Sharzi Posted April 9, 2017 Posted April 9, 2017 (edited) Hi everyone, I was in a situation. I am working with a guy very closely(our department is only 6 people and I and he are on this team). I really started to have feelings for him. I came to USA 4 years ago. I am alone here, I have a friend and I dated short time some guys here, but I tried to not attach to anyone. He just divorced from his wife, but he was separated for 2 -3 years. He has a 5 years old son. He is so kind, so amazing to me. He helps me a lot. I started to like him, then I felt more than like, wanted him, I didn't know what to do, I flirt with him, he would respond, except one time. He still was kind and smiling but I felt he actually do not want this flirtation to continue. I felt embarrassed, I decided to stop, and explain to him the real reason. I told him I have crush on him, because he is nice to me, and I have too few people who are nice and caring to me right now, or ever(not a great background story in my life), but I understand if he doesn't want me, I don't need any respond. But he started to be more nice to me after the letter, he was talking about his son, his ex, his life, until one time we got into an argument(all of these happened in the office, no real date). He got distanced and I gave up. I dated another guy, he was a goo guy, he liked me, but I didn't have any feeling for him, so I ended that. I tried to do my best this time to be close to my co-worker, I was nice to him, I appreciated him, I told him I like his smell. He really showed that he liked these actions, he even did something incredible for me, he created a job, so I can apply for that job, in order to get a sponserhsip to stay in USA. It was too much, he even doesn't have that much power, and he has to deal with a lot of people to actually make that happen, but he is doing that. He still helps me, cares about, worries about me. but one night (4 months after my first letter), out of nowhere he messaged me this: You've been asking me this week if I'm alright, and I have had a lot on my mind. One thing, in particular, was about something you messaged me in October, about you having a small crush on me. You said you didn't want any answer from me, but I want to make sure we're on the same page with that subject. I think you're a wonderful person and a good friend, but I want to keep things professional, as just coworkers. I can't think about dating anyone that I work so closely with. Sorry if this seems to come out of nowhere. I might have been reading some signs wrong, and it might be completely unnecessary for me to say this, but I just wanted you to know. I told him this in answer: I appreciate your massage. I can tell you this, that all the signs you have felt and seen from me are completely true. I did all of those because I have a very strong feeling about you, and this feeling that I am talking about is much bigger than what I was telling you before as a “small crush”. If I told you it is a “small crush”, it was because I was too shy, and I didn’t know how you would react (In my culture, girl doesn’t tell a guy if she has a feeling for him). This time I want to gather all of my courage, and let you know, I have a really really really strong feeling about you and I think no one can have a feeling this strong to you as I have. But loving someone means I respect his requests and decisions. Even though this is too hard for me, I will try my best to respect your decision, and I will keep the distance as you asked. If you want to this would be my last emotional massage, then it will be. Everything depends on you, but I want you to know in the time I have been working in ORS, all the peace that I had, was from you. you are a great friend, someone who always has helped me, and listened to me. But this is not the reason I have this strong feeling for you. The reason is the beautiful and unique personality you have, your kind heart, and every beautiful and nice thing that I am seeing in you, and attract me to you. I will always care about you, but I will respect your decision, Then he responded this: I don't even know what I'd want in a relationship, from anyone. my ex and i have been separated for many years and I haven't dated anyone since then. I appreciate all your kind words , but I think it's best if we just keep things professional, as coworkers Then he didn't come to work for two days. I have never seen he gets a sick day in the year I have been working there. This was the first time. I will keep my words for sure, I will respect him, and his decisions. But I think he actually likes me. Edited April 9, 2017 by Sharzi
Author Sharzi Posted April 9, 2017 Author Posted April 9, 2017 I will respect him, but I still like him a little. I feel he likes me, otherwise, why he would do those things? Do you think he is telling the truth and the only reason he doesn't want to be with me is that we are a co-worker. I even don't get why he messaged me after 4 months. Why?
Scarlett.O'hara Posted April 9, 2017 Posted April 9, 2017 Honestly, I think your feelings for him were probably becoming too obvious to ignore. Flirtations in the workplace can be harmless fun, but once the line has been crossed it can start to cause problems. Perhaps other coworkers had noticed as well which made him feel uncomfortable. Whatever the reason, it got to a point where he needed to make it clear where you stand with each other. He wants to be coworkers only. As painful as it is to hear, you need to believe him. It was appropriate to say you will respect his decision, but you also went on to say that you don't just have a small crush on him, you're basically in love with him. I understand why you felt the need to tell him how much care, but from his perspective, it was probably the last thing he needed to hear. He clearly has boundaries at work that he doesn't want to cross. Now that he knows how strong your feelings are, he might be worried that you may not take no for an answer. He may not know how to deal with the situation which would explain why he took some time off. I would take this as a clear indication that it made him uncomfortable. I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear but if you value your job then you really need to find a way to keep things professional. 1
pc31 Posted April 9, 2017 Posted April 9, 2017 (edited) I will respect him, but I still like him a little. I feel he likes me, otherwise, why he would do those things? Do you think he is telling the truth and the only reason he doesn't want to be with me is that we are a co-worker. I even don't get why he messaged me after 4 months. Why? Well, I dated my co-workers before. Yes you read it right, co-workerS. And I know many people who got engaged and married to co-workers (yes, in the same department, same team, etc.) My friends, my dates and I all work in super professional jobs. And we are a very international bunch too, so it's not like this kind of thing varies depending on the culture or whatever. As a result, whatever reason your co-worker has, it is definitely not because of work. I advise you to take him for his words. Edited April 9, 2017 by pc31 1
FoundLove Posted April 9, 2017 Posted April 9, 2017 You will have to listen to what he is telling you - he doesn't want a relationship with you.
Author Sharzi Posted April 9, 2017 Author Posted April 9, 2017 You will have to listen to what he is telling you - he doesn't want a relationship with you. I know what you mean and I understand. I still to hear this from someone.
d0nnivain Posted April 9, 2017 Posted April 9, 2017 It doesn't matter if he likes you. He has a bright line rule: No dating co-workers. The circumstances of you on a 6 person team mean for his personal code of ethics he won't touch you. Don't try to make him betray himself. Be grateful that he's cautious & forthright. If you can't stand the thought of not dating him, get a new job. The week after you start working at the new company ask him out. If he says yes, it really was the circumstances of your employment together. If he says no, the job was just an excuse. Either way, you will be away from him & it will be easier to heal.
Author Sharzi Posted April 9, 2017 Author Posted April 9, 2017 It doesn't matter if he likes you. He has a bright line rule: No dating co-workers. The circumstances of you on a 6 person team mean for his personal code of ethics he won't touch you. Don't try to make him betray himself. Be grateful that he's cautious & forthright. If you can't stand the thought of not dating him, get a new job. The week after you start working at the new company ask him out. If he says yes, it really was the circumstances of your employment together. If he says no, the job was just an excuse. Either way, you will be away from him & it will be easier to heal. Thanks. I am looking for a new job, not because of him. I think I am done with the feeling with him, I have the feeling still, but I don't care to have anything with him anymore. I just want to go someplace new. Everything there is still exhausting for me. He still comes and complements me, my clothes, my hair. He still is showing he cares. I cannot stand that anymore. It is fake, he just doesn't want to understand I cannot stand to treated nice, and don't have the feeling for the person. I hate his actions, I wish he act like his words.
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