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Is it a turn off to women if a man is brutally honest and can have a short-temper?


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Posted

I ask because I'll admit do have a bad temper, especially since I used to get emotionally, sexually and physically abused by my parents, causing me PTSD from that. I do a very good job at bottling it up somehow. However, I'm one of those people who blow up in one big flame rather than blowing up in constant little flames, meaning you do NOT want to test my patience. It'd be the very last thing any person would want.

 

Once a person figures out how to piss me off pretty good, it becomes very ugly. However, I'd certainly never physically abuse my future girlfriend or violently lash out with no control, no matter how scary I may sound but I do my best.

 

As for brutal honesty, I'm usually only brutally honest to people judging by their attitude and if they come off as jerks to me. If I'm in a bad mood, then I'll just be full on brutally honest towards everyone if they ask me a question they expect an honest answer from.

Posted

Speaking of brutally honest, it sounds like you'll be blessed with the company of women who can't do any better. I guess it's better than nothing.

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Posted (edited)
Speaking of brutally honest, it sounds like you'll be blessed with the company of women who can't do any better. I guess it's better than nothing.

 

Usually I'm friendly towards everyone, as long as I'm treated with dignity and respect. A person would have to try a little hard to tick me off.

Edited by Aztecgentlman480
Corrections
Posted

That would be more than a turn off for me.

 

Have you sought therapy for this behaviour?

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Posted (edited)
That would be more than a turn off for me.

 

Have you sought therapy for this behaviour?

 

I've tried to save up some money for therapy recently, just several years after moving out. I'm not proud my short temper or my brutal honesty. I'm also not proud of the amount of fights I used to get into when I was in high school, being bullied but I try my best to find something to help me cool off, without hurting people. If I were to be in a relationship with a woman, I just hope she doesn't get intimidated by me or think I'm some complete psychotic monster. I just hope she still sees me as a human being with human emotional struggles.

Edited by Aztecgentlman480
More details, corrections
Posted (edited)

honesty doesnt have to be unkind...its delivered gently ..shouldnt be an attack to make a person feel les than what they are even fi they have done the wrong thing..if honesty si a rebuke it should be more about what is right to you rather than what is wrong with the person......you can be blunt...and to the point...in no way of form is that to put another person down...

 

my son is mentally impaired ....daughter comes to me mum my brother stinks, he wont listen to me i have told him he stinks..i have told him twice now....i told him i wan tto throw up when he breathes on me...... if you dont tell him he stinks and he should brush his teeth i am going to kill him he is not allowed in my room forever i mean it this time i gave in last time this time its forever ....im goign tothrow my fan at him................mum to son...son ....you need to have a shower right now....i m turning off the internet until you do .....i have some nice soap in my room.....come see me...honesty vs blunt unnecessary honesty...honesty won....mum won..daughter of course happy....son...smells good..internet goes back on.....son walks into daughters room...silence......sometimes and this sucks...i become blunt unnecessary honesty...son you stink....muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum you soound like my sister.insert swear words here....back forth back forth.......you shouldnt sound like her...voices raised...mexican stand off...not quiet at ok corral.....son has shower and cries...........deb

Edited by todreaminblue
Posted
I've tried to save up some money for therapy recently, just several years after moving out. I'm not proud my short temper or my brutal honesty. I'm also not proud of the amount of fights I used to get into when I was in high school, being bullied but I try my best to find something to help me cool off, without hurting people. If I were to be in a relationship with a woman, I just hope she doesn't get intimidated by me or think I'm some complete psychotic monster. I just hope she still sees me as a human being with human emotional struggles.

 

Fights when you were younger?

I would suggest it's best to focus on saving and getting that therapy than trying to date. Dating costs money but if you got into fights you don't know for absolute sure that you wouldn't hit someone you were in a relationship with.

 

Get some anger management therapy, help for your childhood abuse.

I think the anger management would also help with the bluntness.

 

People in your life will not act/react how you want or expect them to a lot of the time and you need to learn how to control your emotions when it happens.

