What was the most important thing you learned from your last heartbreak?

[klick09]

Something that changed you for better (or worse). Help us who are still trying to make sense of everything .

[Blanco]

Something that changed you for better (or worse). Help us who are still trying to make sense of everything .

 

Romantic partners should enrich your life and add to your happiness, not be the entire reason you are happy with your life. It's so easy to get lost within a relationship that it's hard to always remember that we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness, even if we are building a life together with someone.

 

Be an emotionally and physically present partner, yes, but maintain your own sense of self whether it's through your hobbies and passions or other activities that don't necessarily involve your partner. Be willing to compromise, but not who you are.

 

Part of the reason why breakups are so devastating is that we've often cast aside a lot of our own interests while with that person that we feel aimless and lost without that person. We've lost the sense of who we are and what made us happy prior to the relationship.

[avvril3000]

my last breakup... so many lessons learnt. I could write an essay... but i will try to make it short and sweet.

 

Don't stay in any relationship that makes you miserable, sad, unsure of yourself, unsure of the relationship, unsure of him/her, bad about yourself, etc. At any sign of this, its already not good.

 

Don't expect your partner to change or for things to get better because unless they make the change themselves, they won't change for you. You'll circle around the same unresolves issues for years and just waste good time on the wrong person.

 

relationships should be easy, fun, trustworthy, they should be your best friend. you should feel sexy and wanted and yes there will be trying times with fihts and arguments and what not, but when its just you always miserable and questioning everything, its not good.

 

trust your gut... your gut is usually right.

[Cornelius_Smiff]

It gave me some of the best life lessons..

 

It impossible to make Love safe - Whether by death or one leaving the other, heartbreak is a certainty. But because it is doomed, it makes Love even more worthy of having.

 

Don't horde the darkness - Don't hold onto hate and bitterness or at least try and temper it. You will never heal until you can say 'meh' to it.

 

Do not run from your broken heart - Essentially make friends with your bad emotions. I don't mean let them consume you but I don't mean run from them either. Just let them sit next to you or walk around you. Like a wild animal you wish to tame. You don't provoke it, you just let it be. Eventually you become familiar with each other and finally you can tame it.

 

 

No contact, no contact, no contact - For the love of god do no break no contact. It is akin to kicking a drug habit and one of the most difficult thing's during a breakup (especially if you're the one whose heartbroken) is to resist the urge to go contact them. Trust me on this, it is the best way to move on quickly and looking back, it is the main reason I am moving on/healing much quicker than I ever imagined.

 

Cheating is not about you, it's about their cowardice - Very important lesson here. No one is forced to cheat. EVER! It is a decision taken by the cheater and done so out of cowardice. Even if a person is in the worst relationship imaginable, it is still ultimately a decision they made. A cheater is a coward and is about their own insecurities.

 

It gets easier - I had been through breakups before which were hard but nothing prepared me to the scale of grief I felt over my previous one. I was literally living breath to breath, moment to moment and minute to minute. I was broken and a walking husk for at least a month. I saw no way of ever surviving this. But here I am and it does get easier. Literally you will feel switches go off in your head and you will be like (oh this is getting easier now). You will still have dark days along the way, but the time between those dark days will become bigger. You will stop thinking about your Ex at every waking moment. But trust me on this!... It does get easier!

[1fish2fish]

Sometimes love isn't enough. I needed passion too.

[jorgeg3d]

Don't let people mislead you. As sad as it is, sometimes you have to look at your partner as objective as possible. When they make your relationship hard to progress forward, you know thats a sign. Its just harder when you're already in love and things like that don't make sense. Self sabotaging people need help far beyond relationship help.

[Bromeo]

No contact.

 

Own your mistakes, but don't take the blame for everything.

 

Do not under any circumstances chase.

 

Be strong enough to walk away from someone who you love, but is hurting you.

 

Crystal clear, rock solid communication solves many problems, and prevents heartache.

 

Do not ignore red flags because you are infatuated.

 

And, most of all,

 

If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them go.

 

Hard, painful lessons, but I'm a better person for them.

[AT15]

if someone treats an ex gf/bf like trash during/after break up, they will more than likely treat you the same.

 

Love does not cheat and lie

 

I won't have to compromise my values

 

I won't need to give him more than one chance

 

Walk Away, do not stick around hoping for changes. I hurt myself so much sticking around

[Bromeo]

No contact.

 

Own your mistakes, but don't take the blame for everything.

 

Do not under any circumstances chase.

 

Be strong enough to walk away from someone who you love, but is hurting you.

 

Crystal clear, rock solid communication solves many problems, and prevents heartache.

 

Do not ignore red flags because you are infatuated.

 

And, most of all,

 

If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them go.

 

Hard, painful lessons, but I'm a better person for them.

 

And, maintain discipline, even when the heart feels like it will burst. This one took a minute to learn. I've faced down some rough situations, been stabbed, and never felt that pain.

