Falling for ex husband all over again

[Alliecat00]

Hello, I'm Allie. I'm a first time poster, long time spectator. I decided to post to get some outside opinions.

 

Let me first explain and get you guys up to date.

 

I met my xH in high school. We fell head over heels in love and got married straight after graduation in '03. We were 18, broke, but crazy about each other, and that was all we needed. Love. We had our first daughter in '05, our second in '06. I began to feel him distancing himself from me in around '07. Not from the girls. Just from me. I found out later that year, that he'd been seeing another woman for almost 8 months. I was devastated, but we tried (and tried, and tried) to make it work, but it was not working. I had such resentment towards him. I wouldn't even let him touch me. I began hating to do the normal things a wife should do for her husband. Laundry, making dinner, keeping house, even talking to him. Needless to say sex was a thing of the past. I tried but couldn't bring myself to do it. So finally in 2009, we divorced.

 

I met my now husband in 2010. We got married in 2013, had our son in 2015.

 

My xH is also married with another child on the way. My ex and I have remained in each other's lives for the sake of our girls and try to keep the peace. We have been doing so well lately. We actually laugh and talk like we use to.

 

Ok.. so now that that's cleared up. Here's where I'm at now.

 

Friday was our daughters birthday. We had the party at mine and my husbands place. My ex was there but his wife was not as she is too far along in pregnancy to travel. After the party, my current husband got called out for work. He's an ER doctor, so he's ALWAYS on call.

 

My ex stayed with me to help clean up. He helped get the girls to bed too. I was watching him with the girls and it broke my heart knowing that he'd have to leave soon. After the girls were in bed, we sat down. I made some tea and we talked.

 

He told me that he missed this. Being together as a family. I told him I did too. I really do. He apologized for what he had done, which he has done a thousand times before. He looked so broken and lost. I told him I forgive him and we hugged. We went from hugging to kissing, from kissing to..well you get the idea.

 

It was like second nature. For a minute, I completely forgot about my current husband and felt like this is exactly where I should be. The way our bodies react to each other felt nothing short of magical. Better than anything I've even encountered.

 

After he left, I just sat there crying. I wished he didn't have to go. I wanted him to stay right there forever with me and the kids.

 

It's too much for me to process. We haven't spoken about it, but I know he feels the same.

 

We know talking about it, will be life altering. I don't know if either of us is ready to face that. But I can't stop thinking about it.

 

Not sure where to go from here. He's having a baby! I have a son! He's married! I'm married!

 

I'm so confused. What do I do

[Blanco]

That's a tough, messy one. The unfortunate thing is that both of you have brought children into this world, and so this situation is bigger than just what you and he want. You must consider that you are potentially shredding two families with your actions.

 

You have both crossed a line here and given into a moment that was charged with excitement and nostalgia. I think it's important to consider the real possibility that these small snapshots you two share are not necessarily how real, day-to-day life together would be.

 

Both of you are in an interesting position in that you already know what it's like to be together; to raise children together. But also consider some things:

 

1) You're both different people than you were when you were last a family unit. You're close to my age and I can tell you that I am not the same person I was in 2009. You likely aren't, either, nor is he. That can work in your favor; it can work against it. All I'm saying is that you need to be aware that family life wouldn't quite be the same either way. Especially because...

 

2) You both are married to other people and have brought additional children into this world. Raising kids together is tough. Blending families is even tougher. People grow, yes, but your marriage did not last when it was just the two of you and your own children. Now you're adding in your child from your current marriage, his newborn from his marriage, and potentially two ex-spouses. That sounds like a powder keg to me!

 

So while I can relate to that sense of an old flame feeling like home, you need to compare such a fleeting moment to the stark contrast reality that would be building a new life with this man and FOUR children from three relationships.

 

Unfortunately, you have already crossed a line by being intimate with him. I'm actually of the mind that you should disclose this to your husband, and in time, your ex should disclose it to his wife. I say "in time," because with a baby on the way, his wife is in no emotional state to learn that he's been unfaithful.

