Rs777 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 I've been speaking to a guy I've met through a dating website for about a week. We instantly connected on the grounds that we both are finalizing a divorce. We're mutually over our exes and went through the whole heart breaking process of facing something like that. He's 2 years into a separation and divorce and I'm about a year. We have a lot in common interest and major sexual chemistry. We text almost all day and the two phone calls we had lasted 4-5 hours long. It's pretty amazing, I cannot recall when the last time a guy made me light up this way, not even my ex husband. We're mutually blunt and open sexually and of course in those calls we Uhm, had phone sex. LOL I've explained to him as sexual as I am I don't plan on being physically sexual for a long time. He said he could wait But a red flag happened last night, he asked me at first [ I thought jokingly ] to be his girlfriend. He said he feels like he can be entirely honest with me and thinks about me constantly. That feeling is very mutual I jokingly agreed but realized periodically throughout the phone call there was seriousness to that question, he told me he's surprised because he feels most girls would run from his honesty but our chemistry and understanding is so strong he felt the need to express it. Here's the thing..we haven't met. So the reality of being his girlfriend seems just unreasonable I mean I get where he's coming from the feelings are mutual and strong, it's scary. It's a rare type of chemistry that comes every once in a blue moon. He hasn't asked me [ yet ] to delete my dating profile or anything. He does openly talk about his life, the things he's faced, and side jokes of our future. But I guess I'm just a bit scared here that this is all a scheme to get in my pants or maybe he's a serial dater. He claims he hasn't slept with anyone since his divorce or found anyone worth going forward with. Neither have I though. Thoughts?
BaileyB Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 (edited) I too have had great chemistry with many men... until I met them. Seriously, you have the horse so far before the wagon here that you can't even see the horse anymore... Phone sex with a stranger that you text but have never met? I would absolutely run from any man who called me his "girlfriend" before we even met... I'd run so far and so fast that he wouldn't even see where I went. Sorry, but this "relationship" is not real until you meet in real life. And, there are so many things you need to learn about this guy before you decide if he is going to be a good partner. At this point, I'd be seriously cautious. But, if you want to throw caution to the wind and have sex with him, that's fine. But really, be safe and smart about it. Use protection and meet in a public place before you make any decisions. Edited April 8, 2017 by BaileyB 6
SevenCity Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Well he obviously has no clue how attraction works but it doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy. Many men will try to lock you down despite women thinking they are only looking for hookups. That said, most women would run from a guy who said this. Then again, most women wouldn't have phone sex with a stranger (unless they are getting paid). As great as your virtual chemistry is, all bets are off until you meet in person. It's so fruitless to develop a relationship with someone until you actually meet them. You'll know in 3 seconds if there is chemistry and all the texting and phone calls in the world won't matter. My advice would be to tell him to chill out until you meet in person and see where it goes. What's stopping you from meeting? 1
preraph Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 This is all wrong. You do not know 60 percent of him because you have never met. It seems like your bond is mostly just talking sex. He could be married or anything. Have you skyped or something where you can see him? I don't actually even recommend it with him because he'll have his pants down around his knees, I guarantee you. But at least then you'd know what he looks like and moves like and if he does it from home, it might be some assurance he isn't already with a woman, although anyone can find a time when they're gone. All in all, I am just saying all this sexting is inappropriate with someone you've never met. I don't see the point, from your perspective. I mean I can dream up a better guy in my head if all I want to do is have sex with myself. 2
BaileyB Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 (edited) It's totally inappropriate, and probably a complete waste of time. It does seem, based on your description, that you have bonded over your failed relationships and sex. Not a great start to any relationship. And, if he was really interested, he would make plans to meet you... At is point, he hasn't even had to buy you a drink, to get you to talk dirty to him on the phone... Edited April 8, 2017 by BaileyB
Author Rs777 Posted April 8, 2017 Author Posted April 8, 2017 I'm an openly sexual person, it's just part of who I am. Without good sex I don't gain feelings of love. I know this is unusual as a woman and portrays me a certain way but as hard as it is to believe I haven't slept with many people. I do have will power in person. Our conversations on the phone are 3 hours of regular conversation swapping life stories, discussing interest and such and the remaining is sex related. I don't feel guilty or bad for it. This phone sex with someone I barely met is a new thing for me. He has made plans to meet me this week but I'm in the midst of a move and highly important research paper for college. So we scheduled for next Sunday in a public place. I've had guys in the past ditch me for the lack of sexual contact. Guys I was and always am 100% honest with that we won't be sleeping together anytime soon. My plan is to hold off on physical sex as long as possible, 2-3 months at the very least. If he waits it out that long I believe we'll be good to go if he poofs before that time well at the very least I know better. After reading these replies I think I do need to revisit that girlfriend subject and really spell out that we won't be any type of relationship until meeting and getting to know each other more. I'll keep you guys updated on the turn this takes.
