Anathema Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 I am in a relationship for one and a half year, and yesterday my boyfriend told me that he loves me less. I was pushing him for the whole week to verbalize what's happening with him, cause he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. So yesterday he was again so confused, but the main points were that he feels less love, wants to spend time more alone, is not completely sure that he will be there for me in the future, and doesn't want to waste time. I was crying insanely a lot, completely humiliated myself. He told that he still loves me and wants to work on it. At some point when I got poker face and started saying that maybe we should better split up, then he was insisting that we should be together. When I got home he sent the message that he still loves me and wants to work on the relationship and is sorry that he hurt my feelings. From my perspective problems that we had are not that big. I don't want to be hurt by his words that badly. We are from different cultures and I think he should be more open about his feelings and thoughts. He is inexperienced, had only one relationship 6 years ago and it seems that I smothered him a bit. However, I need stability in my life and obviously he is not that factor anymore. So my plan is to distance myself, and think about whether I want this still or not. Could you share your opinions and comments with me? I feel alone and sad.
Life lessons Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 I am in a relationship for one and a half year, and yesterday my boyfriend told me that he loves me less. I was pushing him for the whole week to verbalize what's happening with him, cause he wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. So yesterday he was again so confused, but the main points were that he feels less love, wants to spend time more alone, is not completely sure that he will be there for me in the future, and doesn't want to waste time. I was crying insanely a lot, completely humiliated myself. He told that he still loves me and wants to work on it. At some point when I got poker face and started saying that maybe we should better split up, then he was insisting that we should be together. When I got home he sent the message that he still loves me and wants to work on the relationship and is sorry that he hurt my feelings. From my perspective problems that we had are not that big. I don't want to be hurt by his words that badly. We are from different cultures and I think he should be more open about his feelings and thoughts. He is inexperienced, had only one relationship 6 years ago and it seems that I smothered him a bit. However, I need stability in my life and obviously he is not that factor anymore. So my plan is to distance myself, and think about whether I want this still or not. Could you share your opinions and comments with me? I feel alone and sad. I do think you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself. Hopefully that'll make him miss you more and see that he wants you in his life.
Author Anathema Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 All my life I was very blunt with expressing my emotions and expectations and this behavior didn't get me anywhere. I need help with being tactful and restoring my dignity. He sent today couple of messages, where he asked how I feel. Old me would reply to him that sending messages only after the whole drama of yesterday is not a sign of working on a relationship. New me sent " Hi, I slept OK". But both old and new me ask myself do I really want this. By my standards, this interaction via messages, brief and superficial is not acceptable by any standards. I don't know...
coolheadal Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 All my life I was very blunt with expressing my emotions and expectations and this behavior didn't get me anywhere. I need help with being tactful and restoring my dignity. He sent today couple of messages, where he asked how I feel. Old me would reply to him that sending messages only after the whole drama of yesterday is not a sign of working on a relationship. New me sent " Hi, I slept OK". But both old and new me ask myself do I really want this. By my standards, this interaction via messages, brief and superficial is not acceptable by any standards. I don't know... This is not going to work, he told you his feelings, and he's so unsure of himself. Looks like he's getting a nervous break down over it. You the stronger one in the relationship. How do feel about him? That's the question but you said her and the first post I see your not ready for him. He's not the type of man you want to live your life with. When he said he feel less love for you, that your exit queue. Sure this will hurt you if it does that means you still have feelings for him if it doesn't then you didn't feel the same for him? This is a matter you have to think hard on about? But what I've heard in your text is that your know the answer to this already.
Simple Logic Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Even people who have been married a very long time experiance one or the other losing their feeling of love and regaining it, or completely losing it and divorcing. There really is no way to advise you on what to do because everyone is different and much of this is beyond your control. Starting to substantially distance yourself now may help you if it all turns to crap and it may turn it all to crap. I might suggest giving him a little space as he figures it out, but I would not communicate that you are checking out.
