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My boyfriend hasn't been truthful about his father

SheaSugarScrub

By SheaSugarScrub
in General Relationship Discussion

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SheaSugarScrub New Member

SheaSugarScrub

Posted
Posted

Hey all. I posted this issue elsewhere but didn't have much luck so I'm hoping you guys can help me out in this predicament.

 

I've (21) been dating "Dino" (18) for about two weeks now, and we were friends for a few months before that. We both click very well, our interests and values mesh very well, he treats me well, and I just feel overall great when I'm around him.

 

We gravitated toward each other not only because we connect well, but we have the same family situation and it's good to have someone who can relate and understand the situation that has shaped me as a person. Both of us have fathers that were either barely or not involved in our lives, and both of us have endured living with abusive step-fathers that our mothers won't/wouldn't leave. Dino told me that his father died when he was twelve from a heroine overdose, and overall just thinks his father was a bad person when he was alive.

 

Now here's the issue, and I hope it doesn't sound too weird; it was 2 am and I was bored out of my mind. Dino's real name is very very unique, and his dad has the same name as him ("Dino" Jr. and Sr.); out of curiosity of what would come up, I googled his full name and within the first page of my search, I found his father's facebook.

 

His father is very much alive, and has posts from as recent as 2016 on it. I looked at everything that was public for me to see and not only was it clear to me that he is alive, but he had a couple pictures of Dino (including one of him WITH Dino) on there from only 3-4 years ago with captions about how much he misses his son, and one from just last year about how happy he was to receive a friend request from his son he never talked to; the latter is a bit puzzling since it appears he HAS talked to him before the date it was posted, judging by the older photos, but I'm just brushing it off as bad phrasing.

 

Basically, Dino's dad genuinely has very little part in his life, but he is definitely not dead.

 

So curiosity killed the cat (for the better, I guess) and I'm a bit distraught, because I really like Dino a lot, and I honestly still do, but this is some heavy stuff to lie about and I'm not sure why he would do that, especially with how easy it was to find his dad's facebook. I know for sure his other issues are genuine since talking to his family has confirmed it for me or I've seen it first-hand, but I don't want to have to question everything he says from now on unless I get proof.

 

What do I do with this information? Should I just....break it off and not say anything? Should I confront him? How? I really have no clue what I want to do, other than confront him about it, and even then, I don't know how to go about doing it. I'm not really angry so much as I am extremely puzzled about this.

ImComplicated Member

ImComplicated

Posted
Posted (edited)

Maybe he thinks it makes for a more dramatic story, or something, who knows. I recently found out a guy I was seeing lied to me about something weird like that, too (not that exact thing but nonetheless it was puzzling bc same thing as your guy, all the other stuff he said wasn't a lie, so i was so puzzled). I've known for a few months now and even though we stay in touch sometimes (he's an ex I had a summer fling with a couple years ago, before he had to go back home, which is across the country) I never say anything to him bc I don't see what good it would do - it wasn't long or serious enough for me to confront him. And we were friends for years beforehand and I enjoy talking to him, no sense in making it awkward by bringing it up. not saying that's what YOU should do, that's up to you. it all depends on how much it bothers you, i guess.

Edited by ImComplicated
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted

At two weeks of dating, why get bogged down in stuff that is so emotional and difficult? You should be enjoying each other and focusing on the here and now. When he's comfortable enough and the time is right for him, he may go down that road. For now, he views his father as dead to him and would say he's dead so as to end or prevent further discussion about it. His reasons are his reasons . . . and those reasons are not harmful to anyone really. This is a relatively harmless lie.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

If he had a rocky relationship with dad, perhaps Dino copes better if his father is "dead to him."

 

 

You can confess what you have done & ask Dino about it but don't confront him or berate him. After you talk, figure out whether you can trust Dino or if you prefer to write him off as a liar.

  • Like 4
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

I think this is going to interfere with your relationship unless you say something to him. You could say you were searching for Dino online out of curiosity and happened upon this profile of someone who claims to be his father. Let Dino take it from there.

 

I can't see the point in ignoring this but maybe confronting him kindly and with curiosity rather than blame might be the way forward.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Well, if he was a heroin addict, maybe this was the only way he could cope, to just write him off as dead. Hopefully he will confess to you some day. The bigger worry is how this has affected him as a person and as a role model for his future children. Will he have the skills? Possibly not.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
I think this is going to interfere with your relationship unless you say something to him. You could say you were searching for Dino online out of curiosity and happened upon this profile of someone who claims to be his father. Let Dino take it from there.

 

I can't see the point in ignoring this but maybe confronting him kindly and with curiosity rather than blame might be the way forward.

 

They have only been dating for a couple of weeks . . . I don't think she should pick at that "sore". She doesn't know any details and he has chosen to keep it to himself. When the relationship is established enough, he will decide when he is ready to trust her with more information. He may resent being pushed into discussing it. She can mention it some time in the future if she wants to, but she should wait it out a bit.