 

Again, this is just such a mess, and I really think you need to take a step back here and realize that your needs and his needs are just a small part of the complete puzzle. You are playing with fire and threatening to disrupt many lives.

[harrybrown]

Tell your current H.

 

He will help you figure out what to do.

 

And also tell the pregnant wife about it .

 

She will really have some things to say to you.

 

How would you feel if your current H had an affair?

 

Would that be fine with you?

 

Do not keep this secret from your current husband.

 

and get tested for stds.

 

Maybe your current H could bring some testing equipment home for the tests?

[aileD]

This was a moment of nostalgia. Not a sign you should be together.

 

The problems you had then will still be there plus a host of new problems. And you will likely have the same feelings of nostalgia about your current husband when he turns into your ex and you spend time with your son.

 

This is not a good road to go down.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not sure where to go from here. He's having a baby! I have a son! He's married! I'm married!

 

I'm so confused. What do I do

 

You're responsible for teaching right/wrong to 3 young children ???

 

Since you don't indicate any dissatisfaction with your marriage, it's even more puzzling why you'd go down this self-destructive road. Unless there's details you've leaving out, seems like a totally selfish and self-centered act. And since it was in your home, I'm assuming things took place in the bed you share with your husband - the ultimate betrayal. Just...ugh...

 

Tell your husband and ask for his forgiveness. If he'll participate, start MC. Regardless, see your own IC to understand why you'd cheat on your H with the man who cheated on you. Ironic in the worst way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Listen, I understand how this could happen.

 

But you need to think for a second:

 

1) Do you want to break up two families?

 

2) Do you want your youngest child to deal with a divorce like your other 2 did?

 

3) Do you love your current husband?

 

4) Your Ex's Wife is having a baby?

 

5) Did you have a baby with your current husband because you felt you had to, or were you in love with him?

 

6) You are divorced for a reason, do you think you would work out the second time?

 

There are probably many more questions to be answered.

 

Think about this...

[Johnsmith1003]

Someone took the express lane! By 32 you both got married, had several girls, divorced, both found new people AND both now have new children.

[angel.eyes]

Your cheating ex is back to his old tricks, now that new responsibilities are on the way. No surprise there! What is surprising is that you seem to have learned nothing from your first tumble in that rodeo. Instead you appear eager to sacrifice everything to re-tread that same sorry path again.

 

Even if the two of you get back together (destroying everyone else's lives in the process), he'll cheat on you again at the first whiff of stress. Honey, obviously that's his MO!

[Alliecat00]

I understand that I've made a mistake. It wasn't something that we planned. It was like second nature. It just happened.

 

There aren't any problems with my husband other than the fact that he's literally NEVER around. He is the head ER doctor of 6 hospitals in the surrounding area. He literally spends more time at the hospitals than he does at home. My girls barely know him. His own 2 year old son has called my ex dada more times than I can recall.

 

Of course I knew all of this before I married him. I guess I didn't think he'd ever put his work before the kids and me. Every single occasion we have ever had, that pager rings, pulling him out. It doesn't even seem like he cares to apologize or feels bad about it either. It's just like "duty calls, sweetheart. You understand, right?". I do understand, but it does get REALLY frustrating at times.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Alliecat00

[NTV]

So what do you WANT to do?

[Alliecat00]

So what do you WANT to do?

 

I think I want my ex back.

[NTV]

You're okay with:

 

A) Making your husband feel exactly how you felt when your ex cheated on you

 

B) risking your ex cheating on you again

 

C) going through another divorce

 

?

 

Those are not meant in any format to be accusations just wanted to highlight some things to make sure you're thinking this through all the way. Decision based on logic and not emotions and all that.

[somanymistakes]

I think I want my ex back.

 

Don't do anything hasty.

 

Right now, you're feeling a crazy rush of emotions, which is normal for having just had this kind of reconnection experience, but means that you're not in the best position to rationally evaluate what's going on and what you really want.

