diane34 Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 I have been dating this guy for approximately four or five years. We have had a rough start. For the first 7 months we were friends with benefits and I was seeing like 3 guys (seeing, not sleeping with). He went on one or two dates. He decided to see if I wanted to date exclusively and we did. We fought a lot in the beginning. In the relationship he was "set in his ways" even though he was only three or four years being single. What I think he meant is that he is stubborn. Like he didn't want to make room in the closet. He promised me the 2nd bedroom to be my own game room but that never happened. I honestly don't really feel at home in this spot. Over the years, we also have had several fights that have impacted the relationship. I think honestly I need either relationship counseling or I need to move on. First fight was when his family came over and they ate like 300 dollars worth of food in 2 days. We normally spend about 80 at the grocery store a week. I bought the food to be eaten but I kind of thought I would be eating at least some of the food. Most of the food was cooked while I was sleeping since I worked 7p-7a. So no food for me. Apparently that was rude to have expected that they would have left me some food or leftovers. Next time we had a house that flooded. I worked an insane amount of contracted hours in order to save for house repairs. His family came over which was nice of them. However, I was kicked out to a hot camper for a week so they could work on the house. He didn't want me to pay for a hotel because that would be a waste of money or some ****. So at 1 pm someone decides to mow next to the house. I threw a fit but didn't say anything to them because I would go off and apparently I was very rude. Never mind that he knows I work in a critical care setting. The next major fights that I can remember happened last year. I was pissed that he was accepting UPS shipments again at his work and not bringing them home when I need them. I pay for shipping to the house, not to the work. He became defensive since he accepted them and said it was his house and I could get a post office box. I cried in the restaurant. He later apologized and told me I wasn't allowed to get a post office box because of the cost. Next fight was once again when his family came over. We fought over something and he told me that I should get out of his house. I cried and then started looking at local apartments. I scheduled a handful of showings. Then I scheduled the maid to come and help me pack up my belongings. I also had people saving boxes for me. He came home, didn't tell his family why I was upset and why I was crying in the room alone, and convinced me not to leave. I told him that if he ever told me to get out again, I would leave. I think I do have some sort of generalized anxiety disorder. I don't really want to go on meds for it. I am more angry with him than not. Once again, a week ago he told me that his best friend was coming up with his wife and 8 month old kid. The house is a disaster since he won't clean up. Not to mention we have a lot of small **** around like gun parts that a kid could swallow. He swears he will clean up and I'm too pissed about this situation where I have no say and he knows I am stressed due to school. Plus we always have fights whenever someone comes up and apparently I am always rude according to him so why would I be excited for someone to come up? I am also frustrated because he doesn't listen to me. He "listens" but he won't consider my point of view on a lot of different topics. Such as politics. I am actually pretty political but I write him off as a lost cause on the topic because he likes Trump and he won't listen. Case in point, one day he mentioned something and we started discussing Trump's immigration policy. He insisted Trump must have some special knowledge for imposing the ban instead of Trump was trying to appeal to the people. He insisted on incorrect info and then tried playing the card "it would have prevented the terrorist attacks on US soil." I went through the more known terrorists and most of them were born in the US. He still wouldn't admit he was wrong. He also probably pissed off the maid this way too. Also, today he wanted me to put a lead on the new equine and leave it on them so when their hooves are trimmed middle of next week that equine would be easier to catch. Except it's not even that good that we're leaving the halters on since those are a choking hazard and it will ruin the lead. He could also get the lead caught on something and injure or kill himself if he tries to get it free. Did he consider what I was saying? Nope. He pretty much told me that he was "listening" but was still going to put a lead on the equine and leave it there. My boyfriend also does not hang out with my friends by my choice since he is kind of an ass and he will make fun of them. I am also not sure if I am really sexually attracted to him. I won't kiss him because he won't brush his teeth. He also chews. I can't tell him that is the actual reason why I won't kiss him. I say it's because I don't like kissing. **Crush part** Okay, so I am also frustrated because I do like someone else but this is sort of a long shot. This guy is a lot older than me but he didn't know how old I was till his coworker in his department revealed how old I was since we went to high school together. There's approximately 20 year age difference and I am closer in age to his daughter who is ten years younger than me. He works at the same company but not in the same area so we don't really see each other that often. Maybe once or twice a week. We actually talked quite a bit in the past year because we were at a class together but I kind of forgot about him since I talk to all the people in his department and they kind of blur together. I don't think I knew his name till 3 months ago. He's in great shape though. Still very active. My boyfriend has a bad back and cannot do some of the stuff I would want to do like go hiking, ice skating, rollerblading, outdoor stuff. Boyfriend usually has to spend his vacations inside. This guy can. In fact, I am almost shocked by how much