Remain confident in dating even though I've never had a boyfriend

[Countrycutie1986]

I'm a 30 year old woman who has been on lots of dates but never had an official boyfriend. I'm also a virgin although I didn't plan on this, Just wanted to be with someone I care about. This used to really get me down but I've worked on myself so much now I realize that I'm a great person and I've got so much to offer the right guy.

 

How do I deal with past relationships and sex questions that can come up on dates? I don't want my lack of experience to be seen as a red flag and knock me out of the running because I can't change my past but I don't want it to negativity effect my future either.

 

I've got a huge heart, great personality. I'm pretty and have a great laugh and I'm an all around great person. I've been on lots of dates and they go very well and then usually after the second or third date, they disappear.

 

I don't advertise any of this info. But I have been asked about my past relationships and I've heard men ask women the last time they had sex. Usually I just say that I've dated a lot but never found anyone I wanted to be serious with. That's very true. Then when they tellme about their past relationships, I get a little nervous inside and feel like how could I even compare with my lack of experience? Would I live up to the expectations he's used to? Because I'm sure there's a learning curve (with sex and relationships), I don't want to be out of the running because I'm a little late to the party. I've got a huge heart and I'm so kind and caring I know if given the chance I would be a great girlfriend.

 

In the past, when things haven't work out, I blame myself and get down on the fact that things haven't ever worked out in the past so why is it any different now, so it's like a vicious cycle. But I don't think like that anymore. I'm incredibly proud of my accomplishments in increasing my self esteem and remembering that I'm great whether I've got a boyfriend or not. I try to not think negatively Especially since I can't change the past, Just my view. but I still get bummed when it doesn't work out with a guy and then I wonder what I'm doing wrong? As I said this is the only area I really struggle in and I think it's because I've yet to feel successful in dating.

 

I'm usually a positive upbeat person but sometimes in this gets to me. I know what I want, and I realize there are so many men in the world, there have got to be many who would be a great fit for me and would love what I have to offer, it's just a matter of finding them. I guess I've been having trouble envisioning the future I want when I've not had the success I had hoped.

 

I know that just because someone doesn't recognize your value doesn't mean you're not valuable, it just takes the right person to appreciate you. I love that concept which gives me lots of hope that the right guy is our there looking for me, but I read various blogs about what men look for in a girlfriend and I think I've got a lot of those qualities. So then I do wonder if I've got all these things why hasn't it worked out yet?

 

As I've said I've been working on my self esteem for years and I've made huge progress which I'm so proud of.

 

I'm not waiting for marriage, but I want it to mean something. Just want to meet the right guy who I care about and he cares about me. I don't want this to be a red flag to guys I go out with but at my age it's pretty much assumed that there are few virgins and most people have been in relationships.

 

I've read some online forums with people in my situation and they were horribly made fun of, told they were losers and no one would date them. They were lost causes and given no hope. I don't believe that at all, everyone goes at their own pace and for those looking, there is someone out there looking for them.

I have read what you've written to others in similar situations and your kindness made me want to reach out. I know in my heart there are guys who would appreciate everything I've got to offer but I feel like I need a little encouragement that it will happen.

 

What advice do you have for me?

[Mkn1010]

I wanted to respond to say that I'm looking forward to seeing the answers to this post as I'm in a similar boat. I'm an 86 baby too, although I have had one long term boyfriend. But still feel very inexperienced. Otherwise, I've only even been on a handful of dates with men before either I or they call it quits.

 

 

I can tell you that I've been on dates with approximately 20 new men this last year. I liked 3 of them, which went beyond date 3. All 3 ended up telling me something to the effect of how they freaked out/weren't ready/weren't on my level etc YES ALL THREE. I posted here about the most recent one. I think this happens because somehow guys can sniff out that you're not the casual type, not one single bit. It's like they know they if they continue with you, they think it has to be for a very long road and basically they just fear committing to that IDEA.

