Healergirl1 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Hi I am new here but just searching for and groping for understanding here. I met a guy on a dating site. He called me first. We talked and texted for 3 days off and on, and it was fun, friendly. It was cheerful and upbeat, and we were planning to meet for a date because we were comfortable with each other. Then yesterday, he said something about " I can also be naughty". My immediate reaction was "Uh-oh" Because I honestly freak out with dirty talk. I was molested at a young age and I just cannot go there-he said "Oh I will have to adjust" then later he said, "I just don't think you are my type. It's over. " and that is it. I am so struggling here. This is the first good experience I had with dating on a dating site. So should I adjust my thinking on this " naughty" stuff and not be so -stoic with it? Should I just entertain the thought? I don't know. I thought honesty to be the best policy. I have never been blocked by anyone-and now I am-can someone help me to understand this? What have I done and why did he shut it down automatically? Was it simply ego stroking? I don't get it. Thank you.
Lilyana76 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 It sounds like he was one of those just looking for some action. I wouldn't take it personally. I don't do the naughty talk, or send sexually explicate pictures. Especially not before first meeting! I think "naughty talk" and "dirty pictures" are for a serious committed relationship, although I don't think even then I would send pictures, or let them take pictures. Anyway, in OLD there are A LOT of people like this, just looking for a one night stand or FWB. If thats not what you are looking for then don't let it discourage you, just move on to getting to know someone else. I had no luck with OLD, it seemed everyone I met was just wanting sex. So I gave it up. That doesn't mean you can't find something meaningful on OLD, it just wasn't my cup of tea... perhaps I'm too old for it 1
WaitingForBardot Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Hi I am new here but just searching for and groping for understanding here. I met a guy on a dating site. He called me first. We talked and texted for 3 days off and on, and it was fun, friendly. It was cheerful and upbeat, and we were planning to meet for a date because we were comfortable with each other. Then yesterday, he said something about " I can also be naughty". My immediate reaction was "Uh-oh" Because I honestly freak out with dirty talk. I was molested at a young age and I just cannot go there-he said "Oh I will have to adjust" then later he said, "I just don't think you are my type. It's over. " and that is it. I am so struggling here. This is the first good experience I had with dating on a dating site. So should I adjust my thinking on this " naughty" stuff and not be so -stoic with it? Should I just entertain the thought? I don't know. I thought honesty to be the best policy. I have never been blocked by anyone-and now I am-can someone help me to understand this? What have I done and why did he shut it down automatically? Was it simply ego stroking? I don't get it. Thank you. This is the first good experience I had with dating on a dating site. No actually, it wasn't... Such overt sexual innuendo before even meeting is usually not a sign of someone who's interested in you beyond sex. If you're okay with that, fine. If not, next... 2
coolheadal Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Hi I am new here but just searching for and groping for understanding here. I met a guy on a dating site. He called me first. We talked and texted for 3 days off and on, and it was fun, friendly. It was cheerful and upbeat, and we were planning to meet for a date because we were comfortable with each other. Then yesterday, he said something about " I can also be naughty". My immediate reaction was "Uh-oh" Because I honestly freak out with dirty talk. I was molested at a young age and I just cannot go there-he said "Oh I will have to adjust" then later he said, "I just don't think you are my type. It's over. " and that is it. I am so struggling here. This is the first good experience I had with dating on a dating site. So should I adjust my thinking on this " naughty" stuff and not be so -stoic with it? Should I just entertain the thought? I don't know. I thought honesty to be the best policy. I have never been blocked by anyone-and now I am-can someone help me to understand this? What have I done and why did he shut it down automatically? Was it simply ego stroking? I don't get it. Thank you. He's into naughty talk online. I am like you don't like it or tolerate it either. You don't want that so he is into it and you are not after the casual sex talk and action. You had been molested that will open up those wounds. He left because he knew you wouldn't go for his nonsense talk. Your better without him. Trust me you wouldn't be happy. His true colors are shown. There are a lot of men like him and women who are into this kinky behavior nothing to do with you it's them. Just have to brush it off and move on. There are better me out there than him. Just keep searching. Yes honesty is the best policy! 2
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 You two were on different pages. He wanted something you are unable or unwilling to give. Once you told him that he was no longer interested in continuing with you. It's not that you did anything wrong but you two didn't fit. He was honest enough to give a definitive good-bye; he didn't play you & he didn't try to force you. Find somebody more compatible. 4