 

Whether you eventually get back with him or not, DON'T plan to do ANYTHING in the immediate future.

 

It's not surprising you and your ex felt a connection to each other. You've been together, you've been in love, and while things went wrong you didn't end up hating each other. All those fond feelings were still there, underneath the baggage of the cheating and the resentment and the time you've spent apart, with others.

 

Loving someone new doesn't actually kill old love, not for everyone. It can hide it for a while. But it doesn't necessarily make it go away.

 

HOWEVER. Now you face the opposite problem - that the BAGGAGE of things that broke you up still exists, but is currently being pushed aside by the feelings of the moment - you're both feeling a bit lonely and sexually neglected, you because your husband is busy, him because his wife is pregnant. A moment happened and you gravitated to each other.

 

That does not mean it's a good idea to get back together!!!

 

If you guys tear up your current relationships to chase what feels good in the moment, you're both sadly kind of proving that neither of you knows how to handle a long-term relationship and its stresses and ups and downs... and your new relationship will be just as doomed as the old one.

 

Getting back together with an old lover should only happen if either you or cirucmstances have changed so that the problems of the past don't seem likely to recur. Otherwise, you're literally making the same mistakes all over again.

 

Think about what it would really be like, being back with your ex again.

[BTDT2012]

It's too much for me to process. We haven't spoken about it, but I know he feels the same.

 

No, you don't know how he feels. His wife is far along in pregnancy, and you were lonely and available. Sounds like he hasn't changed much, still a cheater.

[Blanco]

More questions to ask:

 

1) What makes you think he would not eventually cheat on you again? I don't necessarily buy into the idea that "once a cheater, always a cheater," buuuut, he has been unfaithful within two MARRIAGES already and he's only a few years removed from legally being able to rent a car for the first time. Not a sterling track record.

 

2) Are you ready to be a stepparent to his not-yet-born child? Because unless he's a bum, that child will be part of his life.

 

3) Are you ready to go through TWO divorces basically at the same time?

 

4) Are you willing to potentially risk how the child you have with your current husband might perceive you years from now when he's old enough to process what happened if/when you go through with this? That's such a crazy dynamic to even consider: Your two eldest children will basically have their dad "back," but your youngest will reach a point where he learns that HIS family was torn apart so that could happen.

 

At least you admit that you knew your husband's career would be a potential time-grabber, but I would assume that his profession was part of what enticed you about him to start with. Understand that very few people can make a salary that makes the ladies go gaga and NOT have a life where work will often be a priority over family.

 

I kind of feel for your husband. He's in a no-win position. Either he stays married to a cheater, or he gets a divorce and likely gets raked over the coals through child support and alimony payments.

 

If I may ask, what do you do for work?

[Simple Logic]

Hello, I'm Allie. I'm a first time poster, long time spectator. I decided to post to get some outside opinions.

 

Let me first explain and get you guys up to date.

 

I met my xH in high school. We fell head over heels in love and got married straight after graduation in '03. We were 18, broke, but crazy about each other, and that was all we needed. Love. We had our first daughter in '05, our second in '06. I began to feel him distancing himself from me in around '07. Not from the girls. Just from me. I found out later that year, that he'd been seeing another woman for almost 8 months. I was devastated, but we tried (and tried, and tried) to make it work, but it was not working. I had such resentment towards him. I wouldn't even let him touch me. I began hating to do the normal things a wife should do for her husband. Laundry, making dinner, keeping house, even talking to him. Needless to say sex was a thing of the past. I tried but couldn't bring myself to do it. So finally in 2009, we divorced.

 

I met my now husband in 2010. We got married in 2013, had our son in 2015.

 

My xH is also married with another child on the way. My ex and I have remained in each other's lives for the sake of our girls and try to keep the peace. We have been doing so well lately. We actually laugh and talk like we use to.

 

Ok.. so now that that's cleared up. Here's where I'm at now.

