BryanSmiley Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 I'm usually on the other side of the spectrum. In all of my dating scenarios and relationships, it was always the guy who asked this question, and I hated it!! I loved not knowing what was going on, and even though I wasn't seeing anyone else at the same time, saying these words made me feel like my freedom was stripped from me, because the second you establish exclusivity (even if you're being exclusive without saying so) it's almost like you are being tied down. I wouldn't bring it up so obviously. I would do it sneakily, so that he got the idea, but also knew that you aren't being direct. In other words, hint at exclusivity so he can hint at how he feels about it. I would go about this in a counterintuitive way. Instead of saying you were wondering where you're at, casually mention (perhaps) that there's another guy in the picture, and you're not quite sure how to handle his approaches. Depending on the reaction of the guy, you will be able to tell if he's relieved (he's happy you're not taking this too seriously) or offended (he doesn't want another guy in the picture). I think this is a clever way to do it. There is no pressure on him to answer a question (all the attention is on you), but he also gets the opportunity to say what's on his mind because you're asking for his opinion (basically saying you have options but respect him enough to consult with him first, incase he wants exclusivity). I recently dated someone not too dissimilar and find it very hard to comprehend. I don’t call recall which of us brought up exclusivity it may have been her a couple of months in. I then brought up labels a few weeks after she’d said we were behaving more like a couple. But it seemed to freak her out each time beyond that I reciprocated and approached the same topics, like you, she expressed a feeling of not being free. If you yourself want exclusivity on both sides then I don’t get this, what does saying the words out loud to clarify do or change so much? Whilst in the early stages light hints here and there I agree with and can do, imagine if you had a lack of that or mis-interepreted, then through not being dead clear with one another one of you found out the other was sleeping with other people? Or wasn’t open with something long term with you, or anyone? You’d have invested time, emotion, and money – for not good reason. Even if only a 2-4 month thing people can take a few months to recover and that’s had a dramatic impact on the person/s.
Author atenuousdream Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 (edited) []Things were going great up until after our last date last Monday, after which he was suddenly distant and disinterested seeming. He cancelled a date we were supposed to have this week (last minute) and then dodged me when I tried to reschedule. At that point I sent him a text civilly chastising him for trying to pull the fade on me and that I wish he'd respected me enough to just be honest and say the connection wasn't there. The next day (yesterday) he replied (via text which irks me... pick up the damn phone!). He apologized for being distant and said he is not fading on me. He proceeded to say he "wants to build a relationship with me" but his last relationship (which ended about a month before we began dating) is making it very difficult for him to want to be in a new relationship. He said he knows I have been being very patient and understanding with him, and he really likes that about me. Ugh. It's never easy for me, I always get the men with emotional baggage. I replied, put my cards on the table for him regarding how I felt (basically that I liked him but that we are still dating and I'm not in any rush to jump into a relationship) and said that if he is at all uncertain about wanting to be in a relationship it would be for the best if we stopped dating for the time being. He hasn't replied yet, which does not surprise me. I figure he's mulling it over. My question is... am I just being jerked around? I mean obviously this is a man with commitment issues so if we did decide to continue seeing each other I would be taking it VERY slow and carefully, but I'm wondering if this was just some weird form of "It's not you it's me," and I'm not realizing it. FWIW I have already put myself back out in the dating game and will date other men in the meantime. I just wanted some insight. Edited April 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Threads merged and title updated
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