am living by myself and not seeing him every night, it will be much easier to make the decision to end it.

How did you both find the strength to leave a man you still deeply loved? I think the main reason I'm so scared to do it is because I have a feeling that once I end it, it will be over for good. I don't actually think he'll chase after me or try to make big changes to win me back, because he still thinks I'm the reason we fight so much (I'm "controlling", he's not "good enough for me", I'm insecure, too emotional, crazy etc). He'll keep believing that to excuse himself of any accountability for the demise of our relationship.

I really am scared that I may never have a deep connection with anyone again. We are such good friends (despite all this crap), we can both be ridiculously silly together, our sex is amazing, and I just plain worry I won't be able to love someone like this again - but I also am scared of settling for a relationship that isn't meeting my needs, scared of never having kids if I stay with him, or having kids and raising them in an environment of addictions with a dad who really isn't a role model, having to carry the heavy burden of the home because he is so lazy, going through financial struggles etc. It's A LOT to give up.

I think I know deep down what I need to do, but actually doing it is so hard

April 20, 2017

I let mine go after 6 months. He was also addicted to pot, cigarattes and alcohol. Every evening involved large amounts of all of those. He was constantly saying how he plans to cut down and stop but it never happened or it would happen for 1-2 days at most. His ex wife was also an addict and they both encouraged the unhealthy behaviour in each other. She went to a rehab twice and relapsed each time. He was also in large amount of debt but still had money for his addictions.

I am few years older than you but I saw the writing on the wall pretty quickly. I don't think he will ever change. He needs someone with the same level of dysfunction or it will never work. The funny thing is that when I suggested that to him, he told me "The last thing I need right now is to take on someone else's mess". Yet he expected me to take on his

I never had a moment of regret after walking away.

April 22, 2017

Wow, so similar to my story, except that my boyfriend doesn't have a criminal background (that I know of!).

Some days I feel so ready to let him go, then other days the mere thought of it still hits me like a ten tonne brick and I find myself in tears all over again. We're moving out of our place in a week and a half, and the thought of it is so sad, knowing we'll no longer have a home together. At the same time, once I finally am living by myself and not seeing him every night, it will be much easier to make the decision to end it.

How did you both find the strength to leave a man you still deeply loved? I think the main reason I'm so scared to do it is because I have a feeling that once I end it, it will be over for good. I don't actually think he'll chase after me or try to make big changes to win me back, because he still thinks I'm the reason we fight so much (I'm "controlling", he's not "good enough for me", I'm insecure, too emotional, crazy etc). He'll keep believing that to excuse himself of any accountability for the demise of our relationship.

I really am scared that I may never have a deep connection with anyone again. We are such good friends (despite all this crap), we can both be ridiculously silly together, our sex is amazing, and I just plain worry I won't be able to love someone like this again - but I also am scared of settling for a relationship that isn't meeting my needs, scared of never having kids if I stay with him, or having kids and raising them in an environment of addictions with a dad who really isn't a role model, having to carry the heavy burden of the home because he is so lazy, going through financial struggles etc. It's A LOT to give up.

I think I know deep down what I need to do, but actually doing it is so hard

Oh girl I know how hard this is

I know it hurts so much to even think about ending it but I'm really glad to hear you're moving out soon. Like you said, once you have some time away from him...your mind will clear and you'll see that this is the right move to make

I dont know how I eventually found the courage to end things. I think the straw that broke the camal's back was finding a topless pic of a woman he had on his phone (he actually uploaded it onto my laptop thats how I found it) I think that woke me up. But it hurt like h*** to end it. I had never seen him cry before but when I sat him down to break up, that 6'4 280lb man held his head in his hands and wept like a baby...so did I

I think the reason wh I ended it was because (like you) I was hurting immensliy in that relationship. The fights, the suspicions of him cheating, him not being a responsible adult, his insults and abuse....I just couldnt do it anymore. I think you know you cant either

What you need to focus on is the future. You know you cant have a happy family with him. You know you cant depend on him to help provide for your family. You know he isnt going to change. Yes there is good in the relationship. If there wasnt, you wouldnt have stayed for as long as you did. But you know that the good that is there..isnt enough

Oh and my ex alwayssss said that our problems were my fault and that I was to blame for everything...he would break up with me every week...and we lived together! Its been almost 2 years since I broke up with him and to this day...he still texts me telling me he still loves me and misses me etc etc. I'll probably get a lot of heat for saying this but...guys love to act like they would live a happier life without us..but when we end it???? They breakdown and want us back. Thats not always the case...but it happens a lot. So when you do break up...please dont be surprised if he texts you asking for you back and that hes sorry etc etc

...thats why you need to block him right after the break up. Pleaseeeee take my advice on that

As for finding that connection again.... well...right now you're settling. Right now you have a grown up boy as a bf who insults you, fights with you, depends on you like you're his mom and wont stop smoking pot. I understand you have an amazing connection with him (I did with my ex) but what you're not seeing right now is that you can find SO much better! You can find that connection AND a man you can have a future with!

This is all a process and it hurts so terribly...but you'll get through this

'Sometimes letting go is harder than holding on'

I know you cant imagine it but its going to feel good to let go. Yes, you'll miss him and you'll cry your eyes out...but you're holding onto something that isnt healthy

I promise you'll be ok girl. Keep posting and PM me anytime

April 22, 2017

Sorry, but I disagree with this. It's not like I'm trying to change his personality - he's not as into travel/adventures as I am, more of a homebody, not as tidy as me etc, and all those things I can live with, they're not deal breakers.

The things I want him to change (work on his addictions and finances) are heavily impacting his own health and our life together. How could you love someone and want to change them? If I could watch the person I love waste his health away on a daily basis and NOT want to change that, well that would be a sure sign I don't give a crap about them.

You can't fix his issues he has to do that. IMO you should have moved on earlier. His issues will probably get worse over time. Hitching your wagon to this would be disastrous to you. You will not love him later.

Break it off and go no contact. If you want a life and future with meaning

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When you feel you have no choice but to end it - a potential dumper's perspective

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