xyz100 Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 I (22f) realized that me and the guy I am dating won’t work out, but it is normal to feel this bad given that I haven’t known him for very long? He and I are both university students in our final year. We met about 5 months ago in class. After that we started talking on facebook or in class about once or twice every week for about 2 months. Looking back now I think I have started developing feelings for him near that time but I didn’t quite realize it back then, and we were just talking like friends. About 2 months ago I asked him out on a date. And since then we started seeing each other about once every week. About 6 days ago I realized that he looks like he is gradually losing interest in me. I know that I like him, but I was still a bit shocked at how sad I became after I realized we might not end up together. For the last 6 days since I noticed it I feel like crying at various times during the day, especially when I think about that I am probably not going to see him ever in my life. I cannot focus on my work. It seems I am thinking about what’s wrong at the back of my mind no matter what I am doing, even though I have been busy with school work and tried to stay in contact with friends/other people as much as possible. I almost never feel like eating and have to force myself to have even just 1/3 of what I normally would eat. I was not expecting this level of sadness because to me it feels like that would only happen after if we had actually been in a relationship for a while. Although previously I was having very positive view about us and may became quite attached, I never think we are actually in a relationship. This is the first time I became interested in someone (I know it’s very late) and therefore my first dating experience. Also I am from East Asia and relationships works quite differently there, so I am not sure how quick feeling should develop when just dating someone. Maybe I am wrong but is it normal to feel like this after only dating someone for about 2 months?
CptInsano Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Given your age I would say that it is perfectly normal to feel like this. Two months are a long enough to develop feelings, and it may seem counterintuitive right now, but it is a good thing, because you actually care about somebody. When you say that it looks like he is losing interest, have you actually talked to him about it? Many men pull back because they are dealing with a problem, but it doesn't necessarily mean he is losing interest. Also, does he know how you feel about him?
Redhead14 Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 (edited) but it is normal to feel this bad given that I haven’t known him for very long? -- Well, sure, it's normal to feel a little sad when you realize that a new dating scenario isn't going to work out for the long term. But, generally, when it's so new, it's not about losing that person, it's about the vision/hope you had that it would work out. You mourn the loss of that opportunity. When you go into a new dating scenario, it's OK to be hopeful and excited about the prospect, however, it's important to manage those emotions and expectations by balancing them with logic, objectivity and the ability to realize and accept that dating is a process of evaluation and understanding that not everyone we date is going to be or can be a suitable dating partner for us. It's just the way it is. For the most part, strong emotions at the very beginning are about endorphins and excitement. It's a high and it's nice, but it also clouds our ability to see the person and/or the situation realistically. Just be good to yourself and get really focused on your life, your studies and your future. Look to become a strong, secure, independent woman in your own right. You are your #1 priority right now. the first time I became interested in someone (I know it’s very late) -- Sweetie, you're only 22! There is no rush. Edited April 6, 2017 by Redhead14 1
Author xyz100 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 Given your age I would say that it is perfectly normal to feel like this. Two months are a long enough to develop feelings, and it may seem counterintuitive right now, but it is a good thing, because you actually care about somebody. When you say that it looks like he is losing interest, have you actually talked to him about it? Many men pull back because they are dealing with a problem, but it doesn't necessarily mean he is losing interest. Also, does he know how you feel about him? Thanks for the reply! I think I felt better knowing that it is pretty normal. :-D And about your question I am not really sure he is as interested in me as I thought he was to begin with, now I reconsider what happened. We seldom message or text each other since we began seeing each other, not even after the first date which I think he really enjoyed. Even though he seems to be messaging friends on facebook all the time. He is an outgoing guy, although I am the shy one. And although he is the one initiating the action earlier when we met, after we started I am the person that is texting him for dates for pretty much most of them (we would meet and talk for 5+ hour every week, but not so much interaction outside of that during the week). He also has a very laid-back lifestyle and is not busy at all. The most important thing is that we are leaving school in less than a month, but he hasn't asked which city I am moving to. I think I was once very positive about us because I really enjoyed each date, and often before we leave he would stand and linger there facing me as if he didn't want to leave. But I realize I may not paid enough attention to other things to see if he is really interested or not. I initiated the last two dates in the weeks before, and the previous week I stopped to see if he is going to message me, but he didn't. Given that I am not sure if I should just assume he is not interested anymore, or ask him something about what he thinks.
