arsenalfan77 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Back in January I posted about a vile woman who broke my heart in more ways than I care to relive. Without getting into details, she lied about her ex, continued to see him, gas lighted me, and continuosly ghosted me for no reason. I truly believe she is BPD. Anyhow, after no contact with her for 4 months, she returned last month. Again, she began with all the sweet talk and told me how much she missed and loved me. She denied ever going back to her ex. Things were good for about a week and then......GONE. She text me a week later, claiming how it was my fault, I asked too many questions and couldn't deal with it. Yet, I saw her that night and we had sex in my car. She then told me she was leaving town for two weeks to see family. Long story short, I know she left with her ex for his birthday. I know she's been back but she hasn't responded to any of my messages. My question is, should I tell him about me? I have his number, and I feel like sending him pics of her and I, along with screen shots of all our conversations proving she was with me 2 days before they left for his birthday. I just feel that it's unfair that she gets away with this ****. This woman purposely broke my heart and lied to me for a long time. I know she is no good for me, and that I could never trust her, so why not reveal her for all that she's done? They have been together on and off for 10 years, and I'm sure he has dealt with this before, I just really want to teach her a lesson. What should I do? Should I let it go, or exact revenge in hopes it will make me feel better? I can't believe I haven't blocked her already. I'm so embarrassed that I let a woman of her caliber affect me in the way she has. my first post titled "why do I miss her so much" explains more. I just want to know what I should do in regards to this revenge plot. Thank you.
airborne3502 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 She will get what's coming to her eventually. 2
Author arsenalfan77 Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 Thanks, airborne. That makes sense.
Hoosfoos Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 He's already in big trouble if she's in his life. Grab some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show. 2
todreaminblue Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) dont do anything ....but feel sorry for them is my motto people like this will face consequences .i wince for them ...when peopel reallyhurt me...i wince ...actually wince....hoping they are sorry ..every tear i cry ....i forgive......i wont forget.....i cant.....but i dont bring up when i forgive them ...when they say sorry....its gone from conversation....... far beyond what you could ever do people like this will one day.... face ...heartache and pain more than what they gave you........people like this...never prosper and have joy...you go ...find joy....not revenge..feel sadness for them ..they will never find what you can if they continue on their path..they will never have what you can have...if you forgive them...and go...heal yourself as you travel..........be hopeful....and find joy...deb Edited April 5, 2017 by todreaminblue 2
Author arsenalfan77 Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 Thank you for the advice. I'm torn between just walking away and at least letting her know what a terrible person she is and that I know the truth. I want to tell her that she will never find someone who will love her the way I foolishly did. But the truth is that in order to hurt someone, they first have to care, which she clearly doesn't. I'm finding it hard to be mature. I have the power to cause so much turmoil in her life right now. They say karma never forgets, but I don't feel I will be satisfied if I don't personally witness her downfall. 1
todreaminblue Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Thank you for the advice. I'm torn between just walking away and at least letting her know what a terrible person she is and that I know the truth. I want to tell her that she will never find someone who will love her the way I foolishly did. But the truth is that in order to hurt someone, they first have to care, which she clearly doesn't. I'm finding it hard to be mature. I have the power to cause so much turmoil in her life right now. They say karma never forgets, but I don't feel I will be satisfied if I don't personally witness her downfall. let me help you change your heart have you ever fallen?
