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Recently broke up after 6 years, my ex bf is already looking on tinder

missguidedl0v3

By missguidedl0v3
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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missguidedl0v3 New Member

missguidedl0v3

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***I KNOW ITS LONG..PLEASE READ**

My ex and I were together for 6 years and have been friends for a long time. We started out as best friends and grew into a relationship together. I can say that the first 4 years were the greatest...we moved in together and things began to start getting crazy. We went through your regular ups and downs as a couple, but we did fight more than the usual. I wanted to grow towards a good future for both of us, and at one point he wanted to do the same too. Until he started working less, and his money wasn't able to help support both of us anymore and I had to take care of everything. We rarely went on dates but always tried to do something together to enjoy time. We went through everything together and we ere the best of friends. Until the last few months of our relationship, we both really started talking about how things aren't working out..but we still wanted to try. Nothing changed over the few months, he didn't get a stable job still and this reallllly frustrated me..we ended up having to move back home. I met a guy at work and shared a few text flirty messages for about 5 days! I didn't care for the guy...just enjoyed SOME SORT OF attention...I was getting NONE. And I know I'm a good looking gal. Anyway, during the middle of the night he looked at my phone and saw the text messages. He left and refused to talk to me...he disappeared for about 4 days. When we finally talked he was extremely confusing. He refuses to stay at his parents' house and has been staying at his best-friends house (who is overly protective of him). We've talked a few times and he started by saying he needs time and still loves and misses me but then 2 days later, he's adding his ex and is on tinder. Then tells me he doesn't miss me. We didn't talk after that...i decided to move forward. Then a week later he contacts me asking for money. I know he only reached out to me because NO ONE else could help him...I knew he was desperate. So I helped. He asked if we could talk and he was soooo nice to me. Answering every question I asked, even my tinder questions. His answer? Im not looking to hook up with anyone, what I can't swipe left or right? . I let him know , I need his stuff out of my house and he kept asking me why I'm rushing it out...finally he gave in and got his parents to pick up his things. We haven't talked since, and hes still on tinder. I just dont understand how he can still do this to me...and btw he really wants us to stay friends apparently. All of this happened before reaching even 1 month of breaking up.

 

I just don't understand why I can't move on...I feel like he wont let me. He still hasnt changed anything on facebook and he's ALWAYS ON IT..and its our anniversdary in 14 days.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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You don't wait for him to LET you move on. You block him off social media and you stop following him on social media, and you stop taking his calls or texts and block those. And you certainly do not give him money!

 

You weren't happy in this relationship to begin with and he is punishing you for the flirting. This relationship has gone sour and needs to be thrown out. Of course, he's already looking for other women. That's what men do. That's what you did when you were lonely and needed attention. Men may be upset about a breakup but their number one priority is still finding sex.

 

Stop trying to make this relationship into something it isn't. You be the one who decides to cut him off and block him and then you can move on because you cut off all the avenues by which he can try to control you and pull your strings and use you and keep you on the back burner for insurance.

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soulforge Established Member

soulforge

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***I KNOW ITS LONG..PLEASE READ**

My ex and I were together for 6 years and have been friends for a long time. We started out as best friends and grew into a relationship together. I can say that the first 4 years were the greatest...we moved in together and things began to start getting crazy. We went through your regular ups and downs as a couple, but we did fight more than the usual. I wanted to grow towards a good future for both of us, and at one point he wanted to do the same too. Until he started working less, and his money wasn't able to help support both of us anymore and I had to take care of everything. We rarely went on dates but always tried to do something together to enjoy time. We went through everything together and we ere the best of friends. Until the last few months of our relationship, we both really started talking about how things aren't working out..but we still wanted to try. Nothing changed over the few months, he didn't get a stable job still and this reallllly frustrated me..we ended up having to move back home. I met a guy at work and shared a few text flirty messages for about 5 days! I didn't care for the guy...just enjoyed SOME SORT OF attention...I was getting NONE. And I know I'm a good looking gal. Anyway, during the middle of the night he looked at my phone and saw the text messages. He left and refused to talk to me...he disappeared for about 4 days. When we finally talked he was extremely confusing. He refuses to stay at his parents' house and has been staying at his best-friends house (who is overly protective of him). We've talked a few times and he started by saying he needs time and still loves and misses me but then 2 days later, he's adding his ex and is on tinder. Then tells me he doesn't miss me. We didn't talk after that...i decided to move forward. Then a week later he contacts me asking for money. I know he only reached out to me because NO ONE else could help him...I knew he was desperate. So I helped. He asked if we could talk and he was soooo nice to me. Answering every question I asked, even my tinder questions. His answer? Im not looking to hook up with anyone, what I can't swipe left or right? . I let him know , I need his stuff out of my house and he kept asking me why I'm rushing it out...finally he gave in and got his parents to pick up his things. We haven't talked since, and hes still on tinder. I just dont understand how he can still do this to me...and btw he really wants us to stay friends apparently. All of this happened before reaching even 1 month of breaking up.

