Asking a man out

[DrReplyInRhymes]

There's something to be said here about being the guy who chases vs being the guy who doesn't know when to let go. It's a fine line I think.

 

Personally, I'd love it if a woman made it very clear by coming up to me and saying "I really like you." That's insta-flirt mode.

[Silverstring]

The problem with the guys that love the chase is that they'll never be satisfied in a secure relationship. And I also don't particularly respect women that think a man has to prove himself or somehow "earn" her. If you're compatible and attracted to each other you should date. Full stop. No games.

 

But yes, for sure you should ask out a guy if you're interested. Most importantly because it is super efficient. If he's interested, you get to date someone to see if you're compatible long term. If he's not interested, you get to move on to someone that might be. Win/win.

[Titanll]

I've been asked out multiple times and I absolutely love it. Who wouldn't? It's flattering for both sexes, right? If there is some mutual attraction, I say hell yes. If not, I politely turn the offer down. Does not bother me one bit to be asked out be someone that I don't find attractive. As a man, I think that we are way more forgiving and polite. You approach the wrong woman and you can get your arse fried for asking her out... I doubt many, if any, guys are like that.

[Chilli]

I like your response.

 

I think there's nothing wrong with asking men out, when you're interested in them.

 

The majority of the women I have dated, asked me out in the first instance. One of those women who asked me out almost 21 years ago, will have been married to me for 18 years in a few weeks time.

 

That said back when I was dating others, I did turn down quite a few women during that time as well.

 

 

See here in is exactly my point. None of them went anywhere, not even in 18yrs.

But l bet if you see a girl you wanna marry you'll go after her.

[Shining One]

Call me old fashioned, but I'm against women making the first move!

Why are you against women (in general) making the first move? I can understand why an individual woman may be against making the first move herself, but why do you care if other woman make the first move?

I don't think you'll necessarily be rejected, but you might get a guy who feels 'meh, but she really likes me, so why not until something better comes along' and might not know the difference until way later.

I'm a man and this exact scenario has happened to me a few times. Both men and women sometimes accept dates with someone they are "meh" about. It's simply a risk of dating.

[Miss Spider]

Why are you against women (in general) making the first move? I can understand why an individual woman may be against making the first move herself, but why do you care if other woman make the first move?I'm a man and this exact scenario has happened to me a few times. Both men and women sometimes accept dates with someone they are "meh" about. It's simply a risk of dating.

 

 

The reason I'm against it in general is because where I live men are still socialized to be the ones to ask the woman out.

 

There are some bold women who do it, but overwhelmingly men do "ask out " (note, there is a distinction from starting a conversation) And the men know this. A man overcoming fears and/or other obstacles to ask a woman out one of the strongest ways for a woman to gauge overall interest (also his confidence.) Men will lower their standards for ease and convenience much more likely than a woman. I believe if a woman breaks convention to ask a man out, he already sees her interest in him as quite strong, so she'd be a easy target for a man with low interest looking for sex/fling.

 

Just not that worth it, and I have a few of nonstarter dates from my teens and early 20s to support my beliefs lol

 

I think guys will rarely say "no"

Edited April 12, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[mortensorchid]

I told myself I would never do it, not to say in the past that I have not done that, but I was a kid and didn't know any different. Thanks to bad experiences as a teenager / young adult, I know not to do it. But, the want to do it exists in some situations. Part of you wants to do it, but the logical part of the brain says "no don't do it". You want something to happen, all women do inside of themselves, and when it doesn't happen is when you get crazy and irrational.

 

And yes, I crossed a certain line a while ago. With the example I gave at the start of the thread it was hammered home to me as to why you shouldn't. I changed after that rejection for the better.

[divegrl]

The reason I'm against it in general is because where I live men are still socialized to be the ones to ask the woman out.

 

There are some bold women who do it, but overwhelmingly men do "ask out " (note, there is a distinction from starting a conversation) And the men know this. A man overcoming fears and/or other obstacles to ask a woman out one of the strongest ways for a woman to gauge overall interest (also his confidence.) Men will lower their standards for ease and convenience much more likely than a woman. I believe if a woman breaks convention to ask a man out, he already sees her interest in him as quite strong, so she'd be a easy target for a man with low interest looking for sex/fling.

 

Just not that worth it, and I have a few of nonstarter dates from my teens and early 20s to support my beliefs lol

 

I think guys will rarely say "no"

 

This is a valid trap women fall into. That is why she must express attraction and then let the man lead.

 

And really showing attraction could be a smile, a brush on the arm, or looking deeply into his eyes. Remember 90% of communication is non verbal.

 

Good luck ladies!!!

[SmartDude]

A woman asking a guy out is soooo not a problem.

 

I will make a convenient list of the what I find the most bothersome behavior in women when it comes to dating:

 

1) Plays hard to get, gives unnecessary resistance to make a man chase her.

2) Can't make up their damn mind.

3) Wants romance to happen instantly.