Emotions is a big part of dating and relationships so to date now would be dangling yourself and more importantly them (unwittingly) over a melting pot.

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Posted
Fights when you were younger?

I would suggest it's best to focus on saving and getting that therapy than trying to date. Dating costs money but if you got into fights you don't know for absolute sure that you wouldn't hit someone you were in a relationship with.

 

Get some anger management therapy, help for your childhood abuse.

I think the anger management would also help with the bluntness.

 

People in your life will not act/react how you want or expect them to a lot of the time and you need to learn how to control your emotions when it happens.

Emotions is a big part of dating and relationships so to date now would be dangling yourself and more importantly them (unwittingly) over a melting pot.

Yeah, I'll do that so I can at least help change myself to a normal, happy person. By the way, I never got into fights back in my high school years for no reason, that was mainly due to bullies constantly harassing and hazing me.

Posted
Yeah, I'll do that so I can at least help change myself to a normal, happy person. By the way, I never got into fights back in my high school years for no reason, that was mainly due to bullies constantly harassing and hazing me.

 

I don't know the situations but unless they had a knife to your throat/gun to your chest and you rlife is in danger there is always a choice to get away rather than fight.

 

A little story - I came downstairs on Saturday morning with coffee cups with dregs in, I had asked my guy did he want a coffee before heading upstairs.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs he was stood there waiting for me and watching me.

He said something - something to do with our day ahead (what time we were gonna go out or something) and whilst doing so he stood right in front of me as I had turned to respond to him.

I replied and then went to move to walk to the kitchen to make the coffee.

Next thing I howl, a painful sharp jab hit the tissues between my ribs.

He had attempted to stop me walking to the kitchen and had poked me hard in the ribs.

 

This resulted in a 6 week ligament injury.

I at the time asked him why he had not just spoken to me or placed the palm of his hand on me and his reply was that I was walking away so I 'made him' poke me.

Shortly after we caught up with his closest friends. His best buddy noticed I was in pain and asked why, he asked if my guy had done something.

I mentioned what had happened - my guy was adamant he was justified in poking me hard in the ribs.

His friend, not so much and he tried to explain that there was no need to do that. His friend also saying that my guy had to realise he was much stronger and twice the size of me (he was 16 st, I'm 8 stone).

 

This is why I've bolded 'for no reason' in your post.

We all have choices and plenty of them. Still my guy insisted I made him/forced him/he had no choice but to blah blah. He did have a choice.

 

This is one of the things therapy would teach you. You have recognised your anger, bluntness but as yet the cause for it all is on those around you - this is the way with abusers. The blame is all upon the other party.

One you can see you had/have a choice and you can take responsibility for it is the point where you will be able to change and grow from this.

This debate/wet on for around an hour

Posted
blow up in one big flame rather than blowing up in constant little flames,

 

Neither of these things. Whether it be small frequent or occasional large blow ups, I do not accept blow ups at all. I want someone who is calm and who expressed their needs and frustrations in a calm manner.

 

And yes, these people exist. In the 25 years my partner and I have been together, we've had our disagreements but he's never raised his voice at me. I have raised my voice at him once during this time (he drove drunk). I've never seen my parents raise their voices at each other...and my partner is the same.

 

Back when I was dating, things like road rage or how a partner deals with frustrations in life is part of my stay or go equation.

Posted

Yep, total turnoff.

 

So you say you would never hit a woman, but you very likely intimidate and scare the hell out of them and make them feel extremely threatened by your outbursts, so kudos for not punching her, but c'mon, you're still accomplishing the same thing. I'm guessing you break a lot of stuff. Punch a wall, throw the remote up against the wall, etc. Not endearing. Expensive. It's better to deal with your anger before it turns into a screaming/violent outburst.

 

The thing is, the "small flames" are better. If you lock yourself up and bottle it all up, people don't know what they're doing that's making you so angry, and you're also not learning how to adequately control your emotion and make changes to a situation that upsets you. A partner needs to know what it is that bothers you. Some things can change, others, you really have to get a grip and accept that not everything will go your way, but instead you have a tantrum. So no. Not okay.