Hopeful30 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 OP, this was me in one of my past relationships. Literally, THOSE EXACT WORDS. I can't tell you how your man is feeling, but the reason I felt this was was because my partner jumped into this relationship full throttle. He was already planning a wedding and had baby names in mind. He was full-on committed and was ready to give his entire self to me, including all his life, his time, everything. I was not only overwhelmed, but I was my own independent person. The fact that he wanted all of this with me kind of freaked me out. I started pulling away from him, because I wasn't even sure were I would be one year from now, let alone promising my entire life to someone else. It made me stray a bit, and I literally said those same words. I wasn't sure if I could give him what he required of me. He was ready to die for me and do anything and everything for our relationship, and I wasn't even sure about tomorrow. On top of this, I had fear of commitment at the time, which was magnified by this. Deeper down, I had a very deep rooted belief that I was unloveable, so the fact that this man was willing to give up everything for me, heart in hand, really made me doubt that anything like this could be real. Anyways, that's my two cents. When people go forward with so much love and commitment, it might bring about doubts in the other person. This is why he says he loves you and wants to work on the relationship. He's not lying, but this might be a little too much for him at the moment, and he doesn't want to make promises he can't keep. He is sure about you, but not to the extent that you are about him. That's why he might feel he might not be capable of giving back all that you're giving to him.
Author Anathema Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 I see what I did. I was a bit influenced with the previous relationship where the completely opposite happened. There my Ex wanted us to live together, have kids, etc, all after 3 months. But he kept repeating one thing that still resonates in my mind: "I am one of the very few persons that can give you a life guarantee that I will be there for you, not a lot of people can do such a thing." And that's it. With this model I entered this relationship. So I guess, I wanted this confirmation from my new boyfriend. However, we are 1,5 year together and I said I don't want wedding or kids any time soon. The problem is that I don't have many friends here, and I sometimes feel hurt when he decides to go out with his friends. Or even more by the fact that he chooses that over spending time with me. Or that I don't feel that much wanted when he invites me to go out with them.To me, we are not as intimate as other couples, and I think that's a bit problematic. I guess with all my provocations, I was just fishing for ANY kind of reaction that would show me his true self (or whatever I imagine that is). He said that I mentioned many times how I love him way more than he loves me and he started doubting that. Also, it didn't help that I frequently accuse him of flirting and meeting girls when I am not around. I don't know why I do this, this is something that I hold from past. Even though I trust him, I still say those things. It's just like uncontrollable reflex. Also, my worrying about work also influenced his mood. He ones burst out crying cause he couldn't keep seeing how much I am suffering without reason. So yes, there are many things that I do that are bad for my relationship, and I don't know how to stop these. I usually do these when I am stressed by other factors or mad at him. Any advice? On the other hand, I am two years older and kind of ready to settle down. I want stability in life. What if I invest years in opening him up and teaching him how to behave in a relationship and then he leaves? Hopeful30, did you manage to loose this fear of commitment later? How can a partner help with that? The fact that he is your Ex, doesn't leave me with much hope.
smackie9 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 A year and a half is exactly when the "honeymoon stage" or the "infatuation phase" of a relationship is over, and there is no more rush of dopamine being released in the brain like it used to. This is why he is "confused". He's wondering why he doesn't have those feelings like he used to. He wants space to see if he will miss you, and those feelings will come back. You don't need to have issues to have a relationship run it's course...it can happen naturally. All you can do is give him space, and see where it goes. You cannot force someone to want to be with you. Tip, to make yourself desirable is to be less available...stop being clingy, and go out with friends, have fun, go dancing, go to parties, dress up, look good, get busy with your life. If you act like you are hardly phased by this, that gives you all the control.
Author Anathema Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 Yes I am aware of that. I think, in some periods even before, I felt the same. But I never payed much attention to it, or certainly didn't want to tell him that I love him less. What is the point of that? I also didn't ask him specifically, but I think he shouldn't mix loving and being in love. Then again, I guess he is experiencing this for the first time. I just realized, this will never work. I am his first real girlfriend. Who ever makes it with the first girlfriend? No one. I already started with being unavailable and it works, he sent couple of messages, asking if I want to have a dinner with him, where I apologized and said I am going to yoga. And the next weekend we have planned long time ago to go to vacation with his whole family. I am afraid it might be awkward. I don't know how to behave there. Shall I pretend like everything is fine, or be reserved?
Author Anathema Posted April 8, 2017 Author Posted April 8, 2017 Can someone advise me how to behave and what to do? I am stuck at the cottage with him and his whole family. It's 4 am and I can't sleep and have to spend 2 more days here. He was acting like nothing happened, but that is driving me crazy, I am aware that I radiate resentment. He didn't even kiss me goodnight. Leaving them is not an option, that's too much drama and I don't want them to know what's happening. It seems to me that he really doesn't care that much about me anymore.
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