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Is chemistry in love overrated? How long did it take to know you are "in love"

reeseyummy

By reeseyummy
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reeseyummy Member

reeseyummy

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As topic, do you guys think chemistry in love is overrated?

Like, you should know "instantly" if you are attracted to the person or not?

Or, can attraction develop in time?

 

I just feel like the world is moving too fast, if you don't have the "click" on the first couple dates, you immediately write the person off. Hence, some of the awesome relationships among friends are always people who have strong chemistry at first sight, or a very early stage.

 

How long did it take you guys to know you're in love?

 

I'm dating a guy, we're on the 4th date, and I feel he's okay, we are getting to know each other more. However, he's taking things really slow, I really don't know should I continue seeing this guy? or just write him off?

pc31 Established Member

pc31

Posted
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I typically know if i am interested in a guy romantically on the 1st or 2nd date. Yes, you can tell if you have chemistry or not quite early on.

 

But from chemistry to truly being in love is a long journey. For me, love is somewhat a decision. And so typically it takes around 3 to 6 months to know whether or not I love this person.

  • Like 3
SWIPE_ME_NOT Member

SWIPE_ME_NOT

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As pc31 said its different for everyone.

 

For me love is not a decision its a emotional connection that just happens. I know when i feel it and it usually happens fast.

 

I fell completely for the woman im dating now after the second date :love:

 

Pretty much i can tell if i have chemistry with someone almost instantly. I either feel it or i don't.

Mkn1010 Established Member

Mkn1010

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Yes, chemistry is overrated and many psychologists have written about it actually being a red flag. Google it!

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Chemistry & love are vastly different things.

 

 

I believe in chemistry. I needed that zing the first time I laid eyes on somebody. The few times I tried to date without feeling it, we never made it past the first or second date because I could not even kiss the guy

 

 

Just because I felt all tingly did not mean I was in love. Chemistry & sex appeal are exciting & wild. Love is quiet & strong. It takes a while to develop.

 

 

Generally it took me a while to fall in love: 6 months to a year. Infatuation was easy. With my husband, love came more quickly, about 6 weeks in, when he did an extraordinary thing for me. Still I didn't trust it for a while because my head kept telling me it was too fast. I kept the breaks on & watched our actions.

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Knix Established Member

Knix

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I've been told it's possible to let things grow on you. But most of my dating life has been online, so I quickly know in meeting them that this will or won't work.

 

My mother said that her fiancé wasn't the type of guy she'd normally go for, and her past relationships were all really toxic. Her fiancé is the total opposite and it's so wonderful.

 

I would say in that scenario, when you are attracted to the wrong types of people, letting someone grow on you might be an option. Don't take too long though, because that person has feelings too.

joseb Established Member

joseb

Posted
Posted

I just feel like the world is moving too fast, if you don't have the "click" on the first couple dates, you immediately write the person off. Hence, some of the awesome relationships among friends are always people who have strong chemistry at first sight, or a very early stage.

 

...

 

 

How long did it take you guys to know you're in love?

 

You are talking about two completely different things.

 

For me, I know within seconds, or maybe minutes, if I'm attracted to someone or not.

 

But in love? That can take 6-12 months easily.

 

I don't think it's overrated really, you do need to be attracted to someone to be in a non platonic relationship.

The problem comes when people confuse these feelings for love.

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GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

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Attraction can grow for sure though I certainly know straight away if I am totally not attracted to someone and never would be but for it to grow there HAS to be SOMETHING there that I'm initially attracted to.

 

Chemistry comes next and pretty soon after (or not) and that's whether we gel or not - talking easily, getting each other's teasing, flirting etc.

 

Love takes a lot longer and is a slow burn - a good 6-12 months for me.

Gemma1 Established Member

Gemma1

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Posted (edited)

I don't think love, the way it's been described so far in this thread, is a real thing. I think you choose to love people. There is a baseline level of attraction that you need, but beyond that point, it's all about making a choice to love someone.

 

Now, attachment can grow over time. You grow attached to people because of time spent with them and how interwoven your lives become. But I don't think there's a point where you are suddenly "in love." You just become more and more attached. Loving someone is putting their needs at least on level with yours and choosing to prioritize them. That's a choice, it's not a magical event.

 

Regarding chemistry - I think if chemistry is another word for attraction, then yes it can grow. Most of my relationships have been with people that I didn't instantly consider as a dating possibility. They all meet a baseline level of attractive, but beyond that - the things that make me attracted to someone (feel the butterlies) take time to know. It can't possibly happen instantly.

 

I think for some people, chemistry/attraction does happen instantly. It all depends on what you are attracted to. Some girls are really attracted to physical characteristics, or tones of speech, or style of dress, or the way a man carries himself in a crowd. These things are easily noticed within the first few minutes of meeting someone. But if the things that *really* make you feel the butterflies are things related to a man's personal character, that takes a while to know. For those women, attraction can grow over time. For the former women, it probably can't.

