Kisskiss56 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 (edited) First and formost I would like to point out I know this is an envy problem and I am not proud of it. Please try to be helpful instead of hurtful. I have been with my bf (lets call him brian) for a couple of years. We are in love and feel grateful to have found eachother. He has a friend (lets call him larry) Larry used to cheat on his girlfriends but then he met this girl a year ago and is a total changed man. Larry proposed to his girlfriend only after maybe 7 or 8 months of dating. On top of that he proposed in another country in a very romantic over the top way. On top of that, they are having a lavish destination tropical wedding. They seem like nice people, i love his fiance! I feel we would become good friends. However, I feel jealous when they talked about how randomly they met, and how it seemes to come from a movie. Where as, my bf and i met on a dating site and isnt as much of a cute story. My bf even commentedon how they met "and how different that is and like fate" when we had a double date when i was getting to know them I would like to think our story also has that "fate/meant to be" quality to it. but i find myself to be jealous of that and how she got proposed to etc. Anyone have any advice? Edited April 10, 2017 by Kisskiss56 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 I was half-lit when I proposed to my future wife in the parking lot of a bar, and she was likewise half-to-three-quarters-lit when she accepted. Our honeymoon was spent at a hunting cabin in East Texas. So it could always be worse. 7
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 how old are you? Sweetie, this other couple may have the worse relationship ever and you'd never know by looking at them from the outside. For all you know he'll be cheating on her in the next couple of months. 7-8 months is nothing in a relationship. His pedigree shows a cheater so don't be so quick to envy them. Why do you care where you and your bf met? What's important is the quality of your relationship, surely you know this? My bf and I met online and our first date was in a dunkin donut, lol. You think that's romantic? I still have the BEST boyfriend in the world and I would not change our history because it's 'ours'. We have the rest of our life to build beautiful romantic memories together. Same for you and your bf.
Kamille Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 I was half-lit when I proposed to my future wife in the parking lot of a bar, and she was likewise half-to-three-quarters-lit when she accepted. Our honeymoon was spent at a hunting cabin in East Texas. So it could always be worse. Or, you could be like me, 40 still single and happily devoting yourself to cat-lady-ism because you've yet to meet someone you want to share your life with. You're lucky. You have someone you love, someone to share your life with. I envy you that. 2
Author Kisskiss56 Posted April 10, 2017 Author Posted April 10, 2017 I see your point gatea. I have an ego problem, especially on social media everything seems to be perfect. I know my bf would never cheat on me and I never have to worry about that. We have a loving relationship and have had hit some rocky times, so i sometimes feel jealous when other couples seem perfect. We currently live a bit far away from one another for the time being and it can put a strain on things and makes me feel envious of others who dont have to deal what we have to go through
Author Kisskiss56 Posted April 10, 2017 Author Posted April 10, 2017 Another reason why im jealous is that the friend larry, already knows shes "the one" Where as my bf and i arent totally sure yet because we want to be fully prepared and practical. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 In my experience, these feelings of envy come when we're feeling insecure about our own relationships. Seeing other couples who appear to be very happy can magnify the problems that exist behind our own closed doors. So OP, I would ask: Do you feel your boyfriend is not as happy with you as this Larry seems with his fiancee? Are you worried he doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him?
Author Kisskiss56 Posted April 10, 2017 Author Posted April 10, 2017 (edited) In my experience, these feelings of envy come when we're feeling insecure about our own relationships. Seeing other couples who appear to be very happy can magnify the problems that exist behind our own closed doors. So OP, I would ask: Do you feel your boyfriend is not as happy with you as this Larry seems with his fiancee? Are you worried he doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him? We love eachother very much but dealing with difficult outside forces. I know he loves me, he wants me to live with him and to move forward and in our relationship. (However i cannot move to his place. It is too far from my place of work etc) eventually he will move closer to me when his lease ends later this year or possibly live with me. He recently got a new job that is closer to me. Its just hard to see couples who seem like they dont have issues, especially ones that we have where we cannot see eachother all of the time. Also that larry knows shes the one so quickly hurts a bit. My bf is much more practical and wants to make sure its not just about romance but will qlso last in the long run. Edited April 10, 2017 by Kisskiss56
harrybrown Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 be grateful that you have this friend and not the other one. If he cheated in the past, he might again cheat in the future. You do not want that kind of friend. be happy that yours is not the cheater. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 I have an ego problem, especially on social media everything seems to be perfect. Social media is fake. Nothing is perfect. Those couples have problems too. They only post about the good happy stuff. Another reason why im jealous is that the friend larry, already knows shes "the one" Where as my bf and i arent totally sure yet because we want to be fully prepared and practical. Practical is better. It might not be as exciting or glamourous but having a good head on your shoulders & the ability to work through problems in a relationship ensures the relationship will last. When he starts too fast it doesn't always have a solid foundation & the slightest bit if trouble kills it off. Its just hard to see couples who seem like they dont have issues, especially ones that we have where we cannot see eachother all of the time. Those couples do have issues. You are simply not privy to them. You said you are working toward being located closer to one another. Just think how much sweeter that will feel when it happened. The secret to happiness is appreciating what you do have. 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 (edited) My bf is much more practical and wants to make sure its not just about romance but will qlso last in the long run. Like I've told my kids: spend a lot more time thinking about the marriage than the wedding. Not that I'm some kind of pro (my wife and I have had our issues), but despite our less-than-glamorous start, we've been married 33 years. Edited April 10, 2017 by GorillaTheater 2