 

You also don't have to say everything you're thinking. It is completely unnecessary to blurt out vile words towards someone when they make you mad or you think they're a jerk. Just because you think you're girlfriend is being a b--, doesn't mean you should say it out loud. That's not brutally honest, that's being an abusive jerk. There are ways to express what you think without belittling someone, calling names, and putting them down. That's verbal abuse.

 

I was married to an abuser. You walk on eggshells a lot because you never know what's going to set him off or when. I certainly won't walk that walk again. If anger reaches levels of that proportion, you're not dealing with your anger and emotion in a healthy way.

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Posted
I ask because I'll admit do have a bad temper, especially since I used to get emotionally, sexually and physically abused by my parents, causing me PTSD from that. I do a very good job at bottling it up somehow. However, I'm one of those people who blow up in one big flame rather than blowing up in constant little flames, meaning you do NOT want to test my patience. It'd be the very last thing any person would want.

 

Once a person figures out how to piss me off pretty good, it becomes very ugly. However, I'd certainly never physically abuse my future girlfriend or violently lash out with no control, no matter how scary I may sound but I do my best.

 

As for brutal honesty, I'm usually only brutally honest to people judging by their attitude and if they come off as jerks to me. If I'm in a bad mood, then I'll just be full on brutally honest towards everyone if they ask me a question they expect an honest answer from.

 

I am sorry but no-one wants to get involved in all of that.

It would it be very hard to live with, (she would be continually walking on eggshells and living in a constant state of anxiety and fear) but most stable women would just walk away from all that of the drama.

It would also be hard for her to be seen out in public. or have a decent social life with you, as who knows when someone could say something to you and you end up blowing up which would embarrass her and no doubt her friends too. People value their friends, she would not want you going on one of your brutal honesty tirades in front of her friends, would she?

 

People with anger issues and out of control emotions, scare people.

 

People just simply want to be happy, they do not want to be exposed to brutal honesty, as brutal honesty hurts and offends people, and they certainly do not want to be exposed to out of control blow outs, over things which most would pass on and ignore.

 

I am sorry for your upbringing, but you need to get your emotions under control before dating anyone.

Therapy is required here.

You have identified you have a problem, and that is always a good first step.

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Posted

What happened to you was horrible. I hope you get some help working through it but that is no justification for being rude. It looks like you are trying to excuse boorish behavior.

 

 

I prefer diplomacy & tact to so called brutal honesty. To me, when people say brutal honesty they are trying to justify being mean. For example: if someone tries on a garment & looks awful in there is no need to say "you look like **** in that". Instead you can say, "that's not a good look for you; something else would be more flattering."

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Posted

I'll be brutally honest with you . . . a man who is unable to control his temper and is, at best, borderline abusive is not going to be in my life for very long.

 

While it is difficult and unfortunate that you suffer with PTSD, you are fully aware of that "condition" and seem to understand what it's about, etc. That makes you responsible for managing and controlling symptoms. It is not to be used as a crutch to support/justify bad behavior.

 

A person in your situation would benefit from counseling and therapy to learn/maintain healthy coping skills and managing anger.

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Posted

I'm very sorry for your past experiences, every child deserves a loving and supportive home and what you lived was far from ideal.

 

But to be brutally honest, your behavior would be a total turn off for me. One of the things that is required for a healthy relationship is the ability to regulate and manage your own emotions... It sounds like you do not have that ability at this time. I would never want to be in a relationship with someone if I was afraid and walking on eggshells for fear that he would get angry and explode.

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Posted
By the way, I never got into fights back in my high school years for no reason, that was mainly due to bullies constantly harassing and hazing me.

 

 

that has morphed now into punishing women when you perceive them bullying/harassing when all they are doing is getting clarification/consistency from you, hence asking if your reaction to that is a turn off to women. You turn into your parent when you feel your "authority" is being challenged.

 

Therapy before girlfriends. No one who is mentally healthy and whole is going to tolerate that abuse.

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Posted
Is it a turn off to women if a man is brutally honest and can have a short-temper?