we have in common. He does archery, I used to. I used to ice skate. I wanted to learn how to rollerblade. He likes some nerdy stuff like I do like Star Wars. The other day when I was pissed about my boyfriend's friends coming up, I went ice skating with him. Then under the pretense of call (which I really was on call), I ended up hanging out with him all day. He did get ****-faced though and I had to drive him back to his apartment. We hung out till 4 am. He offered me a chance to stay at his apartment by saying "there's the couch, the sofa, a bed, and a bed." One of those beds were his bed but not sure if that was him hitting on me or not (sometimes I can be clueless and I have a lot of guy friends so I tend to take what they say less seriously). He said it twice and he attempted to find me something for my contacts so I could spend the night. I ended up going home and I was slightly annoyed that my significant other wasn't at home since he spent the night at a friend's house. He was really trashed so he was nice at his house as in he didn't let me order pizza even though he didn't have much food wise since he usually eats out and he loves cooking. Although he has kind of been stand offish since that night. Swears he won't drink as much since he was really hammered that night. He also did text me once when he showed up at my work on my day off asking me where I was since I nearly always work. **** So I wish there was an easier way to do this. I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is over. I am getting sick of the stress and of him not doing stuff. I am sick of him not listening. I wish we could do couples' therapy but why pay someone when he won't listen to them either? I literally told him today that I don't know why we bother because he won't listen to me. I don't know if it is some sort of ego **** or what. I do like the crush. I won't do anything more than just hang out with him until I break up with my boyfriend. I also do not know if dating would be worth risking a really amazing friendship with the guy. We have a lot of similar interests that it is kind of amazing.
Telemachus Posted April 7, 2017 Posted April 7, 2017 Listening to you is different from agreeing with you. Although you said several times in your posting that he doesn't listen to you, the only example you gave was one in which you had a discussion, and he simply disagreed with you, as you did with him. You provided other examples of disagreement, but it seems that he does listen to you. You may accuse him of being wrong, but keep that to factual matters. You may accuse him of being unreasonable, but he can say the same of you on matters of judgment or opinion when you disagree. You should avoid accusing him of not listening, unless that's what's happening, and it doesn't seem to be. One sure way to turn someone against you and undermine your attempt to pursuade is to accuse falsely the person you're attempting to bring over to your way of thinking. If you're unhappy in your relationship, and almost all what you presented is about unhappiness and dissatisfaciton, then end it. If it's his house or he's the only one on the lease, find one of your own and move. You can do that in a week or less. Regarding the other guy, it doesn't have to be current guy or guy from work. You can be on your own for a while, or another guy who interests you may enter your life. If drinking men are a problem, find one who drinks little or not at all. Couples counseling is not for you, I agree, but not for the reason you gave. A therapist or counselor doesn't sit him down and tell him that you're right about everything and that he has to do things your way. That's totally unrealistic. A counselor will occasionally side with one person or the other, but usually on matters of fact or past agreements, and the counselor is just as likely to side with him as with you. The idea is to guide the two of you to identify your major issues, and to resolve them together - the two of you. A counselor just facilitates; he or she doesn't resolve matters of opinion and judgment and set out agreements; ultimately, you have to do that. From all the detail in your posting, I'd say that you may have trouble prioritizing. A good individual counselor could help you with that: deciding what the big things are, and in what order to address them. I know that you were upset when he mowed the lawn at 1pm while you were sleeping, but all of the neighbors would have had a problem with it, if he'd mowed at 3am, while you were at work.
hippychick3 Posted April 7, 2017 Posted April 7, 2017 Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship that you are too afraid to leave unless you have someone else to fall back on. You are looking for a replacement boyfriend to lessen the pain of ending your current relationship. The problem with this is that unless you are strong enough to end a toxic relationship and be on your own AND work on yourself, you will end up in another unhealthy relationship.
ItStartsFromWithin Posted April 7, 2017 Posted April 7, 2017 Why is he literally TELING you what you can and can not buy? You aren't "allowed" to get a hotel room for some restful sleep before work, since you're forced to sleep outside in a camper. You aren't "allowed" to ask him about delivered packages, cuz its, "his house" yet, when you attempt to get your own P.O. BOX, he tells you, you can't because it's too expensive?!?!? Then he actually tells you you can't order a pizza?!?!?!? What's going on here? You work. You make your own money. And you're an adult, who is fully capable of making her own decisions regarding a $5 pizza!!! Is this guy your boyfriend or your father? I understand couples who pool their money together and share bills etc while living together, but this guy just straight up TELLS you what you can & cannot buy. He sounds controlling greedy and selfish. I think it's wise you're contemplating, where exactly, this relationship is headed. Good luck.
whatnot Posted April 7, 2017 Posted April 7, 2017 I read your story 3 times. My only observation is you're definitely looking at this new guy through rose colored glasses. Other than that....best of luck
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