julianna24 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Hi there, I'm looking for advice about a problem with my boyfriend and his best male friend. Not long ago, my boyfriend and I moved in together with his best friend John and his girlfriend. Shortly after that, the girlfriend broke up with John and moved out, so now it is just the three of us. My boyfriend and John have known each other for maybe 5 years now, and have been roommates before. The both have the same type of job, which requires them to work for 30-days straight, then be off for 30-days straight. Their schedules slightly overlap, so there is a week or so where it is just John and I, a few weeks of the three of us, and week or so with just my boyfriend and I. John and I have gotten along great, and the week with just us living here was fine. As soon as my boyfriend came back, however, it is like things have completely flipped. In the month my boyfriend was gone, he and I had barely gotten to speak, due to limited service out where he was working. As soon as my boyfriend walked through the door, before we barely had a chance to great each other, John kept nagging him to come join him outside for a beer, and then hogged his attention for the rest of the night. Ever since, this has been a reoccurring pattern. Before my boyfriend and I even get up in the morning, his friend is texting him from the other room asking him what they're going to do that day. Essentially, aside from the time we are in bed at night, I have not gotten a moment alone with my boyfriend, and after work in the evenings or during the weekends when we are trying to do something together, John often butts in and says something that directs my boyfriend's attention to him. I can understand that John is probably going through a difficult time right now with his breakup, but it feels like he is actively trying to put a wedge in my relationship with my boyfriend. He has started making hurtful comments about me, either as a joke (to everyone but me) or behind my back but within earshot. They are usually insulting my behavior/choices. Yesterday, for example, I needed to do homework rather than go downstairs and drink with them (him, "good, now we can actually enjoy it"). What's even more hurtful, is that this is also within earshot of my boyfriend, who doesn't even acknowledge it as not okay. So far, I have just ignored John's insults, and don't want to give him any satisfaction by reacting to them. Ideally, I'd want my boyfriend's friends and I to get along great, and with all of his other friends there are no problems. If someone doesn't like me, I could accept it, and would still try to at least act cordial. However, this situation is a little more complicated since we are also roommates, and I have to live with the guy "hogging" my boyfriend and throwing insults at me on a daily basis. For the first week or so, I let them do their thing, have their space and guy time without saying anything other than "have fun," or "sounds good, I'll see you tonight." However, after a week (plus the 30 days he was working) of basically not having spent any actual time with my boyfriend and an increase of negative comments from his friend, I finally took my boyfriend aside and talked to him about it. I told him that I feel like we aren't spending any time together, and it sucks, and that it feels like I practically need to be just as pushy with John to even get my boyfriend's attention (which, by the way, is exhausting and just made John try harder to spend time with my boyfriend without me). I also told him about the comments directed toward me, and that they were hurtful, and that it was hurtful my boyfriend didn't tell his friend to knock it off. My boyfriend replied that I was overreacting about the comments, and that his friend meant them jokingly. He said that we are going to spend time together (we planned a 3-day long trip later on this month), and that he didn't want to bug me while I've been working or studying for school. I took that to mean that realistically, we weren't going to spend any real time together for these 30 days home other than the trip. What's worse, is that I've been beginning to notice a slight change in my boyfriend's behavior to me as well. He sometimes laughs at or otherwise validates some of John's comments, and it feels as if he decided that my concerns I spoke to him about before were unwarranted. We have been together for a couple years now, and he has never treated me this way before. I love him a lot, and want to find some sort of healthy solution to this, if at all possible. I am not really sure what to do. On one hand, I want to be straight up with John and tell him to knock it off. On the other hand, I don't want that to somehow come back to haunt me, if the guy would tell my boyfriend about it in a way that would victimize himself. I also don't know what to do about my boyfriend. I feel hurt and disrespected that he hasn't taken more of an effort to stand up for or spend time with me, and disgusted that he is so easily convinced by everything his friend says. I know they have been friends for a long time, and I am not trying to interfere. I just want to spend some quality time with my boyfriend (who I barely get to see as it is!) and get John to keep his juvenile comments to himself. Any advice is appreciated! Thank you!
KBob Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 John is being a passive aggressive A-Hole, and you need to stand up for yourself. This will mean being very confrontational, and you should do it in front of your boyfriend, that will show him you're willing to take a stand and gain control of the situation. Next time John makes a comment, call him straight out on it by saying something like "do you have something you want to say to me, John? Or are you just going to keep making your little snotty comments like a five year old?". Be prepared for an argument with him, but don't back down, put him in his place. Even call out how much time he spends with your boyfriend and insinuate that maybe he's in love with him (doesn't hurt to be colorful with it). The more you go on the offensive the less he'll be able to attack you. That's how I would play it. And if your boyfriend sides with John in the argument, dump him, he doesn't respect you. I would never let one of my friends badmouth my girlfriend in front of me, that's crossing a line. And after your argument with John (if he doesn't side with him but stays quiet), you most likely will need to do the unfortunate business of ultimatums, because him downplaying your concerns is not respectful to you.
hercules22 Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 i know this aint helping but that got me curious what sort of work is that 30 days on then 30 days off
anna121 Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 You need to rethink your living arrangements. I would never live with my SO and a third person who was making my life difficult. Either John goes or you do. Your BF's reaction would be a deal-breaker for me.
anduina Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 What's worse, is that I've been beginning to notice a slight change in my boyfriend's behavior to me as well. He sometimes laughs at or otherwise validates some of John's comments, and it feels as if he decided that my concerns I spoke to him about before were unwarranted. We have been together for a couple years now, and he has never treated me this way before. I love him a lot, and want to find some sort of healthy solution to this, if at all possible.This is the worst part since dealing with John can be addressed as a team. Since your boyfriend's supporting John, it might be time for you to move out and leave them to their bromance.
generic.username Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 I'm a huge fan of clear, calm, direct communication. I'd address the situation directly with John. The next time he makes a passive-aggressive comment about you (these remarks are obviously not jokes), let him know how it makes you feel. "John, when you make 'jokes' like that, it makes me feel insulted and demeaned. I'm asking you kindly to refrain from making such comments in the future." Keep it simple, keep it focused on how his behavior makes you feel, make a clear request that can't be misunderstood. If he tries to push the emotional burden back onto you, ("it's just a joke! You're so sensitive!") calmly reiterate your request. "You may view your comments as jokes, but they're hurtful and undermining. I'm asking you please to stop." Don't get pulled into a JADE situation (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining). You're asking clearly for an end to this behavior, full stop. I'd do the same with the boyfriend-hogging. Make it clear that you'd like some time alone with your boyfriend, state your needs calmly, clearly, and unequivocally. Express sympathy and understanding for his recent breakup & need for friend time, if you'd like, but don't underplay or sacrifice your very real needs for his. If the behavior does not significantly change, I'd consider a change in living situation. I also encourage another conversation with the boyfriend, in which you let him know exactly what effects John's comments have on you, and how his silence compounds those feelings. Good luck!
preraph Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 You have to face reality. The problem is your boyfriend. You see it as the friend leading the campaign against you. I see it as your boyfriend led it and his friend is following. I see it as his friend taking the fall and blame for that your boyfriend wants to do. The friend brings it up because the boyfriend thinks this makes it less his fault, but he clearly has no objection to the friend doing this and saying things, and that's because he does them but just not to your face. Your boyfriend wants to go out with the friend so he has the friend bring it up and this is how they've always worked it. Your boyfriend is the mirror of his friend. 1
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