 

 

Sadly, though, these men end up with lower quality women, and by that I mean women who play games and are good at 'appearing' casual AF when they have an agenda to get into a relationship but know how to play the long game. Men are really like babies and need to feel like something is light/no pressure/no responsibility of hurting the woman etc

 

 

The fact that you're not going to have sex early on with any potential suitors also adds to this pressure factor that they've built up in their head. Which it should really be something that makes them more inclined to give you a shot. This is a real problem for me and a man once told me that the higher the branch on the tree, the greater the fear to climb that high. He said that men don't realize that they feel better/reassured/less doubt when they go for the lower tree branches (lower quality women) as there's less risk. I'm not sure about you, but I've been told I'm 'marriage material' by many men who apparently find that off putting :/ I'm also a lawyer and incredibly independent, and I truly believe that men want to date more insecure women so that they can feel more needed.

 

 

I hope this makes sense. I don't know what the solution is but to continue to be true to yourself.

 

 

I'd love to hear a guy's perspective on this.

[Mkn1010]

I posted a whole response to this and it's gone

[Kitchen]

We live in such a promiscuous society that sex has become pretty meaningless to many people. I'm a male and your age. If I went out with a girl who told me she's never had sex, she'd score many points in my book. Not having to worry about imagining your gf with exes or previous escapades is a boon.

 

The guys who get disappointed with your lack of sexual history, most likely they are just disappointed they can't get into your pants quickly. You don't want that.

 

As far as relationship history goes. I would say exactly what you said here. That you've dated but haven't come across someone you're willing to give a chance. A commitment, etc.

 

Listen you come off as very conservative which is NOT a bad thing, in fact it's a good thing. As long as you've got confidence, and are fun to be around with, the lack of relationships won't matter. And the lack of sex would be a good thing.

[Mkn1010]

What I wanted to say is that I’m in a similar boat, 30 year old woman, but I have had ONE long term boyfriend (still very inexperienced though). So I’m interested to see the replies.

 

I’ll tell you a bit about my dating struggles. Over the last year, I went on about 20 dates via online dating. I liked 3 of them so agreed to further dates with those 3. ALL THREE of these men ended up telling me after a handful of dates that things to the effect of how they got freaked out/weren’tready/weren’t on my level. Yes, all three!! I posted recently about the latest one

 

So my guess is, guys can sniff out that you’re not the casual type and not anywhere near it. And it feels like too much of a leap for them to continue dating you, as though they will need to know whether to seriously pursue you long term and they just can’t commit to that idea! And interestingly, they end up in long term relationships anyway with more manipulative game playing women who keep their agenda for a long term relationship hidden and play the ‘causal AF’ card really well. So it makes me laugh.

 

I, too, am not on a timeline for marriage. I don’t even know if I want to get married. And yet men have repeatedly told me that I’m ‘marriage material’ (which is apparently off putting to them). I honestly view men as overgrown babies when it comes to emotions. I was a divorce lawyer for 4 years so I’ve seen it all. They really can’t handle feeling responsible for a woman’s emotions, especially regarding something so delicate as one’s virginity. ‘Keep it light’ is what everyone wants these days, sadly.

 

Someone once told me that men are afraid to climb to the top of the tree to get to those very high branches (the higher you go, the more scary). And sothere is a lot less risk involved in just settling for a low tree branch (lower quality woman), if you know what I mean.

 

My ex boyfriend also told me that I was an “innocent soul”. And the world is messed up these days, not many people want that. So I’m not sure of the solution but to continue staying true to yourself. That’s all you can do. Trust in whatever is meant to be will be. And STAY AWAY from online dating, for you it will be like putting a little nemo ina shark pool.

 

 

All the best to you girrrrrrl, I think you're awesome

[Chilli]

Op , you sound like a catch and a half to me, true story, you do.

l couldn't careless if she was inexperienced it might even bet better and def' more trustworthy.

Tbh , l'd try to lose the sexual experience worry all together as far as a bf goes. And besides , if until you meet somebody your gonna start something up with they don't even have to know that much anyway.