 

Now, ALL women will say that they value a man's character over his appearance or speech or dress. And that may be true. But I think we should be honest with ourselves about what really gives us those butterflies. I think if you're feeling chemistry with a man you've just met, there's a good chance that the things you're really attracted to are a bit more superficial in nature. And that's okay, it's just something to recognize about yourself and take additional steps to make sure that the man is also a good match on a deeper level.

Edited by Gemma1
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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I think it's underrated, especially for women. It is widely accepted that men are very visual, but the reality is women want to find their partner hot too.

 

I am really sad about the amount of women that chose to marry someone out of desire to be married without ever feeling that spark.

 

I cringe at the thought of even holding hands with someone I am not attracted to.

JuneL Established Member

JuneL

Posted
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I think it's underrated, especially for women. It is widely accepted that men are very visual, but the reality is women want to find their partner hot too.

 

I am really sad about the amount of women that chose to marry someone out of desire to be married without ever feeling that spark.

 

I cringe at the thought of even holding hands with someone I am not attracted to.

 

I partly agree with this. While butterflies may not sustain indefinitely, I personally need them at the initial stage to form a romantic relationship. I also sometimes wonder how some people can feel comfortable having physical intimacy with someone they never ever have butterflies with.

 

However, one (at least me personally) certainly can get butterflies from someone who is not "hot" or not even particularly good-looking in the objective sense.

  • Like 1
JuneL Established Member

JuneL

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p.s. For me personally, the pre-requisite for getting butterflies seems to be twofold: First, I need to feel very attracted to the other person; most importantly, I need to feel that the other person is very attracted to me.

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Els Established Member

Els

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Chemistry isn't everything and will not guarantee that the R will last or that it will be good for you. But it's still one of the necessary components of a happy R, IMO. The SO and I would never have been able to go through everything that we did and stay together, if we didn't feel the way that we do for each other.

 

But no, I don't think it has to be instant. It can certainly grow over a few months. Although if your first impression is a definite, 100% "no", that would be fairly unlikely.

Spring23 Established Member

Spring23

Posted
Posted
As topic, do you guys think chemistry in love is overrated?

Like, you should know "instantly" if you are attracted to the person or not?

Or, can attraction develop in time?

 

I just feel like the world is moving too fast, if you don't have the "click" on the first couple dates, you immediately write the person off. Hence, some of the awesome relationships among friends are always people who have strong chemistry at first sight, or a very early stage.

 

How long did it take you guys to know you're in love?

 

I'm dating a guy, we're on the 4th date, and I feel he's okay, we are getting to know each other more. However, he's taking things really slow, I really don't know should I continue seeing this guy? or just write him off?

 

It depends are what your goals in dating are.

 

If you're just dating for fun and don't want anything serious then you should only date men who fill you with excitement.

 

If you're looking for marriage then you need to think a bit differently. If you find this guy very boring and you have nothing in common then it's time to say good buy.

 

However, if he's not very charismatic but is down to earth, attractive and kind then you might want to hold on: This is the type you marry.

Pixie90 Member

Pixie90

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You need to have chemistry right away. Its a MUST. Fron my experience, if i dont like the person early on, i never will.

 

Falling in love. My bf and i said I love you 5 or 6 months into our relationship. Im not sure if there was an exact moment when i knew, but a lot of moments that built up to that.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted
p.s. For me personally, the pre-requisite for getting butterflies seems to be twofold: First, I need to feel very attracted to the other person; most importantly, I need to feel that the other person is very attracted to me.

 

This! The moment I know the other person doesn't feel the butterflies, I stop feeling them.

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Jammer25 Established Member

Jammer25

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Conversational chemistry is key. In the sense that you can communicate openly about pretty much anything.

 

Physical chemistry for me means affection, not just attraction.

  • Like 2
Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted
Conversational chemistry is key. In the sense that you can communicate openly about pretty much anything.

 

Physical chemistry for me means affection, not just attraction.

 

There needs to be all of that there for me. Physical attraction, affection, conversational chemistry and good morals/integrity/honesty/empathy. All of that is not negotiable.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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I know instantly. Although twice it happened after 1 date. Upon the second time I saw them.

 

Yes chemistry is over rated to some.

 

For many though, chemistry essential and they ONLY feel it instantly. This makes getting a long term relationship so hard for many; the people we are the most into are not always good partners. Nor do they always feel the spark back.

 

I have felt great chemistry without love. The potential to love grows first from compelling chemistry for me BUT it doesn't always grow. I just need the magic fireworks TO fall in love.

 

Just stick to meeting folks who share your values regarding chemistry. There was nothing worse for chemistry driven individual like myself to hear from a guy " well I didn't think you were anything special initially and I didn't fall head over heels, but you did grow on me" :sick:

 

The good thing about true chemistry is: it doesn't require your typical type. It is an energy. A connection. So you don't necessarily need the hot babe or the Brad Pitt you presumed would make your panties wet/ or get your motors running.

