gbpack Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Been dating a girl for 3 and half years now. It has always been off and on. She says she wants to get married and in my gut I just don't think I can do it. I think she is in it for the money and wants the security. Doesn't love me for who I am. I am 31 years old and never been married. No kids but she does have 1 kid 8 years old. Now, I am not rich by any means but I am middle class and save my money well. Examples of a few red flags: 1. Been divorced twice already before the age of 30. First Marriage lasted 1 year and second marriage lasted 2 years. All the blame goes on the guys of course. She is now 35. I said, you want to get married, were signing a prenup. I think I have every right to that because of her being divorced twice. She says, I cant believe you would think of me like that. I said, if it isn't about the money, it wouldn't be a big deal. 2. We have been looking for a house for awhile now to buy. She wants to also be on the loan and I said no because we are not married. Plus, she has no money saved up and i would be footing the entire down payment. If I ended up putting her on the loan with me, then she breaks up with me, she would get half the equity in the house. Im not stupid. There is more red flags but I think i just need to end it. Thoughts?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Been dating a girl for 3 and half years now. It has always been off and on. She says she wants to get married and in my gut I just don't think I can do it. I think she is in it for the money and wants the security. Doesn't love me for who I am. I am 31 years old and never been married. No kids but she does have 1 kid 8 years old. Now, I am not rich by any means but I am middle class and save my money well. Examples of a few red flags: 1. Been divorced twice already before the age of 30. First Marriage lasted 1 year and second marriage lasted 2 years. All the blame goes on the guys of course. She is now 35. I said, you want to get married, were signing a prenup. I think I have every right to that because of her being divorced twice. She says, I cant believe you would think of me like that. I said, if it isn't about the money, it wouldn't be a big deal. 2. We have been looking for a house for awhile now to buy. She wants to also be on the loan and I said no because we are not married. Plus, she has no money saved up and i would be footing the entire down payment. If I ended up putting her on the loan with me, then she breaks up with me, she would get half the equity in the house. Im not stupid. There is more red flags but I think i just need to end it. Thoughts? The ONLY positive thing is that you two have been together 3.5 years and that is likely not continuously, right?! DO NOT POP THE QUESTION. YOU KNOW WELL ENOUGH THAT THIS IS NOT THE WOMAN FOR YOU. 7
olivetree Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) You should end it. A relationship needs trust to survive and you clearly don't trust her motives for wanting to marry you. Plus, there is no mention of love in there anywhere. Edited April 5, 2017 by olivetree 8
RecentChange Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 . It has always been off and on. Red flag #1 (and probably one of the biggest in my book). Why off and on? Are you two not able to work through conflicts TOGETHER as a unit? Is your love not strong enough to try everything to make it work? Why are you able to walk away from each other? Off and on screams luke warm connection, and poor communication / coping / conflict resolution skills to me. Doesn't love me for who I am. Red flag #2 and reason enough to NEVER consider marriage to this person. 1. Been divorced twice already before the age of 30. Red flag # 3 - shows poor choices, twice now she has said "yes this one forever! - Whoops never mind". 3rd Marriages have a 75+% failure rate, the odds are really stacked against them actually working out. 2. We have been looking for a house for awhile now to buy. She wants to also be on the loan and I said no because we are not married. Plus, she has no money saved up and i would be footing the entire down payment. If I ended up putting her on the loan with me, then she breaks up with me, she would get half the equity in the house. Im not stupid. Red Flag #4 This is about money - if you two were to stay together for THE REST OF YOUR LIVES. Because that is what marriage should be, this wouldn't be an issue. But you know divorce is EXTREMELY likely if you were to marry this woman - so yes, prenup, not on the loan, not on the deed, and she should sign away any rights to you regarding the house. But really, you have SO many reasons NOT to marry this lady. Again, 25% at best of 3rd marriages make it for the long haul. You know this won't be one of them. 7
SoThatHappened Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 You can get over someone's past, but that doesn't mean you don't have to be wary about it. I agree with RecentChange - lots of red flags, and you're not even sure anyway. I'd gracefully walk away from this one. Too many great women out there. 1
Simple Logic Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Been dating a girl for 3 and half years now. It has always been off and on. She says she wants to get married and in my gut I just don't think I can do it. I think she is in it for the money and wants the security. Doesn't love me for who I am. I am 31 years old and never been married. No kids but she does have 1 kid 8 years old. Now, I am not rich by any means but I am middle class and save my money well. Examples of a few red flags: 1. Been divorced twice already before the age of 30. First Marriage lasted 1 year and second marriage lasted 2 years. All the blame goes on the guys of course. She is now 35. I said, you want to get married, were signing a prenup. I think I have every right to that because of her being divorced twice. She says, I cant believe you would think of me like that. I said, if it isn't about the money, it wouldn't be a big deal. 2. We have been looking for a house for awhile now to buy. She wants to also be on the loan and I said no because we are not married. Plus, she has no money saved up and i would be footing the entire down payment. If I ended up putting her on the loan with me, then she breaks up with me, she would get half the equity in the house. Im not stupid. There is more red flags but I think i just need to end it. Thoughts? I am pretty certain if you are torn between marriage and ending it, that is a red flag. 4
