If a woman goes silent/ distant when upset

[rie39]

Hey guys,

 

I definitely need help with this.

 

If a woman is sad and goes silent on her man, should the man be expected to ask her what's wrong/ if she's ok/ try to make her feel better, or is the woman wrong for being silent in the first place?

 

I feel i agree with the first thing, but I've heard people say it isn't right, I really don't know?

 

I find myself doing this to my boyfriend and each time he never tried talking to me, and that would upset me more! it's happening right now actually. I've told him in the past if I'm quiet it's because I'm sad, not because I'm ignoring him.

 

I feel him not talking to me during these time periods doesn't match up with some incredible things he says, like how he never wants me to be sad and it hurts him so much if I'm sad, he always wants to make sure I don't feel alone (he usually calls a few times a day to check on me), like how no matter what he will fight for us to have a forever... I'm confused as to if his actions match his words.Because I feel like if he can't be there for me when I'm sad that's not a good thing and all those words don't add up?

 

Advice please? Thanks!

[1fish2fish]

What's the motivation behind your silence? Do you go quiet to try an elicit a response from him? Or are you really shutting down inside because you're sad/upset about something?

 

I shut down and get quiet when I'm sad, and it's definitely not a manipulative tool. It's more that I'm trying to process things to understand exactly WHY I'm sad/upset.

 

Not all men understand this, and they may think we're playing games when we do this.

 

If your bf doesn't ask, "What's wrong?" it could just be he hasn't noticed your silence or that he assumes everything is fine and you're just tired. It's up to us as women to tell our men what's wrong, or at least, tell them we're feeling off and need a little time to work through things in our head...or something.

 

It's good that you've told him before that when you're quiet something is wrong, but maybe try telling him as it's happening. He may not even notice when you're quiet, unless it goes on for days.

 

Men (and women) are not mind readers. If he is not asking you what's wrong in the moment, it's more likely that he's giving you time and space to work through it - and it's not because he doesn't care.

[rie39]

I stop talking because I'm genuinely hurt about something, not because I'm trying to test him to see if he replies. I've been depressed with my life lately and also he was upset at me over something and wasn't being as loving to me and that just pushed me to shut down and stop talking to him. I was planning to talk to him later that day, or kind of was expecting him to ask what's wrong, but him not saying anything since has made me feel worse and surprised and I don't know what to say to him now. It is the beginning of the second day now of not talking.

[rie39]

Also, I'm sure he has noticed something is off and that I'm not fine. I feel he is probably even angry at me for not talking, as in the past he has been. But I can't help I shut down and want him to be comforting during my silence.

 

I feel maybe I should say something to break the silence but I don't know what to say as I feel disappointed and also still depressed and uneasy. Agh!

[coolheadal]

I stop talking because I'm genuinely hurt about something, not because I'm trying to test him to see if he replies. I've been depressed with my life lately and also he was upset at me over something and wasn't being as loving to me and that just pushed me to shut down and stop talking to him. I was planning to talk to him later that day, or kind of was expecting him to ask what's wrong, but him not saying anything since has made me feel worse and surprised and I don't know what to say to him now. It is the beginning of the second day now of not talking.

 

You need to cope with your depression first. Too much stress, low-self-esteem followed by unhappiness, and your well-being. This has to be some how remedied. You can try to seek help or try to put yourself into a deep meditation, you can use those free meditation tracks off you-tube. Also try Theta Brainwave Entrainment will help you relax. If your in a depression state your BF might not know how to cope with you. Most will back-off. Not much else they can do just to be supportive to your needs.

[rie39]

Thanks so much for those recommendations! I'll try watching that Theta brainwave Entertainment today.

 

This hits home because I have only recently come to terms with the truth I do have depression. And I think actually my boyfriend has similar problems I do. He has in the past cut me off then later said he was waiting for me to message him again. He has done things like that that have made me uneasy. But he said he is really trying not to do that ever again though and I could see he was trying. But point is I think we both have issues that are making this relationship hard but we do really love each other very much

[OatsAndHall]

You are trying to illicit a response through your silence which isn't healthy; it's manipulative. I suggest you be more communicative and address an issue with you are upset. I understand that depression is a hard thing to deal with but you won't work through it by shutting down on your partner and expecting them to pick you back up.

 

A simple, "I'm feeling down today, hun, can we talk about it" goes a long way. Sitting in silence in an attempt to get your partner to engage with you does not.

[rie39]

What could I say to him to explain or apologise for why I have been silent? I don't want to damage the relationship further if I remain silent.

[OatsAndHall]

What could I say to him to explain or apologise for why I have been silent? I don't want to damage the relationship further if I remain silent.

