Things got complicated fast.. should I run?

[atenuousdream]

I've been seeing a man for a little over a month. We've gone on 5 really nice dates, the first couple being drinks in a bar for several hours, we've gone on a hike, gone out to dinner, and our last date was dinner and a movie at my place. We had sex on our third date.

 

He's a single father with partial custody of his 6 year old daughter and is therefore only available every other week and one day on his "on" week.

 

After our last date (last week) I noticed a big change in how he communicated with me. He used to always check in and ask about my day, flirt with me, etc., now he usually only checks in once or twice, and doesn't really seem interested in an actual conversation. Granted... I NEVER check in or text him first, so maybe he's just figured I'm not really into it. I just thought it was odd it changed so immediately after our last date.

 

Anyhow I thought he had lost interest so I pulled a hail mary and asked him out on the day he has off from his kid this week. He said "Sounds good!" (which is typical for him) so we are set to go out in a couple of days.

 

At this point I'd like to know where we stand - i.e. if he's looking for something casual or something more serious. I've never had to bring it up before, usually it has been brought up already at this point. My thought was to just very bluntly bring it up "Hey, so I was wondering, we never really discussed what we want out of this - are you interested in casual dating right now or looking for something more serious?"

 

Is this a good approach or is it too confrontational? I'm a pretty honest person but I know a lot of people don't like being so direct. Thank you!

[Lpbluejm]

I'd say its definitely way too soon for that sort of thing. Let the relationship take its course imo. You might scare him off with your need to define the relationship before it has a chance to even really begin. His actions will speak louder than words ever could. Good luck to you, and focus on enjoying his company instead of his intentions.

[Redhead14]

I've been seeing a man for a little over a month. We've gone on 5 really nice dates, the first couple being drinks in a bar for several hours, we've gone on a hike, gone out to dinner, and our last date was dinner and a movie at my place. We had sex on our third date.

 

He's a single father with partial custody of his 6 year old daughter and is therefore only available every other week and one day on his "on" week.

 

After our last date (last week) I noticed a big change in how he communicated with me. He used to always check in and ask about my day, flirt with me, etc., now he usually only checks in once or twice, and doesn't really seem interested in an actual conversation. Granted... I NEVER check in or text him first, so maybe he's just figured I'm not really into it. I just thought it was odd it changed so immediately after our last date.

 

Anyhow I thought he had lost interest so I pulled a hail mary and asked him out on the day he has off from his kid this week. He said "Sounds good!" (which is typical for him) so we are set to go out in a couple of days.

 

At this point I'd like to know where we stand - i.e. if he's looking for something casual or something more serious. I've never had to bring it up before, usually it has been brought up already at this point. My thought was to just very bluntly bring it up "Hey, so I was wondering, we never really discussed what we want out of this - are you interested in casual dating right now or looking for something more serious?"

 

Is this a good approach or is it too confrontational? I'm a pretty honest person but I know a lot of people don't like being so direct. Thank you!

 

If you've been intimate with a man you are well within your right and responsibility to yourself to at the very least get some clarity about what his overall dating goals are. It's better to find that out before you are intimate with them. It's entirely to soon to ask him where he is about YOU specifically at this point.

 

How do you do this now? You simply make a statement about what you are looking for for yourself as a dating goal. And, then let him tell you what he's looking for. "you know, xname, we've never talked about our dating goals. I am looking for a long-term, committed relationship for myself with someone. What is your dating goal?

 

Like I said, that should be discussed before you sleep with a man to make sure you are on the same page there at least.

[atenuousdream]

I'd say its definitely way too soon for that sort of thing. Let the relationship take its course imo. You might scare him off with your need to define the relationship before it has a chance to even really begin. His actions will speak louder than words ever could. Good luck to you, and focus on enjoying his company instead of his intentions.

 

I guess for me, particularly since we are having sex, I would like to make sure he is not sleeping around as that is not something I am comfortable with. We are both adults; I would have no problem with someone asking me this but I do know that it is a *big deal* for a lot of people.