Kitchen Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Just end it, even if you're not 100% sure you want to end it. You're 31 and male. She's 35 female with a kid and no money, and twice divorced. It's likely you can do better and likely she can't. Go date others and if you want to come back to this one it's likely she'll take you back no matter when. 2
Popsicle Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Thoughts? Yes. You had no business ever dating her and just used her. Yes, you used her. I'm sure you thought all of these things about her from day one. Yes end it and don't ever start dating a woman like her again. It's not what you want. 1
Sara1989 Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 What has she actually done to make you think shes after your money? considering your not rich. If I moved in with someone I would want my name on the house, that does not make her a gold digger but someone with a child who needs an secure home. Tbh, it sounds like you have no trust in this woman so end it.
Chilli Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Few things going on l reckon. But above all else , you don't have to ask anyone if you should marry someone,you'll know loud and clear and you won't give a rats what someone else thinks. So that tells ya right there whatever you do don't marry her or you'll just find out the hard way later that your instincts were right after all. Bu then you don't even trust her, she's married twice by 30, yet pushing marriage again, older than you, broke,kid, ahh, good luck with that . !
Redhead14 Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 It took you 3 years to realize that this woman is not a suitable marriage partner? You didn't say one single thing that indicates that you two even love each other let alone are bringing at least more equal contribution to the table. I can "hear" very negative attitude in your post. I don't understand why you stayed in this relationship for 3 years if your dating goals included marriage. Your post drips of disdain for her and your description of her attitude sounds very dry and unemotional. I totally understand why you would be hesitant. Just end this now and start moving forward with your life instead of being in a dry, business arrangement which has no potential for success even on that level. 1
Shining One Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 There is more red flags but I think i just need to end it. Thoughts?Yes, it's time to end this one. Your relationship goals have diverged, if they were even aligned to begin with. How recently did the marriage topic come up? What were your long term plans with this woman (if any)? Yes. You had no business ever dating her and just used her. Yes, you used her. I'm sure you thought all of these things about her from day one. Yes end it and don't ever start dating a woman like her again. It's not what you want.I'm failing to see how the OP used her, unless he was deceitful in his intent. People are allowed to date without marriage as their ultimate end goal. What has she actually done to make you think shes after your money? considering your not rich. If I moved in with someone I would want my name on the house, that does not make her a gold digger but someone with a child who needs an secure home.One does not need to be rich in order for someone to want to take money from them. She is asking for 50% equity in a house with no financial investment of her own and she is averse to a prenup. I can't think of any reason to be against a prenup other than "I want your stuff". 1
Author gbpack Posted April 6, 2017 Author Posted April 6, 2017 "Yes, it's time to end this one. Your relationship goals have diverged, if they were even aligned to begin with. How recently did the marriage topic come up? What were your long term plans with this woman (if any)?" The Marriage topic came up pretty soon in the relationship about 10-12 months in. She really pushed it. It just came off as desperate to me especially since she has already been divorced twice before.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 "Yes, it's time to end this one. Your relationship goals have diverged, if they were even aligned to begin with. How recently did the marriage topic come up? What were your long term plans with this woman (if any)?" The Marriage topic came up pretty soon in the relationship about 10-12 months in. She really pushed it. It just came off as desperate to me especially since she has already been divorced twice before. I stand by my original post, but is 10-12 months too soon? I guess if you factor in that she has been divorced 2x already...ugh.
OnlyHonesty Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Always listen to your gut instincts. A friend of mine did not and his life is now ruined. I warned him, I pointed out his clear gut instincts but he ignored everything. Years later he comes up to me saying he wished he listened to me. Don't be that guy.
Author gbpack Posted April 7, 2017 Author Posted April 7, 2017 Update: I ended things with her last night. It is still going to be very tough for me but I know it is the right choice. I am very close with her 8 year old boy so I think that will be the tough part for me. He isn't my biological son so I wont be able to see him again.
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