 

I just don't understand why I can't move on...I feel like he wont let me. He still hasnt changed anything on facebook and he's ALWAYS ON IT..and its our anniversdary in 14 days.

 

 

I understand you both had some difficult times.. financial problems can be a strain.. and finding stable employment in todays economical environment is not always easy...

 

But may i ask why did you resort to texting and flirting with some guy from work?

 

 

How was this going to improve your relationship? These things can sometimes get out of hand and turn into an actual affair...

 

I believe your boyfriend probably lost trust in you after finding those text messages.. he doesn't believe he can be with you again.. or is scared to be with you..

 

Maybe he is lonely or insecure.. sometimes people hold onto something else, in order to avoid being all alone..

 

By the way, you should refuse to help him financialy.. you are not together, he needs to pay his own way!!

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Of course he wants to stay friends because he may need some more money down the line and you are easy with him. He has no dignity to ask you for money given the circumstances. It sounds like he wants to be free but really can't afford it. It's hard to see other girls when he's broke.

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missguidedl0v3 New Member

missguidedl0v3

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@soulforge I started texting this guy from work due to the attention I was getting...it was nice to be called beautiful and told that I am an intelligent girl, and at that time I was extremely unhappy..I tried to let him know, Im quite honest about my emotions and always let him knew where I stood. He knew I wasn't happy but didnt do anything to help...he stayed lazy, and i got tired of always being his "nagging mother". I kept moving forward in life while he stayed home all the time. I DID MY BEST to always help him and motivate him...I even moved out of town with him to help with rent so he can find a job somewhere else. Still no appreciation

Edited by missguidedl0v3
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missguidedl0v3 New Member

missguidedl0v3

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Of course he wants to stay friends because he may need some more money down the line and you are easy with him. He has no dignity to ask you for money given the circumstances. It sounds like he wants to be free but really can't afford it. It's hard to see other girls when he's broke.

 

Ok so essentially he's just going to use me until he gets money to date? That's terrible...after 6 years? That's hard.

whatdeww18 Established Member

whatdeww18

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@soulforge I started texting this guy from work due to the attention I was getting...it was nice to be called beautiful and told that I am an intelligent girl, and at that time I was extremely unhappy..I tried to let him know, Im quite honest about my emotions and always let him knew where I stood. He knew I wasn't happy but didnt do anything to help...he stayed lazy, and i got tired of always being his "nagging mother". I kept moving forward in life while he stayed home all the time. I DID MY BEST to always help him and motivate him...I even moved out of town with him to help with rent so he can find a job somewhere else. Still no appreciation

 

Then, it was your job to be mature and cut your losses short and leave. Like soulforge mentioned, emotional cheating can lead to affairs. It's a slippery slope. You should not have done that. How would being told you're a pretty, intelligent girl make your situation or happiness any better?

 

That's not to say your ex was in the right. He could have done more, as well. However, those are legitimate reasons to leave: no stable job, unwilling to help you lead a fulfilling life, etc.

 

Like preraph mentioned, this relationship started to get sour. Both parties need to do some work on him/herself to be able to get into/maintain a healthy relationship.

 

What age range are the both of you?

bluefeather Established Member

bluefeather

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Ok so essentially he's just going to use me until he gets money to date? That's terrible...after 6 years? That's hard.

 

He could easily think this about you: "After 6 years she's flirting with another guy behind my back?" That's hard...

 

Neither of you were being good to each other.

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whatnot Established Member

whatnot

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You want it both ways. And that's understandable. Six years is a very long period of time.

