bf's male friend

[Phantomlady]

I have been dating my bf for a year and a half and he has never shown any gay tendencies. But he has a male friend and I am not sure what to make of it.

 

My bf is 50 and this male friend is his is in his 40's. Let's call him J.

 

J has dated women but he has never had a serious relationship with a woman that lasted very long. J also seems to "date" women long distance.

J has also never had sex. But J also is really into religion and has been taught that homosexuality means damnation.

 

I started noticing odd behaviour between him and my bf the first year we dated. They worked in the same building.

J would often come looking for my bf all the time citing that he wanted to talk to him about his problems or just wanted to check up on him.

The client my bf was working for, did not like J and asked my bf specifically to not have J around.

My bf then started to sneak J in for visits or sneak out to talk with him.

 

My bf's work was 24 hour care and he would often be at his clients for days on end, so I would call him in the morning before work started, to spend a bit of time with him.

Quite often we would be interrupted by J who would come around to see him or would call incessantly.

It happened that much that we had fights about it and I asked him to tell J to back off.

I heard my bf run to the phone a few times to answer J's call while my bf and I were already on the phone (on his mobile and landline was ringing).

My bf would speak so gently to J and would tell him he was sorry he couldn't talk right then, but would promise to call him back as soon as he could.

This bothered me and made me wonder what was going on as he talked to him like you would a partner and tried to reassure J and almost coddle him.

 

Again my bf and I would argue about this and he promised me that J was just lonely and only wanted advice about women and was needy but would put him in his place to back off.

 

J finally decided to move away from the city my bf was in. I was relieved to be honest,thinking that finally J would get a life and not be so needy towards my bf.

 

It didn't happen that way. J still calls my bf at least once a week, sometimes more (not to mention emails and skype). He will even call late at night, and the last time he rang that late, my bf told me J had to because my bf had promised to call him that day but didn't so J was a bit upset and wanted to know why my bf didn't call.

(they then spent an hour and a half on the phone together).

 

I have had bf's in the past who had good friends, even best friends and I have never seen two men act like this. Especially J. Its like he NEEDS to speak to my bf.

But then my bf is so gentle with J and is very protective of him. If anyone questions J or says anything negative about J, but bf jumps to defend him.

 

I personally think J is gay. He acts almost lovestruck when he is around my bf and listens to his every word. But then why does my bf allow this to go on?

 

I haven't said a whole lot to my bf about this but J interrupting us so many times has caused us to have fights. I also questioned my bf on why its so critical for them to talk so much and so often.

He thinks I am making too big of a deal of it.

What are your opinions and how would you feel if this was your bf?

[somanymistakes]

But then why does my bf allow this to go on?

 

Are you expecting that if J were gay, your bf 'ought' to be offended? Or ought to feel obligated to let him down gently and tell him to back off, as you would expect him to if a female friend were in love with him? Or are you afraid that your bf has romantic feelings for this guy?

 

While these days people love to try and stick labels on everything, it's not always that simple. Some people do form super tight-knit friendships without there necessarily being a sexual component. Modern culture often pretends this is just a girl thing (and many women do have SUPER close emotional friendships) but it happens between men as well, even if a lot of people feel compelled to chest-pound about their "no homo" bromance.

 

They have an emotional connection. Why? Who knows. Sure, maybe there are repressed romantic feelings there. Maybe they went through a shared traumatic experience together once and it bonded them tightly. Maybe your BF is the only one who knows J's deepest darkest secrets and is oathbound to protect them. Maybe they're secretly half-brothers from an affair your bf's father had and no one knows because it was massively shameful in the community at the time. There's a lot of possibilities, I couldn't possibly know what the real one was.

 

But what is the core of your objection, here? Are you objecting to J in the same way you would object to your bf spending too much time playing video games and therefore ignoring you, or is it something else?

[Phantomlady]

What I am objecting to is, J has often gotten in the way of me and my bf and my bf runs to J as soon as J wants him.

I find it more than annoying.

 

J is the over needy friend that will call right in the middle of me and my bf trying to spend quality time together.

J obviously knows my bf's schedule because my bf tells him, and so when my bf has time off from work and we finally have time together, J is right in there phoning or wanting attention.

 

J is the friend who will call late at night just as the day is winding down and me and my bf are once again trying to wind down, maybe even become intimate...and there is J once again phoning or wanting something.

 

It's more than annoying.

What I am not understanding is why at this late of age would two men be acting this way? Or why my bf's caters to J like this.

Do I worry my bf is gay, slightly but not really, more like I am frustrated that my bf has no backbone and let's J run on him like this.

 

If any women are reading this and have a bf, trust me when I say you'd be wanting to tell J to get lost too if he was your bf's friend and kept showing up constantly at the most inopportune times being so damn needy.

This has gone on the entire time I have dated my bf by the way, it's not new.

[d0nnivain]

I prefer to be the priority relationship in my SOs life. I understand there are periods when other people & other obligations come first. Sometimes there is a work crisis or a friend is in trouble. When my parents were dying, they were my priorities & DH understood that but we both knew it was temporary.

