benpom Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) I was dating this guy years ago. I told him I like guys who are physically fit. Hoping he would start working out more and get in better shape. Instead, he thought I meant: I liked him SO MUCH that I would date him despite the fact that he was not physically fit. I was kind of surprised when he told me what he thought I meant. He was dead serious. Not Joking. Many times, when I tried to hint him about something I was not happy about and hoped he would improve, he would say something like he was an exception and I must be really in love with him to make him an exception. I struggled to understand him for years. I think I finally understood when he had his relative call me a narcissist not long ago. Edited April 5, 2017 by benpom
KBob Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 He sounds like he's confident and ok with who he is. And it sounds like you're trying to change and shape him into your perfect man. Accept who he is or move on and find someone who can meet your expectations.
Author benpom Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) He sounds like he's confident and ok with who he is. And it sounds like you're trying to change and shape him into your perfect man. Accept who he is or move on and find someone who can meet your expectations. You are quite right about that. He hated me for wanting him to change and left me. Afterwards, he partially went back to the old self: posting sexual contents on Facebook publically, claiming himself as a hero, doing lots of name-calling. He also became almost twice as big as before. There is one thing he did change though: he became close to his parents who he used to belittle before we even started dating. I think that part of change is genuine. Edited April 5, 2017 by benpom
act00 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 Passive-aggressiveness at its finest. What were you doing with a man you felt to be so repulsive, and why did you think "hinting" would do any good? It actually sounds to me like you were passively-aggressively insulting him. Getting accused of narcissism? Pay attention to that. Your behavior towards him was atrocious, and other people noticed. It's not that he "told" anyone or "had" a relative say this, it's that they observed your behavior, and he likely confided in them with some of his struggles with you. He sounds like he was rather confident in himself and finally realized you were just not someone he wanted to be with. 1
Author benpom Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 Here I am still hoping he would change. Still hope he can stop joking and laughing about other people's misfortune. Still hope he can have more compassion for other people. Guess this is wrong again? I should not try to change people. Plus, he should really be none of my buisness and I am none of his buisness now.
Author benpom Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 Passive-aggressiveness at its finest. What were you doing with a man you felt to be so repulsive, and why did you think "hinting" would do any good? It actually sounds to me like you were passively-aggressively insulting him. Getting accused of narcissism? Pay attention to that. Your behavior towards him was atrocious, and other people noticed. It's not that he "told" anyone or "had" a relative say this, it's that they observed your behavior, and he likely confided in them with some of his struggles with you. He sounds like he was rather confident in himself and finally realized you were just not someone he wanted to be with. I wondered if his (or his relative's) accusations are true. I talked to therapists about this. According to therapists, I had extremely low self-esteem (I grew up in an environment where I was not allowed to ask, but only to give. Even worse, it was pretty abusive and I did not realize it until I starting going through therapy.). That's probably why I stayed with him for a long time. I did not have the courage to leave and I did not have the heart to upset him (not for many years until I became severely depressed). Maybe I did really love him too much to see him in the neutral light. When he belittled other people to show off how he was better than others, when he was labeling other people with names, refusing to take any criticism or make any change, I rationalized it being that he was protecting his self-esteem. But lately I am starting to realize that he really did think he was superior than other people. 1
Author benpom Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) other people noticed. I still have good relationship with his friends, my friends and our mutual friends. His mother is the one who called me narcissist. No one else. At least the good news is that after I confronted him, his mother and he both finally stopped insulting me verbally, at least for now. This is like the first time I stood up for myself. To be fair, I did not treat him nicely when he revealed the big facts he was hiding from me. I started being not so kind to him as I became more and more depressed (bad relationship + postpartum depression). I think subconsciously I am still trying to make sense of stuff. Every once of while, some memory would come to my mind to shed light on the doubts I have. Edited April 5, 2017 by benpom 2
todreaminblue Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 (edited) I still have good relationship with his friends, my friends and our mutual friends. His mother is the one who called me narcissist. No one else. At least the good news is that after I confronted him, his mother and he both finally stopped insulting me verbally, at least for now. This is like the first time I stood up for myself. To be fair, I did not treat him nicely when he revealed the big facts he was hiding from me. I started being not so kind to him as I became more and more depressed (bad relationship + postpartum depression). I think subconsciously I am still trying to make sense of stuff. Every once of while, some memory would come to my mind to shed light on the doubts I have. i feel that you have had some major growth..admitting you were wrong and hurt someone is huge.... ..depression can make you snappy and intolerant.....i live with clinical depression and its hard on others as much as it is me...i like to take responsibility for me depressed or not.....i take it one step further and apologize to the people i know i have hurt...its a process of healing fro those around me and for me.....i then tell them if they hurt me hwo it made me feel and because of my depression i couldnt handle it like i would if i was out of that cycle...... i am depressed now actually......not all the way down ..because i am fighting it.....treading water i call it...looking for lights......and i see those lights and they are my lights.....i dont take medication because my mental illness is a compounded mental illness but theres clinical depression in me somewhere..i feel it.....the drowning thing..and it makes me dizzy and tired.....but i fight for my lights......my family and my friends.....wihtout medication.....i am not one who takes to medication at all....and i believe have been misdiagnosed and labeled schizo affective with clinical depression.... i have been recently telling people i love them ...and recognizing debts i am in.....these debts arr financial and emotional debts.....people who have been there for me no matter hwo down i go ..keep blinking those beautiful lights at me with a support i feel ..if were to reach out my hand to them...they wouldtake it i know that.........so i am blinking my light i have for them back at them...made a gf cry yesterday ...letting her know why she is special to m eand my family.....telling her her why she is so beautiful a friend....adn thats what i do more than snap..... when i feel like i am not in control ...i dont approach others or try not too....i just stay in my room.....i would suggest i know you stood up for yoruself...but maybe saying sorry to this ex of yours and the mother is needed if you listen to your heart...you will feel that heaviness.....often....being truthful to the people you hurt is like replacing concrete with feathers....and a new start fresh...and hopefulness that speeds any gloominess from you.........it might help you ...as i said recognizing your mistakes is good....saying sorry ...is something where you forgive yourself completely and get the chance to know...you are forgiven too.....i wish you well..ps have you ever seen a doc about your mood swings and depression....do you frequently go low......deb Edited April 5, 2017 by todreaminblue
act00 Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 I really wish you would have shared the rest of the issues surrounding your relationship from the get go. People who abuse do so behind closed doors, and all other people see is the a great guy and a spouse who is behaving like she is crazy or antisocial due to the abuse she has suffered. And here you are, still wishing you could have gotten that great guy. You can't change people and he won't change.
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