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Girlfriend left me, we agreed to no contact , is it right decision?

Apc33

By Apc33
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Apc33 New Member

Apc33

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My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. We were together for just over 1 year. I cared for her alot and I'm finding it really hard to move on. The relationship started to go downhill a few months ago. She has been dealing with personal issues and was diagnosed with major depression and ocd.

 

Over the past few months we had sex less and less until eventually we stopped completely for at least 4 months. The depression and anxiety caused her to lose her sex drive and any type of intimacy, even kissing or cuddling would cause her anxiety. I tried my best to support her but the lack of affection affected me. I kept it to myself mostly but it caused me nights of worry and stress. It was hard not to take it personally. I knew it was because of the issues she was dealing with but over time it ate away at my self esteem after so much rejection from her. My reaction made her worse too.

 

She could see how it made me sad. I knew it would take time to get better, I have a history of depression too so I knew things could get worse before they get better. I made the decision to stay and try my best to support her because I love her and we had a great connection. I watched her decline over the months and it hurts so much. A few days ago she said we shouldn't see each other anymore. She said she needs to focus on herself and getting better and that she needs to do it alone.

 

She said she doesn't feel anything, and being around anyone or trying to be intimate gives her anxiety. She doesnt want to try making a plan or seeing if giving her more space would help, she just wants to stop seeing each other . She kept telling me it's nothing to do with me or how I treated her and that it is all because of how she is right now. She's recently started on medication and is starting therapy.

 

A few months before we started seeing each other she had just got out of a 6 year relationship and she has remained good friends with her ex, they were seeing each other weekly, sometimes 2 times a week and texting everyday. It wasn't something I agreed with and it also caused alot of tension, because I know he still wanted to get back together with her.

 

We hung out 2 times after she left me and last night was when I saw her last. I told her I can't talk to her or see her anymore as friends because it hurts me too much. She cried and agreed and said she needs to be alone to get better. I just feel so hurt inside because I want to be here for her and support her but I know I can't do it as a friend because my feeling go beyond friendship. I know logically I need to move on but it just hurts.

 

She promised she'd reach out to me when she's better but she wants me to focus on myself(I was struggling with depression too during the past year and stopped working out and lost interest in my hobbies and friends). I know if I move on it will probably be the end of it , she'll probably meet someone new when she's better or maybe I will too. What should I do :(

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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NC will help you both heal. While the grief from the break up is fresh being around her will hurt because you wanted a relationship that worked & this didn't.

 

 

Stay away. Heal. Focus on yourself. Get healthy & then date somebody who doesn't have quite so many issues.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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NC will help you both heal. While the grief from the break up is fresh being around her will hurt because you wanted a relationship that worked & this didn't.

 

 

Stay away. Heal. Focus on yourself. Get healthy & then date somebody who doesn't have quite so many issues.

 

I agree with the above.

 

Also, I would say it was too soon for her to be dating anyone after her 6-year relationship. The fact that she and her ex remained in such close contact and saw each other so frequently is a bad sign; they still have feelings for each other.

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EmilyJane Established Member

EmilyJane

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The "I need to be alone to deal with x" is so typical of depression thinking that it's probably clinically diagnostic.

 

It's horrendous to be on the receiving end of but also please try to see it as a symptom of the illness. She can't think objectively at the moment but you can.

 

Do not take it personally and it is not your job to fix her.

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Apc33 New Member

Apc33

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I hung out with her yesturday. Stupid thing to do I guess because I felt worse after. We went for a walk and hung out at her place. Tried not to discuss us at all, but when I left she reiterated that I have to respect the decision she made. It sucks because we work together..On different sides of office but close enough that we'd run into each other ocassionally. She even came to sit with me for 10mins on Saturday during her break , a day after I told her we shouldn't see or talk to each other. I guess her coming to sit with me made me ask her to hang out yesturday. Still so confused and sad, barely ate in 3 days I'm going to see a therapist later today. I need help coping with this as well as other issues with my depression.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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This is why you have to go NC. Well partial NC, you still have to be professional at work. No sitting on your desk. No hanging out. If she comes by you point to this weekend & how it made you feel worse when you ask her to go away.

jamili Established Member

jamili

Posted
Posted
I hung out with her yesturday. Stupid thing to do I guess because I felt worse after. We went for a walk and hung out at her place. Tried not to discuss us at all, but when I left she reiterated that I have to respect the decision she made. It sucks because we work together..On different sides of office but close enough that we'd run into each other ocassionally. She even came to sit with me for 10mins on Saturday during her break , a day after I told her we shouldn't see or talk to each other. I guess her coming to sit with me made me ask her to hang out yesturday. Still so confused and sad, barely ate in 3 days I'm going to see a therapist later today. I need help coping with this as well as other issues with my depression.

 

Each time you hang out with her, keep communication with her, or anything of the sort, all you are doing is pushing her away from you intimately, becoming her "friend", causing her to lose respect for you, and basically hammering that final nail in the coffin when it comes to any future intimate relationship with this woman.

 

You did the right thing by telling her that you two shouldn't see or talk to each other. She was actually using you to help her move on. Her final assertion when you left, reminding you to not get the wrong idea... was basically proof that she doesnt miss you at all and reconciliation is NOT on her radar right now .

 

Go NC forever now. Dont answer her texts. Go ghost. Dont go on walks with her or hang out with her. Communicate professionally at work if you have to, but thats it. Time for you to walk away from this, and if she comes bqck someday it will be a longggggggggg time in the future, after strict NC. IF.

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