 

 

J's sexual orientation isn't the issue. If he is "in the closet," he needs compassion, not scorn & all the good friends he can get.

 

 

If your objection focuses on J's interference in your relationship with your BF, frame the issue that way & leave your theories about J's preferences out of the discussion. One caveat: if you think your BF & J have something going on the down low because that can effect your health, you are entitled to know that.

[enddeck]

The way I see it there are two aspects to this question.Anyone of either sex who comes between two people in a relationship is a problem and I think some simple boundary drawing by your bf could sort this out.ie no late night calls unless they are five minutes or less and no disrupting date nights etc.Modern phones can be set to block all numbers except certain ones,e.g. work,on apple It is called do not disturb.

The other aspect whether J is gay or not is none of your business unless it comes between you and your boyfriend,then it is a problem.If J is gay and is still in the closet then his mind must be in turmoil and your boyfriend is showing great compassion in how he deals with it.If you think there is anything sexual going on between them then you need to get this cleared up immediately.

I know many gay people and I think you are right about J but I think your bf is just being kind to his oldest friend.Im from a catholic country and I have seen so many people ostracised because of their sexual preference that I think it is one of the hardest things in the world to "come out".

[Larryville]

I have been dating my bf for a year and a half and he has never shown any gay tendencies.

 

Then why did you mention this…

 

just sayin...

 

But he has a male friend and I am not sure what to make of it.

 

Yes, you kinda do...

 

My bf is 50 and this male friend is his is in his 40's. Let's call him J.

J has dated women but he has never had a serious relationship with a woman

 

seems to "date" women long distance.

 

J has also never had sex. But J also is really into religion and has been taught that homosexuality means damnation.

 

Ok pausing on that one…

 

I started noticing odd behaviour between him and my bf

 

J would often come looking for my bf all the time citing that he wanted to talk to him about his problems or just wanted to check up on him.

 

WTF is that!?

 

The client my bf was working for, did not like J and asked my bf specifically to not have J around.

 

My bf then started to sneak J in for visits or sneak out to talk with him.

 

Ok I’ve read enough.

 

Draw a freaking line in the sand, not only is this guy jacking with your relationship, he is jacking with your Bf’s job too. Hell no!

 

I haven't said a whole lot to my bf about this.

Keeping silent does not work, being passive aggressing does not work.

He thinks I am making too big of a deal of it.

No, you are not. One thing to like and have a supportive friend but both seemingly don’t give a crap about you and your feelings, seriously disrespect.

 

I prefer to be the priority relationship in my SOs life.

 

Yup And

 

if you think your BF & J have something going on the down low because that can effect your health, you are entitled to know that.

 

Absolutely!

 

Is a tired old quote but unfortunately too many people ignore, “You teach people how to treat you.”

 

Draw a line in the sand, and if his treatment of you continues to put you on the backburner, make his @$$ your ex bf! I can smell the BS even thru the computer...

[Phantomlady]

Why I mentioned J's preference is because I do believe he is in love with my bf.

Do I fear my bf shares the same feelings? No, absolutely not.

But the way J acts and the way he needs my bf's attentions so much and the way he runs to him over every little thing and hangs onto every word that come out of my bf's mouth, yes, I would say he is in love with him.

 

Do I fear him being in love with my bf will threaten us? again, no absolutely not. But it wouldn't be any different if it were a female doing the exact same thing.

I wouldn't appreciate her calling at all hours and interfering with our times together and causing fights and so on.

It is annoying at best, and I really do wish my bf would tell him to knock it off, but bf doesn't. He caters to him.

It can be frustrating.

[whichwayisup]

Boundaries!! And this guy has none. He feels he can call at anytime and expect your boyfriend to drop everything and run to him (or talk to him) whenever he wants. That's wrong and it's up to your boyfriend to distance himself slightly and create a healthy boundary so their friendship doesn't get in the way of your relationship.

 

J probably has feelings of attachment towards your bf but I doubt it's sexual.

But if it is sexual and you know you're bf isn't interested that way, there's nothing to worry about something happening between them.

[somanymistakes]

Yeah, I think you need to talk with your BF about enforcing reasonable boundaries, with the understanding that if there is a deep emotional attachment then yes sometimes boundaries may be broken in an emergency, but not all the time.

 

The constant interference sounds very annoying.

[Mr. Lucky]

It is annoying at best, and I really do wish my bf would tell him to knock it off, but bf doesn't. He caters to him.

It can be frustrating.

 

There's been a few "third wheel" threads lately with the same vibe. And as in the others, what's true about your situation is this - the problem isn't "J".

 

Participants in a successful relationship set healthy boundaries and are sensitive to each other's concerns. In this regard, your BF is "0 for 2". He doesn't care that "J" constantly intrudes and he doesn't care about your plainly stated angst over the matter.

 

So the math says something he's getting from "J" is more important than what he's getting from you. Whether that component is emotional or physical, I have no idea. But at the very least, it's a "no" vote on either the health of your relationship or your BF's suitability as a partner.

 

Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky