Is he over his ex?

[isheoverhisex]

Hi everyone.

 

So I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend since October. He had an ex before me and they went out for 5 years. They've been broken up for a year now. Things are great between me and him, were right in the honeymoon phase.. we're both so excited when we meet up, there's so much passion, it's just amazing at the moment.

 

However I have a bad feeling in regards to his ex.. he still keeps in touch with her on a daily basis, he calls her daily. Whenever he has a problem of any sort, or anything private that he needs to speak about, any fears and emotions he feels on the inside or any family matters.. he speaks to HER and not me. I've questioned him about this and he states he feels SAFE with her and she's the only person that make him feel safe and comfort. He's got a massive fear of flying and is now taking a step towards sitting on a flight and he wants her to come with him because again, she makes him feel safe and comfortable.

Anytime he needs advise or a problem occurs, she's the first point of contact. It didn't used to bug me a lot before because I reckoned they have history. But now it does bug me...

 

We argue about this all the time, Am I wrong to state that if another woman makes you feel safe, comfort, you can unleash your inner Demons only to HER then you still have feelings for her?? I mean these are all things that you develop in a serious relationship, being able to open up to eachother and rely on each other but he does this with HER?

 

He thinks I'm acting crazy because he states he doesn't feel anything for her. And that I make him feel that excitement and that thrill,.. I give him the butterflies, and he broke up with her after 5 years because he didn't feel those feelings any longer and he got 'bored'....

 

I'm getting bad vibes from this... would really appreciate opinions on this!

[isheoverhisex]

Anyone?

[Zahara]

 

He thinks I'm acting crazy because he states he doesn't feel anything for her. And that I make him feel that excitement and that thrill,.. I give him the butterflies, and he broke up with her after 5 years because he didn't feel those feelings any longer and he got 'bored'....

 

Yes, that's why he shares his most inner emotions with her. That's why he has to call her everyday. That's why she's the only one that can make him feel at ease when he is fearful. I find it hard to believe that a woman that he's bored with and has zero feelings for is someone that he needs tied to his hip.

 

I wouldn't tolerate being the woman that only gives him excitement and thrills while he can only emotionally and mentally connect deeply with another woman. The former will all fizzle at some point leaving you with nothing.

[kendahke]

do yourself a favor.

 

Take tomorrow to binge watch videos by a guy named Derrick Jaxn on youtube. Any question you need answered about anything having to do with relationships, he's done a video on it and his advice is excellent.

 

You are his side chick. His main relationship is still with his ex. If she's not cut off for any reason outside of children they're raising, then he's still connected to her. As long as he's connected to her in any emotionally intimate way, you're the side chick.

[isheoverhisex]

I do genuinely think he got bored of her and the relationship.

He seems to be the kind of man who looks for a thrill but we've been together for 6 months now and he's still really hooked on me? He's absolutely smitten, romances me, says sweet things every day, wants to see me all the time.. the lot.

So if he shows me all that, how can i be his side chick?

Maybe he just uses his ex as a crutch?

I'm confused and scared of being hurt.. it does really bother me that he shares everything with her

[Zahara]

I do genuinely think he got bored of her and the relationship.

 

This does not match his desire for her to be in every aspect of his life. Focus on the present.

 

He seems to be the kind of man who looks for a thrill but we've been together for 6 months now and he's still really hooked on me? He's absolutely smitten, romances me, says sweet things every day, wants to see me all the time.. the lot.

 

It's still the honeymoon period. Plus, he gets the fun benefits from you and those of depth from the ex.

 

So if he shows me all that, how can i be his side chick?

 

What he gets from you is superficial and shallow. It's derived from the fun and excitement that he gets when things are still new. When it comes to emotional and mental depth, he gets that from her. The latter being more valued and significant.

 

Maybe he just uses his ex as a crutch?

I'm confused and scared of being hurt.. it does really bother me that he shares everything with her

 

He isn't using her as a crutch. He's using you to fill the gaps.

[Zahara]

I'm getting bad vibes from this... would really appreciate opinions on this!

 

Always trust your instincts. It never stirs you wrong.

[isheoverhisex]

I justi just don't understand. Things felt so amazing. He rushes home from work just to see me. He rings me so many times through the day, texts me constantly, does sweet romantic things for me... he's said on so many occasions that he feels like he's really falling for me and that he feels so excited and a buzz when he sees me .. these past 6 months have felt like a fairytale and I'm falling for him more and more.

