9 years together. Is it over for good?

[Peter Biggles]

2 weeks ago my girlfriend broke up with me. We'd been together for almost 9 years. She said she didn't know what she wanted, so I took her home, and she went to her parents. I'm 26, she's 22.

 

2 days later we meet up, and we agree to work things out, and she comes back to mine.

 

On Saturday I came home at 5pm, waiting for her to come home. She text me to get us a pizza and she'd be right up. During the time she was driving, my sister phones me to tell me that my girlfriend had cheated on me. When she got home, I sat her down, and got her to admit everything. She slept with someone - Supposedly only once, and she wasn't speaking to him anymore. Apparently it was a mistake when she was drunk.

I was obviously destroyed, so I made her take her things and leave.

 

The next morning I realised that this stupid thing she had done was forgivable, and maybe we could repair the relationship. I told her this, but she cried her eyes out telling me that, "I don't know what I want. I love you, but I can't forgive myself for this." I asked her if she was still in contact with him, and she promised me that she was not. I told her I would forgive her, and take her back. She said she needed a little while to get over her emotions. I agreed.

 

Well today, after we'd be messaging loads for the last 24 hours, something seemed strange. Her Snapchat score was FLYING up. She doesn't send that many snaps normally. I managed to get into her account... Turns out she's still in contact with him. I don't know if she's seen him or not, but she swears she hasn't. I took what was left of hers in my house to her, and told her to decide what she wants right now. She said she doesn't know. I told her to decide if she wants me right now, and that she won't contact him again, or I'm walking away. She said she didn't know what she wanted. I walked away.

 

I sent her a few angry messages. Something along the lines of " I hope you're proud of yourself, you are a liar and a cheat. I DO NOT love you, and when I said I forgave you, I take it all back. I HATE YOU."

 

 

We've been together for 9 years, and she's always seemed happy; we have both always been happy. Until recently, she started acting weird. This has been since she met some new friends that take her our partying. She never used to do this. I guess I know why she's been acting weird now.

 

I'm sure she will regret what she has done soon, and I guess I'm wondering if when that time comes, should I take her back? Is there any hope in this massive mess of a relationship? If I don't contact her, will she probably just be with this other guy? I am going to try no contact for however long it takes until she contacts me, if she ever does. I definitely hurt her with what I said earlier. I sent her a video of me burning a wooden heart with her name on it that she wrote, "I love you" on the back of. We've both had one of these hearts for ages.

 

What do I do here? I told her I don't love her, but of course I still do; i just can't accept the lies about her being in contact with this man, and I have no idea if she's seen him more than once. She promises that it was just once, but given her current track record, how can I believe this?

[Simple Logic]

She has dated you since she was 13. That is way to young and she is trying to figure out what she has missed in life.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry OP, but I agree with Simple Logic.

 

She was way too young to have stayed in a such a serious relationship for so long. I would say the same for you too, actually.

 

She outgrew the relationship and unfortunately, took the dishonest way out. It appears she was with you out of habit rather than truly being in love.

 

Your best bet would be to focus on beginning a new chapter without her. You two were childhood loves, but you've both grown up and she in particular is too inexperienced to commit to you forever.

Edited April 6, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[hercules22]

this is why i dont bother with girls that are alot younger then me its asking for trouble

[monnieloves]

Been there. Done that. Going through breakups hurt. We say and do things we wouldn't ordinarily say or do. Our emotions are completely unpredictable. A friend of mine once said 'people will show you who they are not by what they say but by what they do' It crushed me to realize this truth. You sound like someone trustworthy and kind. I believe you will find happiness. A great place to meet new people is in a single's group at a local church. I hope this helps.

[Peter Biggles]

I need more advice on this. I'm so confused.

 

She told me that she wants space etc, says she still loves me, but doesn't want me to wait for fear she could never forgive herself. I told her that if she truly loves me, then I will wait. Again she says that she does love me, but she doesn't know how long it will take, to which I told her I will wait however long it takes.

 

I went out last night and told her that I went to a girls house, but left straight away and nothing happened. She seemed concerned, but didn't say too much.