But you wanna know something, often experience just adds up to mechanical , robotic. yuk.

Sex is a natural thing and it's suppose to be about love , so don't worry about a thing in that regard with the right guy it'll all fall into place and l doubt it'd worry any decent guys. if he's got any brains he should know it might even be nicer with you than anyone.

 

As far as a relationship goes , again it's suppose to be pretty natural stuff with the right person. But we're also always learning in a relationship too anyway so again , l mean if your bothe decent people l really couldn't see it being too much of a thing and hopefully most of it just comes natural anyways.

 

You probably need a guy a bit more sensitive than the average bone head but there's plenty of guys around that don't sleep around or have only had one or 2 gf and might be a bit quieter or low key than most .

That's the sorta guy you need.

 

Good luck with things anyway.

Edited April 8, 2017 by Chilli

[pc31]

OMG i sooo want to give you a hug. I had my first official boyfriend when I was 25 (/turning 26!), so I can really REALLY relate to how you feel. OMG for the longest time, I thought I was a lost cause. LOL LOL LOL.

 

But then I had my first boyfriend, and we broke up, and then a while later I had another boyfriend, and we also broke up (Ii'm now 29/turning 30). So now I think to myself, what's the point of having too many relationships if they all end up in flame???

 

OP, quantity doesn't mean anything. What you need is QUALITY! The more relationships u have, the more breakups you have, and the more bandages you put on your heart!! You don't need all of that.

 

Keep calm and keep talking to more guys, OP. Good things will come soon!

HUGS

[pc31]

In term of solution, what i propose you to do is to get out of your comfort zone a bit in order to meet different types of guys because apparntly what you ve been doing all along doesn't give good results, right?

 

I met my first boyfriend when I went on a business trip in a neighbor country. I met my second boyfriend when I logged on tinder for the very first time. LOL.

 

So there you go, just try something new and be open talking to people.

[FoundLove]

Sounds like you're a 'late bloomer', just like me. And that's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!

 

Throughout my 20s it was very difficult for me to see all my friends getting married and having children. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and why I was being left behind. I had one short term relationship (2 months) and was heartbroken when it ended.

 

The truth is I wasn't ready for a serious relationship back then. I also wasn't ready for sex - not even in a committed relationship. I cringe every time I read posts on here where girls have sex with guys on the first or second date. I just never would have been able to do that.

 

I fell in love with someone when I was 33 years old and lost my virginity to him. That relationship didn't work out, but 5 years later I met my true love (on an online dating website) and we were married a year later.

 

I've been happily married now for 3 years. Who would have thought?! It took me a little bit longer than others, but I did eventually get there... And so will you!

 

I'm absolutely sure the right guy is out there and you will find him - just be patient. Dating is a numbers game in my opinion - the more people you meet and date, the better your chances become. I've had my share of disappointments while dating, but you'll forget all about those when you meet the right one.

 

Big hugs to you!

[BaileyB]

I will say, I dated for many years until I found someone with whom I wanted to have a relationship. With the right person, it won't be an issue.

 

I just told him that I didn't have as much experience (he had been previously married, I had not had a serious, long term boyfriend). I told him the truth - it took a long time to find someone I really wanted in my life and I refused to settle for a bad relationship... I would much rather enjoy life on my own.

 

He could not believe that I was single and had never been married... which I took as a compliment. He tells me often how lucky he feels to have found me and how he "saved the best for last."

 

So as hard as it is when you are lonely and wishing that the rit person will come into your life, I would say try not to worry. Enjoy your life and stay open to meeting people... And when the right person comes along, you may be surprised at how very little it matters...

[BaileyB]

I would also say... Yes, obviously you are in experienced with men and you can't really hide that. Just be honest and when it feels right, challenge yourself to take that leap of faith and know that it will be ok - quite fun actually, with the right person.

 

But know that just because you haven't had a relationship with a man doesn't mean that you don't have any experience with relationships. You are a daughter, a sister, a friend, a coworker... I'm assuming that you have many wonderful skills and qualities to bring to a relationship - loyalty, honesty, kindness, compassion, the ability to enjoy life with a sense of humor and adventure, etc... Don't discount this. Beside the physical aspect, a relationship with a man is just another close, intimate relationship.

 

You may not have much experience, but I'm sure that you have many other wonderful things to bring to a relationship. You just need to find your partner. Good luck to you.

[preraph]

Be vague. Say you've dated around but haven't found the right guy. That's it. If you think being a virgin is something men prize, then keep your hymen, but if it's a source of embarrassment or fear, your gyn can check to see if it's still intact and fix that in a hurry. By your age, if you're active at all, like bicycle riding, horses, athletic, it may have long since broken so you ought to find out or on your wedding night if you have some guy pumped up to sleep with a virgin, he may decide you were lying!

 

Just keep looking for the right guy, but know what's going on down there and if you want them to know, fine. And in my opinion, if you've done everything but intercourse, you are not a virgin, because anything but is more advanced than just intercourse, more intimate.

[Countrycutie1986]

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate your kind words.

 

I don't think of it as a prize or a burden, Just something that needs to change at some point hopefully soon. I would like to fall in love. I feel like I'm ready for it and I've worked hard to be my best self, and I've got more confidence than ever before.

 

I'm seeing on here that I come off as the conservative, type and I must really need to work on how I present to others, because I don't see myself that way. Shy and quiet until you get to know me, yes. But just because I may seem conservative on the outside doesn't mean it's true. I've got a dirty sense of humor, drink, and although I've never had sex with a partner, I've got plenty of toys and vibrators that have kept me going. I look forward to making up for lost time when I meet a great guy.

 

I guess I'm conservative in the fact that I don't openly talk about my sex life, but right now there's not much to tell.

 

To all of you in a similar boat as me I wish you the best of luck in your search. I've noticed people playing games, both men and women, which makes dating so much harder. It's happened to me, and both my female and male friends.

 

This ghosting bs drives me nuts, I always let a guy know if I'm not feeling it, and I kindly wish him the best of luck and I enjoyed getting to know him even if we weren't a match. The way I see it is I've been ghosted and left wondering and I don't want someone else to feel like they're less than. I try to spread the kindness around, even if it doesn't work out with me, I hope that my compassion gives him hope in finding the right woman for him.

 

To everyone who met the love of their life later on, your stories touched my heart and is encouraging me to put myself out there more. To go up to that cute stranger at the grocery store etc. You never know what can happen from a simple conversation.

 

I was so happy to see that people who had been in marriages or long term relationship before they met some of you didn't judge you because of your lack of experience. Sometimes I think how can I compete but then I remember it's not a competition and it's about what two people share.

 

Your comments have helped me tremendously and I hope it can give others in my situation hope ☺

[Pixie90]

I was a virgin up until my 20s. When i was younger I was proud and as I got older I felt like it was a handicap when meeting men. Not going to lie, men would run. But looking back, they never were good to begin with. You do not want someone like that. However, i found someone who wasnt afraid by it, and made me feel comfortable and that it wasnt weird. However, it took me a while to tell him. It took a couple months of dating to tell him i was a virgin. Prior to that, we agreed to wait on sex and have a meaningful relationship before having sex. I was sick one day and he was trying to help me, and i ended up telling him. First he said "really?" And then he said he said the signs were there and had minor suspisions ha. He didnt want to ask because it was none of his business. he told me that he wasnt freaked out. And a couple years later we are still together!

 

My advice is dont tell a guy on the first date. I think thats too soon to start that kind of conversation. I think you want to talk about it, begin to say sex has been a big deal with you, and take it from there.

 

If a guy is talking about sex within the first couple of dates. RUN. You do not want that guy. That guy will not understand.

Edited April 11, 2017 by Pixie90