[atenuousdream]

If you've been intimate with a man you are well within your right and responsibility to yourself to at the very least get some clarity about what his overall dating goals are. It's better to find that out before you are intimate with them. It's entirely to soon to ask him where he is about YOU specifically at this point.

 

How do you do this now? You simply make a statement about what you are looking for for yourself as a dating goal. And, then let him tell you what he's looking for. "you know, xname, we've never talked about our dating goals. I am looking for a long-term, committed relationship for myself with someone. What is your dating goal?

 

Like I said, that should be discussed before you sleep with a man to make sure you are on the same page there at least.

 

I absolutely agree and usually I do this, it's just for some reason I keep getting carried away with him and get lost in the moment.

 

I will say on our second date he did ask me if I was still online (I wasn't, not because of him but for other reasons) and he said he had removed himself from the internet after our first meeting. He also lamented about past relationships that never got off the ground saying "I guess they really weren't serious about wanting a relationship," so I do believe he is looking for something serious, but it hasn't been 100% clarified. Additionally, at this point he asked me if I had any questions and said he was an open book. I was kind of taken aback and said no, and now I kick myself for not getting some answers then.

 

Thank you for your insight.

Edited April 3, 2017 by atenuousdream

[avvril3000]

I've been seeing a man for a little over a month. We've gone on 5 really nice dates, the first couple being drinks in a bar for several hours, we've gone on a hike, gone out to dinner, and our last date was dinner and a movie at my place. We had sex on our third date.

 

He's a single father with partial custody of his 6 year old daughter and is therefore only available every other week and one day on his "on" week.

 

After our last date (last week) I noticed a big change in how he communicated with me. He used to always check in and ask about my day, flirt with me, etc., now he usually only checks in once or twice, and doesn't really seem interested in an actual conversation. Granted... I NEVER check in or text him first, so maybe he's just figured I'm not really into it. I just thought it was odd it changed so immediately after our last date.

 

Anyhow I thought he had lost interest so I pulled a hail mary and asked him out on the day he has off from his kid this week. He said "Sounds good!" (which is typical for him) so we are set to go out in a couple of days.

 

At this point I'd like to know where we stand - i.e. if he's looking for something casual or something more serious. I've never had to bring it up before, usually it has been brought up already at this point. My thought was to just very bluntly bring it up "Hey, so I was wondering, we never really discussed what we want out of this - are you interested in casual dating right now or looking for something more serious?"

 

Is this a good approach or is it too confrontational? I'm a pretty honest person but I know a lot of people don't like being so direct. Thank you!

 

If you're sleeping with him, i don't think its too soon to ask that question. Its not really you asking if you wanna be bf/gf... it's you getting clarification whether he is into the idea of long term or not right now in his life. You need to know this otherwise you're not going to be able to make a healthy choice for yourself.

I asked my current boyfriend on the first date "if he wanted to be married and have kids oneday". Direct question. If they run at the thought of what they want for their own future, then they're not for you. You want a guy who can at least make a decision on something.

 

Dont be afraid of them running off. Coz if they do, theyre not going to be a good partner because you need to ask the harder stuff in life in long term relationships and have them be a solid foundation for you.

 

good luck!

[smackie9]

Why do people shoot first and ask questions later? lol I always thought the first couple of dates is where you "get to know them, and discuss lightly what everyone is looking for" so you can kinda at least get an idea.

 

The above poster is right...if they run off then you are not on the same page anyways....no loss.

[basil67]

Good on you for taking the initiative to set up a date with him. It's way past time, but better late than never.

 

As far as the conversation goes, what do YOU want? If you're wanting a relationship but the discussion of "what are you looking for?" scares him off, then he's not the guy for your future anyway. A guy who's seeking a long term relationship will not be scared off by the conversation.

 

But if you're OK with casual, then probably best to leave it be.

[d0nnivain]

Oh Boy. The time to have the where are we Q is before you start sleeping with them.

 

 

That horse left the barn.

