Vld Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 Hello, guys. I just happened to stumble upon this forum while looking for some help on the Internet. I need some advice, because I am going insane over this. I met a girl 1 year ago. She had and still has depression. She had issues at home. Her family was and still is absolutely awful. She studied in country A, and I lived in country B. We met through an online game. We became friends very, very quickly. She had a boyfriend and he was treating her like ****. She didn't know how to break up, but wanted to desperately. I helped her out, which only made our bond that much stronger. We really liked each other. It was tough, but I supported her through everything. I helped her with school, her family, social behavior (she has an anxiety), choices, etc. She saw me as a father-figure even though we are at a similar age, and as her best friend. In her mind, I replaced her non-exisiting real family. We fell in love. The break-up with her ex was tough. It went through several stages. She took it harshly, because they had been together for 2 years. She had broken up with him on several ocassions, but it never lasted. They always ended up being together, because she felt the need to repay him. He had helped her with moving on from her previous phase, which was just as troubled (it involved rape, an abusive boyfriend, a lot of alcohol and forced nudity for strangers), and she appreciated him for it, which I understood completely. But he had become abusive, offensive and emotionally manipulating. He would make her cry for hours simply by ignoring her. She self-harmed several times while I was a part of her life and a dozen more before that, including an attempted suicide at the age of 13. I was there for her through everything (within my "timeline" in her life). We would talk about everything. She would share things constantly. She became very, very close to me and viceversa. I had been with a girl "like her" before (troubled overall), whom I had saved from committing suicide, who after having me pay for her expenses fully for years and being my intimate partner cheated on me and spread lies about me beating her, for which I had blamed myself a lot, I felt this one was my chance to do it "right". I got emotionally involved. We started sending each other physical letters. We would say how much we mean to each other. She would say that I was the only person she felt was there for her in the whole world. She would say how much she missed me. She would say how much I meant to her. I knit her a medallion, because she loved wearing stuff around her neck, which took me 5 hours a day for 2 weeks to make. She made me necklaces of walnuts and painted me bottles with hidden messages on them. We sent each other books we wanted each of us to read. It was incredible. We had started a long-distance relationship, which we wanted to grow into a "real" one later on. She was about to move to a different country after graduating. She and her ex are from the same nationality, and while together, they had made plans to move out. She wanted to honor those plans, because, again, she wanted to repay him and felt the need to do so. I felt it was extremely strange, and I was aware of what might happen between her and her ex, given their history of getting back together. Around those times I also started seeing red flags all over the place. She started becoming irritated easily, incredibly jealous (I had to videochat through my phone where I was at any given time, and if I couldn't, she would make a scene and not talk to me for x hours for example), she would get offensive towards me and random people, et cetera. She convined me to agree and promised there was nothing between them and that they were going as friends. Some Facebook posts confirmed that (as much as that can be proof of anything, really). I agreed to it with the condition that she'd cut contact completely after all was done. She promised. She said she wanted to make us work 100% and would do anything to see that happen, but even so, she wanted to do this for her own peace of mind. I agreed and I was glad that she was so loyal and honorable. It was the main quality that I was looking for in a girl after being cheated on. I thought this was it. The following months were the worst days of my life. Every single day I had go to bed (I am an insomniac, so that was an issue, too) and wake up with the idea that she might cheat. Every single day after work, when we would talk, I could hear him in the background. It was killing me. By the end of the third month, I was emotionally exhausted. I simply did not care about anything in the world. Everything was grey and boring. Including her. On my birithday, she told me she had found a conversation on her ex-boyfriend's computer. The conversation was between him and her, and it was involving "her tits". She felt jealous, and she realized that she had feelings for her ex. My birthday was ruined, and I was crushed. She cried and so did I. She begged me not to break up with her, and I did not. Naturally. I reasserted the idea that she HAD to stop talking to him. Again, she promised she would, and she said she would overcome her feelings. I trusted her. We made it somehow, and it was time for her to move out on her own. It was also time she would keep her promise of cutting contact with her ex. She moved out, I helped her with that, too. She found a job through a family member who lived in the area, and she started her life on her own. Along with that, started the plans of us taking it to the next level. A little context: due to my previous break-up, where the girl cheated on me and spread lies afterwards, I was determined to move out of my current country of residence and further my education in a different place, which is why we thought I should move to the same country she did, which was not my first choice or even remotely close to my first one; essentially, I dropped my plans for her entirely and decided to go with her. We planned that in two months time we would move in at our own place, which we would rent. I was super excited, and I took all my pain so far as a part of what I had to go through to get my dream girl. At that point, I found out she was still talking to her ex. Blindly, I kept being stoic and I was entirely focused on the fact that we were moving together. She told me she needed time to do so, and we accorded that SHE