 

I don't think there's a need to bring it up as it's in the past and it's done and over. Just make a concerted effort to change the behavior and reach out when you're depressed instead of shutting down.

 

I inadvertently shut down at times when I am depressed or anxious but I learned to talk about it with my significant others. It's healthy for my mental health and for the relationship as communication is key in both aspects. There may be times when I don't feel like talking about it in depth so I'll just tell a significant other than I'm feeling down and would enjoy their company.

Edited April 8, 2017 by OatsAndHall

[rie39]

OatsAndHall: Mmm, the problem though is that we are currently actually not talking. I'm wondering how I can fix that silence, I don't know what to say now that he is probably upset at me for not talking to him. :/

I definitely will work on this shutting down in the future from now though.

 

Is it wrong that I still feel it isn't right he hasn't said anything to me? I thought if our relationship means a lot to him he would have said something...

[act00]

I'm not really clear on exactly what it is that you want. Do you want him to leave you alone, or are you expecting him to hover and ask, "What's wrong honey?" repeatedly while you ignore him, or do you want him to give you a hug and just leave you to process whatever is going on?

 

He may not notice your silence unless it goes on for an extended period or recognize you're upset about something if you are typically more reserved and more on the quiet side.

 

He may just be leaving you alone. If you're pretty much giving him the silent treatment, what else is he supposed to do? I don't like that game and I don't want to play it. My ex would pout for days.

 

Make an effort to talk about what the problem is at some point, sooner over later, especially if the issue pertains to him.

 

Tell him what you need. He's not a mind reader. Obviously you don't want to talk about whatever it is that's bothering you at that moment, but maybe a hug would be nice? Why would he ask what's wrong when he knows you won't tell him? He's going to go on with his life while you pout. You obviously don't wish to engage, and he's not necessarily interested in being snubbed.

 

I'm just really confused on what you want or need.

[OatsAndHall]

OatsAndHall: Mmm, the problem though is that we are currently actually not talking. I'm wondering how I can fix that silence, I don't know what to say now that he is probably upset at me for not talking to him. :/

I definitely will work on this shutting down in the future from now though.

 

Is it wrong that I still feel it isn't right he hasn't said anything to me? I thought if our relationship means a lot to him he would have said something...

 

In this case, I would apologize and tell him what has been going on with you. I don't think he has done anything wrong as he isn't the one that ceased contact. Honestly, this kind of stuff is one of the reasons why my last relationship failed. My ex would get upset about something, shut down on me and expect me to ask her what was wrong. I did so early on in our relationship but it got old quickly. So, I stopped and told her that she needed to let me know if something was bothering her.

[rie39]

act00: It probably sounds confusing, I'm confused myself. I know that when I'm upset I want him to say something, not to leave me alone for an extended amount of time. I expect the other to comfort me. But to be honest I was also processing things like the state of the relationship and how I feel about continuing. So maybe I partly wanted him to talk to me but was partly hurt and angry and needed to think alone :/. But I at least wanted him to reach out by now!

And if he did say anything I would reply not ignore that.

[coolheadal]

Thanks so much for those recommendations! I'll try watching that Theta brainwave Entertainment today.

 

This hits home because I have only recently come to terms with the truth I do have depression. And I think actually my boyfriend has similar problems I do. He has in the past cut me off then later said he was waiting for me to message him again. He has done things like that that have made me uneasy. But he said he is really trying not to do that ever again though and I could see he was trying. But point is I think we both have issues that are making this relationship hard but we do really love each other very much

 

You can do as your intent is do might of go of it.

[rie39]

OatsAndHall: Yes I'll need to do that. Thanks for sharing your experience in the past. That sounds exactly like me haha. And my boyfriend too. I'm scared this relationship will fail because both of us are uneasy.He gets emotional easily too.

I wish I never had been silent and just told him in the start that I was upset.

[rie39]

coolheadal: I can't understand what you're trying to say there haha.

[OatsAndHall]

OatsAndHall: Yes I'll need to do that. Thanks for sharing your experience in the past. That sounds exactly like me haha. And my boyfriend too. I'm scared this relationship will fail because both of us are uneasy.He gets emotional easily too.

I wish I never had been silent and just told him in the start that I was upset.

 

I will only cut off contact with a significant other when I am seriously angry over something they have done and need to calm down. But, I am straight-forward about it before I go "run silent, run deep".

 

"This situation has me upset right now and this conversation will turn into a fight if I don't cool off. I'll talk to you later."

[Redhead14]

If you aren't communicating with him, he doesn't know what you need. You're making him "guess". That's not fair and it comes off as manipulative.

 

Generally, when you don't know what to do, it's best to do nothing . . . so, that's what he does. Stonewalling is an unhealthy, immature way to deal with things. It hurts the partner.

