What are your thoughts on this guy I dated?

[Fatima_Pirzada]

The situation ended a few weeks ago and we haven't spoken at all since, but I am still confused about why it happened in the way that it did. Perhaps one of you can provide some interesting insight.

 

In mid January, a month after breaking up with my long term boyfriend, my friends jokingly set me up a tinder profile. I went along with it because I found it quite funny and told them I probably wasn't going to use it at all. In the next 24 hours, I swiped left on most guys and the few I did match with came across as creepy. I received a super like from a pretty good looking and seemingly charming (based on his short, but witty bio) guy and swiped right. He engaged me in good conversation from the start and spoke constantly over the next five days before meeting up for crazy golf and dinner for our first date.

 

Now let me give you a lowdown on what I had gathered about him as a person before we went on a date and a bit about myself. I'm a final year uni student living in Birmingham, UK. He's in his penultimate year at university in Nottingham and is living in Birmingham while he completes a year long internship as a part of his course. Before meeting him, I had only every been involved with my ex, who I was with for two and half years. My tinder man has had three serious relationships since the age of eighteen, each lasting 4 - 6 months. I gathered in between he had had A LOT of flings. I later came to find out I was girl number twenty.

 

I was apprehensive about the first date. Given his history and the fact he seemed a little on the cocky side, I wasn't sure how he'd come across. I did enjoy the banter we had over text - I am a fairly strogn character and give as good as I get, so I appreciate a challenge. My ex had a similar personality in certain respects.

 

However, it went very well. There wassn't a single dull or awkward moment. We spoke incredibly frankly about our past relationships, our families, our education and aspirations and our interests. We had a debate or two and disagreed in several areas, yet it didn't bother either of us. He appeared at first to have a lot of the traits I think I look for - ambition, confidence, strong minded, while being fun and open to new experiences. At the end of the date he asked me what I would say to a second date - dinner round at his - and I said yes. He told me later it was one of the strangest first dates he'd ever been on - but that it was also very, very good.

 

Second date went just as well. Naturally, one thing almost led to another. But I did not sleep with him then and there. I told him I wasn't interested in casual sex and I a) wanted to get to know someone b) wanted there to be a strong connection and potential for a relationship before sleeping with him. He didn't push, but he did make a point that it was unusual. Of all his past conquests, he said only one had made him wait more than a few dates and that was his longest relationship - which only ended because she had to return to her home country. He had already told me about her before, so it wasn't the first I'd heard of her. But he said he respected that.

 

We met up once or twice a week for the next month and texted every evening. We told each other a lot about ourselves. Every date and every conversation felt as good as the previous one. He didn't ever sound too unbelieveable (but maybe I was being incredibly naive) but he made his feelings towards me clear: he got on really well with me, liked talking and hanging out with me, felt that we were very similar characters and that I generally understood him, and that there was chemistry. He said he felt comfortable being himself around me and that he could see us in a relationship. There were a few occasions before I finally decided I was ready that he did attempt to have sex with me. After the last one, I told him that I thought I might be ready, but even if we weren't official, we would have to be exclusive. He agreed. And the next time, I slept with him.

 

Aaaaaand then it got weird. We carried out talking as normal over the next few days. I didn't suspect a thing until he asked casually in the middle of conversation if I was sure that I couldn't just do friends with benefits. I flat out refused and decided I would take it up with him in person during our next date. We went to dinner and then back to his. He told me on the car journey to his that he wasn't sure he was ready to commit. Why? Well he didn't want to do long distance when he returned to Nottingham. This was partly because - he strongly implied - he had a reputation to uphold. And he didn't want to commit fully for the next few months before he went (which I said I was willing to do) because he was scared of falling for someone. He told me he committed in the short term to the girl who moved back to her home country and, having got invested and hurt when she left, he didn't want to do it again. But he did still want to casually date / friends with benefits until the end of his internship, because he did like me and didn't think he'd find anyone he'd get on with better while he was here.

 

I was fuming. We both tried to get our way - I argued he should commit to seeing me exclusively while he insisted we should keep dating casually. Both of us admitted we didn't want to throw our relationship away entirely. We decided to stay friends. He did imply during this time that there were certain aspects of my personality he wasn't as attracted to me as he originally made out. As these were directly contradictory with what he had said previously I figured he was either showing his true colours or making excuses for his own behaviour. Weeks later and a few platonic meet ups later, he told me he couldn't just be friends and didn't want to see me again. He said he still wanted to keep in touch, although I gathered from his conversation of late that it was rather half hearted. I was starting more conversations than he was. I told him I could see he wasn't really interested and I wasn't going to embarrass myself by still talking to him. No words have been exchanged since.

 

I was - possibly am - more hurt by it than I wanted to admit. I just find it hard to digest he wasted so much of his own time chasing a girl that he probably knew he wouldn't be able to ensnare in the way he wanted. But I guess that's the thrill. I do believe he did quite like me - but it was his priorities and lack of maturity that sabotaged any potential. I did say he should keep in touch - but I think I can be sure I probably won't hear anything now.