COULD SIMPLY NOT BE TALKING TO HIM by the time I got there. Essentially, I kept giving her extension after extension to keep the only thing I had asked her to do for me ever since we met. Fast-forward. I am about to go to her. She is still talking to her ex. I fly to the place, which I found and pre-paid for since she had no money at the time (she returned the sum the first chance she got; this was probably her best quality, as she was VERY strict with money and never stole or took anything I did for granted, money-wise). We meet. We're excited. We finally got together. Pure bliss! Everything is heavenly... for about a week. In her words, she had stopped talking to her ex, and she had kept her promise. it was going well (with minor fights about trivial things), Seven days in, I find a bunch of recent messages from her ex. I lost my mind. We had a huge fight. We shouted. She cried. We called each other names, and it was all undone permanently. I never saw her as the same person anymore. She was being easy to anger. She would insult me. She would nag about random things. She would make things up, believing she had said them, and then get mad about them, because I hadn't complied. She wouldn't do any of the daily chores. She didn't know how to cook or how to properly do the laundry. I did everything with minor exceptions. We lasted about a couple of months together after this fight. That time was basically me asking her to stop talking to her ex and her telling me that she can't do it. I stopped caring completely. Our sex life died. We barely spoke anymore. I never bothered looking for work. She told me we need to break up, but I somehow wanted to keep at it. I felt it couldn't end this way, and I convinced her "to give ME another chance". At around Christmas last year, she tells me I need to go. Bear in mind that I had given up my apartment in the country I used to live in. I had given up my plans and every single friend. I had no place to stay and nobody to go to. She bought me a ticket and she told me that I had to leave "as soon as possible, because she couldn't stand it anymore". I told her she was the single worst thing that's ever happened to me. She broke down and cried. We slept together that night for the last time as my plane was scheduled within a few days, but I didn't want to share a bed with her. I didn't even want her to be near me. I cried a lot. She didn't seem to be that affected anymore. I told her I could not keep contact with her and I made her remove me from all social medias and chat programs. She convinced me it wasn't about her ex, but about my personality and my "many flaws". According to her, I had failed to make her feel good, because I was demanding she'd stop talking to her ex and other friends, which was a lie. On my way at the airport, I feel down on an escalator, slicing up my right knee. I wasn't attended, and I had to soak all the blood with my right sock, and tie the wound with a bandage I had in my backpack. I flew with an open would for x hours. I ended up with 8 stitches and 3 months of recovery before I could walk normally again. The scar is still there. She never bothered to see if I was alive or not. She never bothered to see if I had made it okay. We only met on the same game we used to play, and she acted as if she didn't know me, saying "thanks" for having made a good play and stuff like that. I couldn't believe it. At some point in January, I tried to add her. She accepted and told me I had abused her emotionally and that I had played with her feelings. She never stopped to think about what she did to me. She ended up removing me again. At around February, I found out she had gone back to her ex. Yesterday I tried talking to her again. She didn't accept my requests. I can't help but feel guilty about what I said, and I feel I need to keep up my promise of never letting her go, which I made to her at some point. I know I am being unreasonable, but I don't know how to move on. I feel obligated to keep trying. I started seeing another girl, and I fear telling her about my past girlfriends might drive her away from me, so there's also that. What do I do?
Telemachus Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 You should make yourself in to the best person you can possibly be, and make the world a better place through your actions. You should not keep trying to insert yourself into the life of someone who doesn't want you in hers. You should not tell someone you're seeing about past girlfriends. People who talk about past romantic partners are usually either bragging about how great they were or saying bad things about them, and both of those things are a huge turn-off to someone new in your life. You included several references to Facebook. If things involving Facebook are a recurring problem in your life, you should stop using Facebook. Facebook is mentioned in a great and increasing number of divorce filings - some people derive mostly pleasure from it, and others mostly pain. You are probably in the latter category, whether you realize it or not.
Altair0770 Posted April 11, 2017 Posted April 11, 2017 Bro you and I need to have a beer. Sounds like this girl has really bad insecurities and also unresolved trauma. My ex was sexually abused as a child, and I became a trigger to her PTSD. I can feel proud I saved her life by telling her to go to therapy (though with how much she lies I doubt she's still going). I had to sit in front of a mirror saying "I didn't abuse her" to remove guilt even though I did nothing wrong. Had nightmares where I actually did. Continuous nightmares where I was stuck in a cage and she'd stab me with a knife and say, "it's not your fault". Also ones where I couldn't stop her from getting abused. I gave my everything to that relationship (it too was on an online game). I was told, "it's not you I promise". Big ****ing lie. How do you move on? It's tough, but know you had nothing to do with it. Don't feel guilty because you can't change the past. Don't feel guilty if someone that can't swim jumps in the ocean willingly and drowns. It's a tough road to follow, especially when you did nothing wrong and you just happened to get feelings for someone that is filled with toxin. It'll be a tough road, but ignore all her requests to talk and don't reach out to her. Maybe it's easier for us because we don't see our ex physically ever.
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