 

You want him out but you don't want him looking around. You broke up but you don't want him with anyone else. You got rid of him, but you still want him missing and pining over you.

 

You hurt him. Now, he's hurting you. And this will continue until either you or he decides you've had enough and moves on. Moving on means...no contact, no spying, no checking in to see what's going on with the other. Until that happens....pain will continue.

 

btw....I know how hard it is to say "no" to someone you love who's having financial difficulties. The thing I've learned to say is...."I just don't have it".

 

No more should be required than that. If they persist after that....Just tell 'em..."I really can't afford it. I'm struggling myself".

 

If they persist after that.....you don't want them in your life.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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He could easily think this about you: "After 6 years she's flirting with another guy behind my back?" That's hard...

 

Neither of you were being good to each other.

 

Bingo.

 

OP, you have to think about this from his angle too. He found you behaving badly while you were supposed to be his girlfriend. You don't seem to grasp what that does to a person. I do understand that your relationship wasn't going well and you liked the attention, but you needed to be mature enough to at least end it rather than being shady and crossing a boundary with another guy. That is hurtful in a way you can't understand unless it's happened to you. How far would you have gone if you hadn't been caught? That's what your ex is thinking too. You screwed up, girl.

 

My guess is that's partly what his Tinder activity is about. He's hurt and yes, probably enjoys giving you a taste of your own medicine, so to speak. You tested the waters with another man, so he feels he's justified in doing the same. How do you know he's using Tinder, by the way? Do you have a profile as well?

 

I completely understand why you were unhappy with him. It sounds like the relationship was dying a slow death. I would end it definitively and move on. He sounds lazy and immature, bluntly-speaking. And for heaven's sake, don't give him any more money!

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missguidedl0v3 New Member

missguidedl0v3

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Bingo.

 

OP, you have to think about this from his angle too. He found you behaving badly while you were supposed to be his girlfriend. You don't seem to grasp what that does to a person. I do understand that your relationship wasn't going well and you liked the attention, but you needed to be mature enough to at least end it rather than being shady and crossing a boundary with another guy. That is hurtful in a way you can't understand unless it's happened to you. How far would you have gone if you hadn't been caught? That's what your ex is thinking too. You screwed up, girl.

 

My guess is that's partly what his Tinder activity is about. He's hurt and yes, probably enjoys giving you a taste of your own medicine, so to speak. You tested the waters with another man, so he feels he's justified in doing the same. How do you know he's using Tinder, by the way? Do you have a profile as well?

 

I completely understand why you were unhappy with him. It sounds like the relationship was dying a slow death. I would end it definitively and move on. He sounds lazy and immature, bluntly-speaking. And for heaven's sake, don't give him any more money!

 

 

I certainly agree with the fact that I made a mistake and chose the wrong way to go about things...this is something I am trying to forgive myself for. I know I caused this, it still doesn't help the fact that it hurts. I found out he's on tinder as I have his e-mail account on my laptop and found the email verification when you sign-up. (I know...I shouldn't snoop..its hard)

 

I just miss him and i honestly don't know why.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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It's normal to miss someone who's been in your life the way he was. Even when the relationship wasn't going well, break-ups can be hard because there is an absence.

 

After 6 years together, did you have any plans for the future for the two of you? Were you hoping to marry, or have a family, or..? I ask because six years is not an insignificant length of time and it appears you were headed in different directions in life. What type of effort was he making to find a steady job?

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missguidedl0v3 New Member

missguidedl0v3

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It's normal to miss someone who's been in your life the way he was. Even when the relationship wasn't going well, break-ups can be hard because there is an absence.

 

After 6 years together, did you have any plans for the future for the two of you? Were you hoping to marry, or have a family, or..? I ask because six years is not an insignificant length of time and it appears you were headed in different directions in life. What type of effort was he making to find a steady job?

 

Before being together for six years we were also friends for about three years before that we were the closest friends out of everyone and he was my best friend we helped each other through X heart breaks and we naturally grew into a relationship together. I definitely thought of a future with him I planned it with him I hoped to have his kids I always saw him as a good bad and the good family man.at some point we just got on a different path and he lost focus in the future he did his best to try to get a job always maintained trying to contact people for opportunities but his drive while he was working just wasn't there he would lose jobs quickly he would be at home a lot while I was there trying to work all the time

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missguidedl0v3 New Member

missguidedl0v3

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I'm having a hard time to get a hold of this situation so any advice is gratefully appreciated. I know its super long. Please.