 

If he's attractive, he's passionate. If he's unattractive, he's a abusive and creepy.

 

When I read your topic I was reminded of a wonderfully raw film I saw in my youth which explained the dynamic perfectly, called '

?'

 

Take away the power of beauty and celebrity and examine the behaviors.... interesting stuff. If you're young and don't know who the people are there, they were married in real life too, twice :D

 

What I've seen a lot in life is that attractive guys with a short fuse and a skill with sweet talk (after) go far with women. Props to them.

Posted

What I've seen a lot in life is that attractive guys with a short fuse and a skill with sweet talk (after) go far with women. Props to them.

 

Perhaps, but not for long if she is an emotionally healthy woman looking for a healthy relationship. An intelligent, emotionally healthy woman will more than likely see the situation for what it is - emotional abuse inflicted by an unhappy and unhealthy partner.

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Posted

I realize PTSD is a bear to live with because I had it on a smaller scale before and finally mostly got over it.

 

But what you need is anger management. Anger management will teach you that your anger is fear and usually misplaced. It will make you more aware of what is really going on, which makes you motivated to change it since a fair amount of people see it for what it really is, which is weak, not strong, and fearful, not secure.

 

Yes, if you haven't done therapy, you also need that, of course. I suspect you have.

 

Rage and bluntness is a turnoff and red flag to anyone with any common sense, male or female, as you should know from your childhood. Good luck.

Posted
I ask because I'll admit do have a bad temper, especially since I used to get emotionally, sexually and physically abused by my parents, causing me PTSD from that. I do a very good job at bottling it up somehow. However, I'm one of those people who blow up in one big flame rather than blowing up in constant little flames, meaning you do NOT want to test my patience. It'd be the very last thing any person would want.

 

Once a person figures out how to piss me off pretty good, it becomes very ugly. However, I'd certainly never physically abuse my future girlfriend or violently lash out with no control, no matter how scary I may sound but I do my best.

 

As for brutal honesty, I'm usually only brutally honest to people judging by their attitude and if they come off as jerks to me. If I'm in a bad mood, then I'll just be full on brutally honest towards everyone if they ask me a question they expect an honest answer from.

 

The temper is the worse of the two. Being brutually honest depends on where you live. In New York it goes over great in California not so much. You should stay true to your honesty but under that women typically don't respond well to honest comments to their appearance, but if they can't deal with honest communication about behavior then they aren't worth dating.

Posted

I think that depends on the individual and the issue at hand.

 

I personally don't feel like being brutally honest is a turn-off, in most instances.....but again, that could very well depend on the situation.

 

In regards to the bad temper....that would probably be a turn-off. But with that said, if the situation warrants that type of behavior, then I may look at it as acceptable.

 

It all just really depends. Lol :)

Posted
Perhaps, but not for long if she is an emotionally healthy woman looking for a healthy relationship. An intelligent, emotionally healthy woman will more than likely see the situation for what it is - emotional abuse inflicted by an unhappy and unhealthy partner.

They simply replace one woman with another. It's not difficult. Few relationships in life last for life anyway. A woman is turned-on until she's not, then she's turned-off. That can happen anytime, anywhere, for any reason or no reason at all. Men who are successful with women, throughout life, understand this.

 

Guys who spend a lot of time self-analyzing and winding a minefield of trying to attract and keep a woman will generally fail at it. Why? Because he loses sight of himself. If he's cool with being brutally honest and having a short temper, he's cool. Some women will be turned off. If he's always politically correct and eternally patient, some women will be turned off. Etc, etc.

 

I did note who did most of the talking in the movie scene I quoted. In real life, a great example of a mixed bag of health and unhealth who had no problem either being famous or attracting scores of men. It's the same way for men. There are billions of people on the planet and relatively few, practically none, will ever be of any consequence.

 

The OP apparently has a red tape running from peer integration and my anecdote for him is to accept that he will always have it running and the work is to accept it and move forward. It might erase over time but I doubt it. He'd have better luck if he had been the bully. They seem to forget all the damage they do and go on to live pretty peacefully and productively, 'maturing' into healthy males who are attractive.

