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I walked away after 13 months, heartbroken

IfonlyIknew

By IfonlyIknew
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IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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LS, its been a while and my heart is heavy. I absolutely love and adore the man Ive been with. We are both single parents to young kids. 2 months ago, he got a new job with a very early start time where no daycares are open, he told his ex the kids will have to sleep by her (the kids live with him) they refused the idea and begged to stay home, so that left the door open for the ex to stay the night sunday-Thursday. He says there are no other options and i will never come before his kids. I explained to him its not about putting anyone first, its boundaries that are being crossed. 2 months ago i said i will give you time to sort it out, but i will most likely detach from you. Yesterday i woke up and said F this. He has made no effort into finding a solution or even sacrifice staying at my house even though its 20 minutes out of the way to his job. Am i missing something here? He is dead set on he thinks i put him in a position to choose me or his kids. I explained to him if our relationship is worth anything you'd make a sacrifice somewhere along the line, my dignity says walk away and deal with the pain.

 

Am i wrong?

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PinkPampies Established Member

PinkPampies

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I would think that he could get early childcare or a babysitter to cover until daycare opens up. So I agree with no effort. Since you are a mom too, you know he's being over sensitive about claiming you're trying to make him choose between you and the kids. That's horse crap.

 

Boundaries are being crossed with the ex staying there most of the week. There is always a solution. It seems he's just not willing to look for one. Is this his first relationship after splitting with his ex? If so, he probably feels a lot of guilt about the split and feels overprotective of them. Maybe you could talk to him about that?

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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He is reconciling with this ex and too cowardly to tell you this. They are back to being a family.

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Shining One Established Member

Shining One

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I'm a bit confused. What alternate solutions were discussed?

  • Daycare - Not an option due to the hours in question
  • Kids sleeping over at ex's house - Declined by the kids
  • Ex sleeping over to be there for the kids - Current solution

It looks to me like he considered two other options before settling on this one. Have you suggested other alternatives?

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IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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Thanks all. The solution for myself is easy, I drive my kids to their fathers every morning. Have done it for 4 years now. He doesn't feel the need to disrupt the kids in the morning to take them there, he doesn't trust his ex to come in the morning on time, and he can't afford a Nanny to come to the house. I tried to be understanding, but see no effort being made to make up for it, we barely see each other during the week and I used to stay by his house two days a week, now that she's there, that has changed. Why should it affect our relationship if she means nothing to him? He can say all day they are doing it for the kids, i tell him then make it work for the kids. I've given up.

Shining One Established Member

Shining One

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I tried to be understanding, but see no effort being made to make up for it, we barely see each other during the week and I used to stay by his house two days a week, now that she's there, that has changed. Why should it affect our relationship if she means nothing to him? He can say all day they are doing it for the kids, i tell him then make it work for the kids. I've given up.
I understand now and I think you made the right decision to end things. While his solution is less than ideal, it shouldn't have affected the time you two spend together.
Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

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One day, he'll look back. After his ex screwed him over again. He'll remember he had a great girl, but he left her with the excuse of the kids just because he thought his ex changed, but you won't care when he regert that, because you will have moved on by then and blocked him already.

 

So, yeah. Feel sad now, but don't think too much about it. You'll forget him in due time.

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IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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Ugh, he called me yesterday, I have not responded. I am dying to talk to him. Literally every breath is killing me i taste blood in my mouth my anxiety is out of control, I am trying not to give in. Our last conversation 2 nights ago, was a nicely worded "Go f yourself". Telling me "i will not put any woman in front of my kids, so if it means i have to sacrifice my relationship, so be it" He doesn't understand that's not the situation, he isn't making the sacrifice to come by me while she's there with the kids. I read the best quote "Lust fees like love until a sacrifice has to be made". I can only show him what I will accept, and it's not this. I have no choice but to honor my feelings, but the pull between my head and heart is so hard.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Soooo he couldn't ask you to move in with him and be a blended family?

 

After a year of dating wouldn't you be at a place where you have your future planned out together?

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coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

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Ugh, he called me yesterday, I have not responded. I am dying to talk to him. Literally every breath is killing me i taste blood in my mouth my anxiety is out of control, I am trying not to give in. Our last conversation 2 nights ago, was a nicely worded "Go f yourself". Telling me "i will not put any woman in front of my kids, so if it means i have to sacrifice my relationship, so be it" He doesn't understand that's not the situation, he isn't making the sacrifice to come by me while she's there with the kids. I read the best quote "Lust fees like love until a sacrifice has to be made". I can only show him what I will accept, and it's not this. I have no choice but to honor my feelings, but the pull between my head and heart is so hard.

