noname Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius Your perceptions may be off, so I wouldn't assume this. There are lots of possibilities. I tend to agree with your b/f about the time involved before taking things very seriously. I like to have several yearly cycles pass so that I can tell whether the mere passage of time will indicate whether its time to get out. So that alone is not that wacky. He does like you, he's a little unsure about the instant family issue (and its only been a year); he is kind enough to your child that he doesn't want to jump in where it might damage the child if he has to jump out. Other than that, he seems a little emotionally powerless as to his independence, which is what he is talking about. I love my g/f to death, but I really don't like doing my errands with her or feeling as if I must prefer to do them with her. Lastly, you note that he is inexperienced, which puzzles me since most men who hold things to a simmer for a long time usually have discovered that as soon as his independence is gone is when she stops liking him as much. Your b/f is, in some sense, doing what all sensible men do: make it last. So really the only question is, are you having a good time and do you see a long term future with him, on common ground? i would have to agree. aside from him saying hurtful things, i'd say that he is pretty normal. five years to decide what you are going to be doing "till death does you part" is not a bad time investment. and needing alone time, whether it be for errands or just plain sitting on the couch, is essential... he is probably a little scared about taking on someone elses child, which is a big deal. however, he should not say things like he is not ok with it until he gets married. that is plain stupid and you need to let him know that as a single mother, being with someone who is uncomfortable enough with dating someone with a child that they hide it from people makes you feel very wary. that alone should be you red flag. now i don't know any other history as to why you feel he is unhappy. and i do understand your frustration with not feeling validated. however, most of the behavior that you are talking about seems to arise out of you two just having different opinions on how these things should proceed. have you sat down and just talked about your views without it being confrontational?
crazy_grl Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 Thank you both!! I totally agree. the confusing part is that he says things like "One day, I'll be used to it" or "okay with it", and "one day when we're married ___ wont bother me"....but apparently thats like 4 years in the future!!! I just dont think I can waste more time waiting for him to become the wonderful person i know he'll be. What the hell does "one day I'll be more comfortable w/ you having a daughter" mean!?!?!? I'm supposed to wait for that miraculous day?!? You're absolutely right. If this is the way things are now, it's probably the way things will be when/if you got married. He's promising you some miraculous change in the future, but making no effort to do it now. Chances are it ain't gonna happen. So, did you talk to him? How did it go?
Author clandestinidad Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 Well....we talked and understood where each other was coming from. He said that he needs to work on listening/validating me, and other things. He said that he does accept my daughter, especially since he started telling all of his friends that I have her. He said that it was so uncomfortable 'living a lie', and that now that he's told people its easier for him to be closer to her. Anyway, I thought things were going to get better. He seemed to give her more attention and have fun w/ her. Until last night. My daughter calls him "Paca" (we think she got it from the word Alpaca, b/c we talk about them). All day she was asking 'where's paca'. Later when she was eating dinner she asked, and I said he was coming over. She was so excited! Said 'paca hug'...then kiss...anyway, I had told him that she was asking for him before he got here. So, he comes in and she is so happy to see him. All she got was a little half-hug/pat on the back. Then he was walking around for some reason, and she kept calling him. All he did was glance and gave a brush-off wave. I reminded him that she was excited to see him...he didnt do anything. I was getting irritated b/c she really wanted more from him. I dont know if I experienced this when I was little, or if I can just empathize....but to be so excited to see someone all day, and then they give you the brush off sucks a$$. Anyway, I said that she wanted more interaction, and he started arguing/defending...when all I wanted him to do was shut up and DO it for her sake! Anyway, they interacted more while I was out of the room so thats good. My problem with it is that he started arguing w/ me again! I said what I thought/felt, and he just comes back w/ stuff! Its so frustrating! So, after she was in bed we had an argument. He basically said that to greet her with a hug and what-not is too father-like. I said that just b/c you are nice and pay attention and show someone youre happy to see them doesnt make you their father! I said that she wanted to see you all day, and was so happy when she did, and you brushed her off. And that it hurts, and that she'll learn NOT to expect anything from you. He said that he's not going to bond with her unless/until he knows that he and I are going to get married. I said that we're never going to get married unless he bonds with her before then! I basically told him that since he's so paranoid about being a father that he's going to treat her like that, then he should leave my house. I'm not going to be with someone who's so fu(kin9 against being a father that it hurts my daughter. I should clarify that I dont want/expect him to be her father right now, but I DO expect that he treat her nicely, as most other people would treat a child! Especially if you've been dating the person for a year!!! I understand where he's coming from in this. But I also understand what it means to my daughter, and how it affects HER is much more important than how his immature a$$ feels about it. (i've always been extremely protective of people...which explains my reaction to this situation) Anyway, I finished making him his delicious dinner, and served him his plate with attitude like the nice girl I am (hahaha....kill 'em with kindness huh)
DacaInaru Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 cut him lose now.. trust me.. you are only setting yourself and your daughter up for misery.. my ex who is not my daughter's father.. during our relationship and marriage would only be kind to my daughter in my face.. and when i was mad at him.. as a way to convince me not to drop him like a hot potato... later I came to realize he was being down right mean to my daughter and even went so far as to hit her during one of my arguements with him.. he was lucky he walked out of my house in one piece. trust me.. its okay for us as adults to hurt.. but totally unfair for our kids to be caught in the cross fire.. don't make the same mistake I did..