 

OP, therapy can help, mainly with processing tools. By processing I mean accepting the emotions as they occur and processing them into what you believe are healthy behaviors. Women will never understand the male mind in the same we we males will never understand the female mind. We can only observe their actions to see what they embrace and shun and go from there.

Posted

It's important to understand that honesty and truth aren't synonymous. If you can absorb that information and train your mind to silently cite this in every situation, it might help to take the edge off your brutality and anger.

Posted (edited)
Fights when you were younger?

I would suggest it's best to focus on saving and getting that therapy than trying to date. Dating costs money but if you got into fights you don't know for absolute sure that you wouldn't hit someone you were in a relationship with.

 

Im sorry but i disagree on this one. Obviously i can not say for sure that this applies to these circumstances but i have had the same thing said to me before.

 

Just because a man has a bad temper does not mean he would ever hit a woman in a relationship.

 

I have a short fuse and a vicious temper if pushed and it does not even take much to get me to that point. But the morale of the story is that i have never hit a woman in a relationship.

 

A bad temper with men is one thing but it should not be assumed that the man responds the same with women. Of course this does not mean he will not!

 

Aztecgentlman480 I have never explained the temper i have to women i have dated or the girl im currently dating. Because its simply not important providing you can control it around her. Try and sway your bad temper and honest attitude to being protective which most women who have dated me have always noticed and liked. As a side note ask your doctor to check your testosterone levels. Mine currently is at a tremendously high level and i can see a huge increase in my temper and aggression. Although its still completely controllable - i just wont take any bull**** :D

 

Bullying and some serious incidents during my school days i believe caused my temper issues also. This naturally has stemmed to a seriously vicious temper with men when provoked or pushed. But i can control it (to a extent) and thats really what is important.

Edited by SWIPE_ME_NOT
Posted (edited)
I ask because I'll admit do have a bad temper, especially since I used to get emotionally, sexually and physically abused by my parents, causing me PTSD from that. I do a very good job at bottling it up somehow. However, I'm one of those people who blow up in one big flame rather than blowing up in constant little flames, meaning you do NOT want to test my patience. It'd be the very last thing any person would want.

 

Once a person figures out how to piss me off pretty good, it becomes very ugly. However, I'd certainly never physically abuse my future girlfriend or violently lash out with no control, no matter how scary I may sound but I do my best.

 

As for brutal honesty, I'm usually only brutally honest to people judging by their attitude and if they come off as jerks to me. If I'm in a bad mood, then I'll just be full on brutally honest towards everyone if they ask me a question they expect an honest answer from.

 

As a guy who has had more than a fair share of trauma in his life and can directly relate to your post, I can tell you that a short temper is definitely a turn-off to women. Women want men who are dependable and unmovable like a rock. When a man is emotional unstable, a woman cannot allow herself to relax and feel safe in her connection with him. She will feel she has to be perfect. She will worry that she can potentially set you off. She will resort to lying and not being herself as a way to protect herself from your mood swings. Of course, this will only upset you more. Women really don't mind when a man has an occasional emotional moment when the situation calls for it. After all, you're a human being. Moreover, women respect men who are self-aware of their feelings and use those feelings to build their character further. Basically, women appreciate a man who uses his emotions, not men who are used by their emotions. When your emotions lead to destruction, that's not good. When your emotions, even the bad ones, lead you to be productive and grow more maturely, then that is a beautiful thing.

 

It took me YEARS to deal with my trauma issues and the emotional triggers that stood with me for what seemed like forever afterward. What helped me was a combination of therapy (for five years!), working out, meditating, using the arts as an emotional outlet, and joining different social communities. Probably only a year ago did I really notice a significant change. Even now I still feel I have moments where I feel overwhelmed, but it's more like once every few months rather than once every few days or weeks, and I never lash out at people around me these days. I have more mature ways of talking through things and am a lot better for it. You can be too, but it sounds like you still have some work to do before you get to that point. Just know it is possible.

Edited by TunaInTheBrine
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