 

Although unfortunately some people need a jerk who isn't that into them and is a bad ass in order TO feel a spark.

 

Disinterest can oftentimes breed a spark. We want what we cannot have.

 

So yes that fake kind of chemistry IS totally over rated. Although I don't regret my decisions for a second, you do get over burning hot and heavy and thinking you're in love after the second date with a bona fide player. With these men I later realized how little true emotion was invested! Fireworks CAN lead to erroneously feeling that you're in love when you're DEFINITELY NOT

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Posted
This! The moment I know the other person doesn't feel the butterflies, I stop feeling them.

 

The moment they carry on about oh you're such a good woman, so much better than the psycho bitch with whom I fell head over heels for:sick:

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted
There needs to be all of that there for me. Physical attraction, affection, conversational chemistry and good morals/integrity/honesty/empathy. All of that is not negotiable.

 

My partner has that all. It is just SO RARE that I was happy to overlook his prior drug addiction.

 

Haven't regretted my decision to get back with him for a second. In the meanwhile, he is working hard to make his life better so that he avoids reverting back to his past behavior.

 

On the other hand, you cannot grow fireworks that are mutual nor can you try and scrape empathy and kindness and integrity out of shell that is devoid of it.

 

No one here understood my decision to take back someone with a prior drug problem but it sure beats working with a variable he CAN successfully change as opposed to settling for someone I feel less for. Who may have a perfectly clean slate.

Spring23 Established Member

Spring23

Posted
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My partner has that all. It is just SO RARE that I was happy to overlook his prior drug addiction.

 

Haven't regretted my decision to get back with him for a second. In the meanwhile, he is working hard to make his life better so that he avoids reverting back to his past behavior.

 

On the other hand, you cannot grow fireworks that are mutual nor can you try and scrape empathy and kindness and integrity out of shell that is devoid of it.

 

No one here understood my decision to take back someone with a prior drug problem but it sure beats working with a variable he CAN successfully change as opposed to settling for someone I feel less for. Who may have a perfectly clean slate.

 

You're very forgiving. A prior drug addition would be a deal breaker for me (when I was dating.) I was very conservative in my decision to marry. You cannot control for everything but you need to pay attention to basic facts.

 

Women have about a 10 year span where their beauty is the strongest and during those years their selection is the largest. After about 35 selection is very limited. Women in their 30's are competing with women in their 20's for the best long term partners. You need to be very careful your best years. If wasted on all the "firework" guys you'll find yourself alone as many of my girlfriends are now.

  • Like 1
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted
You're very forgiving. A prior drug addition would be a deal breaker for me (when I was dating.) I was very conservative in my decision to marry. You cannot control for everything but you need to pay attention to basic facts.

 

Women have about a 10 year span where their beauty is the strongest and during those years their selection is the largest. After about 35 selection is very limited. Women in their 30's are competing with women in their 20's for the best long term partners. You need to be very careful your best years. If wasted on all the "firework" guys you'll find yourself alone as many of my girlfriends are now.

 

Except I don't care if I have kids.

 

I am happier alone and waiting for amazing sparks than settl for a guy who I am not as into as prior men I've had.

 

Having a spouse that also connects with me is a bonus. I am totally fine with life long singledom and got flings with men I am actually really into.

 

The thought of having to pick a long term partner who I am not having major sparks with, and then be forced to stay with him and give up all other options..... is. DEATH sentence for me.

 

So no I don't see why you assume every women oita be happier doing it your way.

Spring23 Established Member

Spring23

Posted
Posted
Except I don't care if I have kids.

 

I am happier alone and waiting for amazing sparks than settl for a guy who I am not as into as prior men I've had.

 

Having a spouse that also connects with me is a bonus. I am totally fine with life long singledom and got flings with men I am actually really into.

 

The thought of having to pick a long term partner who I am not having major sparks with, and then be forced to stay with him and give up all other options..... is. DEATH sentence for me.

 

So no I don't see why you assume every women oita be happier doing it your way.

 

Talk to women in their 40's regarding their life and what they would do differently if they had the chance.

 

Some people can be very happy living single and having different people come in and out of their lives but that mindset is usually for men. Even if a woman makes enough money to support herself she still (usually) wants a stable partner for the long term. It has nothing to do with kids and everything to do with loneliness.

OatsAndHall Established Member

OatsAndHall

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Chemistry (or the "spark" people describe) is nothing more than a biological response and evolutionary adaptation. You're attracted to someone and your body releases feel-good hormones in response to a potential "mate".

 

Love is an emotion that takes time to grow. Love at first sight is a fantasy because you don't fall in love with a person's looks or your preconceived notion of who they are, you fall in love with their personality..

 

Yeah, chemistry is great but I keep it in check. I have been intensely attracted to several woman initally, had a good date that involved a physical contact (no sex) and great conversations. Everything seemed like it was going somewhere and the I realized after a few dates that it wasn't going to work.

 

Folks need to be careful of the notion of "chemistry" because it can blind them to red-flags that pop up quickly.

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