clandestinidad Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 I think I'm venting here, but I do want opinions: My boyfriend and I have been having some issues. Weve been together 1 year, and he doesnt accept the fact that I have a daughter. He just told his best friend yesterday that I do!!!! He and his parents were originally worried that i was looking for a daddy for her, or to take his 'nonexistant' money....anyway, i guess we're done with that part of it, but he's still uncomfortable with it all. He seems to think that our relationship has to go at a snails pace. Whenever we seem to move forward he jumps back...I've been able to tell for months now that he doesnt like our relationship....which makes me react badly, of course. So, i've said in other threads that he says mean things whenever i try to get some understanding for how i think/feel about things, he's very immature, never really had a relationship before, etc....so if you want more background, you can look there..... He thinks that people should date for like 5 years, and then get married. He thinks that after being w/ someone for 1 year it shouldnt be very different from the beginning of it, in regards to time spent together, discussing plans together, shouldnt have to tell me what he's going to do or when, shouldnt have to 'check in'....etc. He thinks that these things happen as soon as you get engaged or married. I really think the opposite of all that. I think they happen way before then, gradually. We just dont seem on the same page at all. I'm not saying that i want to spend every damn second with him, or run his life, or anything along those lines...but I should be important enough to be included in things without having it be a hassle to him Anyway, he wants to start spending less time together b/c when he's with me "He cant do anything that he wants to, or needs to do", he "gives up all these things" to be with me...blah blah blah. That makes me feel really guilty, and like I'm a hassle to spend time with...like its MY fault that he doesnt clean his apartment or go cycling or something He has a LOT of time during the week to get things done. He can do things after work, and then come over (not every day of course, but I do like 4/5 days of the week)...also, every 1,3,5th weekends he has 3 hours on saturday and 3 hours sunday to do the things he wants to without me. He was talking about how he cant run errands and other things!!! I pointed out that he does have time, and that whenever we're in the car and go run my errands he never says what he needs to do. I also pointed out that he has LOTS of time to get things done, but when it comes to actually getting it done, he does other things (sitting around, wasting time somehow) ...so, earlier he was saying that its not enough time, and he wants more. And that if things dont change (meaning me) then we wont be together next week So, I said "well, I cant guarantee that rapid of a change so see ya" and he said bye, and I hung up He tried calling a bit ago, but i didnt answer What do yall think about this?? Am I wrong?
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 ...I've been able to tell for months now that he doesnt like our relationship....which makes me react badly, of course. based on this alone, i don't think you're wrong. i am unsure why you're still with him, to be honest. he sounds like a creep.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Doesn't sound to me that you broke up.. He is weaning himself off you though.. Personally if I was in your shoes I would let the guy go with his nonexistant money and find someone else.. You have a child.. and that is what should be your foremost priority in any of your relationships, If he can't cut it.. bye bye then.
Author clandestinidad Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 Thank you both!! I totally agree. the confusing part is that he says things like "One day, I'll be used to it" or "okay with it", and "one day when we're married ___ wont bother me"....but apparently thats like 4 years in the future!!! I just dont think I can waste more time waiting for him to become the wonderful person i know he'll be. What the hell does "one day I'll be more comfortable w/ you having a daughter" mean!?!?!? I'm supposed to wait for that miraculous day?!?
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 ick. you know what, kat? i think you should pick up and go somewhere sunny and happy where people are nice to you and you are treated like you deserve to be treated. it seems to me like you are just surrounded by people who are total a-holes. i say, lose them all, and let them eat your dust. good grief. how much crap does one very nice person have to deal with?
FataMorgana Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Hi. sorry to hear. You are not wrong, it just sounds like you and him have different expectations and perceptions of where your relationship is at. Sounds like you want to be more commited whilst he might be scared of this and is finding excuses to back out a bit. Unfortunately can't force him to be there with you if he doesn't want to. And the more you try, the more I think he will be inclined to back off.... not a nice situation to be in. Maybe both of you need to work out where you are at in this relashionship and where do you see it going in the 4 years you mention.... that is if you want to hang aroung that long...doesn't sound like he's worth it tho, sorry to say.
