A year later *kinda*

[smile]

These last few days have been awful for me. I can't stop crying and everything makes me think of him. We broke up officially a year ago and then this last year we were still kinda together, altho not according to him. I am so hurt I can't believe it.

 

I feel like an idiot because a year later here I am. I couldnt stay away I came back everytime he called me , hoping he would see how much he needed me. How happy we were together. And he saw that but said it was no reason to get back together.

 

Even tho we started talking about things and working everything out he says we just don't work. Even tho he says he loves me and felt sparks with me he has never ever felt with anyone he says we don't work. He even says I am his best friend and the one person he has a real relationship with ... but we don't work.

 

I am just so hurt that he would do this to me. I mean I know I came back but if he didnt want me then why did he keep me around? Did he really have NO idea I would think it was working itself out? That we were getting back together. I can't believe he thinks I am being unreasonable and obsessive when I say he hurt me.

 

Who is he? It's like he turned into someone else and it makes me sad. It makes me worry about him and it makes me so mad that he would just give everything up like that. And that sparkle in his eyes is gone.. he isn't happy anymore.. he isn't the same , everyone says so. And it kills me.

 

What can I do ?

[katty]

I'm sorry you are still hurting a year later. I guess you are a true example of why we must stick to NC. Your breakup is hard now bc you never did heal, its like a deep cut you get and it starts to heal and then imagine it being ripped back open again, and again and again. That is what is happening to you and your poor shattered heart. NC is hard as hell and I am a hypocrite bc I am so badly wanting to call my most recent ex but I won't. I will tell you that I broke up with a ex of mine last August (started posting here in Oct,) when he told me on the phone that he was engaged. This totally broke me, I was shattered. How could my soulmate break up with me in August and be engaged in Oct. WTF. I spent the next 6 months under a rock so to speak, I wouldn't date but the one thing I did do is I DID NOT EVER CALL THAT LITTLE MFer. I can honestly say now that I survived, now I am here again rehealing another heartache but from a new guy. I was so afraid of getting hurt again that I wouldn't give guys a chance to get close, well I finally did and now I am hurt again, but this time I know I will get thru it bc this was a shorter lived rs and we had not started discussing marriage etc. like I did with the other ex. Long story short, if you had insisted on NC you would be much better now. It is hard and I know if I had continuted to talk to my ex I would still be mourning over him today. Does this make any sense at all? I didn't sleep at all last night and this might just be a bunch of jubbled of nonsense. Just trying to tell you that if you start today practicing NC, not even being friends with the ex you will heal I promise and you will love again, I really thought I would never love again but I did, and I probably will again and again and again up until I really do find my real soulmate. Take care of yourself and stay away from ex. No phone calls, visits, being friends, etc. Do like I did and think of him like a drug that you are addicted to and if you are tempted with a drug you stay away from it other wise you are right back into the addiction. Stay away from that man, he is keeping you from finding your soulmate.

Take Care,

Kat

[Jeannie]

I dumped my ex and we went 4 months without speaking. He came back into my life and I went back to him - huge mistake. We dated another 8 months but I couldn't commit to him so he ended it with me. It wasn't the fact he ended it - it was the way he did it. After all his begging and pleading to get back together and how he kept saying I was "the one" - blah, blah, blah. He ended it and was such a major a**h*** about it I couldn't believe it. I think he got back together with me just to end up ending it himself so his ego would survive.

 

I didn't beg or plead. He said "This isn't working" and I said "So what do you want to do?". He said it was over, I said ok and it's been a month now. I'll never have the desire to call him - because I'm so disgusted over how ruthless he was about breaking up. I should have never let him back into my life - I think it was just a plan for him to turn around and hurt me.

 

I think in any relationship - if you break up at least once you should stay broken up. No need to break up if you're in a healthy relationship right? You break up because there are issues and problems. Break up and never look back and NEVER break no contact.

[smile]

ok jeanie that is kinda how it was with my ex and I . He broke up with me and then a few months later he came back. He wouldn't commit and after 9 months of bs and undefined crap I said I just couldnt do it anymore. Then he got mad at me.