 

They should be having fun together right now, not dredging up possible old wounds . . .

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FoundLove Member

FoundLove

Posted
Posted

I had a friend once tell me her father had died as well, only to find out later that he was alive and well. She had no relationship with him, so I concluded that he was "dead to her". Maybe this is the same for Dino.

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SheaSugarScrub New Member

SheaSugarScrub

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
I had a friend once tell me her father had died as well, only to find out later that he was alive and well. She had no relationship with him, so I concluded that he was "dead to her". Maybe this is the same for Dino.

 

They have only been dating for a couple of weeks . . . I don't think she should pick at that "sore". She doesn't know any details and he has chosen to keep it to himself. When the relationship is established enough, he will decide when he is ready to trust her with more information. He may resent being pushed into discussing it. She can mention it some time in the future if she wants to, but she should wait it out a bit.

 

They should be having fun together right now, not dredging up possible old wounds . . .

 

Well, if he was a heroin addict, maybe this was the only way he could cope, to just write him off as dead. Hopefully he will confess to you some day. The bigger worry is how this has affected him as a person and as a role model for his future children. Will he have the skills? Possibly not.

 

I think this is going to interfere with your relationship unless you say something to him. You could say you were searching for Dino online out of curiosity and happened upon this profile of someone who claims to be his father. Let Dino take it from there.

 

I can't see the point in ignoring this but maybe confronting him kindly and with curiosity rather than blame might be the way forward.

 

If he had a rocky relationship with dad, perhaps Dino copes better if his father is "dead to him."

 

 

You can confess what you have done & ask Dino about it but don't confront him or berate him. After you talk, figure out whether you can trust Dino or if you prefer to write him off as a liar.

 

At two weeks of dating, why get bogged down in stuff that is so emotional and difficult? You should be enjoying each other and focusing on the here and now. When he's comfortable enough and the time is right for him, he may go down that road. For now, he views his father as dead to him and would say he's dead so as to end or prevent further discussion about it. His reasons are his reasons . . . and those reasons are not harmful to anyone really. This is a relatively harmless lie.

 

Maybe he thinks it makes for a more dramatic story, or something, who knows. I recently found out a guy I was seeing lied to me about something weird like that, too (not that exact thing but nonetheless it was puzzling bc same thing as your guy, all the other stuff he said wasn't a lie, so i was so puzzled). I've known for a few months now and even though we stay in touch sometimes (he's an ex I had a summer fling with a couple years ago, before he had to go back home, which is across the country) I never say anything to him bc I don't see what good it would do - it wasn't long or serious enough for me to confront him. And we were friends for years beforehand and I enjoy talking to him, no sense in making it awkward by bringing it up. not saying that's what YOU should do, that's up to you. it all depends on how much it bothers you, i guess.

 

First off, thank you all for your responses! You all certainly bring up great points to consider. Sorry for quoting so many of you at once and sorry if my response is all over the place.

 

I'm still on the fence about what to do; I am swaying towards keeping it to myself for an indefinite amount of time, but this is extremely hard to ignore and I think I'm capable of confronting him about it in a manner that isn't berating or going to make him feel bad. As I had said in my original post, I'm not mad at all, just very confused. I want to be able to enjoy him without this "secret" being in the back of my mind constantly.

 

While this specific lie certainly isn't enough to be a deal breaker, it does make me wonder if he's lying about other things in his life that isn't "confirmed", if that makes sense.

 

I understand where you guys are coming from when you say that his father is "dead to him", but is it normal for people to fabricate a full-on backstory about how this person died? On top of telling me how he died, he's told me that his dad's death is the the only death he's ever cried over. I'm just still puzzled about the whole thing and I suppose he has his reasons but....it's just so bizarre to me since he's confided in me about other very heavy stuff this early on. We both want something long-term from this relationship so I suppose over time, it would have to come out, but it's an itch I want to scratch very very badly and I can't imagine spending years with him if this isn't resolved sometime soon.

Edited by SheaSugarScrub
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Don't hold onto it long. It's already eating at you. A topic this sensitive deserves a calm discussion. If you hold it in, it's gonna come out during an argument & everything will be worse. Let it go or address calmly now.

  • Like 1
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)

what i know from dealing with people who lie habitually......is there is always some motivation....you cant write people off for lying.....motivation for lying can include fear ...for protection..defense of others...defense of self...insecurities.....fear of confrontation......wanting to impress ...feelings of inadequacy.....wanting to appear different from others or the same.....anxiety...poor social skills......not wanting to disappoint.....or for manipulation......

 

 

give him a chance what i have found when you actually talk to someone about a lie that you have found out about....is that you need to be gentle...you dont know the motivation for it.....or the way he was when he told the lie.....if everyone who told a lie disappeared from earth....there would be no one here...bar the likes of mother theresa......and similar peeps....i wouldn't be here.....neither would you so ....forgive him before you even know why and be gentle when you ask him and yes give him that chance....there's a reason there...and that reason(that motivation) is far more important for you to know rather than the lie itself...

