mindmischief Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 TL;DR: We don't share many common interests at all, she can see a future with me but I'm doubting it. Hey all, Joined this forum because I'm going through some things that I would like an external input on. So, I've been dating my girlfriend for two years. I had JUST gotten out of a really crappy relationship when I started dating her. My girl, let's call her Ann, is the exact opposite of my ex. Ann is innocent, cheerful, bubbly, etc. She had the attitude I needed at the time of my separation from my ex. She supports me in all my endeavors (music mostly), she tries to get into the things I'm into (bands, food she usually wouldn't like, etc), which is wonderful because she compromises for me and genuinely gives her all into the relationship. And I truly try to do the same. I support her, see from her point of view, etc. The problem is, the relationship is like at 80-90% of being perfect. We never fight, we never worry about infidelity, we pretty much live together and get along fine. The problem is, we're pretty different. She isn't actually into any of the music I'm into, or movies, or 99% of food, or activities. If we were represented as activities and likes, she is mac n cheese and soda for dinner every night, staying in, the same 3 pop artists, Disney movies, really doesn't like going to concerts. I'm going on walks, listening to every thing I can listen to, watching indie films and documentaries, trying every new food I can, going to concerts when I can and experiencing new things. We generally don't have much to talk about. We get along fine, never fight, like I said, but we're so different. She wanted to move in together, and I told her I wasn't sure if I was ready, which is the truth. I have this doubt in my mind. I've told her that we're really different. She acknowledged it, but her argument is that people don't have to be very similar to be compatible. Which is true. To a point. Don't people need to share some things in common? My dear friend has said that I don't quite look at her like she looks at me. It's like she's at 100% into this, I'm not quite there, and not sure if I will be. TL;DR: We don't share many common interests at all, she can see a future with me but I'm doubting it.
Simple Logic Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 I don't find what you are describing as all that uncommon. A better question is what common goals do you share? If you have differing goals you are sunk. 2
Author mindmischief Posted April 8, 2017 Author Posted April 8, 2017 Thank you for the reply! Our goals are similar to a point. We both are wanting to live in the same city for now (I may want to travel a little but that's only a recent desire), generally have careers in mind that wouldn't require moving away etc, probably have the same stance on eventual children (wait until we're secure). What other goals should I be considering?
MoreThanThat Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 If you feel this way after this long, I doubt things will improve. If you're the type of person that really needs a spark (and it sounds like you are), eventually things will come to a head. I married a man after 5 years where I was at 75% and he was 110%. 10 years later and I had nothing but regret for both of us. Differences are fine. But if the spark is missing and you need that, that's different. Check out Mark Manson's 'f-k yes' article on dating. I shouldn't have settled for anything but that. 1
Kitchen Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 So this was a rebound that turned into long term? My ex gf is in the same conundrum. She's engaged now but it appears the engagement may be falling apart. If you don't feel it now, you never will. You don't want to wake up in 10 years and feel the regret. You'll ruin two lives that way. Follow your heart. 1
todreaminblue Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 would you want to date yourself....me ...its nah ...i want different i dont want to date me.....i just want a guy who has the same values and beliefs to make it less choppy......i want a guy to be himself to have his own interests and i dont expect him to love everything i do .....i want him to try new things......and i will too...and we can discuss then why we like things or why we dont...and have a laugh along the way.......when he comes back after doing things he likes to do i want to hear what he did how he felt what fun he had and get caught up in his passion even if i dont do it myself......and hope he would be interested in me enough to listen to what i love to do and share my passions too in that way...by sharing our days together ... doesnt have to be doing the same things the same way every day...that would be weird.....we could have exactly no similarities or likes..but...fi the guy i am with is willing to try new things.....nto everything..but some things...then we will find things we like to do together...i guarantee that everyone woudl fidn things they enjoy together if they give new a go......deb
mightycpa Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 If you can't manage to put in the energy to be at least a little interested in what the other does, you'll soon be roommates who have sex. Then the sex will dwindle and someone will come along and spark somebody's interest. I'm not going to suggest that you get out now. I will say that I would, based on what you've described. 1
Author mindmischief Posted April 8, 2017 Author Posted April 8, 2017 So this was a rebound that turned into long term? My ex gf is in the same conundrum. She's engaged now but it appears the engagement may be falling apart. If you don't feel it now, you never will. You don't want to wake up in 10 years and feel the regret. You'll ruin two lives that way. Follow your heart. Yes it was essentially a rebound. That's what I'm worried about, that I'll end up regretting it if I don't break it off. If you feel this way after this long, I doubt things will improve. If you're the type of person that really needs a spark (and it sounds like you are), eventually things will come to a head. I married a man after 5 years where I was at 75% and he was 110%. 10 years later and I had nothing but regret for both of us. Differences are fine. But if the spark is missing and you need that, that's different. Check out Mark Manson's 'f-k yes' article on dating. I shouldn't have settled for anything but that. I am the kind of person that needs a spark. And when you don't share a lot of interests (if any) it's hard to feel that spark. I am absolutely fine with differences. It's when the differences start stacking up is when I'm worrying. would you want to date yourself....me ...its nah ...i want different i dont want to date me.....i just want a guy who has the same values and beliefs to make it less choppy......i want a guy to be himself to have his own interests and i dont expect him to love everything i do .....i want him to try new things......and i will too...and we can discuss then why we like things or why we dont...and have a laugh along the way.......when he comes back after doing things he likes to do i want to hear what he did how he felt what fun he had and get caught up in his passion even if i dont do it myself......and hope he would be interested in me enough to listen to what i love to do and share my passions too in that way...by sharing our days together ... doesnt have to be doing the same things the same way every day...that would be weird.....we could have exactly no similarities or likes..but...fi the guy i am with is willing to try new things.....nto everything..but some things...then we will find things we like to do together...i guarantee that everyone woudl fidn things they enjoy together if they give new a go......deb I am not expecting to date someone just like me, and I agree with you, it would be weird and boring. I'm just questioning if, after all our differences, and the fact that she's 110% and I'm not, if I should end it now. Having barely any similarities makes it hard. If you can't manage to put in the energy to be at least a little interested in what the other does, you'll soon be roommates who have sex. Then the sex will dwindle and someone will come along and spark somebody's interest. I'm not going to suggest that you get out now. I will say that I would, based on what you've described. That's the thing, we do put energy into being interested in what the other person is interested in. We do compromise and find middle ground despite our differences. What I'm questioning is, whether or not I'll be able to accept all our differences. One way that I described it, to my father, is that it's like she's not an old soul. Sure, she's kind, generous, smart, the list goes on, but I feel like there's a deep connection that's missing. We don't connect on a spiritual level. What I always relate it to is music, that's my background. It's like music doesn't move her. She wouldn't get goosebumps listening to a profound piece of music. I think that says more about her: I don't get the feeling she's truly connected to things on a spiritual level like I am. My main issue is this: It feels so wrong considering breaking off something that is good the majority of the time. My mind is saying, "Are you crazy? She supports you, she's faithful, she's kind, why would you leave?" It's a contrast that is really messing with me. On the other hand, we're both really young. Which is good in many aspects: we both have room to grow, whether together or separate. Maybe we cross paths again and she has matured more. Maybe things change as we're together. That's what's tearing me apart: I can see it both ways.
todreaminblue Posted April 8, 2017 Posted April 8, 2017 Yes it was essentially a rebound. That's what I'm worried about, that I'll end up regretting it if I don't break it off. I am the kind of person that needs a spark. And when you don't share a lot of interests (if any) it's hard to feel that spark. I am absolutely fine with differences. It's when the differences start stacking up is when I'm worrying. I am not expecting to date someone just like me, and I agree with you, it would be weird and boring. I'm just questioning if, after all our differences, and the fact that she's 110% and I'm not, if I should end it now. Having barely any similarities makes it hard. That's the thing, we do put energy into being interested in what the other person is interested in. We do compromise and find middle ground despite our differences. What I'm questioning is, whether or not I'll be able to accept all our differences. One way that I described it, to my father, is that it's like she's not an old soul. Sure, she's kind, generous, smart, the list goes on, but I feel like there's a deep connection that's missing. We don't connect on a spiritual level. What I always relate it to is music, that's my background. It's like music doesn't move her. She wouldn't get goosebumps listening to a profound piece of music. I think that says more about her: I don't get the feeling she's truly connected to things on a spiritual level like I am. My main issue is this: It feels so wrong considering breaking off something that is good the majority of the time. My mind is saying, "Are you crazy? She supports you, she's faithful, she's kind, why would you leave?" It's a contrast that is really messing with me. On the other hand, we're both really young. Which is good in many aspects: we both have room to grow, whether together or separate. Maybe we cross paths again and she has matured more. Maybe things change as we're together. That's what's tearing me apart: I can see it both ways. i think its better to have balance....its good to have a person who gets passionate about music.....i am that.....i can listen to music in a different language not understand it all and be overwhelmed with emotion.....with my ex ...he would chuckle.....put his arm around me kiss my hair and say awww debs......he didnt feel it like i did but what he did was perfect because right at that time i need to feel calmer...i dont liek bursting into tears....he provided me comfort and made em feel ok about being overly emotional...i try so hard nto to be overwhelmed but i cant stop it...its nice to have someone stroking my back ....it makes me feel understood......i dont need a guy crying with me..... then i would have to worry about him and comfort him i would feel his uncomfortableness.....most men dotn liek to cry ...they are conditioned not to ......i woudl want him to feel understood while i was overwhelmed and embarrassed myself...does that make sense to you....i need a calming influence..because i am so passionate i need someone who will tell me hey your cool your ok you dont look like a freak i love you anyway....and kiss my hair rub my back....be kind to me.......and understanding...because i am often embarrassed by my inability to control tears...and i try really hard stare at ceilings...corners...chairs...doesnt work....i also dont need a man who would be embarrassed by me.......i would not be right for that guy.... sometimes that balance is better than similarity...in fact .....preferrable...deb
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