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 I'm a bit of an optimist. His request is adolescent because labels like BF/GF don't happen before meeting. But I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt & assume he is simply enthusiastic albeit clueless. Tell him you are not ready for labels yet You'd prefer to meet first & see how things go. Then don't speak of it again. Meet him but keep your eyes open.
MoreThanThat Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 I'm an openly sexual person, it's just part of who I am. Without good sex I don't gain feelings of love. I know this is unusual as a woman and portrays me a certain way but as hard as it is to believe I haven't slept with many people. I do have will power in person. Our conversations on the phone are 3 hours of regular conversation swapping life stories, discussing interest and such and the remaining is sex related. I don't feel guilty or bad for it. This phone sex with someone I barely met is a new thing for me. He has made plans to meet me this week but I'm in the midst of a move and highly important research paper for college. So we scheduled for next Sunday in a public place. I've had guys in the past ditch me for the lack of sexual contact. Guys I was and always am 100% honest with that we won't be sleeping together anytime soon. My plan is to hold off on physical sex as long as possible, 2-3 months at the very least. If he waits it out that long I believe we'll be good to go if he poofs before that time well at the very least I know better. After reading these replies I think I do need to revisit that girlfriend subject and really spell out that we won't be any type of relationship until meeting and getting to know each other more. I'll keep you guys updated on the turn this takes. I'm not sure how you expect to hold off on actual sex for 2-3 months given you've had phone sex. Even though I'm a woman, the idea of setting a specific time frame like this seems like game playing. Have sex when things are at the place they need to be rather than a defined period of time. 1
Author Rs777 Posted April 8, 2017 Author Posted April 8, 2017 I'm not sure how you expect to hold off on actual sex for 2-3 months given you've had phone sex. Even though I'm a woman, the idea of setting a specific time frame like this seems like game playing. Have sex when things are at the place they need to be rather than a defined period of time. How well I know when things are where they need to be? Sorry if that seems like a silly question I just have so many mixed emotions. A part of me wants to run another part wants to embrace it all for what it is. Getting back into the dating world after divorce is so intimidating but I truly didn't expect to meet someone I genuinely liked and felt this attracted towards so fast.
MoreThanThat Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 How well I know when things are where they need to be? Sorry if that seems like a silly question I just have so many mixed emotions. A part of me wants to run another part wants to embrace it all for what it is. Getting back into the dating world after divorce is so intimidating but I truly didn't expect to meet someone I genuinely liked and felt this attracted towards so fast. I've had sooo many friends go through divorce and almost all of them fell hard initially for the first reasonably attractive person to come along once they decided they were ready to date. It's almost like teenage hormones returning. Take things one day at a time.
SWIPE_ME_NOT Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Honestly i would give him a chance. People can act ever so strange when in emotional situations. I have been in bad places myself where i have said equally stupid things to women. Its worth just meeting the guy in a public place and judging from there. You never know them until you meet though so you can then make your decision from the first face to face date.
