Ebba Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now. Long distance which has been hard, but only after one month of dating and both of us falling in love very deeply, he had a meltdown (induced by alcohol) and would say things like "What can I possibly give you" "You're going to get bored of me" "You deserve better" while crying and clearly very scared of losing love or perhaps uncomfortable with all the emotions and maybe losing control. He has said so many times over the course of our relationship that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that I'm the one, etc. I don't doubt his feelings, but I don't understand why he has also continued to say at his darkest hours that I deserve better. Since the time he had his first meltdown, I will admit I was in shock, but I was in the beginning stages of really falling for this person so I didn't want to believe that there could be some serious red flags coming to my attention. The red flags became worse and he has hurt me many times, but I have tried to be patient because I do feel we both love one another. He has been very insecure at times in our relationship and suffers from neurosis, the inability to control is negative thinking, fears and assumptions. At first I had the patience too re-assure him, support him, make him feel loved, but now I feel drained and feel so much time being waisted on his intense accusations, interrogations, etc. I am tired. He says he has a hard time trusting others, but that he trusts me, but at the same time he questions me all of the time. I have never done anything wrong to him and have wanted only him, but I have caught him doing very shady things, pursuing another woman on Facebook (which he said was a mistake and it would never happen again) and even though she lived far and nothing physically happened, it still was a violation to our relationship. He wasn't being honest. I chose to forgive him and a few other incidents that were very disrespectful, but I thought maybe we could come out the other end stronger. The thing is, when he is happy, everything is great, he is a dream, he treats me so well, but when he is frustrated or angry, he is a monster. He kicks me out of his apartment when we have an argument, he uproots everything and says things he has to constantly take back. He says I deserve better. It's a constant struggle between two extremes all the time. This isn't normal behavior right? I've been in some very healthy and empowering relationships, but this just seems out of balance. Thoughts? Edited April 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redhead14 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now. Long distance which has been hard, but only after one month of dating and both of us falling in love very deeply, he had a meltdown (induced by alcohol) and would say things like "What can I possibly give you" "You're going to get bored of me" "You deserve better" while crying and clearly very scared of losing love or perhaps uncomfortable with all the emotions and maybe losing control. He has said so many times over the course of our relationship that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that I'm the one, etc. I don't doubt his feelings, but I don't understand why he has also continued to say at his darkest hours that I deserve better. Since the time he had his first meltdown, I will admit I was in shock, but I was in the beginning stages of really falling for this person so I didn't want to believe that there could be some serious red flags coming to my attention. The red flags became worse and he has hurt me many times, but I have tried to be patient because I do feel we both love one another. He has been very insecure at times in our relationship and suffers from neurosis, the inability to control is negative thinking, fears and assumptions. At first I had the patience too re-assure him, support him, make him feel loved, but now I feel drained and feel so much time being waisted on his intense accusations, interrogations, etc. I am tired. He says he has a hard time trusting others, but that he trusts me, but at the same time he questions me all of the time. I have never done anything wrong to him and have wanted only him, but I have caught him doing very shady things, pursuing another woman on Facebook (which he said was a mistake and it would never happen again) and even though she lived far and nothing physically happened, it still was a violation to our relationship. He wasn't being honest. I chose to forgive him and a few other incidents that were very disrespectful, but I thought maybe we could come out the other end stronger. The thing is, when he is happy, everything is great, he is a dream, he treats me so well, but when he is frustrated or angry, he is a monster. He kicks me out of his apartment when we have an argument, he uproots everything and says things he has to constantly take back. He says I deserve better. It's a constant struggle between two extremes all the time. This isn't normal behavior right? I've been in some very healthy and empowering relationships, but this just seems out of balance. Thoughts? What he wants and what he is able to give to and maintain for a relationship are two different things. You do deserve better . . . and he knows it. He understands and likely observes that you are putting more into the relationship than you are getting -- I feel drained -- and, perhaps on some level, settling. He's unbalanced and so is the relationship. If you are feeling drained, then you certainly are over-invested and under-rewarded. He says he has a hard time trusting others, but that he trusts me, but at the same time he questions me all of the time. -- He can't trust himself . . . therefore, everyone else is untrustworthy as well. The thing is, when he is happy -- How long does that last? And, when you string yourself along through the dark times and waiting for him to be happy . . . how does that feel? Usually, people who tolerate this are simply addicted to the "highs" and find themselves "jonesin'" til the next one. That sucks. End this now. You are losing yourself in this mess.
stillafool Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 He has probably been cheating on you and when he drinks the guilt comes out so that is why he keeps saying you deserve better. Lose him. 1
somanymistakes Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 This isn't normal and he needs therapy. You can't fix this situation by being kind and understanding - kind and understanding, without getting to the root of his problem, will make him lash out harder to drive you away.
greenbee81 Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 I've told my GF (2 months) the same thing, but she assured me that she wants to be with me.
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