RomanSenator Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 I have currently been dating someone for 3 months and everything has been going pretty smoothly until about a week ago. I started dating her after meeting on plenty of fish a little after Christmas time. We have since made plans to move in with each other, have a dog and hopefully have a family together one day. The problem is that she is technically still married however she has separated from her husband as he is currently in jail for domestic abuse. She let me know about this when we started the relationship and I assumed it would be fine but she has been very reluctant to file divorce paperwork which is making me worried as well as being in contact with her husband every couple of weeks (sometimes when I am around which I find particularly rude). She promised that the paperwork would be done by the end of summer which I agreed to since we are both really busy to deal with it right now. Should I keep this relationship going and if so how should I address this issue with her?
KBob Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 What is the nature of their conversations? Three months and you're already planning a future that involves living together, children and pets? SLOW DOWN. You're rushing into something that has red flags on it. There's no need to rush into those things, you need to get to know her first. 2
act00 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 She is not in a place to be moving into a relationship, and the fact she hasn't even started the ball rolling on severing this marriage is not a good sign. Part of her fear likely stems from the fear of her husband and retaliation and the ramifications that could occur as a result of severing ties officially...what if he comes after her, violently? Who's paying for this divorce? I can only think of one person who has an income in this little couplet. Women (and men) can be really stupid with these men in these situations...they always somehow get sucked back in. These men are charming. They make promises. It's stupid, and we all know it's stupid, but victims go back...again and again. She has to be ready to make the split, then heal, and then pursue a relationship. After three months of courtship, especially in these circumstances, it is far too soon to be making such a huge leap into living together, and what is more alarming is YOU HAVE NO IDEA what she is talking about with this man every other week, let alone WHY?? RED FLAGS! 3
Larryville Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 We have since made plans to move in with each other, The problem is that she is technically still married however she has separated from her husband as he is currently in jail for domestic abuse. Should I continue the relationship? Absolutely not, still married? WTH!? You're rushing into something that has red flags on it. Yes battleship sized red flags on it… 3
d0nnivain Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 No you should not continue. Even if he is in jail, without her having filed for divorce, she is cheating on her husband with you. She had no business talking to about moving in together, having a dog or starting a family. Those are conversations are for after you have been dating at least one year and when she is truly single. Having them 90 days in is a red flag on both sides. You two hardly know each other. This is untenable for so many reasons. Even if she filed her divorce, she would need time post divorce to get her head around her new status. Jumping into something with you, just dooms that relationship to failure. Fortunately you are discovering this before you moved in & had to fight about custody of the dog or the kids. Please don't bring other living beings into this. 2
Redhead14 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) I have currently been dating someone for 3 months and everything has been going pretty smoothly until about a week ago. I started dating her after meeting on plenty of fish a little after Christmas time. We have since made plans to move in with each other, have a dog and hopefully have a family together one day. The problem is that she is technically still married however she has separated from her husband as he is currently in jail for domestic abuse. She let me know about this when we started the relationship and I assumed it would be fine but she has been very reluctant to file divorce paperwork which is making me worried as well as being in contact with her husband every couple of weeks (sometimes when I am around which I find particularly rude). She promised that the paperwork would be done by the end of summer which I agreed to since we are both really busy to deal with it right now. Should I keep this relationship going and if so how should I address this issue with her? H*LL NO! I always tell people that if they are dating someone who is going through a divorce, they will be going through the divorce as well. If you continue to date her, be prepared for periods of pulling away because she's stressed and overwhelmed, be prepared for being less than a priority, be prepared for her financial difficulties, etc. How do you address it? You tell her that you want to move on because she is not in a position to be a fully engaged and active dating partner and that she needs to focus on herself and her own well-being. We have since made plans to move in with each other, have a dog and hopefully have a family together one day. -- You've made these decisions after only 3 months of dating a woman who isn't even divorced yet????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I am concerned for you for having made that kind of decision based on so little . . . she has been very reluctant to file divorce paperwork -- This man is in jail for domestic abuse and she is reluctant to file divorce paperwork????????????????? There is something wrong with that picture. It says she has some serious esteem and core functioning deficits. Edited April 5, 2017 by Redhead14 2
preraph Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Don't move in with her. She's still married and not filing divorce papers. He's in jail and might kick your butt when he gets out. She might just be using you for a place to live with him gone and have zero intentions of staying with you.
Redhead14 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Red you are being judgmental and mean LOL! If he interprets common sense, insight and straight up truth to be judgemental and mean, so be it. Reality bites but it is not judgemental -- reality is reality. "judgemental" is the word that some people apply to things that they don't want to hear/accept about themselves. If they want hand holding and coddling, they can go home to their Moms. I will say this, that if my son came to me with this story, I'd take him by the shoulders, look him in the eye and tell him I love him but I will not support or encourage something that I know will end up being a train wreck and if he proceeds with this scenario, I will not stand by him when he finds himself in a huge mess mentally and emotionally, financially, etc.
smackie9 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Matters of domestic abuse go way deeper than you think. If she was serious, the min he hit the pokey, she would have filed for divorce and cut ties completely. Then seek out a therapist. IMO get your head out of the clouds and run away as fast as you can. 2
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