 

#1 may be a turn on for some men, but I assure you there are men out there who will not even tolerate this for one second(like me). Either the two people sense a possible connection and work toward it or they don't. For some men resistance=not available and/or bitch.

[Titanll]

A woman asking a guy out is soooo not a problem.

 

I will make a convenient list of the what I find the most bothersome behavior in women when it comes to dating:

 

1) Plays hard to get, gives unnecessary resistance to make a man chase her.

2) Can't make up their damn mind.

3) Wants romance to happen instantly.

 

#1 may be a turn on for some men, but I assure you there are men out there who will not even tolerate this for one second(like me). Either the two people sense a possible connection and work toward it or they don't. For some men resistance=not available and/or bitch.

 

I agree with you. Could be because we both are near the same age and date much younger women...

[Gr8fuln2020]

Let's allow a bit of common sense here. Any woman that asks a guy out is going to be rejected b/c she is simply not his type. Period. If you are smokin' hot(!) the guy is going to respond to the affirmative. For the initial date, at least. I have been asked by plenty of women, but they simply did not meet my requirements based on what I saw online. If I were asked out by a lady that I found attractive and had a profile that was reasonably what I expect from a serious partner, I would say YES. For me, it has nothing to do about having to work hard so I'll appreciate more. Just me.

[carhill]

I'd probably keel over dead so hope it never happens. I think a lifetime of BS with women would likely have me wondering what the angle was. What they wanted to steal. Spook stuff. Maybe watching too much CIA stuff of late

[BettyDraper]

Personally I wouldn't advise doing it.

 

I only ever asked one guy out. We dated for 9 months and then I initiated the "where do you think we are?" conversation, and he dumped me for "trying to hem him in" ( ! )

 

IMO a man will value something more if he has to work for it

 

This. I asked out a boy when I was 18 and he said no. The last time I asked a man for his number, he said "What do you want my number for?" and then told a mutual friend that I was "pretty but way too open". He liked having to chase women. That was when I was 24 and I never ask out another man again. Being turned down made me feel like a desperate woman.

 

I've become more traditional as I've aged and I would never ask out a man again if I was single. The most I would do is smile and flirt.

[BikerAccnt]

Call me old fashioned, but I'm against women making the first move!

 

It's fine to ask out after, but he needs to make the first move!

 

I don't think you'll necessarily be rejected, but you might get a guy who feels 'meh, but she really likes me, so why not until something better comes along' and might not know the difference until way later.

 

 

That's the risk we guys take ALL the time.

 

It seems that the women of the board prefer not to risk being rejected, and would rather do all the rejecting

 

I for one would prefer a woman who knows she wants to date me, and isn't afraid to ask me out. Confidence is sexy. Yes, even in women.

[Kitchen]

So I didn't want to start my own thread as my question is relevant here.

 

A woman asked me out for drinks on a dating app 2 days ago. I asked when and where? She gave me a day and the general area where she wants us to meet.

 

Then I asked for her number, as I typically like to chat on the phone once before meeting people up. I called her and she basically told me she doesn't want to chat but can meet up.

 

I said okay sure, just let me know the time and the bar. She said "I can pick one and let you know or you can pick one and let me know". I said okay sure, pick one and let me know. She seemed annoyed and said "okay". That's the last I heard from her, and we are scheduled to meet Tuesday.

 

I know, as a guy she wanted me to make some effort, even though she was the one to ask. I was annoyed that she refused to talk on the phone, so decided not to give a ****.

 

I'm not expecting her to get back to me with a bar in mind, lol. But assuming she does, and we do meet, who picks up the check? Isn't it the person who asks who has to pay? It would be nice to be taken out on a first date for once.

[alphamale]

I'm 42 and I feel like I'm still in 8th grade

join the club

 

 

there is nothing wrong with asking a guy to ask you out. if it doesn't work just move on to the next guy.

[Shanex]

To make a broad point and wherever you live - men have to make the first move, I mean, I traveled a bit and I am grateful for that, and it's almost biologically hardwired that we dudes have to make a first move. Now, I appreciate a woman showing interest - women supposedly have a more subtle approach about dating than guys. So guys take a hint, if she tells you nice things, smile at even your bad jokes or puns, take your chance.

 

Entirely agree with @SmartDude points above too: a woman playing super hard to get is a instant turn off, I'm not looking for an easy prey, but life is too damn short to deal with these kinds.

[EasyHeart]

Middle-aged guy here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman asking out a man.

 

BUT. . . here are a few words of caution:

 

(a) He will very likely turn you down. Generally, if a man is interested in you (and knows you're available) he would have already asked you out.

 

(b) Some men prefer to have women approach them/ask them out. However, those men tend to be shy/meek/socially awkward/lack confidence, etc. If you are okay with that and want to date a more passive man, then that is no problem. But don't date someone like that and then six months later complain that they're too passive. That's exactly what you signed on for.