 

what i normally say ....when i know someone is lying to me is to sit them down when they are relaxed....and say im the last person you should feel you need to lie too, you really dont....i accept you and love you whatever you do or say.... you know that......i know you.....you know me....you can tell me the truth i wont judge you ....tell me why.... help me understand you a little better ..that's all i want to do.... understand you...so its this blanket of warmth...and acceptance helps ...people open up .....

 

 

...i dont want this lie to become between the trust we have for each other..i always say.........

 

 

if they are harder to deal with......when they lie and are more defensive ill make them tell me the lie outright and go then back on the lie in one conversation, because i know the lie, i can turn the conversation in on itself by introducing what i know in different ways.....

lies need more lies to cover...and eventually ...lies come out this way....people who love and know me ..stay away from me and dont bother lying .....because they know i know when they are lying anyway.....so eventually we do the honesty thing when they can face me....

 

 

.liars just cant think fast enough to beat honesty..... this is more confronting and takes focus......when i bring the lie to the surface.....i then say ...you know it would be easier on you if you just told me the truth you wouldnt feel bad and im not going to bring it up again....just be truthful next time........

 

give the guy a chance....sounds difficult with his father as it is.......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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SheaSugarScrub New Member

SheaSugarScrub

Posted
  • Author
Posted

So I have some good news to share! Once again, thank you all for your responses.

 

It could not have gone any smoother. I decided to tell him today.

 

I took the advice of those who told me to make sure he is relaxed and calm when I decide to tell him- although he's a generally laid back person, I still sort of "buttered him up" by giving him a little painting I made of a favorite cartoon of ours (which he seemed to love, haha), and we spent the day just chatting and watching funny videos. Whenever he would go to the bathroom, I would briefly go through this thread to sort of make a mental checklist of how to approach him.

 

I mustered up the courage to tell him 30 minutes before he had to leave. I said a few things that I saw on this thread; I began by telling him that I still like him, I'm sure he has his reasons for telling me certain things, and I confessed to looking up his dad and finding out he's alive. I was just curious to know why he told me what he did and let him know I wasn't mad in the slightest.

 

So his reasoning, in short, was basically what others said about his dad being "dead to him". He admitted he shouldn't have lied about that, and he openly gave me more details about his dad and we even looked at his dad's facebook together. I had also given him a chance to come clean about anything else, but it seems this is the only thing he's lied to me about. To my heart's content, he said feels closer to me now that I know about this, which is something only his family really knows. We got taco bell afterwards and things honestly feel even better with him. What a relief; I really like him a lot and he's a genuinely great guy, so I think I would have been slightly heartbroken if things went awry.

  • Like 1
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted
So I have some good news to share! Once again, thank you all for your responses.

 

It could not have gone any smoother. I decided to tell him today.

 

I took the advice of those who told me to make sure he is relaxed and calm when I decide to tell him- although he's a generally laid back person, I still sort of "buttered him up" by giving him a little painting I made of a favorite cartoon of ours (which he seemed to love, haha), and we spent the day just chatting and watching funny videos. Whenever he would go to the bathroom, I would briefly go through this thread to sort of make a mental checklist of how to approach him.

 

I mustered up the courage to tell him 30 minutes before he had to leave. I said a few things that I saw on this thread; I began by telling him that I still like him, I'm sure he has his reasons for telling me certain things, and I confessed to looking up his dad and finding out he's alive. I was just curious to know why he told me what he did and let him know I wasn't mad in the slightest.

 

So his reasoning, in short, was basically what others said about his dad being "dead to him". He admitted he shouldn't have lied about that, and he openly gave me more details about his dad and we even looked at his dad's facebook together. I had also given him a chance to come clean about anything else, but it seems this is the only thing he's lied to me about. To my heart's content, he said feels closer to me now that I know about this, which is something only his family really knows. We got taco bell afterwards and things honestly feel even better with him. What a relief; I really like him a lot and he's a genuinely great guy, so I think I would have been slightly heartbroken if things went awry.

 

im really really glad it worked out for you in a beautiful way ....you probably feel much closer and he feels probably a whole lot better with your understanding and compassionate way of handling things he will be more open and honest in the future.........good on you and him and yay..deb

GunslingerRoland Established Member

GunslingerRoland

Posted
Posted

My father isn't in my life, is a pretty easy answer to make, that doesn't require a lie. I'd be seriously concerned about the fact that he made up a very specific lie to you about this, it isn't normal behavior.

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SheaSugarScrub New Member

SheaSugarScrub

Posted
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Posted
My father isn't in my life, is a pretty easy answer to make, that doesn't require a lie. I'd be seriously concerned about the fact that he made up a very specific lie to you about this, it isn't normal behavior.

 

Yeah, I thought it was very bizarre and I still think it is, even when I heard his reasoning in detail; my bio father situation is similar to his and I don't find the need to lie about anything so it was beyond me as to why he made a specific lie. People just cope with things differently, I guess. I'm just glad I got it out of the way smoothly.

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