 

Friday was our daughters birthday. We had the party at mine and my husbands place. My ex was there but his wife was not as she is too far along in pregnancy to travel. After the party, my current husband got called out for work. He's an ER doctor, so he's ALWAYS on call.

 

My ex stayed with me to help clean up. He helped get the girls to bed too. I was watching him with the girls and it broke my heart knowing that he'd have to leave soon. After the girls were in bed, we sat down. I made some tea and we talked.

 

He told me that he missed this. Being together as a family. I told him I did too. I really do. He apologized for what he had done, which he has done a thousand times before. He looked so broken and lost. I told him I forgive him and we hugged. We went from hugging to kissing, from kissing to..well you get the idea.

 

It was like second nature. For a minute, I completely forgot about my current husband and felt like this is exactly where I should be. The way our bodies react to each other felt nothing short of magical. Better than anything I've even encountered.

 

After he left, I just sat there crying. I wished he didn't have to go. I wanted him to stay right there forever with me and the kids.

 

It's too much for me to process. We haven't spoken about it, but I know he feels the same.

 

We know talking about it, will be life altering. I don't know if either of us is ready to face that. But I can't stop thinking about it.

 

Not sure where to go from here. He's having a baby! I have a son! He's married! I'm married!

 

I'm so confused. What do I do

 

Sounds like about the time you had your second child he cheated on you, now his new wife is having a child and he is ready to cheat on her with you.

[minimariah]

We haven't spoken about it, but I know he feels the same.

 

well, actually - i doubt he feels the same way. he cheated on you & probably feels guilty about it and is still grieving for your broken family but... i'm sorry, i just don't think it's anything MORE than that. he cheated on your for a reason and your marriage fell apart for a reason - that didn't go away so the odds of you having a second chance are REALLY slim.

 

His own 2 year old son has called my ex dada more times than I can recall.

 

yeah... about that. your kids are - apparently - alienated from their (step)father. your family is highly dysfunctional and i just find it baffling how you chose to focus on your romantic life first. your kid calling another dude DADA should be your #1 worry... it's a HUGE problem. time to pull your head out of those second-nature-romance-novel clouds you've been living on and get your priorities straight.

[grays]

Sounds like about the time you had your second child he cheated on you, now his new wife is having a child and he is ready to cheat on her with you.

 

This!!! Im really horrified by the idea of cheating during pregnancy or while the children are really young. I get that things change and people grow apart, but less than nine months ago he thought it was a good idea to have a baby with her and he couldnt even manage to be committed through the pregnancy?

 

My ex left me for someone else when my youngest was 4 1/2 and it was abundantly clear that one of the reasons I had become less attractive/fun for him was that he didnt really dig being with a mom.

 

I could never, never have a thing w a pregnant woman's husband bc beyond feeling bad for doing that to her, id just think he was the lowest of the low.

[aileD]

Don't be the woman who comes between a man and his pregnant and about to pop wife.

 

Someone made a good point. Your ex cheated on you, and now he's cheating on his wife, and if you go back he will cheat on you again.

 

If you don't want to be in your marriage- deal with that separately.

 

Seriously. Have some respect for the woman who is about to give birth. This is supposed to be a happy time for her. How would you have felt if someone slept and pursued your husband while you were 9 mos pregnant with your son???

 

You are being extremely selfish. "We just fell into it like second nature and didn't mean for it to happen". Yes you did. There was no accident here. And please don't kid yourself about that. You made a choice. A selfish choice.

 

He's not your husband anymore. Just because you had him first doesn't mean it's natural for you to get together. You let him go and he married someone else. You married someone else.

 

You need to get your head out of the clouds and see what damage you are doing ans will do if you pursue this further

[NTV]

It does sound like you've got a lot of conflicting emotions to process.

 

Welcome to love shack btw! =)

[Mr. Lucky]

I think I want my ex back.

 

Just proves how endless the human capacity for self-deception is. You're willing to recommit to the man who cheated on you initially by cheating on your marriage with him as he cheats on his pregnant wife? You can't make this stuff up...

 

I found out later that year, that he'd been seeing another woman for almost 8 months. I was devastated, but we tried (and tried, and tried) to make it work, but it was not working. I had such resentment towards him. I wouldn't even let him touch me.

 

When did you become OK with infidelity ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cephalopod]

Your ex is still a scumbag. He's cheating on his wife again. He continues to show no moral fiber or maturity. He is playing a married woman and working hard to destroy her marriage.

 

Tell your husband what you did. You don't love him so let him go. Go back to your ex and I guarantee within a couple years he will be cheating again, because he is a cheater. It is his nature. And now he has infected you with the same cheating virus.

 

You deserve each other.

[FoundLove]

He is obviously not meant to be a married man as he is unable to be faithful to one woman.

 

This is going to get messy as there are so many children involved. I honestly feel sorry for his current wife. The fact that he cheated in his first marriage, shows that he was likely to do it again (which he now did). And if it wasn't with you, it would have been with someone else.

 

Remember how you felt when you found out he cheated on you? That's how his wife and your husband are going to feel when they find out...

[Bufo]

Yes, he is using you to cheat. You are now the OW.

 

His talk of the future is often called "future faking". This is a deliberate ploy to grab and keep your attention. If you call the note due, be prepared to hear many excuses as to why this isn't the time he can leave his wife and family. There will always be a reason why he can't leave his wife and family.

 

Exes are usually exes for one or more reasons. You have probably forgotten some of those reasons or at least minimized them. Put on he thinking cap and try to remember how you felt deciding to divorce, how you felt about him during the divorce, and whether you felt any relief when you were divorced.

 

You, like many others, found affair sex exciting and fulfilling. Forbidden fruit is always initially satisfying. But it soon spoils

 

About his job. Yes it consumes him. When you irrationally thought before marriage that marriage would change his job responsibilities or his response to job responsibilities you were wrong. Now, using much the same magical thinking process, you think remarriage to Ex would solve whatever problems and disagreements that led to divorce. That thought process wasn't very helpful on deciding to marry your current H. Why do you think it's more accurate and logical concerning divorce from H and remarriage to Ex?

 

Your probably sex-starved Ex wants his physical desires met. And you accommodated him. For the best sex of your life. Why was he so much better in your mind on this go-round than he ever was when you were married?

And do you really believe that feeling will last so you'll live happily ever after? Sorry Princess, Prince Charming may still be a toad.

[anika99]

Your exh doesn't like the responsibility of married family life. He finds it boring and instead prefers the excitement of cheating. Obviously if he had changed at all he wouldn't have just cheated on his current wife. If by some miracle you two did end up together again he would soon become bored with you again and start looking for some good affair sex.

 

Interesting the way you have cheated on your husband and then somehow blamed him and made it his fault. You say you knew full well how demanding his career was before you married him yet you married him anyways. Why? I'm guessing you were attracted to his status and money and priortized that over finding a partner who could meet your emotional needs. That's on you, it's not your husbands fault.

 

I very much doubt that your exh is considering leaving his marriage for you. He's looking for an OW and some exciting affair sex, not another divorce and remarriage. You need to get your head out of clouds and realize that you have done a terrible thing to your husband and marriage. You cheated on him in his own home, you disrespected him in the worst way you could all for the sake of screwing a lesser man.

 

Perhaps you should not be married to your husband. It sounds like he was your rebound after your first marriage ended. I think you may need counselling to process the infidelity and betrayal in your first marriage. It's amazing how many women who have been crushed by their husband affairs then go on to become an OW themselves. I think sleeping with your married ex may have been less about him and more about an attempt at righting the wrong that you suffered at his actions long ago. Now you are the exciting OW having the good sex with him while his pregnant wife is the sad victim sitting at home with their children. Perhaps this was a way for you to shed that feeling of being the helpless victim by becoming the cheater. Sadly all you accomplished was to create two new victims, his wife and your husband.