 

I've been asked out by women many times in my life, and I have turned every one of them down. It's not because they asked me out, it was because they were always women who I had no interest in dating. If I had, I would have asked them out long before they had a chance to ask me!

[BettyDraper]

Middle-aged guy here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman asking out a man.

 

BUT. . . here are a few words of caution:

 

(a) He will very likely turn you down. Generally, if a man is interested in you (and knows you're available) he would have already asked you out.

 

(b) Some men prefer to have women approach them/ask them out. However, those men tend to be shy/meek/socially awkward/lack confidence, etc. If you are okay with that and want to date a more passive man, then that is no problem. But don't date someone like that and then six months later complain that they're too passive. That's exactly what you signed on for.

 

I've been asked out by women many times in my life, and I have turned every one of them down. It's not because they asked me out, it was because they were always women who I had no interest in dating. If I had, I would have asked them out long before they had a chance to ask me!

 

My husband is very introverted but he still took the lead in courting me. Even the meekest man will find courage if he is interested in a a woman. I agree that a man who wants a woman will ask her out.

 

I attended college with a woman who was loud and unfortunate looking. She was very aggressive with men and it was painful to watch. One time, she said to a handsome dude: "Can I get on the elevator with you? You're cute." It just seemed so thirsty.

Edited April 15, 2017 by BettyDraper

[Shining One]

I attended college with a woman who was loud and unfortunate looking. She was very aggressive with men and it was painful to watch. One time, she said to a handsome dude: "Can I get on the elevator with you? You're cute." It just seemed so thirsty.

Not every example is painful and desperate.

 

I was at a piano lounge. I had just made eye contact with an attractive woman in a red dress on the other side of the bar. We exchanged smiles. I started making my way over to strike up a conversation. About halfway there, another woman grabbed my arm, handed me a drink, and said: "You have to try this." A few minutes later, I wasn't even thinking about the woman in the red dress.

[Jason Van Jason]

Rejection isn't something a woman should experience a whole lot of, in my opinion.. Often, women end up taking rejection very personally and as a lot of people have said already, men are no strangers to the idea and most of us can deal with it, no problem.

 

The problem with this concept, lies in the fact that your putting the power, in the hands of the man and with so many rejections, sometimes a man will not hesitate to kind of.. Get revenge, on women in general, through all his rejections, by rejecting you, for no other reason than he can.

 

I don't mean to sound self involved or anything, but I am a very good looking man and I've never had a woman, ever ask me out, but if she did, I would say yes on the spot.. I admire that type of bravery out of a woman and honestly, I really dislike the often pedantic nature of women being indecisive and not knowing what they want.. Now, a woman who knows what she wants, that is a turn on for me.. But I am also a mature man. I've beat drug addiction, been rejected thousands of times, have insecurities 10 feet tall, still, from having low confidence, acne, low self esteem and just generally being an ugly duckling for most of my life.

 

On point, if your going to ask a man out, you should, first of all, make sure he is a mature person, because your often going to be putting your feelings into his hands and with women often mishandling our feelings, a sense of resentment can often cause men to become destructive in this context.

 

Rejection is a terrible feeling, so if you do not want to expose yourself to it, I understand, but you gotta know that if your taking it personal, you should not expose yourself to it.

 

Best of luck, hopefully you can find that mature man your looking for.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Rejection is a terrible feeling, so if you do not want to expose yourself to it, I understand, but you gotta know that if your taking it personal, you should not expose yourself to it.

 

Good point. Goes both ways. If you are the type to take rejection VERY personally to the point of stewing and over-analyzing even the mundane things instead of simply walking away and dealing with what YOU CAN control, then don't ask. Wait to be asked.

[BettyDraper]

Not every example is painful and desperate.

 

I was at a piano lounge. I had just made eye contact with an attractive woman in a red dress on the other side of the bar. We exchanged smiles. I started making my way over to strike up a conversation. About halfway there, another woman grabbed my arm, handed me a drink, and said: "You have to try this." A few minutes later, I wasn't even thinking about the woman in the red dress.

 

 

Did I say that every example is painful and desperate?

I wouldn't accept a drink from a stranger aggressively offering me one. That's creepy.

[WaitingForBardot]

/..snip../

Often, women end up taking rejection very personally and as a lot of people have said already, men are no strangers to the idea and most of us can deal with it, no problem.

/..snip../

I guess depending on how one defines personally, this is opposite of what I read in a psychology paper quite some time ago; sorry I can't find the reference anymore. What they concluded was that generally speaking, women were more likely to take rejection as a blow to their ego, while men were more likely to take it as a blow to their self-worth. Further, again generally speaking, blows to the ego were considered easier to recover from than blows to ones self-worth.

 

Of course it was a psychology paper, based on interviews and surveys, where appropriate sample selection could have reinforced any particular conclusion they wanted to draw.

[Shining One]

I wouldn't accept a drink from a stranger aggressively offering me one. That's creepy.

To each their own. I didn't find her offer aggressive. I found her approach refreshing and appealing.