 

 

After acting indifferent to him by never initiating, you finally reached out in what you call a Hail Mary. When you asked him out that was the first time this man had a real clue that you liked him back. Until then he was risking everything while you sat back & let him do all the work.

 

 

In light of your past behavior, one date later is way too soon to start this conversation. 6 dates in is too soon but since you are sleeping together already at this the only thing you have to lose is a BF who could potentially expose you to disease if he has multiple partners.

 

 

I'd soften your approach a bit but do have the conversation. Be prepared to vote with your feet if you don't like his answers. If you want exclusive but stay even if that is not what he wants, you will never get what you want.

[curlygirl40]

This is always the issue for me. I do think it's too early to have that conversation before you both really know what you want from each other. I think 5 dates is too early.

 

However! If you're sleeping with someone, most of us want to know they aren't sleeping with other people. It's a reasonable expectation. You didn't have that conversation really before sex, and I don't think it's too late to have it after.

 

I think you could simply say something like this 'I know we didn't discuss this before, and I'm not really ready to label anything, but I'm not comfortable sleeping with someone if they are sleeping with other people, so I just want to make sure we're on the same page' or something like that.

 

And then really listen to his response, I think it will tell you a lot.

 

In this sort of conversation, you're not asking 'what are we' or to be his girlfriend or something like this. You're simply saying that if you're sleeping with him, you don't want him to be sleeping with other people which is a completely reasonable expectation.

 

I think if he answers something that makes you feel comfortable, then you'll feel better for a little bit and the 'what are we doing, what are you looking for?' conversation can happen later.

 

My friends give me a hard time for this all the time, but I completely get where you are coming from with his texting pattern changing. When a pattern has been set, and then they deviate from it without any real explanation, I do think it can be a sign of disinterest, of them talking to someone else, of them having doubts, etc.

 

So listen to your gut but make sure he knows you're interested.

 

I dated a guy like this and he was 100% interested but just slow moving and so busy with his kids that things moved along slowly but there was progress along the way.

 

Good luck!!

[curlygirl40]

 

 

I'd soften your approach a bit but do have the conversation. Be prepared to vote with your feet if you don't like his answers. If you want exclusive but stay even if that is not what he wants, you will never get what you want.

 

I agree with this completely. Decide what you want the outcome to be from the conversation first. And if his answer isn't what you want to hear, be prepared to tell him that it seems you are looking for different things and wish him the best.

 

Not that I would do this as a test, but if this is the outcome and you walk, if he really likes you he will follow, so to speak.

 

Know your worth and speak up for what you want without being harsh.

 

"I'm sorry we didn't have this conversation before but I just want you to know I don't sleep with men who are sleeping with others. If you're not ready for that kind of commitment, I can move along, so that's o.k. But I would like to know". kind of thing

[atenuousdream]

I agree with this completely. Decide what you want the outcome to be from the conversation first. And if his answer isn't what you want to hear, be prepared to tell him that it seems you are looking for different things and wish him the best.

 

Not that I would do this as a test, but if this is the outcome and you walk, if he really likes you he will follow, so to speak.

 

Know your worth and speak up for what you want without being harsh.

 

"I'm sorry we didn't have this conversation before but I just want you to know I don't sleep with men who are sleeping with others. If you're not ready for that kind of commitment, I can move along, so that's o.k. But I would like to know". kind of thing

 

Thanks for your advice! I agree, I already know if he is wishy washy on this I will be honest with him. I know I want a committed relationship (eventually) and I'm not interested in someone who's unsure of that. I am not looking to label anything at the moment, I just would like some clarification on whether we're looking for the same thing. As I said, his communication style has altered within the last week or so, and my woman's intuition says he is losing interest.

 

I will likely use some variant of your dialogue on the next date unless I can tell for certain that it's not a good idea. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts.

