mindmischief Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 So my girlfriend of 2+ years has been wanting to move in. For her, it's a logical step because we pretty much live together now. She says she doesn't want to do it as a way to push me to commit, she just wants to be with me. But for me, taking that step is big. It's kind of like jumping in, and I don't know if I'm ready. After multiple conversations, she said last night that I could wait a year until her lease is up on her current place and I should decide by then if I want to live with her. As a whole, our relationship is great, she's loving, faithful, supportive, and just wants to be with me. I reciprocate all those feelings, but sometimes I feel like the spark isn't there because we share almost no common interests. I'm in a "the grass is greener" situation. We're both young (22 and 21). I am wondering quite frequently if I would ever meet someone who I have a better spark with and share at least some common interests with. We're really different people and I'm scared of taking that next step with her. I'm not "f-ck yeah!" about it, but at the same time I love her deeply. Advice?
Larryville Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 We're both young (22 and 21) I love her deeply. After moving in together at this age you won’t be in love for very long. But hey, good luck! 4
FoundLove Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 If you don't think you're ready, then you most probably are not. I'd say wait another year as she suggested. 2
Gemma1 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 Some advice I wish I'd listened to when I was younger - do NOT move in with someone that you're not fairly positive you are going to marry. The reason is because it leads to either of two scenarios: 1) You end up staying in a bad relationship for a longer time than you would have otherwise, because breaking up after moving in together is a LOT harder. It just wastes everyone's time. Or 2) You end up marrying someone that you really shouldn't have, because you already have that momentum going and the relationship is okay, right? So why not just take the next "logical" step? She's already using this ****ty logic on you now. "We already *practically* live together, let's just make it official!" In 5 years it could be "We're already *practically* married, let's just make it official!" This is NOT how you should approach a life partnership. I'm not saying that everyone who lives together before marriage is only married because of this momentum, but you can avoid this risk altogether, and you should! At the very least, you end up severally complicating your eventual breakup. It's just not worth it. Now, it's a completely different story when you're pretty sure you've found "the one" and want to live together as a brief precursor to marriage. But it doesn't sound like that's the case here. Just don't do it!!!! 2
Redhead14 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 Even though you two aren't thinking of marrying yet, it would be a very good thing at your age to take a pre-marital counseling course . . . it would be a very eye opening experience and very good for individual insight and goals planning. There is a lot more to a committed relationship and living together and helping to ensure success than you can even imagine.
smackie9 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 It's just living together, not getting engaged or married( jeez louis!) This might be a good thing....this will be your answer to whether you want a future with her or not, since you are on the fence about your relationship. It just might save you a lot of your time, by getting to a point where you can make the decision to cut her loose or not. You are young so living together is no big deal because you have your whole life ahead of you, and probably many more relationships too. I think you are thinking way too seriously about it. Your GF is pushing for nothing more than a convenience thing....which makes financial sense. Just keep your accounts separate, and split the bills down the middle 50/50. If things don't work out, you simply move out. Eazy-peazy.
Els Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 I don't think the issue here is the living together - the issue is how you feel about her. If you're feeling like "there's no spark" and "we have nothing in common" when you're only in your early 20s, not living together, with no other obligations... it's not going to get better. Imagine how much worse it'll be when you're in your 30s with job, family, and house responsibilities? I don't think you should wait another year. In fact, rather than drag it out, it might be best to just go your separate ways. 4
kendahke Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 So my girlfriend of 2+ years has been wanting to move in. For her, it's a logical step because we pretty much live together now. She says she doesn't want to do it as a way to push me to commit, she just wants to be with me. You are already with each other--what does living together provide that you're not getting already? It is a push to commit. But for me, taking that step is big. It's kind of like jumping in, and I don't know if I'm ready. If you're not ready, then tell her now that that talk is off the table for now. If she asks when will you be ready, you tell her what it is you need to accomplish in your life first before you can see yourself settling down to be anyone's provider. After multiple conversations, she said last night that I could wait a year until her lease is up on her current place and I should decide by then if I want to live with her. As a whole, our relationship is great, she's loving, faithful, supportive, and just wants to be with me. Like I asked, what does living together provide that you don't already have? You live close enough where you're at each other's place all the time, so it's not as if you're in a LDR with her. You spend most of your time together already. I reciprocate all those feelings, but sometimes I feel like the spark isn't there because we share almost no common interests. I'm in a "the grass is greener" situation. We're both young (22 and 21). I am wondering quite frequently if I would ever meet someone who I have a better spark with and share at least some common interests with. We're really different people and I'm scared of taking that next step with her. I'm not "f-ck yeah!" about it, but at the same time I love her deeply. Advice? If this is how you feel, the definitely do not cohabitate with her. And make sure both of your are on really good birth control. "Oopsy pregnancies" are more common than you think. 1
mikeylo Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 You have one year to make a decision. How much more time do you need ?