todreaminblue Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 (edited) fallen how? in love? nope made a really bad mistake and fallen .....like understood how wrong you were.....or had to face consequences of your actions or something you said........have you ever faced karma yourself...fallen that way..... the last thign you need when you are in a fallen state in any way ...is to be kicked while you are down , jeered at or ridiculed for failing.....imagine you were in her shoes feeling fallen.....and its a bitch to understand ...when you are remorseful is normally when you face consequences of your actions....when you are broken...in other words..... do you still feel looking at a broken person who feels real pain...will make you feel any better.....or will you actually know....hey she is hurt...crap she looks horrible......she must really feel it ........she has paid for what she has done...i dont feel so vengeful anymore...i just want to move on...i dont want her to be broken now.....i dont want to kick her int eh head or jeer at her............do you feel wishing pain on another lessens any pain you feel...it actually makes that pain ...more pronounced...we all sin.....we are all fallen.....never kick anyoen in the head when they are down..its cruel...and not good for your own mental helath..you become colder....everytime you appreciate pain in others..do you wish to be cold hearted....or a loving genuine caring human being....worthy of true love......let it go ....you dont need the pain yourself.......forgive but you dont have to forget...its experience.....good or bad....you have grown.....but dont seek revenge...or dig two graves....the biggest one for you...revenge is poison....change your mindset your heart will change too.....deb Edited April 6, 2017 by todreaminblue
Cornelius_Smiff Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 (edited) nope made a really bad mistake and fallen .....like understood how wrong you were.....or had to face consequences of your actions or something you said........have you ever faced karma yourself...fallen that way..... the last thign you need when you are in a fallen state in any way ...is to be kicked while you are down , jeered at or ridiculed for failing.....imagine you were in her shoes feeling fallen.....and its a bitch to understand ...when you are remorseful is normally when you face consequences of your actions....when you are broken...in other words..... do you still feel looking at a broken person who feels real pain...will make you feel any better.....or will you actually know....hey she is hurt...crap she looks horrible......she must really feel it ........she has paid for what she has done...i dont feel so vengeful anymore...i just want to move on...i dont want her to be broken now.....i dont want to kick her int eh head or jeer at her............do you feel wishing pain on another lessens any pain you feel...it actually makes that pain ...more pronounced...we all sin.....we are all fallen.....never kick anyoen in the head when they are down..its cruel...and not good for your own mental helath..you become colder....everytime you appreciate pain in others..do you wish to be cold hearted....or a loving genuine caring human being....worthy of true love......let it go ....you dont need the pain yourself.......forgive but you dont have to forget...its experience.....good or bad....you have grown.....but dont seek revenge...or dig two graves....the biggest one for you...revenge is poison....change your mindset your heart will change too.....deb This is one of the best posts I have seen for a while and it's totally on the money. ArsenalFan you need to think about it in terms of your own well being bro.. My ex of 5 years (who I loved with all my heart) cheated on with and left me for a mutual online gaming friend. She seemed totally remorseless and actually said some pretty horrible things about me afterwards. The biggest factor alongside no contact that has helped me begin to heal myself, is not giving into that darkness, not embracing hate, bitter feelings or the quest for revenge. Harbouring hatred is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I don't hate my ex or even the guy left me for, I actually feel pity them both. Her because she did not grow at all from ending this relationship with me and was very cowardly. The cycle will continue for her when this relationship fails. And him because he was easily seduced by her and failed to notice any of the red flags. Fundamentally, I loved her and still do. I love her enough that I want her to be happy but I also respect myself enough that I will not allow what they did to define my happiness or my opinion of myself. When you look to seek revenge, give into bitterness or wish terrible things upon them, you are allowing them to live rent free inside your head. This only holds you back from the important parts of healing which are worrying about only yourself, being kind to yourself and embracing as much positivity as you can. Don't get me wrong, even the best of us get bitter (I still do) but the trick is about owning that bitterness and not letting it own you. Sometimes we cannot control how we feel, but we can certainly control how we react to it. Don't let the darkness take you, in many ways by not embracing it, you are showing you are a better person and that you can rise above their BS. Edited April 6, 2017 by Cornelius_Smiff 1
CC1985 Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Arsenalfan, I'm not sure whether you've seen much of my posts with my current situation, but I talk about being in a 4 year relationship with a girl I still (as does her ex who I spoke to regarding my ex step son) believe was BPD. Long story short, I was amazing, untouchable then came the taunts, rumours about other men, police trouble, nearly losing access to my son. It is almost a year since she walked out for the final time (final because I stopped her coming back this time). I begged and pleaded initially as she was threatening to move on with another man but she went ahead and destroyed me. When I started to move on with my current gf (well x atm), she suddenly started begging me realising I was moving on. Since then she has had 4 or 5 men come into her life (and my sons) and she is single again now. I blame my 4 years with such an emotionally abusive person as the reason for my insecurities that have caused the breakdown of my current relationship. The funniest thing, well sadistically funny, is that now she has caught wind of my current plight she is begging me for a chance, telling me how she should've listened and how I was right and still the best thing she's ever had etc etc. As much as I would love to give my son the "ideal family" with her, I know that if I even contemplated going back th same vicious circle would happen and ultimately I would either end up ill, in prison or without the freedom to have my son whenever I want and have a successful career. Karma does come round and show it's face in funny ways, stay strong as being involved with someone with BPD is one h*ll of a rollercoaster!
Author arsenalfan77 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 Thank you, deb and cornelius. I know you guys are right. Of course I have fallen before. I've done things I deeply regret, but I was honest about my mistakes and held myself accountable. This woman refuses to acknowledge what she did was wrong. The disappearing out of nowhere and not responding is what KILLS ME! I know she's with him. I wish she would at least say "hey, I can't do this anymore" I would be ok with that. I know I should just walk away, but it doesn't seem fair because she has NOT fallen, deb. She is not down. She is carrying on like nothing is wrong. She isn't suffering any consequences. Just doesn't sit well with me. I don't know how i could even love her after what she's done, but i do. I know there are many issues she has. The pill popping, low self esteem, her bf of 9 years that she can't break away from because he makes her feel like nothing without him, and on and on. She lied about being broken up with him. I should have walked away long ago, but i fell hard for her. She sold me a dream and i bought in. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Yet, I saw her that night and we had sex in my car -- You had sex with a vile woman who is still seeing her ex and and lied to you and gaslighted you and you're in love with her?????? Her relationship with her ex has been on and off for 10 years and basically, you are allowing the same thing to happen between you and her. History repeating itself. She and her ex have a "doormat" relationship and full of drama. Given that's been going on for 10 years, do you want to find yourself on that road too???? End this now and get really focused on YOU and YOUR life and go no contact with her FOREVER. 2
Zahara Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Thank you, deb and cornelius. I know you guys are right. Of course I have fallen before. I've done things I deeply regret, but I was honest about my mistakes and held myself accountable. This woman refuses to acknowledge what she did was wrong. The disappearing out of nowhere and not responding is what KILLS ME! I know she's with him. I wish she would at least say "hey, I can't do this anymore" I would be ok with that. Why is this surprising to you though? You note she is a vile woman. Why do you then think she's going to suddenly have a conscience and do the right thing by you? At some point you need to take accountability for where you are and the sooner you do that, the faster you let go. You have these lofty expectations of someone that has time and time again let you down. In that sense, you're grasping so tightly onto what you want her to be rather than accepting who she truly is. Why can't you set yourself free knowing the type of woman she is? Why are you waiting for her to release you? I know I should just walk away, but it doesn't seem fair because she has NOT fallen, deb. She is not down. She is carrying on like nothing is wrong. She isn't suffering any consequences. Just doesn't sit well with me. I don't know how i could even love her after what she's done, but i do. I know there are many issues she has. The pill popping, low self esteem, her bf of 9 years that she can't break away from because he makes her feel like nothing without him, and on and on. She lied about being broken up with him. I should have walked away long ago, but i fell hard for her. She sold me a dream and i bought in. If you're going to sit there and wait for someone who wronged you to fall, you'll be investing too much of your life waiting in futility. Turn that around and focus that energy on rising up. I bet if she came around today, you'd gladly run back and jump into that same dysfunctional cycle. Your ego is bruised because she didn't choose you. Realize who you're dealing with realistically. Maybe then you'll realize that this is a blessing rather than a curse. 1
Author arsenalfan77 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 wow, cc1985! I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. I know I should stay away. My heart is just having trouble accepting what my head already knows.
Author arsenalfan77 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 IDK what it is about her, redhead. I'm having trouble pinpointing the exact reason that i am so sad. Did I really love her? was it the sex? Was it the fact that she made me believe she was perfect for me at one point? I'm less than a month away from turning 40, and I fear that I won't find someone that I had that chemistry with when we first met. I've gone on several dates in the past few months (when she was gone) but all it did was make me miss her more
Author arsenalfan77 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 you're right, Zahara. I WOULD go running back at this point. since her return last month, we only communicate via facebook messenger. we are not friends on fb, we just message eachother through there, and i know it's because she doesn't want her bf or ex or whatever he is to look through her phone. I want to block her in case she contacts me again, but i fear that will make me look weak.