The only thing wrong is that he doesn't share those intimate worries and issues with me, private matter, family stuff, deep rooted fears and insecurities.. he shares all that with his ex who makes him feel safe.. other than that we've had the most amazing 6 months together.

Am I still just the side chick? The girl who is just there to fill his time? How can that be when he shows me so much love...?

[Miss Spider]

The rule is if you have to ask, the answer is no

[The Urbanyst]

This is not something I would tolerate from any woman I date.

 

I think the real question is why are you dating someone who doesn't respect your relationship?

 

The guy is more committed to his ex than to you. Whenever someone talks about their ex with language like "she/he is the ONLY person who.." that shows commitment.

 

If someone is the only person who can [insert thing] that means you don't want to lose that person ever.

 

Open your eyes.

[Zahara]

I justi just don't understand. Things felt so amazing. He rushes home from work just to see me. He rings me so many times through the day, texts me constantly, does sweet romantic things for me... he's said on so many occasions that he feels like he's really falling for me and that he feels so excited and a buzz when he sees me .. these past 6 months have felt like a fairytale and I'm falling for him more and more.

The only thing wrong is that he doesn't share those intimate worries and issues with me, private matter, family stuff, deep rooted fears and insecurities.. he shares all that with his ex who makes him feel safe.. other than that we've had the most amazing 6 months together.

Am I still just the side chick? The girl who is just there to fill his time? How can that be when he shows me so much love...?

 

You do understand. You just can't accept it. This is why your instincts are kicking in. It's screaming at you to wake up.

 

In the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon period -- what you've described is all normal. That isn't love. That's infatuation, lust, etc. The calls, sweet words, romance, etc. are heightened because it's new. Once that excitement fades, then comes depth where people start to invest more of themselves. He can't go down that path with you. So all you have with him is the honeymoon period. Surface level emotions. At some point the "thrill" fades and you've got nothing left of substance to stand on. You can't go any further because he cannot connect with you on a deeper level.

[Sharzi]

You are worried too much. Give him the benefit of doubt. Maybe he broke up with her, and now he feels responsible. Maybe he can't give someone this fast and needs time. Give him the time.

 

Don't act stupid though. Let him know that you bother with his contacting his ex. Let him know that even though you understand it is only friendship, and you trust him, still, you bother with this strange relationship. But don't give up on him. Let him see you are different from everyone else.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

As awful as it is to say, there do seem to be some parallels between your relationship and those that involve cheating/affairs.

 

There are plenty of examples in the OW/OM forum where a partner is more than happy to maintain two relationships simultaneously. One might be based primarily on passion and excitement, while the other is based more on an emotional connection and love.

 

I'm not saying your relationship isn't legitimate, but he clearly has an attachment to his ex which appears just as significant as yours, if not more. For some people, the deep emotional connection is more important and long lasting.

 

I would have to assume that out of the two relationships, you are in the more precarious position because after the excitement and passion has faded, what will be left if his emotional connection is with her alone?

 

It is something that you have to think about seriously because you said you have already started to fall for this guy and he is making it very clear that he will not give her up.

[reeseyummy]

I'm just curious, if he super romantic with you, but doesn't share his inner feelings, do you feel like you can share your inner feelings with him? Other than the romantic things he does to make you feel wanted, do "YOU" like him?

 

I can understand it's so easy to fall for a guy when he's so smitten. Us girls sometimes can easily make the guy the center of the relationship, it's almost like "if he likes me, then we continue", sometimes we ignore how WE feel first.

[isheoverhisex]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

The situation just makes me feel sad. He broke up with his ex about a year ago, shortly after we started dating very casually. We didn't see each other much. It's only been since September we started seeing eachother frequently and became a couple. He's often said that he felt like there was no excitement with his ex and the relationship became boring. He always stated that she became 'a nag'. Despite of all this, he only shares his deepest issues with her?

I know from before that she tried to distance himself from him after their breakup but he wouldn't let her, and would text her to stay in touch.

 

Like I said I didn't think in to all this too much before because frankly I didn't like him much, but now it really bugs me a lot. He honestly completely denies that there's any attraction to her from his part or any feelings. Maybe it's more of an brother/ sister relationship and he finds comfort in it because they've got so much history? According to him, she's been his rock and helped him through his lowest points of life.. ?