[frus69]

Maybe I'm odd on this but I do not like to discuss this sort of questions. I never ask a guy "hey so what are we". I just show them I am serious,by having pretty high standard in terms of how I should be treated. And they all get the message. They either fade out rather quickly or they stick through. Me and my bf never had the relationship talk lol

[BryanSmiley]

There’s subtle nuances to how things are put, and what terms to use in such conversations. After a few weeks and 6 dates it’s certainly reasonable to have a solid idea of what you are roughly both looking for and if you are seeing other people or not. You can often pick these things up without the need for a ‘conversation’. If you’re talking to the person daily, into a pattern of saying goodnight for e.g. when you’re not together – that’s strongly indicating your both being exclusive for example.

 

Portray it more generically in terms of gentle, even jovial mentions of what are your dating goals, where do you see yourself in a couple of years etc. You can tell a lot from these responses.

 

It’s probably not until 3+ months that you’d approach the label side of things, i.e. bf/gf. People are very different on these things. It’s often said it should be left for the females to initiate such talks, again I’m open minded but interested on views. I had a girl wanting to label us bf/gf after a few dates and having just had sex the first time, which I was fine with because I liked her, it shouldn’t scare someone off if they are emotionally mature, like you enough, and you want to give the ride a good go and be open to options. I then had a girl whom after 5 months of on/off dating, but having been exclusive – just seized up at any kind of label discussion. Somewhere in the middle would be nice, but yeah don’t be afraid to walk if they can’t maturely ride such conversational areas.

[smackie9]

Maybe I'm odd on this but I do not like to discuss this sort of questions. I never ask a guy "hey so what are we". I just show them I am serious,by having pretty high standard in terms of how I should be treated. And they all get the message. They either fade out rather quickly or they stick through. Me and my bf never had the relationship talk lol

You got lucky...seriously we have had threads where the guy was dating two women, and knew at least one of them was very serious, but felt he was well within his right because they never had "the talk".

[SevenCity]

Why do people shoot first and ask questions later? lol I always thought the first couple of dates is where you "get to know them, and discuss lightly what everyone is looking for" so you can kinda at least get an idea.

 

The above poster is right...if they run off then you are not on the same page anyways....no loss.

 

Just because I'm looking for a serious RL doesn't mean I'm going to want it with the particular girl who's asking.

 

When this comes up I am upfront and say I do want a LTR and to eventually get married.

 

That said, it takes me time and sex to determine if this is the girl I want it with.

 

Just because you are looking for the same thing doesn't mean you found it with that person.

[atenuousdream]

There’s subtle nuances to how things are put, and what terms to use in such conversations. After a few weeks and 6 dates it’s certainly reasonable to have a solid idea of what you are roughly both looking for and if you are seeing other people or not. You can often pick these things up without the need for a ‘conversation’. If you’re talking to the person daily, into a pattern of saying goodnight for e.g. when you’re not together – that’s strongly indicating your both being exclusive for example.

 

Portray it more generically in terms of gentle, even jovial mentions of what are your dating goals, where do you see yourself in a couple of years etc. You can tell a lot from these responses.

 

It’s probably not until 3+ months that you’d approach the label side of things, i.e. bf/gf. People are very different on these things. It’s often said it should be left for the females to initiate such talks, again I’m open minded but interested on views. I had a girl wanting to label us bf/gf after a few dates and having just had sex the first time, which I was fine with because I liked her, it shouldn’t scare someone off if they are emotionally mature, like you enough, and you want to give the ride a good go and be open to options. I then had a girl whom after 5 months of on/off dating, but having been exclusive – just seized up at any kind of label discussion. Somewhere in the middle would be nice, but yeah don’t be afraid to walk if they can’t maturely ride such conversational areas.

 

I am in no hurry to label things. I'M not even sure if he's boyfriend material, or someone I want to be with long term. However I do know that that is my goal in dating, is to eventually develop a long term relationship with someone, and I want to make sure that is his goal as well.

 

Unfortunately he is a VERY laid back man - there are things he lets go in his life that would drive me mad, and that might eventually be what drives me away from him. He has never really planned a date, just said "Let's do something (this day)" and leaves the details to me. I am okay with this, I figure he spends most of his life planning things for his daughter that he doesn't really care what we do.