Author clandestinidad Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 how much crap does one very nice person have to deal with? Thank you so much...I can be an awful b1tch at times though I havent even begun to talk about my abusive scary ex husband, who is MAKING my daughter (who has some problems) be alone w/ him....she doesnt know him, doesnt trust him, and doesnt want to be around him....and she & I, and her therapists, have to deal w/ the repurcussions of what he does to her But anyway, this guy isnt an a**h*** all the time.....just when I open my mouth to tell him that he hurt my feelings or what i think/feel about something. He doesnt understand that I'm just telling him so that he'll understand me and hopefully not do it again. He doesnt understand that I just want to be HEARD and VALIDATED, even though I told him. Other than that, we have a blast together. I guess we're better friends than anything else....which reminds me of something he said. He said that people are supposed to marry their best friend (which i agree with), and as we talked about it further I realized that he meant living as actual friends and companions....just someone to have fun with/hang out with....ideally with none of the 'discussions', feelings, etc that exist in a normal partnership. I told him to marry a guy then
SoftDrink Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 Thank you so much...I can be an awful b1tch at times though I havent even begun to talk about my abusive scary ex husband, who is MAKING my daughter (who has some problems) be alone w/ him....she doesnt know him, doesnt trust him, and doesnt want to be around him....and I have to deal w/ the repurcussions of what he does to her But anyway, this guy isnt an a**h*** all the time.....just when I open my mouth to tell him that he hurt my feelings or what i think/feel about something. He doesnt understand that I'm just telling him so that he'll understand me and hopefully not do it again. He doesnt understand that I just want to be HEARD and VALIDATED, even though I told him. Other than that, we have a blast together. I guess we're better friends than anything else....which reminds me of something he said. He said that people are supposed to marry their best friend (which i agree with), and as we talked about it further I realized that he meant living as actual friends and companions....just someone to have fun with/hang out with....ideally with none of the 'discussions', feelings, etc that exist in a normal partnership. I told him to marry a guy then can you get some agreement to keep your daughter away from her abusive father?? eesh. and as for the "he's not an a**h*** all the time" thing, well that's a good thing. but the way you describe it seems like the minute you have a concern or a need that has to be met somehow is when he turns into one. so as for friends...i think he seems like more of one of the "fair weather" kind of friends. he's great when all is good, but when there's an issue that concerns him making some sort of effort to make you happy, here comes the a**h***. that's not a friend OR someone worth marrying...that's a total tool, unworthy of your respect. and i am sure you can be a bytch sometimes, who's not? not to mention that the amount of crap you're put through most of the time would make even mother theresa's head spin and spit pea soup.
Author clandestinidad Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 not to mention that the amount of crap you're put through most of the time LOL....I dont usually realize how much there is...I think I'm used to it. And I dont want to come off as someone who's a victim all the time, ya know...I used to hit my sister when we were younger, I've been known to throw things, I hate it when things dont go my way, Im very confrontational/abrasive, etc....so I'm not 'poor little Kat23 who does nothing wrong, and everyone hurts her' he's great when all is good, but when there's an issue that concerns him making some sort of effort to make you happy, here comes the a**h***. Thats totally true. Everything everyone has said is true. Are these things that people grow out of, or is it engrained in their character (or lack of)
DacaInaru Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 ok.. as a single mother.. here is my take.. any man who so much as has a slight thought against my child is a no go.. when you have a child.. its a package deal.. and 1. they can either except that or move on.. if your child is an issue for him.. well RUN don't walk to the nearest exit.. you don't need someone who is not going to be respectful to your kid or the fact that you have a child.. so I concure with the "He's a Creep" thinking and point blank he also seems to be an A$$ in my opionion.. you can do better.
Author clandestinidad Posted July 30, 2005 Author Posted July 30, 2005 He tried calling me last night, but I didnt answer. He tried IM-ing me a few times last night too, but I didnt respond. I figured I'd see what was up, so I tried calling twice a few min ago...he didnt answer. hahahahaha....(but a little sad too)
SoftDrink Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 He tried calling me last night, but I didnt answer. He tried IM-ing me a few times last night too, but I didnt respond. I figured I'd see what was up, so I tried calling twice a few min ago...he didnt answer. hahahahaha....(but a little sad too) sorry, kat. i hope it works out...in, like, whatever way is good for you...
Author clandestinidad Posted July 30, 2005 Author Posted July 30, 2005 Thats what I thought too. I'm actually wondering what he's doing tonight...b/c he doesnt really have anyone in town (but there are some friends in a nearby college town....thats fun to think about) I really think the only thing I'm sad about is loneliness....I dont have anyone other than my daughter. Maybe thats why I was/am (?) with him......anyway, I'm going to sleep now so I dont have to think about this anymore
westernxer Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 I really think the only thing I'm sad about is loneliness....I dont have anyone other than my daughter. Maybe thats why I was/am (?) with him... There you go. Please don't settle, no matter what your situation happens to be. Your daughter deserves better.
