Author rie39 Posted April 8, 2017 Author Posted April 8, 2017 ExpatInItaly: I've done it once before, when we were starting to have an argument and I told him I wanted to be left alone to be sad instead of arguing. I thought I was doing the right thing but I guess I left the silence too long as after a day he messaged me saying he was upset I didn't talk all that time. But I was expecting him to ask if I felt better before that. He was close to breaking up because he thought I was rejecting him. We resolved it though, he now understands I wasn't ignoring him and that he shouldn't assume I'm rejecting him if I don't say. He's done it a few times to me, but told me he always wanted me to break the silence and now he has tried to stop it for good. By the way, I have messaged him about how I feel/ why I was silent and that I'm sorry. He isn't replying.
act00 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 There are no black and white answers here. You need to decide what you want. You do need to communicate how you want your mood handled. I agree that giving the silent treatment is manipulative, and you absolutely cannot expect your boyfriend/husband/best friend to know what you want and to somehow fix it. YOU don't know what you want, so how do you expect him to know? And I agree that you have to be self-soothing. You cannot expect other people to fix you or magically make your pain/worries/anxiety go away. It's exhausting to have to constantly build someone up, especially when they take no measures to fix it, and on the face of constant rejection. You cannot expect someone to constantly cater to your pouting, while you shut them out. No one wants constant rejection. What do you want? Because you're bouncing around wanting to be left alone, yet want all kinds of attention and soothing while you pout and push them away because the attention is annoying you and you just want to be left alone. Pick one. Seriously, just pick one. It's perfectly reasonable to say, "I just don't want to talk about it right now. Can we just watch a movie and snuggle and not talk?" But DO talk about it later. "I'm feeling really sad right now, and I just want some time alone. Can we talk about it later?" And follow through. Maybe it's an issue you don't want to talk about at all. That's fine, but moping and pouting for days, while he's floundering and wondering what is going on and getting ignored is just not going to work. YOU have to put on your brave face and engage with him. You are not a selfish toddler anymore. You are in a relationship with someone and you have to cater to their psyche as well. You need to find a balance. I don't know what that balance is. Personally, if I can snuggle up and not talk, get that security with touch, and talk about it later when I'm not so emotional is a good thing, and I'm not talking silence for days...you just can't mope for days. It's hard to have a relationship with someone who is so unhappy they mope and pout for days and weeks at a time. This is when you start getting angry and tell them to just "get over it" and "grow up." Learn coping skills. You are just a cog in a whole machine of relationships, and you have to actively engage. It's okay to be blue and shut down, but you can't do it for too long. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 You two are falling into a passive/aggressive, push/pull relationship. How long have you two been seeing each other? 2
Arieswoman Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 rie39, You need to grow up and learn to communicate better. You tell me you're 23, so you're not a kid. It is you who are responsible for your emotions and no-one else. If you choose to sulk or go quiet, then that is your choice. But don't expect other people to come along and snap you out of it, a relationship is two people, it isn't all about you. Maybe you need to get some therapy to understand why you behave as you do and engage coping strategies? I was married to someone who "sulked" and believe me it gets old really fast 2
Redhead14 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Yes, 23 as a number makes her an adult, but at 23, a person is still on the low end of the mental/emotional/life experience curve. Do you two live together? What are your life goals? What are you doing now -- working and/or going to college? Where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years?
Arieswoman Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Redhead, Yes, 23 as a number makes her an adult, but at 23, a person is still on the low end of the mental/emotional/life experience curve. Really? At 23 I had been living away from home for 5 years, had a graduate qualification and was running a business in healthcare in partnership with another graduate. Most of my peers were in a similar situation. As I said, OP, needs to grow up and learn how to be a responsible adult not a pouty sulky child.
Redhead14 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Redhead, Really? At 23 I had been living away from home for 5 years, had a graduate qualification and was running a business in healthcare in partnership with another graduate. Most of my peers were in a similar situation. As I said, OP, needs to grow up and learn how to be a responsible adult not a pouty sulky child. Yep, and that's what has helped you become the strong, secure, independent woman you are. She should try that herself, not become embroiled and entangled in a relationship. She needs to focus on just her for a few years, like you did. And, clearly, you were ahead of her on that curve. I'd be interested to hear what her childhood history/upbringing/role models were like. 1
bachdude Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 I also think you are expecting him to read your mind. You want a certain response out of him when you go silent and he isn't playing along. it's far healthier to take responsibility for your own emotions, communicate them and let him know what would help you. Your way of handling this situation can be quite destructive to a relationship. 1
Life lessons Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 I'm actually the type that goes silent with my H when I'm angry or upset with him. That's one thing he would definitely change about me. I've never been one to talk about my feelings...so it's easier for me to go silent, when something has upset me. Of course, he is aware that there's something bothering me and will be persistent in trying to get it out of me. Most times, when in situations, such as that, I'm okay once I sleep on it, so I'll tell him whatever the issue/problem was....after the fact. I know that's horrible communication but I've always been like that.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 ExpatInItaly: I've done it once before, when we were starting to have an argument and I told him I wanted to be left alone to be sad instead of arguing. I thought I was doing the right thing but I guess I left the silence too long as after a day he messaged me saying he was upset I didn't talk all that time. But I was expecting him to ask if I felt better before that. He was close to breaking up because he thought I was rejecting him. We resolved it though, he now understands I wasn't ignoring him and that he shouldn't assume I'm rejecting him if I don't say. He's done it a few times to me, but told me he always wanted me to break the silence and now he has tried to stop it for good. By the way, I have messaged him about how I feel/ why I was silent and that I'm sorry. He isn't replying. Perhaps he has reached his limit with this. Is there a reason you didn't try to call instead of sending him a message? I think apologizing over a message isn't the right way to go.
Redhead14 Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Call him on the phone. Tell him that you are sorry for pushing him away and that you understand his frustration. Tell him that you understand that not communicating with him is hurtful and that it's important that the two of you talk about this situation now and not fall into this pattern. If he doesn't answer, you leave that on voicemail and ask him to call you soon. If he doesn't contact you, you wait it out. But not longer than a couple of days. If days turn into a week or more, you keep moving and take the opportunity to focus on just you for a while and get focused on you and your future.
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