Author clandestinidad Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 I forgot to add some things: On sunday when we talked, he also said that he doesnt have a problem w/ kids, or if the person he's dating has a child...and he used the example of the girl he 'dated' long distance and never met: she supposedly got raped (i say supposedly b/c she lied a lot) and got pregnant, and he was going to keep talking to her/wanted to marry her. So, this is really confusing with the situation that happened last night. Also, he told me that he did somehting he promised he wouldnt...he searched and found out what website I posted stuff on (LS) and read all of my posts. I'm still not sure what I think about that, but after this thread I'll post as a diff. person when I need to talk about him
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 All she got was a little half-hug/pat on the back. Then he was walking around for some reason, and she kept calling him. All he did was glance and gave a brush-off wave. I reminded him that she was excited to see him...he didnt do anything. He is showing you with his actions that he doesn't care about your daughters feelings and won't communicate with her on her level. This will just get worse and your daughter will get hurt more in the process. He is not ready for a family..or to be a father. Even though you are not married he still has to show that he has the ability to be your daughters step parent one day. A step father is just as much a father as the biological father.. even morso at times because the step parent is normally in the child's life more than the biological dad is.. Dump Him.. I'm suprised you didn't do that already as you seem to have your screwed on straight about your child
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 I forgot to add some things: On sunday when we talked, he also said that he doesnt have a problem w/ kids, or if the person he's dating has a child...and he used the example of the girl he 'dated' long distance and never met: she supposedly got raped (i say supposedly b/c she lied a lot) and got pregnant, and he was going to keep talking to her/wanted to marry her. So, this is really confusing with the situation that happened last night. Also, he told me that he did somehting he promised he wouldnt...he searched and found out what website I posted stuff on (LS) and read all of my posts. I'm still not sure what I think about that, but after this thread I'll post as a diff. person when I need to talk about him He does have a problem with kids.. you see it...everyone else can see it... he doesn't You don't need to think... Dump him.. What an invasion of privacy. This is only the beginning of what he is like..
Author clandestinidad Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 I know what youre saying...and youre right. I'm really gonna have to do something about this Also, after he read all my posts, he figured out my email address and looked through my messages. He justified this ("at the time") by saying that it was the same thing as when I've looked at his incoming/outgoing phonecalls.....although probably wrong, I certainly didnt listen to everything that was said, did I And he's also said that he'll be more comfortable w/ her when she's like 6, and doesnt need me as much, and doesnt throw fits and stuff.....HA, yeah right. I figure that at this point, if we stayed together, got married at some point, and he acted better towards her, I'd think he was just "acting" and building resentment towards my daughter and I....as if he got stuck, or something like that The interesting thing is that he thought he'd get crap from his friends about dating someone w/ a kid, but when he told them they were more mad at him that he didnt tell them until now. And that it explained why he & I didnt talk/go out with them very much...b/c apparently before then they thought it was ME being a bit(h and not wanting anything to do w/ them!!! So, his friends really didnt care at all....he's the only one that does
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 Also, after he read all my posts, he figured out my email address and looked through my messages. He justified this ("at the time") by saying that it was the same thing as when I've looked at his incoming/outgoing phonecalls.....although probably wrong, I certainly didnt listen to everything that was said, did I Oh my... lookout for yourself girl.. It is escalating before your eyes.. It is not justified.. your just dating.. and now he had invaded your email.. He is going to be tuff to get rid of..
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 And he's also said that he'll be more comfortable w/ her when she's like 6, and doesnt need me as much, and doesnt throw fits and stuff He is not very mature is he ?
Author clandestinidad Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 He is not very mature is he ? LOL.....nope Which explains why I'll probably stick to people in their late 20's/30's after this, and hope that they dont have weird problems.
noname Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by noname i would have to agree. aside from him saying hurtful things, i'd say that he is pretty normal. five years to decide what you are going to be doing "till death does you part" is not a bad time investment. and needing alone time, whether it be for errands or just plain sitting on the couch, is essential... he is probably a little scared about taking on someone elses child, which is a big deal. however, he should not say things like he is not ok with it until he gets married. that is plain stupid and you need to let him know that as a single mother, being with someone who is uncomfortable enough with dating someone with a child that they hide it from people makes you feel very wary. that alone should be you red flag. now i don't know any other history as to why you feel he is unhappy. and i do understand your frustration with not feeling validated. however, most of the behavior that you are talking about seems to arise out of you two just having different opinions on how these things should proceed. have you sat down and just talked about your views without it being confrontational? sometimes you have to go back and eat your own words... munch... munch... so you have to be a father to acknowledge a child these days, hugh? how come nobody ever keeps me up to speed? and you know what? being the tolerant man i am, i was willing to look past all that ... until i read about him going through your personal stuff. sounds like you need to send ole "paca" a'packin'...
Mary3 Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 First of all , you are very pretty and a loving mom. I once went out on a date with a man who had 2 boys but he would go on the date(s) without his children and would not introduce his boys to his dates for fear that the relationship would end and hurt his boys. He was the happy single guy who dated * just for fun *. Your bf sounds like he has not bonded completely with your child. And looking back it takes time for the bonding process for which you as a mom have bonded with your child since birth. I understand you wish you had some nights free and I understood what you meant earlier. I don't know how you will get this man or any man to accept the complete package unless they are willing to really *DO* so. I am not sure what to advise you here except if he is worth it to take some more time. But honestly if he accepts you then he accepts her and thats the only condition there can be. Good Luck
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