[todreaminblue]

that people can have bad days.....people make mistakes......and not every bad day or mistake others make has anything to do with me....that because someone calls me a name....doesnt make it true.....i dont have to feel what they say.....or listen to people who put me down and let it hurt my heart.......i am not responsible for peoples perceptions of me if they are nasty.......maybe they just need some helium......and to leave me alone.....and i forgive people who break my heart.that will never change...doesnt make me retarded because i am kind......i have broken hearts....i hope they forgive me if i have broken theirs.....

 

i have learned you can be loving and happy...and people will still be mean......and just because they are doesnt mean i shouldnt be loving and happy...i should be me anyway...accepted or not........deb

[Arieswoman]

If someone cheats on you than that is their choice. It is not a reflection of you as a person.

 

If he* cheated on you to be with her then he will take all his baggage (including his rationale for thinking cheating is OK) into the relationship with her.

 

Usually his baggage will include insecurity, lack of control, a need for power over others, selfishness, a need to be validated, lack of empathy, entitlement issues and maybe issues from not getting childhood needs met.

 

^^These are complex issues and a relationship with her won't fix them.

 

She isn't a better woman, just a different woman.

 

 

 

Substitute "she" for "he", "her" for "him" etc. as appropriate.

[Altair0770]

A relationship is impossible without communication and trust

 

And the most important thing - how to identify red flags

[Jagged100]

That love is not enough. A relationship is work and if both parties aren't honest and respectful then its an impossible task. I also learned who really am and what I want in life.

[Bromeo]

A relationship is impossible without communication and trust

 

And the most important thing - how to identify red flags

 

Amen to that. I'll turn down a pretty face because of red flags in a heartbeat after what I went through. I'll never go through that again.

[airborne3502]

...things can change in an instant.

[Kitchen]

1. Trust your gut.

 

Can't stress that enough. The answer is within you. I've learned that while taking advice from others helps, nobody knows the situation as wholly and fully as I do. Had I trusted my gut, I'd be much better. I believe in relationships you form mental connections so powerful that it's almost like a sixth sense. You know what the other person wants and is thinking before they tell you. Use that as your guide.

 

2. Good persistence vs. bad persistence

 

As a male, I believe sometimes you have to persist or chase. It makes it more challenging and it's nature's way for the female to be selective, as she is really holding out for the strongest genes.

 

HOWEVER, going back to my first point. Your gut, heart, and intuition will guide you on whether or not she WANTS you to persist or not, whether or not she's worth it. Looking back I feel like a moron for chasing after someone who clearly lost interest. Rather, didn't have the depth to appreciate real love.

 

3. Some people are incapable of receiving love. They get scared away. It's not your fault. As long as you're not clingy or fake; feel free to show your love. If she doesn't reciprocate, or gets scared away, you should realize that it's because of her not you. She's just not deep enough to appreciate it. She wants a "badass" who doesn't give a ****.

 

I last dated a girl who was in a 4 year relationship with someone that died out maybe in year two, yet she held onto him since they were "best friends". She said he barely even took her out in the last two years. Never took her on a real date. Then I came into the picture, 1 year later. We went out for Valentine's day while dating, she said it was the best date (and one of the few), she's ever had.

 

Yet it didn't work out for us. She wanted to play the field. I was happy persisting (#2), yet as it turns out, she decided to hook up with a guy who by her own admission didn't take her out on a proper date. Just to his apartment...and they made out on his couch. Hmm, and this is the dude she is choosing over me? What happened to regretting not being taken out properly?

 

Really struggling with #3. But I guess as I said, she's incapable of appreciating love. I guess it's some sort of insecurity. She wants people who don't treat her right. It's not me, it's her. I just need to drill that into my head.

Edited April 6, 2017 by Kitchen

[Arieswoman]

kitchen #16,

 

Some people are incapable of receiving love. They get scared away. It's not your fault. As long as you're not clingy or fake; feel free to show your love. If she doesn't reciprocate, or gets scared away, you should realize that it's because of her not you. She's just not deep enough to appreciate it

 

^^^ this x 1000

 

As a famous UK author says;

 

"If you keep putting your bucket down a dry well, don't be surprised when it comes up empty"

[nowhereboy]

Don't let someone blame there bad behavior on you.

 

Don't base your own self worth on the opinion of one person.

 

Don't hang around once someone has lost respect for you.

[Truth-B-Told]

If you're causing the break, know what you're getting into.

Moving on isn't as easy as anyone makes it seem and you'll never be fully prepared for the pain you'll feel.

 

How you deal with a breakup will show you who you really are, and this goes for your ex too. If they find a rebound within a short time, then it says a lot about how little they truly may have cared, or they're just insecure and afraid of being alone.

 

Don't give up on yourself or new relationships. It might be hard to get up and dust yourself off, but if you don't, then you're only denying yourself an opportunity to find someone who deserves you.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. It's easy to feel guilty and angry with yourself for being foolish or screwing up, but moving on means more than just finding someone new. It means forgiving yourself first and accepting the person you can become.

