acrazylife Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 (edited) I am currently struggling with my relationship. Aside from the BDSM issues in the sex thread category here, I'm just not feeling relationships, even though I thought I wanted one. I keep seeing the same old thing in relationships. The girl is a mess, always. My ex wife was a mess (diagnosed mental illnesses) and my current girlfriend, though she hid it, is saddled with depression and anger problems. I'm a SUPER nice, caring person in relationships, so I think these types of girls latch on to me because I'm the only one that doesn't tell them to "just get it together." I don't judge and I'm very understanding of their struggles. But... here I am again. Same as my marriage. Sex isn't happening (due to things you can read in the Sex part of this site), my girlfriend is spending months on the couch sleeping/crying. She stays up all night and sleeps half the day. She is dropping most of her classes in college again, she did this all last year too. She just sits around and doesn't do anything due to depression. She gets caught in a cycle of self pity/no self worth because school is all she has (skipped 3 grades in high school and had a 4.0 in college prior to a breakup last year, is a math/computer major). She's basically very gifted person, but she's a wreck. Thing is... my ex wife was the same way. I was a caregiver for 12 years with the ex wife. Now here I am again, right back in the same place! This makes me feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Why am I always and forever helping those I'm with to get past emotional disasters and mental illness? I feel like nearly every girl out there has a mental health issue and I'm soooo tired of having to take care of them all at my own detriment. I have to sacrifice my income/companies to care for their issues. They make my life less fun because I like to go outside and do things on nice days. They like to stay in and feel crappy. I like to live a life of travel and adventure. They like to sit home. All I want is someone to do these fun things with and I end up stuck inside and dealing with listening to emotional problems day after day after day. Happens every damn time now. Also, various problems in my personal life invariably spill over into my work life, causing me to lose small businesses that demand a lot of my time. Time which I now have to give to them. I feel like I was happier working and dating than I am in a relationship. But... as I get older and uglier... I know my chances for a long term relationship will diminish. Is there anyone here who is old, alone and happy? I'm considering it. Edit: On the sex side of things, I'm a mess. I don't enjoy vaginal sex and really only like very long hand jobs (called edging). So... that doesn't help much in general. I could re train myself to have sex, but girls don't want to be on the pill and I can't get into vaginal sex unless it's done right. These sexual oddities I have don't make it easy to form new relationships. I feel like it makes sense to be single and hook up with girls randomly. I don't know. Any thoughts? Edited April 6, 2017 by acrazylife
SWIPE_ME_NOT Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 (edited) I am currently struggling with my relationship. Aside from the BDSM issues in the sex thread category here, I'm just not feeling relationships, even though I thought I wanted one. I keep seeing the same old thing in relationships. The girl is a mess, always. My ex wife was a mess (diagnosed mental illnesses) and my current girlfriend, though she hid it, is saddled with depression and anger problems. I'm a SUPER nice, caring person in relationships, so I think these types of girls latch on to me because I'm the only one that doesn't tell them to "just get it together." I don't judge and I'm very understanding of their struggles. I would not give up on relationships. I don't want to tell you what to do but depression is not an easy thing and can not just be overcome. My ex sounds like she was very similar to the situation that your partner is going through. But i never questioned if i would stick by her for how long it taken for her to get better. I genuinely loved my ex and spent 2 years working through issues that you mentioned above. My gut feeling says that if you do love your girl then you will stand by her through the good and the bad that life throws at you both. But im not saying that you should if its making you unhappy. Again i was happy working through all my ex partners issues so if your not then maybe what im saying is that you need to assess how you feel about your partner? Unfortunately any kind of serious relationship will inevitably require you to sacrifice your time and extra income for them. I am only technically in the dating stage with the current woman i am seeing but i regularly shift my days around to make time for her and i lose money through it. But i don't care! Take this as a example. On the day we had a date arranged for 5pm i had a slight accident and bent my back axle and snapped both cats off my car hitting a motorway crash barrier. A recovery truck moved my car and i got a taxi to the train station. I then proceeded to travel 150 miles on trains to make the dinner date we arranged which ended with me spending £200 on a taxi to get home afterwards! This all seemed better than canceling in my head for some reason! The point im trying to make with all this is that if you want a long term meaningful relationship then you will have to make sacrifices whether that means going out of your way, sacrificing your time or additional income! Edited April 6, 2017 by SWIPE_ME_NOT
Telemachus Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 (edited) As difficult as your situation is, you seem to have found ways of addressing life's problems constructively, and your writing is exceptional. There's something to the "all the good ones are taken" idea, especially as people get older. On the other hand, few relationships last a lifetime, and women live longer than men do. If you wait long enough, you'll have your pick. My father was quite the attention-getter in his assisted living facility. There was about a 12:1 ratio of women to men, and he was just about the only "capable" man. That's what the staff described as a resident who could push, rather then needing to ride in, a wheelchair. Seeing all the attention he was getting and handing his financial affairs for him, I told him that he was free to marry again, but that her father would have to pay for the wedding. Seriously, illness (physical or mental) is a fact of life. My own experience tells me that you're attracted to women who are not solid long-term prospects for reasons that you haven't identified. When I was young, a teenager and first dating, I tended to find myself paired with girls my age who had serious mental problems. It took some time to figure out why. Eventually, I deduced that this kept occurring because I was shy but physically attractive, and I dated only the girls who pursued me. The super-outgoing young women who made their interest in me clearly known tended to be either sexually voracious, mentally ill, or both. Maybe I was lazy and didn't feel like chasing young women for company, but I suspect that it was mostly my shyness. This all turned around when I realized what was happening and began asking-out girls whom I liked. They didn't all like me, but the ones I did go out with tended to have more mental stability and better long-term prospects. So, what I'm saying is that you should examine your dating strategy, and see how your actions or inactions have contributed to your issue. It could just be that you ignore warning signs for too long and don't end problematic relationships when you should. It could also be that you're a natural caregiver and what might be red flags for other people are what attracts you, whether you realize it or not. Edited April 6, 2017 by Telemachus 2
RecentChange Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 (edited) I feel like nearly every girl out there has a mental health issue and I'm soooo tired of having to take care of them all at my own detriment. Umm NO. Not most women (or "girls") are mentally ill. Your picker is broken. You understand that the common denominator here is YOU right? That you choose these ladies? That you date them. That you are the one that sticks around even though its all turned to crap. YOU. Its like women who say all men are abusing jerks... no lady, you have been choosing abusing jerks. You choose needy, depressed women. Perhaps you are drawn to the codependency. You must understand that we choose, and have the power to control WHO we invite into our lives. We choose how we will allow people to treat us. We choose to stay or go. We choose our actions every day. This isn't about the women you have been choosing - you need to examine WHY you choose them. Sorry if I come off harsh, I am kinda offended by your notion that the "girls" are the problem here. And as for your sexual dysfunction - again, not their problem, they didn't cause it, and personally, it would send me out the door in a heart beat. (FYI around 65% of women of reproductive age in this country are on birth control - but I agree, they should not need to mess with their hormones in order to placate your sexual dysfunction). Edited April 6, 2017 by RecentChange 4
mightycpa Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 I am currently struggling with my relationship. Aside from the BDSM issues in the sex thread category here, I'm just not feeling relationships, even though I thought I wanted one. I keep seeing the same old thing in relationships. The girl is a mess, always. My ex wife was a mess (diagnosed mental illnesses) and my current girlfriend, though she hid it, is saddled with depression and anger problems. You see the thing described above as the problem, but wait for it, the real problem you're facing will soon reveal itself: I'm a SUPER nice, caring person in relationships, so I think these types of girls latch on to me because I'm the only one that doesn't tell them to "just get it together." I don't judge and I'm very understanding of their struggles. See? I told you so! But... here I am again. Same as my marriage. Let me rephrase that for you SO, here I am again. Same as my marriage. Sex isn't happening (due to blah, blah, blah, and This makes me feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Let me rephrase that for you: This makes me feel like I shouldn't be in those relationships at all. Why am I always and forever helping those I'm with to get past emotional disasters and mental illness? I feel like nearly every girl out there has a mental health issue and I'm soooo tired of having to take care of them all at my own detriment. I have to sacrifice my income/companies to care for their issues. Let me rephrase that for you too: I DON'T have to sacrifice my income/companies to care for their issues. They make my life less fun, blah, blah, blah.... Happens every damn time now. How often? Oh, EVERY TIME. Hmm. Imagine that! Also, various problems blah, blah, blah... Time which I now have to give to them.Again with the rephrasing: Time which I now give them EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE TO. I don't know. Any thoughts?I have a thought. If you haven't caught on by now, let me spell it out for you: 1) Why? Because you're deluding yourself. You're not a SUPER nice guy. You're a SUPER weak guy. You are confusing being nice with cowardice. Those aren't the same things. You think you're doing these girls a favor by keeping them around until you can't stand it any longer. You're not. You're wasting their time. You're wasting your time. You're not a caretaker, so don't try to be one. That's the kind of man that they need. Not you. 2) You don't need to judge anybody. But you do need to judge the situations you find yourself in fairly. Are these women right for you, or are they not? The only value judgment there is whether you've found a match for you. If they are not a match, it's no knock against them. It doesn't even matter why they aren't a match. Mental illness, feet too big, left-handed, it doesn't matter. No match means NO MATCH. The crime is when you lead them on to believe that you're a suitable mate. So, as soon as you know, STOP DOING THE WRONG THING AND BEGIN TO DO THE RIGHT THING. 3) By that, I mean that if you want to be a SUPER nice guy, you need to be a normal strong guy. At the first sign of this, which by now you should be something of an expert on, you need to CUT THEM LOOSE, WITH PREJUDICE. You do that, and I guarantee your situation will improve. You'll waste less of your own time with non-matches, which will provide time for you to find good matches.
Author acrazylife Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 Swipe_Me_Not: Excellent points. I think I'm just burnt out after 12 years helping my last one through all her mental health issues to only have it result in a failed marriage. I wanted a normal person this time. I would gladly put in a couple years helping if I hadn't already helped for 12 years last time I was in a relationship at this level. (we live together)
Author acrazylife Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 And as for your sexual dysfunction - again, not their problem, they didn't cause it, and personally, it would send me out the door in a heart beat. (FYI around 65% of women of reproductive age in this country are on birth control - but I agree, they should not need to mess with their hormones in order to placate your sexual dysfunction). I was about to give you a like for the "tough love" part of your post, but then I read this part, which is utterly disgusting. I don't have a "dysfunction." I have a preference. If a woman prefers certain types of sex, say... oral vs vaginal, that's a preference she has. According to you, if a man has a preference, it's a "dysfunction." How crude and demeaning toward men. Nice double standard. You'd beg like crazy to be with me if you saw my pics, lady. I guarantee it. Let's keep the insults to yourself. I function perfectly sexually. I just don't enjoy vaginal sex because a vagina can't produce all the pleasures you can get from other types of sex. End of story.
Author acrazylife Posted April 7, 2017 Author Posted April 7, 2017 You see the thing described above as the problem, but wait for it, the real problem you're facing will soon reveal itself:See? I told you so!Let me rephrase that for youLet me rephrase that for you: Let me rephrase that for you too:How often? Oh, EVERY TIME. Hmm. Imagine that!Again with the rephrasing: I have a thought. If you haven't caught on by now, let me spell it out for you: 1) Why? Because you're deluding yourself. You're not a SUPER nice guy. You're a SUPER weak guy. You are confusing being nice with cowardice. Those aren't the same things. You think you're doing these girls a favor by keeping them around until you can't stand it any longer. You're not. You're wasting their time. You're wasting your time. You're not a caretaker, so don't try to be one. That's the kind of man that they need. Not you. 2) You don't need to judge anybody. But you do need to judge the situations you find yourself in fairly. Are these women right for you, or are they not? The only value judgment there is whether you've found a match for you. If they are not a match, it's no knock against them. It doesn't even matter why they aren't a match. Mental illness, feet too big, left-handed, it doesn't matter. No match means NO MATCH. The crime is when you lead them on to believe that you're a suitable mate. So, as soon as you know, STOP DOING THE WRONG THING AND BEGIN TO DO THE RIGHT THING. 3) By that, I mean that if you want to be a SUPER nice guy, you need to be a normal strong guy. At the first sign of this, which by now you should be something of an expert on, you need to CUT THEM LOOSE, WITH PREJUDICE. You do that, and I guarantee your situation will improve. You'll waste less of your own time with non-matches, which will provide time for you to find good matches. These are pretty good points, except I have a problem in that I care for people. I often put their needs ahead of my own. Weak? Not at all. Caring. There is a big difference there. I'm actually *stronger* than the average guy. I can take care of my business, take care of life in general AND hold things together while they are falling apart. That takes 10x the strength of a guy who just walks out on them. Make no mistake there. BUT... you are definitely right about the rest of the post. The trouble I have here is that I had to try things out. I jumped in to give it a shot. Now... I feel terrible if I bail on this girl while she's deep in depression. I feel it's just... inhumane to do this to her. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I care about the pain she's going to feel if I go. It would destroy her. She's already got a lot of things wrong and this is probably the only thing sort of going right for her. I don't have the heart to utterly decimate her life. I just can't. At least not now while she's at the very bottom. I'm just tired of this pattern. "Sexual dysfunction lady" above was probably right as well with the picker comment. I have had tons to choose from, but this one seemed like the most compatible. We have all sorts of things in common, similar tastes, etc. We are too alike if anything. lol But... there is the depression and resulting disasters in her situation right now.
RecentChange Posted April 7, 2017 Posted April 7, 2017 Sorry I offended you. Having to give long drawn out hand jobs otherwise you are unable to orgasm, and not enjoy PIV sex doesn't sound like a lot of fun for the woman, but perhaps you will find someone that will gleefully indugle you. Sounds like it's not working well for your current GF. How did your wife feel about it? On occasion sure, but I would find it a bum out if my partner couldn't enjoy PIV sex etc. And what's this about double standards? I am usually one to advocate pelvic floor exercises, masterbation and other means for women to improve their sexual response and make sex better for not only them but their partners. Sounds like your means of reaching orgasm are limited. Have you looked into other forms of contraceptive besides hormonal and condoms? Perhaps a spermicide / diaphram / rhythm method would be reasonable?
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