 

So, what do you make of this?

[enddeck]

You met a player and he played you.You were a challenge to him but once you gave in and slept with him the challenge ended.I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but you meant absolutely nothing to him.comfort yourself with the thought you made him wait so long for sex.

[OatsAndHall]

Honestly, stay away from the guy. He's learned to "play the game" well and is pretty adept at getting women into bed and has probably had success at keeping them hanging on while he screws around with other women. He almost sounds like a sociopath to me. The "frank" conversations about former relationships is one thing... Describing the number of partners is another. I spent my college years getting drunk and chasing women and I am not proud of the number of partners I have had I don't share this information unless asked directly.

 

Be very wary of any guy that starts pushing sex in any way. Ditch them in a hurry if they press the issue after you've established a boundary as it shows that they don't respect you. There have been a few rare occasions where things have gotten hot and heavy between a women and I after a few dates and we've ended up sleeping together. That high level of intimacy needs to develop on both people's timelines and neither party should be pushing it.

[act00]

I think you met up with a guy that you knew was only temporarily going to be in your area, and that it was a risk. Did you think that this is something you would have wanted, as in, a long distance relationship?

 

I think it was a good way to get your feet wet after your breakup. He is a guy you have very much enjoyed being with, and again another risk, you fell for him a bit harder than you expected.

 

There are rebounds, and this had the potential of not going the long term anyway. I think you had a really good first start back into the dating pool.

 

I do not think you are wrong for expecting to be exclusive.

 

You're not on the same page, obviously, and it hurts. It would hurt when he went back to Nottingham, never to be seen again. It would hurt if you tried a LDR and that failed.

 

There's just risk when it comes to dating, no matter how you slice it.

 

I can't say if he was playing you or not. He seemed to like you well enough and probably still does. The thing is, even if he chooses to be exclusive, when he leaves, how painful is that going to be for you? For him?

 

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here in that he really did like you, but life is just a bit topsy turvy right now. He's not there permanently. I agree with the other posters that he's a bit of a player, and since he's leaving, he's just going to have his cake and eat it too with no real commitment. He enjoys bedding women, and he knows how to charm the pants off of them.

 

Either way, just enjoy the time you had as a memory. It sounds like it was a great time.

[Fatima_Pirzada]

I think you met up with a guy that you knew was only temporarily going to be in your area, and that it was a risk. Did you think that this is something you would have wanted, as in, a long distance relationship?

 

I think it was a good way to get your feet wet after your breakup. He is a guy you have very much enjoyed being with, and again another risk, you fell for him a bit harder than you expected.

 

There are rebounds, and this had the potential of not going the long term anyway. I think you had a really good first start back into the dating pool.

 

I do not think you are wrong for expecting to be exclusive.

 

You're not on the same page, obviously, and it hurts. It would hurt when he went back to Nottingham, never to be seen again. It would hurt if you tried a LDR and that failed.

 

There's just risk when it comes to dating, no matter how you slice it.

 

I can't say if he was playing you or not. He seemed to like you well enough and probably still does. The thing is, even if he chooses to be exclusive, when he leaves, how painful is that going to be for you? For him?

 

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here in that he really did like you, but life is just a bit topsy turvy right now. He's not there permanently. I agree with the other posters that he's a bit of a player, and since he's leaving, he's just going to have his cake and eat it too with no real commitment. He enjoys bedding women, and he knows how to charm the pants off of them.

Either way, just enjoy the time you had as a memory. It sounds like it was a great time.

 

In answer to your question, I would have done my best to make it work long distance. For about ten months, I did the same with my ex boyfriend, and while it was hard, it was not the reason for our eventual break up. At the beginning of seeing this new guy, the question of what would happen after he finished his internship came up and I made it clear if we liked each other enough I would put my all into an LDR. He knew where I stood.

 

I agree with the bit in bold. I think while he probably is a an ass to some degree, any goodness and potential in him as a serious boyfriend was counteracted by the fact that it was the wrong place and the wrong time.

[GemmaUK]

Personally I wouldn't have agreed to go to his place for date #2.

That was an invite intended for sex and then he said it was 'unusual' for sex not to happen - that was a little put down towards you right there.

If by any chance I had gone to his place then that comment would have alerted me enough to stop all contact.

 

Eventually he said all the words you wanted to hear and got you into bed.

[Fatima_Pirzada]

Personally I wouldn't have agreed to go to his place for date #2.

That was an invite intended for sex and then he said it was 'unusual' for sex not to happen - that was a little put down towards you right there.

If by any chance I had gone to his place then that comment would have alerted me enough to stop all contact.

 

Eventually he said all the words you wanted to hear and got you into bed.

 

I think with regards to the second date – I kind of knew what he was likely after. But I brushed it off because I thought it would give me the opportunity to set my boundaries and see whether he would be willing to wait. My warped logic didn’t quite work!