 

Finally, it's not always the end. If you truly love your ex and you know there's no one else in the world you'd rather spend your days with, then change everything that went wrong the first time and show them the love they deserved. There's nothing wrong with admitting mistakes and trying again if the love is still obviously there for the both of you.

[LJayCoolade]

I've learned that i need to be happy with myself as a whole. Instead of trying to be with someone just because they make you happy. You should be happy with yourself and life before you make a commitment

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

I learn't a lot.. mostly because I had a lot to learn.

 

1) Don't base your self worth on someone's opinion of you, only every judge yourself

2) Don't let your happiness be dependent on anyone but yourself

3) Loving someone is not enough

4) Effective communication is key, do not hide your thoughts in fear of conflict

5) Trust your gut, it usually isn't far wrong.

6) And probably the biggest lesson... be careful whom you trust with your heart, because when it breaks.... it f**cking hurts more than anything imaginable.

[salparadise]

Moving on isn't as easy as anyone makes it seem and you'll never be fully prepared for the pain you'll feel.

 

How you deal with a breakup will show you who you really are, and this goes for your ex too. If they find a rebound within a short time, then it says a lot about how little they truly may have cared, or they're just insecure and afraid of being alone.

 

 

Yes. Yes. Yes. Sure rings true for me.

 

Never underestimate your own ability for self-delusion. Some people will create an illusion that you totally buy into, only to figure out that it was paper thin on one side while you were sure you'd found the real deal. It's embarrassing how naive we can be, even as older adults with quite a bit of experience. They make you think they're all-in and then poof! Over in an instant with one person hurting like hell and you position having been filled within a few weeks. It sucks.

[fiskadoro]

The most important thing I learned is that you cannot let it dribble out, you have to cut things off immediately. I also learned that texting is not of any substance, that real efforts come by telephone usually. I would like to add that I learned that one cannot live by any hard and fast rules, but I fear that all that anyone would get out of that statement was an escape clause from following N/C:D:D

 

Last year, a woman I dated ten years ago flew to the US (from Asia) to see me. THAT is real effort. A text in (what could and probably is) a moment of boredom, loneliness, or the sudden, overwhelming and stirring need for confirmation of one's ability to be loved is NOT what you want to respond to.

 

I have received many texts out of the blue from women who I dated or wanted to date, and I usually I respond. Never works out. Why? Because I was simply happy to receive some attention. I didn't qualify my response with a (polite and friendly but firm) "why are you contacting me, if you have something of substance to say please do, if not, please leave me in peace, with good memories of you." I now understand that any woman serious about me will ante up if she has something of substance. I had really believed that I had to take all comers unconditionally, just in case there was some residual love there!

 

At least I think I understand now~ Spring is here, let's see how I respond to the sexy ex's and time wasters who come a'knocking with the blooming of the flowers, hahaha.

[Maldives]

Do not blame ureself and beat ureself up;

 

Own the mistakes u made and see if u can identify a pattern in the behaviour and wether it's baggage u haven't dealt wth from the past. The pain will definatly do that highlight ur part in the demise of the relationship however do not put all the blame on ureself and realise that sometimes people leave for the most trivial reasons and may hav nothing to do wth u in the end. Like being bored and meeting someone else

 

Identify the red flags;

 

If u were blindsided in the relationship, infatuated or in love or watever the case may be and had a gut feeling but ignored the red Flags, use that wisdom and awareness for the next relationship ask lots of questions wen dating listen carefully wat they say and take heed if somethings off and if it's bad enough know to hav the strength early on to walk away rather than waste yrs of ur life working on something ur better off finding a better suited partner.

 

 

No contact;

 

Need i say more it works on many levels. I had big lessons around this nothing is gained or achieved contacting the ex at any point unless they make it clear they want to reconcile and they showill it wth action not just words.

 

If u do find someone better connected and suited go for it and don't wait;

 

This is the ultimate healer. I had this happen wen I separated from my ex wife but unfortunately it didn't blossom as she wasaid overseas and it was a lil complicated but my God did it make me forget my ex wife to the point she must of picked up on this and chased me.

 

Don't make any drastic or big decisions wen going thru heartache;

 

Speaks for itself.

 

Don't wish them happy birthday, happy ny's, merry xmas even if someone dies on there end NC;

 

 

Remember they ripped ur insides out there is no n3ed to be nice to this person or owe them anything.

[newheart]

I have had a different lesson from my last relationship ...

 

I've learned what it feels like to really love someone.

 

I've learned that I'm capable of loving someone.

 

I've learned that the best relationships are not those that have no conflict, but are those that have conflict that they are able to work through.

 

I've learned that it doesn't always just 'come together' as long as you love each other, because a relationship requires two engaged, actively participating partners willing to put the effort in.