 

My ex and I were together for about 6 years. Obviously we had our ups and downs and we ended up moving in together due to his job being far away. I dropped my entire life after college and started working right away to make sure we can pay our bills. For a while, it was the most wonderful thing...until the bills piled up, his saving habits turned for the worse, and i started acting less and less like a girlfriend. I always felt like I had to take care of both of us. This didn't bug me...I had hoped that one day he'll get his feet going again and even helped him start a business. Once this started things went well for a while again. Then again, the bills piled up and we were in a verry tight spot and eventually we had to decide to move back home to my parents' house. During the upcoming months before the move, we began to fight a lot and started to question our future together. All my friends were getting engaged and I feel like it put a bit of pressure on us. We just weren't the same anymore...and I think we both knew it but just wanted to keep on trying. He wasn't really working for the past 3 months and it just continued to add more stress, and it seemed like he wasn't trying to fix his situation. I grew extremely frustrated as I would be working from 9-9pm everyday while he sat at home and did nothing. While frustrated, I handled the situation completley wrong and flirted back with a client...it went on for 5 days and he found out on the day I stopped contacting him. He felt betrayed...hurt, and angry. He left and we didn't speak for a few days. Once we did speak, he just mentioned that he still needs time and he can't get over what I did to him. We spoke once during that week and he let me know he still cared, loved me, and missed me. THEN not even 3 days later, he adds his ex on facebook, when I confronted him, he went and got Tinder. Then he told me he doesn't miss me. Mind you this whole time he's been staying at his friends' house who isnt helping the situation. We stopped talking after that as I had enough at this point.

 

We have been in contact through text in a very limited way and I would say fairly civil. There was a time we saw each other after his tinder ordeal that stands out to me. We met up as I needed him to collect a few things from my place and I was giving him some gas money. We talked for a little bit, he asked me how things were going and let him know about some changes that's coming to my life and I asked him the same. He broke down and started lettting me know that he's been having a hard time getting everything sorted on his own and his friend is now asking him for money for staying at their place. I genuinely care for him and can see and feel that he's a little lost in life and no one is really trying to support him. So we talked and I let him know that I genuinely just want to see him at a good place in live and we agreed to keep in-touch. We didn't really talk after that either. Then just a couple days ago, one of our mutual good friends hit on me and said something extremely inappropriate. Not to mention, his friends' fiance is one of MY best-friends. So out of respect for my friend and my ex, i let them both know. My friend isn't happy but respects that I told her, while my ex actually ended up crying and talking to me about it in person. We hung out for about an hour or so and he just said that it hurt him. He also accidentally called me Babe, and let me know that i'm still a big part of his life. Im just confused..it seems like he's realizing everything now. And i'm not sure how to handle it. He even said that he will reach out to me this week and would like to see me this weekend.

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missguidedl0v3 New Member

missguidedl0v3

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After our break-up, he was very clear to me that I had to move on. Our relationship of 6 years went from good, to bad, and to worse and he ended things somewhat in a good way. After about 3 weeks, it was clear that hes over everything even joining tinder (found out through his e-mail), and letting me know he doesn't miss me but still loves me.

 

Then, his financial problems really took a toll on him and the first time HE contacted me first was to ask for a small amount of under 200$. I was mad, he could tell this upset me and he started telling me a bunch of bull**** that I knew I couldn't believe. He asked to see me, so we met up and we spoke for a while. I knew I had to stand my ground so I continuously asked him if he can take majority of his things out of my place. He was hesitant but ultimatley gave in as I told him I needed this in order to move forward. He questioned why after everything I am still able to be nice to him and I was honest and told him its because I will always care for him. This really got to him and he started to cry, at this point it really shocked me. He hasn't cried at alll up until this point. He kept saying things like.."6 years is a long time and hard to get over". It was a really good talk...and I could tell he was still very lost. We didn't really speak until this previous weekend where I reached out to see how he's doing and when he is able to return my money. We both decided to meet again a couple days ago to exchange a few things. During this time, his close friend ended up crossing the line with me and said some very inappropriate things, of course I had to let him know. He was visibily upset but tried not to talk about it much, we talked about my life and his life and he would joke saying "are you trying to make me jealous...you seem to be doing great!" and we would laugh and smile a each other. He even accidentally called me Babe at one point when he was telling me that i'm still an important part of his life. It felt like we were both really happy to be around each other, he even kept thanking me for hanging out and said that he will keep in otouch. I dont know how to take it

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You take it for what it is -- evidence that he is fundamentally a good person. He doesn't want to suffer & he feels bad because you are hurting too. Preferring the absence of emotional pain is not a desire to reconcile. Your relationship ended for a lot of reasons. Yes, 6 years together is a long time but sentimentality is no reason to stay together when the relationship is otherwise over.

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Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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After our break-up, he was very clear to me that I had to move on. Our relationship of 6 years went from good, to bad, and to worse and he ended things somewhat in a good way. After about 3 weeks, it was clear that hes over everything even joining tinder (found out through his e-mail), and letting me know he doesn't miss me but still loves me.

 

Then, his financial problems really took a toll on him and the first time HE contacted me first was to ask for a small amount of under 200$. I was mad, he could tell this upset me and he started telling me a bunch of bull**** that I knew I couldn't believe. He asked to see me, so we met up and we spoke for a while. I knew I had to stand my ground so I continuously asked him if he can take majority of his things out of my place. He was hesitant but ultimatley gave in as I told him I needed this in order to move forward. He questioned why after everything I am still able to be nice to him and I was honest and told him its because I will always care for him. This really got to him and he started to cry, at this point it really shocked me. He hasn't cried at alll up until this point. He kept saying things like.."6 years is a long time and hard to get over". It was a really good talk...and I could tell he was still very lost. We didn't really speak until this previous weekend where I reached out to see how he's doing and when he is able to return my money. We both decided to meet again a couple days ago to exchange a few things. During this time, his close friend ended up crossing the line with me and said some very inappropriate things, of course I had to let him know. He was visibily upset but tried not to talk about it much, we talked about my life and his life and he would joke saying "are you trying to make me jealous...you seem to be doing great!" and we would laugh and smile a each other. He even accidentally called me Babe at one point when he was telling me that i'm still an important part of his life. It felt like we were both really happy to be around each other, he even kept thanking me for hanging out and said that he will keep in otouch. I dont know how to take it

 

Take it wth a pinch of salt. He remindicated me of my ex wife. If u do decide to keep in touch one thing to watch out for is if he starts going hot n cold. Means he's unsure but keeping u there just in case for security or watever it may be after mths and mths of this behaviour mt ex wife walked away and wanted a divorce sabotaging a relationship I'd started wth someone new. I donno ur history and if u n him broke up quiet a lot u know best but wen someone does that and says those words about he feels for u thats a strong indicator to watch out the only way u can protect ur feelings is NC if he starts playing funny buggers. No one can giv u advice ultimately it's ur decision but definatly big warning is that hot n cold stuff.

Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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"He doesn't miss u" his words take it as the truth be careful right there. He might be that type that takes a long time to realise wat he had who knows i dont know the history of yr relationship wen u say ins went bad was it more for him he cld be relieved. Learn wat u did wrong don't beat ureself up too much as its always two people hard as it is

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missguidedl0v3 New Member

missguidedl0v3

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Take it wth a pinch of salt. He remindicated me of my ex wife. If u do decide to keep in touch one thing to watch out for is if he starts going hot n cold. Means he's unsure but keeping u there just in case for security or watever it may be after mths and mths of this behaviour mt ex wife walked away and wanted a divorce sabotaging a relationship I'd started wth someone new. I donno ur history and if u n him broke up quiet a lot u know best but wen someone does that and says those words about he feels for u thats a strong indicator to watch out the only way u can protect ur feelings is NC if he starts playing funny buggers. No one can giv u advice ultimately it's ur decision but definatly big warning is that hot n cold stuff.

 

This is the first time in 6 years that we "broke up". I understand the hot and cold, which is why I am putting my story out there to see what people have gone through. It's definietly tough avoiding him especially when he brings up things that we were suppose to do together whenever we see each other. I know I have to move on because we don't even really talk besides when we have to see each other. I just feel like he's still trying to figure out what he wants..

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