CptInsano Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 So, it seems like you didn't meet very frequently. Do you know why that is? But yes, if he is very social and you are rather shy, it is indeed possible that he sees you differently than you see him. I'm just still amazed that you haven't talked about it, with you moving away. (It's possible that he doesn't want to get deeper involved, knowing that your time is limited.) But since you do seem to care for him, I would have that talk, just to make sure you are not misunderstanding each other. Even if it confirms your suspicions, you will be able to stop wondering about him.
Author xyz100 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 So, it seems like you didn't meet very frequently. Do you know why that is? But yes, if he is very social and you are rather shy, it is indeed possible that he sees you differently than you see him. I'm just still amazed that you haven't talked about it, with you moving away. (It's possible that he doesn't want to get deeper involved, knowing that your time is limited.) But since you do seem to care for him, I would have that talk, just to make sure you are not misunderstanding each other. Even if it confirms your suspicions, you will be able to stop wondering about him. Yes I agree with you about the last part, I am going to ask him out once and talk about it if he would come. But if he said he wouldn't come do you think I should still tell him how I feel? Sorry I know this might be a silly question, but just want to know someone else's opinion...
Author xyz100 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 but it is normal to feel this bad given that I haven’t known him for very long? -- Well, sure, it's normal to feel a little sad when you realize that a new dating scenario isn't going to work out for the long term. But, generally, when it's so new, it's not about losing that person, it's about the vision/hope you had that it would work out. You mourn the loss of that opportunity. When you go into a new dating scenario, it's OK to be hopeful and excited about the prospect, however, it's important to manage those emotions and expectations by balancing them with logic, objectivity and the ability to realize and accept that dating is a process of evaluation and understanding that not everyone we date is going to be or can be a suitable dating partner for us. It's just the way it is. For the most part, strong emotions at the very beginning are about endorphins and excitement. It's a high and it's nice, but it also clouds our ability to see the person and/or the situation realistically. Just be good to yourself and get really focused on your life, your studies and your future. Look to become a strong, secure, independent woman in your own right. You are your #1 priority right now. the first time I became interested in someone (I know it’s very late) -- Sweetie, you're only 22! There is no rush. Yes I think I really wasn't ready for what I should expect and that's why I was unprepared for this. Next time I would know better. Thanks so much for the advice and I will try to achieve that! :D
devilish innocent Posted April 7, 2017 Posted April 7, 2017 The break-up section of this forum has a fair number of stories of people who were heartbroken after breaking up with somebody they had dated for just a short while. There is no right or wrong way to feel after such a short relationship. Sometimes the relationship ends and a person finds that they don't miss the other person at all. Other times, they get really depressed for a while. It does sound as though he's losing interest in you. Your conversation with him should be to confirm that you are reading him right. If you are, there is no reason to tell him just how sad you are. That would only hold you back from moving on.
Author xyz100 Posted April 7, 2017 Author Posted April 7, 2017 The break-up section of this forum has a fair number of stories of people who were heartbroken after breaking up with somebody they had dated for just a short while. There is no right or wrong way to feel after such a short relationship. Sometimes the relationship ends and a person finds that they don't miss the other person at all. Other times, they get really depressed for a while. It does sound as though he's losing interest in you. Your conversation with him should be to confirm that you are reading him right. If you are, there is no reason to tell him just how sad you are. That would only hold you back from moving on. I think I am a bit relief to know that others could feel like this too, thanks for the comment! I definitely won't tell him how sad I am, that's just my issue and not something he has to deal with. But do you think just letting him know that I really like him and thank him for the time we spent together would be a bad idea too? Given that I have never explicitly expressed that to him. I am just not sure if people normally do that at this stage if they are in my position.
Recommended Posts