 

I actually tried to do this in January and he cried and cried and asked if I wanted him to leave. He seemed crushed. He said I just can't be what you need right now I am so mixed up. And I felt so bad that I hugged him. Then he came back inside and we cried on the couch and held eachother for a long long time.

 

It's like everytime I stop talking to him or don't answer his calls he acts hurt. This guy that could sleep with me, be my best friend, and tell me these wonderful things but wouldn't commit to me has the nerve to act hurt? After I listened to all of his problems with the band and the tour and his new house and his rebound girl.. he thinks he has the right to act hurt? Seriously.

 

But I duuno if he thinks I ended it to get back at him . I didn't mean to hurt him, I never wanted to. It just came to the point where I had to do something to stop hurting me. And maybe he thinks I did it in an a**h*** way too I dont know.

 

Its just I had never even come across the idea that he may think I came back to him just so I could screw him over. I dont know your situation but lately the way my ex has been acting it seems that could be something he would say. Even if he didnt really feel it was true. Just to get rid of any guilt he may have.

[not_myself]

Smile - your situation sounds similar to mine - especially the emotional issues of the ex.

 

I broke up with my ex several times, but it was silly and we always ended up back together after a week or so - but every time less sure of where we were going. Then, last fall - almost a year ago - he broke it off with me and made it stick. I was hurt and confused, but he seemed even more so - we had limited contact, but many phone conversations he would cry, think he was going crazy, felt depressed, etc. I wanted to help and be there for him, so tried to stay friends, but he kept me at a distance, not wanting to fall back into our pattern. A few months ago we began to get closer but hadn't defined anything. Keep in mind HE was the one the broke things off - then when he found that I had gone on a weekend trip with a former flame - HE acted hurt and disappointed, saying he still loved me and missed me. But then what happened? When I took these words seriously and made myself available to him - he pushed me away again. His answer "I love you, but 'can't be with you'

 

Sounds familiar to your situation, but I think what you have to keep in mind, as I have - is that you can analyze and sort through all your own feelings, but there is NOTHING you can do about the mental state of your ex. They usually act so confusing because they ARE confused. I know my EX has some emotional issues, insecurities and committment problems, but I can't fix those. They might still love you , but unless they can sort themselves and their feelings out, there is nothing you can do -and it has nothing to do with you and your value as a person.

 

I haven't really completely figured it out either - but i do feel foolish for hanging around these past 8 months for him - the second most recent let down was so much more painful than our initial break-up....

[smile]

Yes it is more painful this last time. I do feel like an idiot for hanging around despite what everyone else said. But it is just something I have to do for me.

 

How crazy is it that they left us and are making us feel guilty? My ex called me yesterday. The first time since I told him I just couldn't be around for this bc I love him and I can't change that. And I didn't answer. I cried and cried bc it hurts.

 

I want to be there for him bc I love him. Of course he sounded sad and confused on the phone, I truly believe that is how he feels. But I can't keep going back everytime he cries bc he has not changed his mind about us and I havent had enough time away from him to deal ya know?

 

He txted me and just wrote "hello?". I had no idea what to do so I went into the bathroom, locked the door and just cried. Out of frustration, anger, confusion and such pain that I knew if I answered everything would start all over again and that isn't helping either of us.

 

My roomate is so great and she hugged me and said I needed to stay away. He needs to know that he can't just run back everytime he is sad or lonely. I deserve someone who wants to be there for me as much as wanting me there for him He needs to deal with his decisions and his decision was to break up with me. Which means if I am not his gf I should NOT be doing everything I did as his gf. And it sucks.

 

But youre right I can't fix him. I think these past few months I made things worse. He needs to handle this on his own and figure it all out on is own. My question is what do I do about the phone call? If he calls again do I answer? Do I owe him an explination, other than the email I sent him over a month ago saying I can't do this anymore and I need space if he wants me to get over him so badly?

 

Thank you by the way for saying it has nothing to do with the value of me as a person. In this time of rejection and push and pull it's hard to even believe it has nothing to do with me. I know I have to keep in mind that he is mixed up and not this maicious jerk bc if he really was that I wouldve seen it before. He told me he doesnt want to hurt me and isnt out to get me and I think he meant it.