Author clandestinidad Posted July 30, 2005 Author Posted July 30, 2005 Greeeeaaaat (sarcastic tone)....he called and is coming over in a little while. I hate things like this. I wrote down everything i wanted to say so i can keep it all straight......bleh....I guess if we dont agree on some key things it will have to be over. My main problems are: Insecurity that he'd rather be with someone who doesnt have a child Insecurity that we're not going to be together unless he isnt bothered that I have a child which leads to worrying that wanting more and more time away from me means that he's backing off, doesnt want to be with me Sometimes I wish I didnt have her, so I could be spontaneous and do whatever I wanted whenever he seemed more into a girl he had a year-long long distance relationship with, but never met in person (wanted to marry her, was there for her, sent her presents, etc), but with me he feels like listening/understanding means "bending over, taking it up the __" and "losing" (like its a win/lose situation) ...he says that he got burned so bad by her using him that he's never going to be in that position again I dont know if that made any sense.....anyway, does anyone male/female have anything they think I should say? Maybe phrases that have worked before to get someone to understand that most females just need to be heard/understood? Or anything else. B/c if not with me, he needs to learn critical things for whoever he's with
DacaInaru Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 Sometimes I wish I didnt have her, so I could be spontaneous and do whatever I wanted whenever WOW.. you know great that your being honest here.. but.. as a single mother.. My daughter didn't choose to come into this earth.. I brought her into it and i and her father are responsible for bringing her here.. Never in a million years would I ever even consider her being out of my life. as a matter of fact she is my life a big part of my life and if some idiot man can't accept that then I rather get rid of him then of my child. Be careful what you wish for.. god forbid some thing happen to your daughter you'd regret your words till your dying day. My suggestion is that you need to love yourself and your child first and formost.. who ever cant deal with that cut em lose they aren't worth it..
DacaInaru Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 does anyone male/female have anything they think I should say? Maybe phrases that have worked before to get someone to understand that most females just need to be heard/understood? Try "There's the door a$$wipe don't let it hit you where the good lord split you" do I sound bitter?? na.. just hate when men make women feel like they are doing them a favor by being with them. and women who believe it.
Author clandestinidad Posted July 30, 2005 Author Posted July 30, 2005 Yeah, I guess I should have worded that very differently...I only meant that sometimes I miss being able to go do something without having to organize it all first. I've never actually wished I didnt have her, or that she didnt exist, and I realize that the way I worded it sounded like I do. I do think its understandable to sometimes wish you could have your spontanaity back for a weekend or 2....like, 'hey lets go camping tomorrow' and be able to go do it. Its really hard to have a relationship with someone who wants to be alone w/ you without her around. Neither of us want him to be her daddy right now, but isnt there SOME way to have a relationship with someone without him being her parent? I'd like to know in case I ever date anyone else (are there any good books about how to date/who to date when you have kids??) Also, the other day he said that he wanted me to sleep at HIS place more. I said that I couldnt unless my daughter slept there too. He said he'd think about it But yeah, if he doesnt want to accept it and get on the ball then we're done
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 Its really hard to have a relationship with someone who wants to be alone w/ you without her around. this is very telling.. When I was dating my then wife she had a 4 year old daughter that was on about 90% our dates. Of course that was after the alone dates till we got to know each other.. But after that you have to work as a unit ( 3 of you ). If I had not looked at it as a picture with the 3 of us we would never had made far enough to get married.. The divorce is a different story all together.. ha If he isn't going to recogonize that he in a sense is dating the both of you then he will alway's feel that way and the issue will grow larger.
westernxer Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by kat23 Its really hard to have a relationship with someone who wants to be alone w/ you without her around. No doubt, but it's not so complicated if he understands you have a child to care for. This is why I don't date women with kids. Not saying I never will, but I usually keep my distance. It's better than stringing someone along for selfish reasons. Don't let this bring you down... you look very happy in your pic, holding your daughter, no doubt. Do you smile like this when you're with him? Does he smile in return? If not, he's gotta go...
FataMorgana Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Don't let this bring you down... you look very happy in your pic, holding your daughter, no doubt. Do you smile like this when you're with him? Does he smile in return? If not, he's gotta go... I agree. Kat you seem to be such a lovely person, if he doesn't realise how lucky he is to have you AND your daughter in his life..... well, better find someone who does Maybe you should discuss this with him before you let him go.. how did you go the other night, have you talked to him?
Cecelius Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by SoftDrink based on this alone, i don't think you're wrong. i am unsure why you're still with him, to be honest. he sounds like a creep. Your perceptions may be off, so I wouldn't assume this. There are lots of possibilities. I tend to agree with your b/f about the time involved before taking things very seriously. I like to have several yearly cycles pass so that I can tell whether the mere passage of time will indicate whether its time to get out. So that alone is not that wacky. He does like you, he's a little unsure about the instant family issue (and its only been a year); he is kind enough to your child that he doesn't want to jump in where it might damage the child if he has to jump out. Other than that, he seems a little emotionally powerless as to his independence, which is what he is talking about. I love my g/f to death, but I really don't like doing my errands with her or feeling as if I must prefer to do them with her. Lastly, you note that he is inexperienced, which puzzles me since most men who hold things to a simmer for a long time usually have discovered that as soon as his independence is gone is when she stops liking him as much. Your b/f is, in some sense, doing what all sensible men do: make it last. So really the only question is, are you having a good time and do you see a long term future with him, on common ground?
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 What happened Kat ? are you still together ?
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