 

This morning I texted him to confirm our date tonight and he said he forgot about a prior commitment regarding his daughter this evening and had to cancel. I suggested this weekend and he said Friday was good, so now we're doing a weekend date. Which I would prefer over a weekday date, but I am admittedly peeved that he agreed to tonight without checking his calendar. I think it was actually kind of rude and also, likely, an indication that he's only so-so about me.

 

He mentioned on our second date that women tend to fade on him after 2-3 months, and I'm wondering if it's because none of them can put up with this behavior. Eh, we'll see. For now I guess I'll just have fun with him. If it gets more serious I suppose then I can share with him my feelings on this matter.

Edited April 4, 2017 by atenuousdream

[atenuousdream]

Nevermind on this whole question. After he cancelled on today's date he refused to confirm that he was available Friday, giving me stupid avoidant answers and I finally just decided to write him off. I'm better than that.

[d0nnivain]

Sorry it came to that but applause to you for knowing your own worth.

[atenuousdream]

Sorry it came to that but applause to you for knowing your own worth.

 

Thanks, me too. I've run in to more men who chase hard at first and then lose interest once I have interest... it's emotionally draining. I think I'm gonna take a break for a while and reevaluate my approach to dating because I'm obviously doing something wrong.

[frus69]

Thanks, me too. I've run in to more men who chase hard at first and then lose interest once I have interest... it's emotionally draining. I think I'm gonna take a break for a while and reevaluate my approach to dating because I'm obviously doing something wrong.

 

Yes. Once you have high standard in terms of how guys should treat you, you don't even need to have the "talk". You will see their intention through their action very quick. You did the right thing. Move on and good luck!

[atenuousdream]

Yes. Once you have high standard in terms of how guys should treat you, you don't even need to have the "talk". You will see their intention through their action very quick. You did the right thing. Move on and good luck!

 

Yes, I know I did, but it still sucks. He really seemed like a good one at first. But I guess I'll chalk it up to "lesson learned."

[OatsAndHall]

I agree with what has been posted above.. The discussion about being exclusive needs to happen before sex. It's not just an emotional issue, it's a practical, safe approach. I won't sleep with a woman unless we've agreed on being exclusive as I don't want to risk sleeping with a woman who is also sleeping with other men.

[atenuousdream]

I agree with what has been posted above.. The discussion about being exclusive needs to happen before sex. It's not just an emotional issue, it's a practical, safe approach. I won't sleep with a woman unless we've agreed on being exclusive as I don't want to risk sleeping with a woman who is also sleeping with other men.

 

Thanks, but at this point it's a moot point. The guy clearly wasn't interested. I will remember this advice though and the next time I'm dating someone sex will not happen until exclusivity has been broached.

[Hopeful30]

I'm usually on the other side of the spectrum. In all of my dating scenarios and relationships, it was always the guy who asked this question, and I hated it!! I loved not knowing what was going on, and even though I wasn't seeing anyone else at the same time, saying these words made me feel like my freedom was stripped from me, because the second you establish exclusivity (even if you're being exclusive without saying so) it's almost like you are being tied down.

 

I wouldn't bring it up so obviously. I would do it sneakily, so that he got the idea, but also knew that you aren't being direct. In other words, hint at exclusivity so he can hint at how he feels about it.

 

I would go about this in a counterintuitive way. Instead of saying you were wondering where you're at, casually mention (perhaps) that there's another guy in the picture, and you're not quite sure how to handle his approaches. Depending on the reaction of the guy, you will be able to tell if he's relieved (he's happy you're not taking this too seriously) or offended (he doesn't want another guy in the picture).

 

I think this is a clever way to do it. There is no pressure on him to answer a question (all the attention is on you), but he also gets the opportunity to say what's on his mind because you're asking for his opinion (basically saying you have options but respect him enough to consult with him first, incase he wants exclusivity).