kendahke Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 (edited) Hi I am new here but just searching for and groping for understanding here. I met a guy on a dating site. He called me first. We talked and texted for 3 days off and on, and it was fun, friendly. It was cheerful and upbeat, and we were planning to meet for a date because we were comfortable with each other. Then yesterday, he said something about " I can also be naughty". My immediate reaction was "Uh-oh" Because I honestly freak out with dirty talk. I was molested at a young age and I just cannot go there-he said "Oh I will have to adjust" then later he said, "I just don't think you are my type. It's over. " and that is it. I am so struggling here. This is the first good experience I had with dating on a dating site. So should I adjust my thinking on this " naughty" stuff and not be so -stoic with it? Should I just entertain the thought? I don't know. I thought honesty to be the best policy. I have never been blocked by anyone-and now I am-can someone help me to understand this? What have I done and why did he shut it down automatically? Was it simply ego stroking? I don't get it. Thank you. It sounds like he changed his mind on investing in this, which is his right. He may have just been flirting--it's not necessarily indicative of someone wanting to have sex with you on the first date--no one here lives in his head and knows his motivations, but he was letting you know by that that he's a sexual being. Your reaction told him that you are not--doesn't matter what the reasons are if they are valid to you. This isn't going to be a good fit and it doesn't matter how nicely the first 3 days went. Your "best behavior" representatives can't make a connection, so he cut his investment short in order to find someone who's more aligned to his way of thinking. You're free to find someone who is more aligned to your way of thinking. Edited April 8, 2017 by kendahke 2
act00 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 I was never sexually molested and I don't like sext-talk or dirty talk. I just don't. Not like that with a stranger. I don't think the statement, "I can also be naughty," necessarily meant that he wanted to sext, but he was definitely putting out the feelers that he wants some sex, and he wants sex when you meet for the first time, and maybe he's into weird sex. I mean, we're all "naughty," so there is no need to announce it. He was putting out the feelers to bed you. Then I wonder what this "naughty" is. Is he into weird sex? I can appreciate people putting out the feelers and being blunt in what they want in terms of sex, and making sure there is some compatibility. I think "good riddance" on this guy. You were unwilling to engage in sex talk, and he decided to move on. He wasn't interested in you as a person, but only getting between your legs. I wonder if this is a perpetual texter. They text, and sext, but never seem to have the time to meet, in person, and grow a relationship. There's no way of knowing who is right or wrong in OLD, but certainly say, "I'm not comfortable with this kind of talk/texting," and see where that goes. The good ones will respect that and the bad ones will run. 1
The411 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Hi I am new here but just searching for and groping for understanding here. I met a guy on a dating site. He called me first. We talked and texted for 3 days off and on, and it was fun, friendly. It was cheerful and upbeat, and we were planning to meet for a date because we were comfortable with each other. Then yesterday, he said something about " I can also be naughty". My immediate reaction was "Uh-oh" Because I honestly freak out with dirty talk. I was molested at a young age and I just cannot go there-he said "Oh I will have to adjust" then later he said, "I just don't think you are my type. It's over. " and that is it. I am so struggling here. This is the first good experience I had with dating on a dating site. So should I adjust my thinking on this " naughty" stuff and not be so -stoic with it? Should I just entertain the thought? I don't know. I thought honesty to be the best policy. I have never been blocked by anyone-and now I am-can someone help me to understand this? What have I done and why did he shut it down automatically? Was it simply ego stroking? I don't get it. Thank you. He shut down because he had no idea that you were molested and he was trying to escalate your relationship towards sex. He was flirting with you and your reaction communicated to him that you were closed sexually, which understandable. If you haven't had therapy or if you have you should talk to a psychologist to help with dealing with things guys say that are meant to be sexual escalation queue that recall your trauma. Otherwise most guys who are interested you may shut down because they cannot connect with you in sexual level.
preraph Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 No, smart girl, you should not adjust your thinking. You do not ever need to be talking dirty to a man via text or email or on the phone whom you have not met and are not in a longterm relationship with! I know you'll hear girls who go along with it for sport, but they are making a mistake. Obviously, all this guy wants is sex talk and he's sitting on the other end masturbating with some strange girl. This is NOT who you ever want for a boyfriend, so just block anyone who does that to you from now one, no explanation necessary. Never put anything like that in writing because it can and will come back to haunt you, and never send anyone sexy semi-nude or nude photos unless it's your husband and they are overseas, and even then I wouldn't because he may be tempted to show them around the squadron. A man who loves you sees you in his mind's eye and doesn't need the nude photo. You just keep right on using your common sense and trusting your gut instinct. The fact you were molested may have made those senses sharper, but don't discount them just because of that. Good luck.
Author Healergirl1 Posted April 8, 2017 Author Posted April 8, 2017 Thank you everyone. wow. that is what I wanted. Validation. There were other red flags and it seemed he wanted to control when he talked to me, and it just moved so fast even though he said he was ok with going slow. I feel that because he called me first is also a reason not to trust so soon. I think this is a blessing in disguise but all you guys helped me to see that this was never going to be a relationship I was really comfortable in-Yay I'm Free now to find the one. Yes. I will never forget this experience. 2
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