 

He has issues and he needs to deal with them. The more cushion I give him the more he can avoid his problems. Thank you so much. It means a lot to hear from someone who knows what I am going through instead of just saying "he is a jerk get him out of your life" bc it's more complex than that. Thank you.

[not_myself]

It was good for me to read your post as well - and you're right - it is very complex and confusing.

 

My ex had a hard time as well understanding my position. When we went on our trip i put it out there: this in-between will not work for me, i w ant to seriously try our relstionship again - full effort, not half ass. He said no, but he wanted to maintain 'something' I told him then that wasn't going to work and i will have to be away from him completely. He gets upset? but then when we get back we have a dinner and some emails - then an episode and i say AGAIN, if you dont want me as a gf, I need to distance from you. He calls me the next morning and leaves a voice mail saying how much i mean to him and he hopes we can maintain a relationship. what?!? SO then in an email the next week I said it again - i am not waiting for answers form you, I need to be away from you...and then he got it. I haven't spoken to him in 2 months and it is so hard, because i really miss him, as a lover and friend. But as hard as it is - it is space we both need. It will seem weird to be not 'allowed' to contact him - almost seems childish, but in our case - when we kept in contact at all - there would always be problems and expectations - so it really has to be nothing.

 

I suggest you send him an email or letter (not talking in person or the phone - too hard!) and tell him firmly that YOU have decided for yourself that you need to make a change and be completely apart from him. You are not accepting this quasi-crap anymore, it is not what you want or need and is making you miserable. Ask him not to contact you. - this is hard because there is a good chance he will do it i t will make you feel better to take control and initiative to make a positive change for yourself. I know in those 8 months of 'hanging around' I lost alot of pride, control and self-esteem - which is SO not like me, and I hated the way i felt and was acting.

 

The distance gives you a chance to think about yourself and what you want, and what wasn't there for you in the relationship - also have some fun, date, whatever. ALso -

 

It gives him time to realize things, maybe clear his head and issues? maybe not - some people don't fix themselves.

 

I hope my ex and I can be friends at some point, but do not expect or wait for it...amd just fyi - the first month was HARD - but I feel so much better now - reclaiming my life and not have one silly man be in control of my happiness (he didn't do a good job at it anyway)

 

 

BEST of luck to you and keep us updated!

[smile]

He called me again today but I dont want to have to explain it all over again. I just can't answer. He knows. And I think its unfair that he makes me do this. He broke up with me.

 

I think we just need to not talk at all. I guess if in a week he is still trying to contact me I will send him an email but just right now I am not ready. It makes me so sad and confused everytime he calls. Especially since he prob just wants to hang out and I am totally over reacting.

 

And then today is the random day that everyone I know mentions something about him. His band, his bandmates. Even this crazy guy that used to hang out at his old job and talked to us occasionally was standing in front of my apt talking to someone that my roomate knows. He wanted to hang out at our place. ACCKKK.

 

I just feel like I want to disappear and go somewhere that I cant hear his name or worry about someone bringing him up. And why the hell does he keep calling?

 

I miss him so much and the more he calls the harder it is not to answer. Is that what he is counting on you think? Damnitt I dont know and neither does he I know I know. RRAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

[dr strangelove]

If you break up once you should stay broke up..

 

Actually studies show most people in a very long term relationship had at least one long term break up. ie around one year apart.

 

Thinking about it I only had ever had 2 real breakups with my ex

once for 6 weeks and this one right now which is coming around to the one year mark and a few weeks to the anniversary of our first meeting. Any other time we tried to break up it was more like a squabble.. and any time I tried to break up with her she wouldnt let me.. hmm

 

In any case I have no idea what will happen with SMILE I think that hes just not happy. And maybe he thinks having her not around will fix that or maybe he just needs time alone I really dont know.

 

The way I look at is she needs a label. If she can forgo that she will be just fine.

Or she just buggers off for a month...

 

dr strangelove