Lilyana76 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 I ran into this a few times when I started OLD after my divorce. I found it extremely needy behavior and a turn off to me if they wanted to be exclusive before meeting. I would normally say that I was't ready for that until we met and had a few dates, get to know each other better at least, and they would usually stop talking to me. I kind of went through a "second teenager phase" after my divorce as well, but it was never about getting right into a relationship, it was more about having fun and rediscovering me, and who I am.
kendahke Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Have you skyped with this man yet? Are you sure who you are talking to is in fact the man in the photos he's sent you? If you haven't met him face to face, in person, the next best thing is to skype. If they won't skype, then end it, block him and move on. He's wasting your time if he can show his face. The rest of the issues are irrelevant if you haven't seen his voice come out of his mouth to questions you ask him to his face. OLD scammers want to be your boyfriend, start calling you their wife, wanting you to be the mother to their children (usually named Kelvin) before they hit you up for money. 1
BaileyB Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 There is nothing wrong with being a sexual person and of course, everyone wants to have good sex with their partner. If you want to have sex and sow some wild oats, there is nothing wrong with that... But, if you are looking for a serious relationship partner, it's best to take things slow and really do your due diligence. Dating is called a discovery period for a reason... Online dating can be really disappointing - people misrepresent themselves, they flake on you for no reason, or you spend lots of time thinking you found a great "connection" only to meet in real life and discover that the bill can't come fast enough... Don't get your hopes up or invest too much time until you meet him. At this point, he is a virtual stranger to you. Remember that. And always be safe. There are some really strange and scary men out there... there are men out there who will try to attach themselves to virtually anyone just to have a partner or have sex. Dating, for anyone, is an intimidating process. Just be smart, and be safe. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is...
joseb Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 (edited) . Our conversations on the phone are 3 hours of regular conversation swapping life stories, discussing interest and such and the remaining is sex related. .... He has made plans to meet me this week but I'm in the midst of a move and highly important research paper for college. I'm not really buying the busy excuse. If you are that busy no way you have time for three hour conversations. If I'm busy I don't spend longer than 60 seconds on the phone. So why aren't you meeting really? My plan is to hold off on physical sex as long as possible, 2-3 months at the very least. . This is game playing. And messed up. Leading a guy on with all this phone sex and then playing prude in person. But his gf comment is pretty weird too, tbh the whole thing has total mess written all over it. And as for chemistry, its based on how you feel when you meet someone, touch them, smell them. Pheromones don't travel down a phone line. Edited April 8, 2017 by joseb 4
Author Rs777 Posted April 17, 2017 Author Posted April 17, 2017 Update on this for anyone interested. It might make some of you laugh. I'm laughing. Before meeting I grew hesitant as he started to say things that were an indication of toxicity in my opinion worse then the girlfriend comment, like if I didn't text him fast enough he would complain. I canceled once on us and he cancelled the second time both of which he jokingly said it was cool but ended up like saying constant passive remarks blaming me and guilting me. He also said he had some "master plan" which made me really uncomfortable But I said **** it and decided I would give it a go. We met yesterday in a public place he told me he was dressing casual. This "man" showed up in visibly dirty clothes. Had terrible breath. He was also not attractive as his photos. Which all three of those I can try to overlook..but it gets worse. He bought me a water because we went for a walk and told me he used his dad's credit card because he's just that broke Also confessed to be a low key alcoholic pointing to a 40 just sitting in the bed of his truck. In conclusion, he was a slobbish man who lived with his parents and from what I gathered did not have his life together. Needles to say, the Internet fling was fun for the time it lasted I don't regret it before hand I had some major problems with depression and it helped me overcome those negative feelings. But as predicted this guy was bad news. Good Riddance, I'm so rusty too dating but I've learned moving forward I'll be meeting people as soon as possible to rule out this type of thing. [ It was just difficult this time as I was in the midst of a move] Anyway, thank you guys again for you red flag comments. They helped put the situation in a much more clear perspective.
MoreThanThat Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Ouch. Sorry to hear about how things worked out. Some of the issues you mentioned (broke, living with parents, etc) could have been settled even before meeting by asking some basic questions.
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