stillafool Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Blocking her will not make you look weak but strong enough to let her go. If anything she will respect you for it. Most importantly it will give you a chance to cut this cancer out of your life and heal. Until you really make it up in your mind to let her go and act upon it you will continue to be in pain. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Blocking her is the strongest thing you can do. It's a definitive line: You are done. Responding to her & having sex with her makes you weak not walking away. Do not reach out to her BF. He won't believe you anyway. He will simply think it's sour grapes on your part. Walk away. Focus on you. Heal. Never look back. 2
Zahara Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 you're right, Zahara. I WOULD go running back at this point. since her return last month, we only communicate via facebook messenger. we are not friends on fb, we just message eachother through there, and i know it's because she doesn't want her bf or ex or whatever he is to look through her phone. I want to block her in case she contacts me again, but i fear that will make me look weak. There is nothing weak about prioritizing your emotional and mental wellbeing. It takes courage to take that first step. What's weak is allowing someone to continuously run you through the mill and do absolutely nothing about it. 3
Author arsenalfan77 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 you know what it is, zahara? I'm waiting for her to reach out so that I can ignore her. I want her to feel what I have felt. She told me she would call me when she got back, and I haven't heard anything. I even sent her a message asking her to let me know she made it back safe....nothing. If i block her, she will know that i did it out of anger. she will think i'm being petty. I want her to feel rejection. or maybe I'm fooling myself, because most likely I will let her reel me in again if i don't cut all contact immediately. I truly hate myself right now.
Zahara Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 you know what it is, zahara? I'm waiting for her to reach out so that I can ignore her. I want her to feel what I have felt. She told me she would call me when she got back, and I haven't heard anything. I even sent her a message asking her to let me know she made it back safe....nothing. If i block her, she will know that i did it out of anger. she will think i'm being petty. I want her to feel rejection. or maybe I'm fooling myself, because most likely I will let her reel me in again if i don't cut all contact immediately. I truly hate myself right now. Unfortunately, she won't feel what you feel. You're projecting and thinking that she has the same emotional capacity that you have and I'm here to tell you that she does not care. The most you will do is bruise her ego but she'll snap right back up and continue like nothing ever happened. Again, self-preservation is about loving yourself enough to protect yourself from having someone step all over you. Sitting there and placing all your energy on creating some sort of impression on her is you still prioritizing her. Sounds like you see very little value in yourself. Maybe you need to get knocked over the head a few more times by her before you learn. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. I think you're still looking for validation and acceptance from her. As you said, you WOULD go back to her if she let you. In that sense, maybe you're not really ready to let go -- that's why you keep finding excuses to keep yourself open to her contact. Maybe there is a huge part of you that's still hopeful and maybe you want to be reeled in again.
Author arsenalfan77 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 you're 100 percent right, Zahara. As much as it pains me to admit it. This cycle will never end. All i'm doing is making excuses. I know this woman is bad for me in every possible way. I have 2 beautiful girls whom she could never be a good example to, and my oldest (16) has seen the misery I've gone through because of this awful person. I just blocked her. I can't go on like this. The things she's done and the way she played with my heart is deplorable. I've always been good with women. Not to boast, but I have a lot of good qualities and have a lot to offer. My fear isn't not finding someone, its not finding someone to share the same passion and chemistry I had with her (in the beginning). I will never truly heal as long as she's around. time to move on. Thank you for giving it to me straight. I appreciate your words more than you know.
Zahara Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 (edited) I have 2 beautiful girls whom she could never be a good example to, and my oldest (16) has seen the misery I've gone through because of this awful person. Imagine if something like this was happening to one of your daughters. What would you tell her? Apply that same advice to yourself. The last thing she should be seeing is that a relationship entails such dysfunction. It's teaching her that this type of behavior by your ex is acceptable. My fear isn't not finding someone, its not finding someone to share the same passion and chemistry I had with her (in the beginning). I will never truly heal as long as she's around. time to move on. That "beginning" passion and chemistry you had with her is superficial and shallow. What happens when the honeymoon stage is over is what's important. That's when you get to see what someone is made of and that's when you get to see the depth and value in what you have with that someone. People are often presenting the shiny side of themselves at first. It's all fun and exciting. Then when that wears off and they show you who they really are, reality kicks in. Edited April 6, 2017 by Zahara
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