 

Bravo, you stand your ground! Do not let him control you. You do not want his Ex in the house with you if I reading this right. His kids wants both parents. You need to back out of this relationship now because he's putting the family first and you second. F comments tells you how he really feels about your appreciations in this. Men like him are just fools and don't get it. His Ex and him are going to do whatever pleases them and you either accept them or not. You can do better than him, why tolerate him and his Ex you really know how to deal with this. It's not the end of the world if you not with him. Don't you see the Ex is always going to be a part of his life because they have kids together. He knows her longer than you. You have no rights in this matter when it comes to his flesh and blood kids. His Ex is another story. You need to back out and move on now. This is not a healthy environment to be into and nor you never going to change his mind, because his family including his kids and Ex comes first! Don't you get that, he's telling you that. Please don't be in denial it will just make it worst for you in the end.!

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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LS, its been a while and my heart is heavy. I absolutely love and adore the man Ive been with. We are both single parents to young kids. 2 months ago, he got a new job with a very early start time where no daycares are open, he told his ex the kids will have to sleep by her (the kids live with him) they refused the idea and begged to stay home, so that left the door open for the ex to stay the night sunday-Thursday. He says there are no other options and i will never come before his kids. I explained to him its not about putting anyone first, its boundaries that are being crossed. 2 months ago i said i will give you time to sort it out, but i will most likely detach from you. Yesterday i woke up and said F this. He has made no effort into finding a solution or even sacrifice staying at my house even though its 20 minutes out of the way to his job. Am i missing something here?

 

What is his interaction with his children like? Is he a friend to his children or is he a parent to them? And how old are these children? Teenagers or under 10?

Edited by kendahke
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IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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What is his interaction with his children like? Is he a friend to his children or is he a parent to them? And how old are these children? Teenagers or under 10?

 

11 and 6. He acts like a parent but apparently lets them run the show!

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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11 and 6. He acts like a parent but apparently lets them run the show!

 

So, he'd rather keep their friendship and be thought of as the nice guy with them instead of being the parent who runs the house while they run around in it.

 

Is his ex trustworthy? Would she show up on time to take her children to school or is she a slouch? Why aren't the kids with her? She do something to warrant not having primary custody?

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IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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So, he'd rather keep their friendship and be thought of as the nice guy with them instead of being the parent who runs the house while they run around in it.

 

Is his ex trustworthy? Would she show up on time to take her children to school or is she a slouch? Why aren't the kids with her? She do something to warrant not having primary custody?

 

Yes, she has a mental illness and doesn't show up for the kids when she says, couldn't give them a stable life, the least she can do is take them to school, they tried that route by having her come in the morning and he has been late too many times because of her in the past.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Yes, she has a mental illness and doesn't show up for the kids when she says, couldn't give them a stable life, the least she can do is take them to school, they tried that route by having her come in the morning and he has been late too many times because of her in the past.

I had a bat$%^& crazy manic depressed mother growing up, ...I don't blame those kids for not wanting to stay with her.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Yes, she has a mental illness and doesn't show up for the kids when she says, couldn't give them a stable life, the least she can do is take them to school, they tried that route by having her come in the morning and he has been late too many times because of her in the past.

 

are you going to go over and tend to his children and get them off to school in the morning?

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

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Oh God, if I ever got the opportunity to drive my son to school everyday and pick him up after school, I'd never be late. I'd LOVE that responsibility.

 

I do think you should probably bring up alternative solutions as this one clearly bothers you.

 

If he wants to keep it this way, which seems to be cumbersome for you, then it obviously raises the next question: why?

Raena Established Member

Raena

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You are doing the right thing to walk away. He has plainly told you that you are not that important to him in the grand scheme of things. Blended families can be very difficult but that attitude of "I will never put any woman before my kids" is crap and will destroy any chance of a respectful healthy relationship.

 

I dated a man who said almost exactly that to me too one day. It didn't last long. We stopped dating for other reasons but that comment he made stuck with me for awhile. I started to think, well, if I get into a relationship with someone who treats me well and treats my son well then why would I ever need to feel like stating that no man would ever come before my son? Shouldn't the adults be working together to make sure the kids are taken care of? I see it as a team effort, not a "this is MY kid and he will always be more important than you". I know I certainly wouldn't want to date someone who made me feel like I wasn't the world to him. I better be just as important to him as his kids are or what's the point?

 

Maybe I'm a bit naive and a "rose-colored glasses" kind of person but I feel like if I end up in a long term relationship with another man, I would hope that I love him just as much as I love my son. Not less, not more... but equal.

 

Anyway, that's my rant on that whole "my kids are more important than you" attitude.

 

As for this current situation... your bf could easily get the kids up early and take them to her house in the morning but he's choosing not to do that. That's his choice and he's making it knowing that it is interfering with his ability to have a relationship with you. There really is nothing more to be said about that. I'm sorry he's being this way to you. It's painful to walk away from someone you really care about but he isn't reciprocating that love back to you.

curiouslysearching Established Member

curiouslysearching

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One day, he'll look back. After his ex screwed him over again. He'll remember he had a great girl, but he left her with the excuse of the kids just because he thought his ex changed, but you won't care when he regert that, because you will have moved on by then and blocked him already.

 

So, yeah. Feel sad now, but don't think too much about it. You'll forget him in due time.

 

She is exactly right......forever is a longtime to live with regret

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