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 Another reason why im jealous is that the friend larry, already knows shes "the one" Where as my bf and i arent totally sure yet because we want to be fully prepared and practical. That has no value. There are 100s of stories on here about men and women thinking they met 'the one' early on and it all falls apart shortly after. It's much better to take your time to build a strong base to your relationship than to rush into one like they're doing, then fall on your face. They expose all of their lovey dovey life on FB and when they crash and burn it will all be on FB as well. Life is happening in the real world not on social media. I am suspecting something is missing in your relationship. Probably the long distance is getting to you? the lack of long term project? How often do you see your boyfriend? 2
hippychick3 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 OP, I can't tell you how many couples I know who were just like your friends and ended up crashing and burning soon after. It's almost inevitable now when I see a couple who is over the top with their love that they will be broken up within a couple years. I used to feel jealous also when I saw these couples posting on FB while my bf and I were more low key. But, now I feel no jealousy because my bf and I have what they didn't, stability and longevity. How you met does NOT correlate with longevity. And I certainly would never be jealous of a woman who is marrying a former cheater. Once a cheater.... 3
Author Kisskiss56 Posted April 10, 2017 Author Posted April 10, 2017 (edited) I am suspecting something is missing in your relationship. Probably the long distance is getting to you? the lack of long term project? How often do you see your boyfriend? We see eachothee once a week currently. Spending majority of thday together and then waking up to one another. Ive felt a lot of guilt that it has taken so long for our indvidual lives to grow and be able to spend time with eachother more. He has expressed his frustrations on wanting to see me everyday and wanting to move forward. He even stated if i need to find another job out of atate, he would xome with me. That "this is more than just a bf gf relationship" I tend to overthink. Edited April 10, 2017 by Kisskiss56
smackie9 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 Be grateful for what you have, because there are many who have way less or are in a sour situation. I'm a low key person I post very little about my private life...all those who post crap about how flowery their relationship is on social media....makes me gag lol. I see it as silliness. I know behind some of those smiling faces were some troubled times. Not as perfect as you might think. 1
kendahke Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 I see your point gatea. I have an ego problem, especially on social media everything seems to be perfect. I know my bf would never cheat on me and I never have to worry about that. We have a loving relationship and have had hit some rocky times, so i sometimes feel jealous when other couples seem perfect. We currently live a bit far away from one another for the time being and it can put a strain on things and makes me feel envious of others who dont have to deal what we have to go through Social media is like reality television--hardly anything real about it. It's more like "manufactured" television, which it is. Social media machines outcomes--it's not necessarily the truth. It's a show for others' benefit. Think of it this way: all that money they're sinking into this show they're putting on? And he's a serial cheater who's currently on the wagon? These are the two main things which break up a bad foundational relationship faster than anything else. If dude hasn't gone through any kind of therapy to get at why he cheats and hasn't bothered to reform himself outside of a relationship, then he's going to drag that same behavior into his marriage (and I wouldn't doubt him smashing on his wedding day). All that money for that destination wedding will be the liability their lawyers will be fighting over. Count yourself blessed--you've got the better man. Appreciate and treasure who you have. Make sure your private media exceeds social media because that's what counts. 1
kendahke Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 Another reason why im jealous is that the friend larry, already knows shes "the one" Where as my bf and i arent totally sure yet because we want to be fully prepared and practical. Who do you think is going to fare better in the long run, though? I'll bet Larry also said that about every chick he cheated on, too. 1
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 We see eachothee once a week currently. Spending majority of thday together and then waking up to one another. Ive felt a lot of guilt that it has taken so long for our indvidual lives to grow and be able to spend time with eachother more. He has expressed his frustrations on wanting to see me everyday and wanting to move forward. He even stated if i need to find another job out of atate, he would xome with me. That "this is more than just a bf gf relationship" I tend to overthink. You have been together 2 years and you are in your mid 20s, what is holding the both of you from taking action to be together? You are both mature enough to make a move to be together. He moves to you or you move to him and you make it happen now.
kendahke Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 Its just hard to see couples who seem like they dont have issues, especially ones that we have where we cannot see each other all of the time. It seems--don't forget that. People let you know what they want you to know. Period. You would not know if there are issues between them because, first off, that's none of your business--she's not your friend, so why would she tell you her business? If there are problems, she's already discussing them with her bff, not you. Are you sure this isn't jealousy on your part because you're not in the spotlight? If this is the case, you need to get that checked before you allow it to ruin a good thing. Also that larry knows shes the one so quickly hurts a bit. Consider the source on that. My bf is much more practical and wants to make sure its not just about romance but will qlso last in the long run. He's completely right and he needs a woman who is completely on board with that. The fact that he is practical about this is very, very important and you're better off with a man who wants to make sure you and he can go the distance--this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Author Kisskiss56 Posted April 10, 2017 Author Posted April 10, 2017 Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. I really do know patience is key and cannot rush anything. I am grateful for him, and need to focus on what we have (while working on things to make us better for the long haul) 1
kgcolonel Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. I really do know patience is key and cannot rush anything. I am grateful for him, and need to focus on what we have (while working on things to make us better for the long haul) KK, Can I lend a word from an old-timer, married for 34 years (to the same lady. haha) Your life will be what you make out of it. I proposed to my wife, in bed after....now when someone asks how I proposed, we look at each other, grin and wait for the other to navigate the delicacies.....we have fun with it, it wasn't in Paris or on a beach but it was OUR proposal and it is special to us. WE chose to make it this way. I think too many build up an idealized fantasy and become saddened when they don't get the fantasy....As Smakie (a very smart lady btw) said, learn to be happy with what you have. If you don't learn this, your life will be forever chasing rainbows which you never catch. Bloom where you're planted so to speak. 1
Recommended Posts