[Simple Logic]

Yes, this is very strange. Does his ex have a BF? I can't imagine having a GF where her ex was calling her to discuss his problems all the time. When he bored with you sexually he will move on.

[elaine567]

YOU involved yourself with a man who had a long term gf and who just got a bit bored with the sex, and he found you were wiling to fill that gap in his life.

NOW he has the best of both worlds.

 

He has a stable "rock" and best friend in the shape of his ex gf, and he has all the excitement and sex with you that goes with a new relationship.

 

Usually people as they get to know one another, become closer and closer so that there is sex and passion AND a long lasting friendship develops too.

YOU are in a bad position. He doesn't need that bond and friendship from you, he is getting that from her, so you are relegated to the "fun and excitement" zone and you may stay there till he gets bored again. He doesn't need you to be his best friend and confidante, he already has one of those..

That doesn't bode well for you in the future as he may NEED her but he doesn't really NEED you, any woman can provide sex and excitement, but few occupy a place in the heart and that is where I guess she resides.

 

My advice is always to NEVER get involved with people who have exes who have a starring role in their lives. YOU cannot compete and it all turns into a total mess.

Twos company, threes a crowd may be trite and an old fashioned saying, but it is as true as it ever was.

 

YOU thought when you replaced her, she was gone and dead in the water, but he never really had time to get over her and move on. He even actively made sure she stayed as close as ever...

YOU started off as the OW and that is where you have stayed basically. He still needs the deeper connection he has with her.

Like for many people who are caught between two "lovers", neither you or her are the full package for him, and that is why he needs both of you.

 

YES, you could go into zero tolerance mode and demand he gives her up, but he will resent you for it or will ignore you and keep seeing her behind your back or will dump you forthwith...

None of which is what you really want.

 

If you want to be a man's one and only, then you need to walk away here, you are only going to get hurt, more than you are already...

[isheoverhisex]

I feel absolutely confused.

What do I and him really have then? We've been seeing eachother for months and now we are in a relationship. Things feel great in terms of, he's so amazingly sweet to me, caring, romantic, I almost feel like I'm in a movie. He gives me so much attention and affection. From what he said, towards the end he didn't have that with his ex?

He speaks to her quite a lot less now but he still speaks to her. It made me feel sick to my stomach when he said he feels safe with her.

 

Are you all sure he still feels for her? Because he really insists on that he doesn't. Maybe she's just a comfort, a crutch ?

[Zahara]

I feel absolutely confused.

What do I and him really have then? We've been seeing eachother for months and now we are in a relationship. Things feel great in terms of, he's so amazingly sweet to me, caring, romantic, I almost feel like I'm in a movie. He gives me so much attention and affection. From what he said, towards the end he didn't have that with his ex?

He speaks to her quite a lot less now but he still speaks to her. It made me feel sick to my stomach when he said he feels safe with her.

 

Are you all sure he still feels for her? Because he really insists on that he doesn't. Maybe she's just a comfort, a crutch ?

 

Go back and read what everyone has posted and try to digest what's being offered to you. It's hard to see things with clarity when you are emotionally involved. There is a reason why you came here and created an account and chose to post. Deep down, you know something is wrong. Pay attention to that because it's there to save you from further pain.

 

It feels like a movie. And movies end. If he cannot connect with you on a deeper level other than fun and excitement, there is then no lasting power. There is nothing to stand on when the newness fades.

 

Besides how long do you intend to stay in a relationship that has him running to another woman for solace, comfort and guidance when it comes to all the important aspects of his life? Even if she is a crutch, what role will you eventually play when the THRILL is over?

 

Also, you often note "he said" -- just because he said he was XYZ with her, just because he "insists" it does not mean it is true. You need to focus on actions, NOT words. His actions are telling you everything. Of course he is going to insist. He can't tell you he has a connection/emotions for her. He would lose that benefit he has with you.

 

He finds comfort and safety in her. He is able to be vulnerable with her. Those are fundamentals that bond two people together. He can't do that with you other than shower you with the superficial. If someone cannot be vulnerable with you, then there is very little emotional investment.

 

I know this is hard for you but you have to consider what a healthy and nurturing relationship entails. You're only getting a piece of the pie. And that's not what you deserve.

Edited April 9, 2017 by Zahara