She swears blind that there is nothing going on with anybody else, and the reason we're not together is that she can't forgive herself for what she's done.

 

We're possibly going to hang out on Sunday. Am I going about this wrong, does anybody think there is still hope?

 

 

And I hear you with the too young stuff, but I don't believe that's true. If you love someone, and you've spent 9 happy years together, then it shouldn't matter. It doesn't to me.

[Spring23]

I need more advice on this. I'm so confused.

 

She told me that she wants space etc, says she still loves me, but doesn't want me to wait for fear she could never forgive herself. I told her that if she truly loves me, then I will wait. Again she says that she does love me, but she doesn't know how long it will take, to which I told her I will wait however long it takes.

 

I went out last night and told her that I went to a girls house, but left straight away and nothing happened. She seemed concerned, but didn't say too much.

She swears blind that there is nothing going on with anybody else, and the reason we're not together is that she can't forgive herself for what she's done.

 

We're possibly going to hang out on Sunday. Am I going about this wrong, does anybody think there is still hope?

 

 

And I hear you with the too young stuff, but I don't believe that's true. If you love someone, and you've spent 9 happy years together, then it shouldn't matter. It doesn't to me.

 

Sure there is hope. You might one day marry. But right now I get the feeling she wants to see what it's like to date other guys. And she will probably do this for a couple of years. When she's your age she will be ready to settle down.

[Peter Biggles]

I just don't get how we've gone from looking at houses, talking about having kids and stuff a month ago, to this. It's the damn worst thing ever, and if I don't get her back I am seriously considering just ending it all...

[Spring23]

I just don't get how we've gone from looking at houses, talking about having kids and stuff a month ago, to this. It's the damn worst thing ever, and if I don't get her back I am seriously considering just ending it all...

 

I know you feel confused and heartbroken right now. Like I said you might end up marrying her. If you are feeling very VERY depressed right now you might need to call 911 and go to the hospital.

[Peter Biggles]

I know you feel confused and heartbroken right now. Like I said you might end up marrying her. If you are feeling very VERY depressed right now you might need to call 911 and go to the hospital.

 

They can't fix this. There's only one thing that will fix it, and I'm scared that it won't come. I bought a rope

[Pumpingiron34]

Ugh, dam dude I empathize with your pain so much. I was in a very similar position we started dateing young and once she hit 21 she left me for the dead. Went haywire hooking up with guys and going basically nuts. She just became obsessed with what her friends were doing and wanted to go party with them. I'm honestly still messed up from it. BECAUSE LIKE WHAT THE LITERAL **** YOU DAM IDIOIT THANKS FOR WASTEING 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE. I to honestly thought of ending my life, I mean I never went and bought the rope but, **** i laid there at night and thought of every possible way to end my life quick for months. It's been one solid year as of this month since we ended and she's with some new victim. I still absolutely miss her but, the pain has subsided greatly. I rarely feel any at this point. Just some low moments where I'm like holy **** she's really gone. It even feels almost freeing sometimes and then others it hurts. And I loved her a dam lot, she was physically beautiful unfortunately not mentally. I'm not gunna lie dude it's going to be a painful painnnnnful experience but you will make it and I need you to because other people fighting the great fight inspires others to keep fighting. If you fight through you will inspire those around you and build a much stronger version of your self. The only thing I can tell you that helps is telling your self to have faith that it will all work out. Just let go accept the situation and have faith. Optimism is the glass half full or half empty. Is your life over because she left or has it just started. It has just started and a wise man once told me a relationship doesent determine a mans destiny. I need you to fight with me, I can't do this alone either.

[ExpatInItaly]

They can't fix this. There's only one thing that will fix it, and I'm scared that it won't come. I bought a rope

 

You need to speak to your family immediately.

 

Don't do something like this to them, if not for yourself.

[Peter Biggles]

Thanks everyone. I'll see her Sunday, hopefully. I'll try my damn hardest to make her see what she fell in love with. I'll get back to you all of it turns out well.

 

Thank you.