 

"You know, Xname, I love you and I am struggling with Xthing. I know you can't fix it for me, but it would help me if _______."

 

Besides that, you need to learn how to self-sooth. You cannot and should not put upon a partner too often. It becomes a burden to them and they do start to feel helpless and frustrated.

[rie39]

OatsAndHall: Yes that's what I need to do. I actually did that once (told him I'm upset and I forsee an argument if we kept talking so I wanted to be left alone), but I didn't talk for way too long that it made him nearly break up with me. Lol.

 

I'll need to work on 1) Telling him I'm upset and if I need to be left alone and 2) Not being silent for toooo long

[OatsAndHall]

OatsAndHall: Yes that's what I need to do. I actually did that once (told him I'm upset and I forsee an argument if we kept talking so I wanted to be left alone), but I didn't talk for way too long that it made him nearly break up with me. Lol.

 

I'll need to work on 1) Telling him I'm upset and if I need to be left alone and 2) Not being silent for toooo long

 

There's no need to be silent at all. You can tell him that you're feeling down and either ask for the comfort or ask for the space. There are certainly times when life is rough, I'm depressed and/or anxious about something outside of the relationship and just need some time to myself to sort things out. But, again, I communicate this to my significant other before hand.

 

"I'm having kind of a rough day so I'm going to go for a walk. I'll shoot you a text in a little bit."

[mja246]

I can remember 2 different significant relationships where women went silent or distant.

 

One had trouble relating her emotions when upset or angry, she went completely cold when sad/mad/angry/upset. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism. I tried to work on this with her, but in the end we didn't match.

 

The other one expressed what she was feeling verbally when negative emotions came up. She would use the silent/cold approach when I really upset her. I let that happen once or twice before discussing it with her. It was being used as a punishment and has no place in a healthy, communicative, adult relationship.

 

Ask yourself why are you going cold or distant, is it because you run into a shell for safety or comfort, or is it a vindictive thing, or maybe something else.

 

I want to point out that all these things point to something being amiss in the relationship, from both parties - not one or the other:

"he never wants me to be sad and it hurts him so much if I'm sad"

"he always wants to make sure I don't feel alone (he usually calls a few times a day to check on me)"

"like how no matter what he will fight for us to have a forever"

"I'm confused as to if his actions match his words."

"I feel like if he can't be there for me when I'm sad"

 

I think ya'll are both young at least emotionally and need time to grow. Remember the only person responsible for your happiness is you, don't believe someone who tells you otherwise. It's normal and okay to be sad now and then & also to be self sufficient (comfortably alone at home). Work on yourself and the rest will start to make more sense.

Edited April 8, 2017 by mja246

[rie39]

mja246: Do you mind elaborating on how those quotations indicate something is wrong in the relationship?

[rie39]

I just want to get this right if not for this relationship for any future relationship I may be in. So you guys are saying that I should never go silent, rather I should tell the other I am upset and either ask them to help me feel better or let me resolve things alone for a short period of time (which technically is going silent but with me telling them first)? And not to depend on the other to make me feel better? That second part is something I am having trouble coming to terms with, as I've always felt in a relationship your partner is supposed to comfort you and make you feel loved more than anyone else?

[Redhead14]

I just want to get this right if not for this relationship for any future relationship I may be in. So you guys are saying that I should never go silent, rather I should tell the other I am upset and either ask them to help me feel better or let me resolve things alone for a short period of time (which technically is going silent but with me telling them first)? And not to depend on the other to make me feel better? That second part is something I am having trouble coming to terms with, as I've always felt in a relationship your partner is supposed to comfort you and make you feel loved more than anyone else?

 

I've always felt in a relationship your partner is supposed to comfort you and make you feel loved more than anyone else? -- Yes, that is true, but they should not be expected to be everything, all the time. A partner can and should do that for you but they can't do that in a vacuum.

 

If you express your need and they accommodate you, great! If you express a need and they don't, then you know something isn't quite right. And, if you're doing this all the time, they will stop trying because they are finding that what they do isn't working/enough.

 

And, the other thing you are doing here when you are going silent, is sending the message that you do want to be left alone, yet, in YOUR head you are thinking that he should and would want to comfort you. So, which is it? You want to deal with whatever it is you're dealing with on your own or you don't? You're setting him up for failure by keeping him in the dark. It's OK to take a little time to ponder, reflect, process, etc., but not days of dark, sullen, pouting, moodiness. And, you're likely compounding all this because you're having expectations about how he should/could, how you want him to and when he doesn't do that, you push him further away.

[Arieswoman]

rie39,

How old are you?