Simple Logic Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 So my girlfriend of 2+ years has been wanting to move in. For her, it's a logical step because we pretty much live together now. She says she doesn't want to do it as a way to push me to commit, she just wants to be with me. But for me, taking that step is big. It's kind of like jumping in, and I don't know if I'm ready. After multiple conversations, she said last night that I could wait a year until her lease is up on her current place and I should decide by then if I want to live with her. As a whole, our relationship is great, she's loving, faithful, supportive, and just wants to be with me. I reciprocate all those feelings, but sometimes I feel like the spark isn't there because we share almost no common interests. I'm in a "the grass is greener" situation. We're both young (22 and 21). I am wondering quite frequently if I would ever meet someone who I have a better spark with and share at least some common interests with. We're really different people and I'm scared of taking that next step with her. I'm not "f-ck yeah!" about it, but at the same time I love her deeply. Advice? Move in to her place. It is always easier to pack and leave than throw someone out.
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 So my girlfriend of 2+ years has been wanting to move in. For her, it's a logical step because we pretty much live together now. She says she doesn't want to do it as a way to push me to commit, she just wants to be with me. But for me, taking that step is big. It's kind of like jumping in, and I don't know if I'm ready. That means you met at 18 and 19. You are way too young to be moving in together. At your age you should be enjoying some type of freedom, going out with friends, traveling with friends, concentrating on your education, seeking that perfect job. When you move in together too young you miss out on your youth, I know too well I was married at 20. Also, the best way to kill the love? move in together for financial gain. Nothing else will kill that 'lovin feeling' as fast as that. You move in together when you are ready to be 100% a common law couple. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 It depends. If you view living together as a huge commitment, meaning you are doing this because you eventually see yourself marrying & as a result you don't feel ready, don't move in. It seems she sees it as a convenience something to do to save a little money & because you already spend a lot of time together. For her it's a more causal . . . do it because it feels good . . . sort of a thing. You two have a lot of talking to do over the course of the next year. On your end do some research about what co-signing a lease means should one of you want out. Do not rent a place that you cannot each afford separately. Discuss ground rules -- chores, money, joint purchases (I'm against them) 1
smackie9 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 OP you already posted about this in your other thread on the 7th....we will give you the same advice no matter how many times you start a new thread. Changing the wording, or adding different info doesn't fool us here at LS. 2
smackie9 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 Now that I have had more time to think about it....if you feel uncomfortable about moving in with her, then tell her that. Tell her you want to have your own personal space, so moving in isn't going to happen. You are not at a place in your life to be living with a gf and that you still want your independence and hope she can understand that. It's too big of a step that you are nowhere near ready to do. You like things the way they are. When you are ready, you will let her know then. Best of luck. 2
Larryville Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 OP you already posted about this in your other thread on the 7th....we will give you the same advice no matter how many times you start a new thread. You know this is a good point, is there not a way to limit someone from posting multiple threads on the same crap over and over almost like they keep posting until someone gives them the answer to a problem that they will want or accept? I don’t know about anyone else but I’m seeing more of this recently. Can’t (first posters) be flagged to verify that is not a repeat thread? Just wondering
smackie9 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 You know this is a good point, is there not a way to limit someone from posting multiple threads on the same crap over and over almost like they keep posting until someone gives them the answer to a problem that they will want or accept? I don’t know about anyone else but I’m seeing more of this recently. Can’t (first posters) be flagged to verify that is not a repeat thread? Just wondering You can report it. I'm trying to make it a habit to check their other threads before posting.
minou23 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 Is there no spark or is it because the honeymoon phase is over? Why would you spend over two years with someone if you're not crazy about them? Sounds like you aren't all that happy. Maybe you just feel the need to be in a relationship? Similar thing happened with my ex and me. He told me there wasn't a spark and didn't want to move in together. He said he wasn't 100% sure about it (breaking up) and he needed time, but we broke up and never got back together. So it seems he made the right decision and I think he's happy now. I'm happy now too. I have the opportunity to meet someone crazy about me. And the good thing is, we're not on bad terms either. Be honest with yourself. The truth will set both of you free.
smackie9 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 OP will probably start another thread.....things are getting too heavy here lol. 1
Author mindmischief Posted April 11, 2017 Author Posted April 11, 2017 You can report it. I'm trying to make it a habit to check their other threads before posting. OP will probably start another thread.....things are getting too heavy here lol. OP you already posted about this in your other thread on the 7th....we will give you the same advice no matter how many times you start a new thread. Changing the wording, or adding different info doesn't fool us here at LS. You know this is a good point, is there not a way to limit someone from posting multiple threads on the same crap over and over almost like they keep posting until someone gives them the answer to a problem that they will want or accept? I don’t know about anyone else but I’m seeing more of this recently. Can’t (first posters) be flagged to verify that is not a repeat thread? Just wondering I honestly wasn't trying to spam the forum or anything or try and get attention. My first post was more of a general question about the relationship, this one geared towards cohabitation and how to cope with unsureness in regards to living together. I do apologize, and I sincerely appreciate everyone's responses. Next time I'll keep it in one post. Thank you so much! 1
SoThatHappened Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 These are just my opinions after waiting to move in with someone, and actually having to kick her out in an ugly, ugly breakup. - You're young. Keep dating her, but keep healthy boundaries (i.e., don't move in together yet) - You're not 100% comfortable with it, so don't do it. - If you're not comfortable, but allow her to move in, you may resent her later on. - If things don't work out, things may get ugly if she doesn't want to leave. - 1
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